I Really Want To Love Me

hi, so i was anorexic starting in spring 2010, and then i became bulimarexic that summer. i was sooo sick for which felt like forever. i had nobody. i couldnt talk to anyone and i was so unbearably lonely. i was so close to suicide til i had a school teacher help me out just by talking to me and giving me advice. ive learned so much, but i still have these strong hate feelings and these desires to get back my perfect body. i was so addicted to laxatives last year. i advise you, dont take them for weight loss. it is gross yes, but they made me feel safe, but they also made me feel freaked out because i took them everyday for months, almost completely destroyed my bowels, and i had bled so badly the last time i ever took them in i think may.
but anyhows, i been seein this real ***** of a doctor since december 2011, so a year now, and she makes me feel soooo bad about myself. i been feeling okay and doing well the past few months, and i saw her wednesday, i lost weight, and of course she is making me go back two weeks cause that and my heart has chaotic beats. but now i feel so dupey and afraid to eat. my friend would not leave me alone today when she had to get her son. she made her daughter watch me so i wouldnt go purge or cut when im in her care. seems she only cares when im in her care cause it be on her if i got hurt. shes being so mean today, i blame myself just cause im a stress to be around with my ED and hater of life and all.

***but, my doctor flipped because i weigh 119. is that low to you?! its not to me. but im not sure really. i am 5'6 and weigh 119. do you think im close to underweight or that, thats not very good weight for my health?***
kaitlyn0108 kaitlyn0108
18-21, F
Dec 8, 2012