....... My Life

staring in the mirror at what im supposed to see
but all i see is emptiness staring back at me
the room fades in around me as i look straight through the wall
for that moment im not thin nor fat im just not there at all

searching for the bones that people say they see
they allude my fingertips, fat is all there will ever be
clawing at my hips and thighs praying they break free
i look again and shed a tear that they are still attached to me

just another kilo i promise you'll be thin
i try and convince myself that im not lying once again
why the hell can i not see it , what the others say to me
i just want to see the skinny girl they all say they see

il never be that girl i swear , im convinced i have no bones to show
the layer of shame that clings to me will never let me go
still staring at that mirror a lost girl who i once was
stares back at me disgusted at the innocence she lost

begging me with her voided soul to take her back in time
so i can be a little girl and claim back what was mine
i say sorry to that little girl and claw at her ugliness once more
and turn around and walk away to fight my secret war

stop looking at me that way
i can see it in your eyes
i can see you staring through my smile
and you can see straight through the lies

strop running your hands over me
like you checking im still there
i can feel your fingertips
pulling out my hair

stop pressing your lips against mine
wondering if anything as passed through them all day
i can feel them quivering
wanting to ask if im okay

stop thinking like your thinking
i can hear your mind racing around
stop wondering how long it will be
before i hit the ground

stop scratching your fork along your plate
willing me to eat my lunch
please just please stop loving me
it hurts you far to much

why do i hate myself so much
revolted by every single touch
and why do you not hate yourself
i hope you ******* burn in hell

its because of you that my smile is fake
why did you think my innocence was something you could take
because of you scars mark my soul
and because of you its always cold

so why just did you choose me
that little girl i used to be
you gained my trust and held my hand
we played together in the sand

you stole from me what cant be replaced
now i cant forget your face
in bed at night you haunt my dreams
and when i wake i cant get clean

i scrub and scrub but your still there
your fingers running through my hair
i trusted you and you loved me
but that dear uncle wasn't love you see

how do you sleep at night
do you pretend that you still hold me tight
do you even think you were wrong
those two years were far to long

i think about it all the time
that first kiss and touch was mine
you took whats mine and now its yours
you stole from me behind closed doors

i hate you , you make me ******* sick
you really know what makes me tick.
he loves you and i dont know why
cause all you do is tell him lies

you dont deserve the air you breath
or the lifestyle that you lead
your so ugly inside out
and completely useless without a doubt

you walk around with that fake smile on your face
your such a ******* selfish nut case
seriously you need help
this is a note, a note to self

help i think its killing me
it hurts to even breath
please just please stop yelling
im begging on my knees

im sorry so so sorry
it wont ever happen again
please just please stop screaming
cant we just be friends

i know oh god i know
i know i did you wrong
but please just please
let me just belong

i promise , pinkie promise
i wont do it anymore
please just please leave
just leave me lying on the floor

i cant stand it , just cant stand it
ana i swear il lose the weight, i will
just please oh please forgive me
to disobey you is a skill

This silence is unbearable it’s just so ******* loud
im trying so hard to be perfect, that il never make you proud.
it hurts so bad it makes me numb, im so cold im burning up
so big that im invisible, to smart but yet so dumb.

so flavourless it tastes so good, so filling it’s not there
so heavy i should lift it, so light it’s hard to bare
so beautiful its ugly, so wrong it feels so right
so long ago like yesterday, tomorrow like last night

so lost but right in front of you, right here but can’t be found
six feet deep but heavens there, head in clouds but feet on ground.
Makes perfect sense but has no words, so clear but misunderstood
so expected that i wouldn’t, so forbidden that i would

how is it possible to be in two places at once
im here enjoying your company but my mind is on this luch
your talking to me, lauging and smiling with your eyes
i cant hear a thing except why did i get fries

your asking me a question now i know because you pause
all i manage to come out with is do you want fries with yours?
your expression changes like a light switch in your head
all im thinking now is i cant remeber what i said

now you put your head down and take a mouthfull of your food
i watch you chew and swallow and wonder how many calories you consumed
you tell me that it taste nice and i should have a bite
should i ? i cant ! maybe, just to avoid the fight.

i turn you down and you give me a crooked smile
we sit in silence and i push my food around for a while
and suddenly your finshed , mine has not been touched
you look at me with that look of another wasted lunch

your polite and asked if im finished i say sorry once again
we leave the table silent you and reach and grab my hand
you squeeze it tight three times and i say i love you too
you lean down and kiss me and said one day you'll love food

shhhhh dont say a word no one wants to hear you speak
walk out in that snow storm , you dont deserve the heat
lay down on your bed of stone you dont deserve to sleep
in fact dont close your eyes at all girl for you dont deserve to dream

take off all those clothes you wear you dont deserve their shield
and take those dressings off your arm now, you dont deserve to heal.
put down that cherry lip gloss you dont deserve that kiss
dont you hope or pray now you dont deserve a wish

dont you shed a tear now, you dont deserve to cry
stop looking like you want to ask, cause you dont deserve to ask me why
dont you take a breath now you dont deserve to breath
dont feel sorry for yourself now, you dont deserve to grieve

dont you run away now you dont deserve the ground beneath your feet
and dont you rest your tired legs you dont deserve a seat
dont brush your hand against your skin, you dont deserve to feel
and dont you dare eat that food, you dont deserve that meal
soveryBPD soveryBPD
18-21, F
Sep 11, 2012