Face Of Ana

Food. Mountains and rivers and lakes, all made up of food. Carbs and proteins, vegetables and fruits. Laxatives and diet pills, metabolism supplements, and of course, food. Food on my mind, but not in my stomach. Staring at other people’s food, watching them eat. Telling yourself that you’re stronger than them, tougher than them. You tell yourself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. You begin to skip—skip everything. You skip meals, you skip social events, you skip life. You go for long walks or work like a maniac just to shield yourself from the terror of food. You don’t understand what you’re doing to yourself, maybe you know it’s bad, maybe you don’t. But what you do know is this: that every ounce lost is a victory, and every bite swallowed is a reason to give up all hope. A reason to think you are fat, a reason to think you are worthless, a reason to hate, a reason to starve. The hunger begins to feel good. It is a weight lifted off of your shoulders, like that satisfying feeling of being done with classes for the weekend. You cherish the hunger. You are happy only when you feel the vast pit in your stomach where the food should go. Meet Ana. Ana is a parasite. She chooses her victims, latches onto their minds and souls until they’ve wasted away to the point of no return. She is bone, she is skin, she is freedom, she is slavery. Freedom from the feeling of self hatred, slavery by being bounded to a road to hell and back. Ana will kill you. Ana will tie your soul to a post and set in on fire, but you won’t die, because you still have some pounds to lose before you’ll fit into an XXXS size coffin. Once you’ve reached a certain stage of your relationship with Ana- your only relationship left- you need to fill the gap in your life. The isolation kills you. So you go online. You type the words “Pro-Ana” into your search bar, and you stumble upon the greatest savior of your life, or so you think. A blog for people consumed by Ana, for people who count the calories in the air that they breathe, for people who record their weight statuses every five hours, a blog for people who live in perpetual fear of a three letter word spelled f-a-t, a blog for you. Those posts become your lifeline to the world. At every chance you get you log onto this website, never writing anything for fear of somehow getting caught, but finding comfort and solace in the complaints of your Ana sisters. These girls who you have never met but to whom you are bound to by your disorder, by your irrationality, by your victimization, motivate you. They tell you that you will be okay, that there is nothing wrong with you, they tell you the same line repeated over and over again in your head when you get cravings to eat the poisonous food: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. But no, that’s not true. Not in the least. Ana took away your ability to feel skinny. She grabbed your self esteem by the collar, yanked it from your heart where it had lived previously, and tainted it forever. So maybe you find no joy in eating, but you still never feel skinny. You truly never feel anything. And this is the death brought by Ana. She steals your soul, your precious soul, and throws it away, leaves it to decay, and get eaten by vultures. You live your days hungry, tired, unaware, uncaring, unloving, unloved. You live alone, you live ugly, you are too skinny, you are too weak. You have become Ana.
Avit Avit
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 5, 2013

;( This made me cry. It's so true.

This is so hauntingly accurate. Incredibly powerful in a way I could never express through words.

Thank you. Truly and from the bottom of my Ana-ridden heart, thank you for this. This is everything in words that she could ever mean, could ever embody. I've been fighting for years to purge my soul and body of Ana, she has a tight and fiery grip on me. You, you are a writer. A soul searcher. I appreciate every word of this beautiful turn of phrase because it is raw, real, and true.

I have become Ana, but I am trying to regain the control I sought in welcoming her. She is no longer welcome. Life is control, losing control is not mastery, but a downward spiral into Ana's tainted world.

Your words are perfect.

wow!! that was amazing. made me cry because i know.