I Need Someone To Care.

It's been a long time. I shouldn't be struggling so much anymore. I came to Florida with a little chunk of cash and a dream of work. When I couldn't get any work, I focused on getting everything out of my house and tried to satisfy my dad with getting it done as swiftly as possible. Of course, that didn't really happen either... I threw out some important documents and made some mistakes that cost us extra money that we didn't have to spend. In my defense, I was rushing. But what's done is done. That part of my time here in Florida was actually the best time. I had a familiar place to comfort me, even if it was being emptied out slowly. I couldn't help but feel a little tossed around. In Israel I met someone that I fell in love with. I didn't know that I loved him that much of course, until I had no way to see him anymore. But I know I only kept some sanity because of him when I was trying to help my mom after her two brain surgeries. As I sat there in my big empty house, feeling hollowed out inside, I felt even worse. I was suddenly too alone. I only had my best friend who had just been kicked out of her house. Now I had to also take care of her. My little chunk of cash whittled away, stressing me out further. Even now, I am still trying to find a way to GAIN money. I have one job now that pays me almost nothing: around $90 per two weeks. I have a job interview for a 1-day-a-week job that I really hope I can get. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want from life, but I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to? In my future I am supposed to go back to Israel. That long and difficult process is also being left all to me. I don't want to be here anymore, in this stupid place in life. It's a circle that keeps eating me out from the inside. The worst part is how lonely I feel. I now sleep on my oldest brother's couch. He works from morning to night and I don't eat when he's not home. He likes to make fun of me and call me anorexic, so if I'm going to eat I save it for when he's home so he can't say anything. I eat the same thing every time. 1/2 cup Quinoa with 2 slices of tomato and 1 slice of low fat provolone cheese. I can't remember the last time I ate something else other than that and I can't remember the last time I could finish the whole thing without feeling like I was eating too much. I would have never called myself fat, and I am not freakishly skinny. I am 5'7" and when I left Israel I was 150 lbs. I am now, three months later 130 lbs. I have not hit the 20's yet, but I feel that I will by the end of the week. Yesterday I caught myself thinking it would be nice to see the scale say one-twenty-something. I honestly wish I was more responsible, but I can't change who I am or what my life is like right now. I'm sorry for being confused and I'm sorry I felt like my life was being ripped to shreds in front of my eyes. Even though I am always trying to stay positive, I just need someone to hear me sometimes. Everything I've written here, I have never told anyone before. I have a very shy personality and I don't share things that I think other people will find hard to hear. I just want everything and everyone to go away, especially me, Renee Sech.
ReneeSech ReneeSech
18-21, F
Sep 17, 2012