I'm Struggling.

I don't even know how this started, the earliest memory I had until recently was of starting a new job when I was 17 and noticing all the women ate salad for lunch while I ate a big panini and a chocolate bar. Even though I was still slimmer than them, it freaked me out.
But lately I remember the end of term in college when I was 16 and getting a question right in the fun end of term 'pub quiz' and giving it away. I would never have done that, I would have just kept it for later if I didn't want it right then.

I have always been tall and a bit underweight despite eating whatever I wanted (before that time). In fact, I always hated how skinny I was when I was younger, which makes me laugh a bit now. I have no idea how I could ever have felt that way.

Everything is so blurry because I honestly can't see the progression to how I've got this mentally ill. I don't remember the transition between that and the first time weeks later when I sat with my friends in a pizza restaurant declaring 'I'll just have a diet coke, I'm going out with another friend after this and I don't think I can handle two meals' - obviously a lie.

I don't remember the transition between that and staying up until 3am prodding my hip bones and smiling because I'd lost 5 pounds that week.

But then I still managed to not get to a dangerous weight or mentality, there was still some normality back then. I still ate sometimes then only felt bad a few days later and lost it all through the usual starvation and over-exercise.

The worst thing is, I think it got worse when I travelled to Africa last year. Ironic how travelling to a country where people are starving to death can do that. And I wasn't starving because they were starving or anything self-righteous, I just had a few months away from my Western home country in which to 'educate' myself and overthink everything I could do in order to lose weight. Which makes me beat myself up for being such a selfish cow.

First came the laxatives I managed to find in a pharmacy when we got to a main city in Malawi. I felt like a genius. I had never googled 'anorexia symptoms' so I felt like this was my idea. I certainly wasn't anorexic, was I? Look at the size of me. Anorexics are supposed to be skinny.
Next the chewing and spitting, I thought I had cracked it. I could still taste the food of my cravings then not digest it. Then swill my mouth with water to get rid of any excess.

I don't know how it got so bad when I got back home. Perhaps starting university full of its beautiful, slim girls and feeling like an elephant next to them. Because I'm tall (5'9''), I had to be skinny...then I wouldn't be huge in height and in diameter.

It's so blurry. How did this become like this, taking a handful of beansprouts in for my lunch and convincing myself I am superior to everyone around me because I have the self-control to detach myself from food. I am not detached from food, I spend every waking moment thinking about it. I google photos of food at night when I'm so hungry I can't sleep, I walk around supermarkets to look at food but never buy it.

It's funny because I always thought these were my own habits. I know better now, these are pretty well know traits. Everything has to be perfect in the room when I eat the minuscule amount that I allow myself. It has to be the same time every day, it has to be in a bowl, with a teaspoon (no matter what food it is). I can't have it unless I've worked out to the point of fainting beforehand.

But things improved lately. I went to Sweden on holiday to stay with my friend. Her and her family knew nothing of my issues and I felt free. I ate the food they gave me, I saw gorgeous, slim Swedish women in cafes eating cake and something clicked. I can eat and still be slim. I did that for 16 or 17 years after all, didn't I? I had my birthday in Sweden and I actually ate some cake for the first time in years, I was so happy.

Then something happened, at the airport on the way home I freaked out that 'I couldn't eat again when I got home' so went on a mad spree of buying food to eat on the plane. The moment I landed it was all thrown in the bin.

I was healthier, so much healthier, when I got home. I ate cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and a normal meal at night. I actually felt hunger again because my metabolism had sorted itself out a bit. I felt like a normal person again.

Now I am completely slipping back. I thought that was me recovering, but I just can't face eating today. I had an apple and had to go work it off, I couldn't stand the feeling of it resting in my stomach and me staring at my torso in every mirror in the house to see if it's affected me yet.

This is a long rant, I know. But I just have no one to talk to about this and perhaps getting this off my chest will help.
Or at least someone might be able to relate.

This isn't even the half of it, this obsession. If anyone wanted to get in touch, it'd be lovely. :)


nobodyminds nobodyminds
18-21, F
1 Response May 22, 2012

You can always talk to me!(: I'm only 14 but I'm anorexic too. It's hard but it's easier hen someone can relate to you, right?