Sick And Sad

I used to be a happy person, it wasnt for very long but still i was happy. My family is extremely complicated I'm the oldest out if three siblings I hav a sister who is two years younger than me and a brother who is 5 yrs younger. My brother has dyslexia and as burgers so even though he's different me and him have a better relationship than my perfect,y normal sister. Ever since I can remember me and my sister hav been extremely competitive with each other and about 99% of the time my sister beat me at everything. My sister is so smart and gets As on everything and she's popular and has so many friends and shes amazing at sports when i suck at them. I've always been very jealous of her. I've always felt very irrelevant to my family. I know they love me and I love them but my relationship with them is very strained. My mother is a alcoholic a very serious one and she's always made me feel like. Crap and she takes all of her issues out on me and is abusive. My dad has sum pretty bad anger issues and been verbally abusive torwards me. My family has always put me down but I never let it get to me until middle school when my moms drinking got serious and she went to rehab. As a kid I was the thinnest out of my two other siblings. Actually my sister and bro were pretty fat. That was the only thing I had that my sister didn't hav. I had a fast metabolism so until recently I ate whatever I wanted and didn't giv a crap I didn't see myself as fat, sometimes I did but I wasn't until 8th grade that I really had bad body image. I didn't do much about it I mean I went in diets but I never stuck to it I loved food too much. When I was in 9th grade which was last yr I developed my eating disorder. It was in November when I developed annorexia. I developed my eating disorder because of many things. I did wanna become skinnier because I was chubby but not fat. But that wasn't the main reason my sister who was pretty fat (weighing in at almost 230 lbs at 13) started to loose a lot of weight. She Started doing basketball, lacrosse, and soccer at the same time and then she started eating healthy (at the moment she's 120) she looks amazing and even though we do have our problems I'm so happy for her. But that deffinetly triggered my need to loose weight bc like I said being skinnier was the thing I was better at and I needed that for my self esteam I didn't want my sister to have another thing that I didn't. And I wanted my parents attention, my parents always paid more attention to my other siblings and I wanted them to notice me. And boy did they I dnt have to worry bout not having their attention now. When I first started not eating they didnt think I was serious they knew how I liked my food it took them I really long time to become concerned but I was already too deep into this to really care. I remember the first time I purged I was soooo hungry and I ate a whole plate of french fries I felt like crap and went in the bathroom and purged myself. It hurt and was soo hard and not much came out I can't believe I didn't give up on that tactic but I guess practice makes perfect because now I can't even keep food down even if I tried. Ive suffered from annorexia and bulimia for almost a yr now and my life has changed so much. I'm not the same person I was last yr and that sux because that girl was fun and funny but even that girl wasn't happy. I had depression for a while and hav had urges to commit suicide I still hav body issues and I hate myself. I wake up each morning telling myself not to binge all day I restrict restrict restrict. But once I get home from school I go and take a purse to my conveinient store and stuff everything I can get my hands on and stuff it in my purse and walk out of their! I hav no money so everyday I steal food I eating thousands of calories and then purge all of my stolen food up. It's disgusting and I know how bad my addiction isI go to a therapist and ivevbeen to a nutritionist and I finally just got diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia by my doctor. Even though all my hair is falling out my teeth are coroated and yellow I'm having heart problems and even my blood vessels in my eyes have popped from excessive purging and my electrolytes are unbalanced even. MY teachers and principle from my school called my mom telling her I was too thin and they were concerned.  My family has dealt with this the best they know how too me and my sisters relationship has become distant from this and I feel so bad because I'm her big sister and evn though we have our problems i want her to b able to look up to me but how can she look up to me? My poor dad has no clue wat to do he doesn't understand this and he's dealing with this pretty badly I think he's in Denial. My mom understands this probably the best bc she's had eating issues b4. Even my best best best friend has become distant from me and that hurts do bad. Ik that it's hard to feel sorry for me bc this is something I'm doing to myself but no one understands that this is also something I can't control! I'm in too deep and I dnt wanna stop whats the point? Even though I'm depressed ik if I recover I will gain weight and I will become even more depressed. I think the worst feeling in the world is feeling like ur alone and no one cares about u. That's how I feel I'm filled with so much pain and all I want is for this to end. Idk if I would feel this way if I had a eating disorder but I think it plays a part. I'm writing this not only to vent to ppl because who knows if anyone is gonna read this because its ridiculously long or if anyone will even care. But if someone is reading this who is thinking bout developing a rating disorder u need to no that it's not only a way to loose weight but it gives u so many problems it takes over your life and these Are the best yrs if ur life...please dnt waste them like I am. Dnt become like me I'm 16 yrs old used to hav a ton of friends and now I only hav a few who still treat me like I'm normal. If u want to loose weight plz plz plz dnt do anything dangerous. U dnt hav to b a size double 0 to b beautiful and no one has the right to tell u that nothing is wrong with u. I hav a feeling that I won't ever b able to b normal again I think all of it will b easier if I just end all of this and kill myself but who knows if I hav the guts I dnt think I will. Just know that I would wish a eating disorder on anyone. 
Kendall546 Kendall546
18-21, F
Sep 8, 2012