Is This Really Who I Am?

I will start from the beginning.. When I was 10 years old I felt over weight cause I was at a growing stage. I never technically got overweight or even near that. I didn't actually try losing weight until I was 15. I would try not to eat very much but I always failed. At age 15.5 I started making myself throw up. I knew it wouldn't really help me lose weight but for some reason it made me feel good, made me feel like I was actually accomplishing something. Age 16ish I got caught by the doctor for losing a ton of weight at once and a week later got caught throwing up by my mum. I got hospitalized for about 2 weeks and then I got put into a treatment center for a lil over 6 months. Its been a few years later and now as of this week have been trying to stop eating and I have been purging. I feel sick already but I think it's just my mind making me feel sick and that I'm actually just fine. The thing is... I don't know if I am bulimic and anorexic.. I don't believe it cause I could stop if i wanted to I am in complete control and I know everyone thinks "all people with ED think that" but really I could stop whenever! I just like the feeling, I feel like I am actually someone, that I am actually succeeding in something.. I do not support anorexia or bulimia I think it is a horrible thing but I feel that I am in complete control and that I really am not anorexic or bulimic nor ever was. I never been under weight from doing this stuff. I was very underweight actually before i started to diet! I've always been at the weight 99-109 (before hospital made me gain weight) at the height of "5'1. Right now I am 115 pounds :( the hospital had me at 120 though so i recently lost the 5 pounds. I would love to get to 84 pounds soon and I love the anorexic look... I know a lot of people think its disgusting....
Anyways just please help give opinions.. I need to know if you think I am bulimic and anorexic and if you do why? and if you don't why? lol thank you all so much.

i'm sorry if anything i said was triggering at all. 
lovingana2thebones lovingana2thebones
18-21, F
Sep 10, 2012