Once The Chubby Kid Always The Chubby Kid

In primary school I was always the tallest kid in the class and chubby too as my parents way of showing love was to buy me food or give me bigger meals and I was brought up to eat what I was given and not make a fuss regardless of whether I liked it or not.I was bullied in primary but it was okay I had teachers to keep me company and tone it down a little bit.
Starting 7th grade I got bullied from my first day severely by the older girls and I stopped eating lunch because I'd have to hide away in the toilets all break and lunch to avoid the girls, family started complimenting me and saying I looked nicer and slimmer and it gave me a boost of confidence. I was going to do this, to get pretty to not be called fat and ugly every day to prove the bullies wrong and to become what they told me I never could. I started skipping breakfast and my parents were still unaware of what was going on and then it progressed to throwing away my dinners, scraping them into containers so that my plate was empty and then throwing them in the bin over the park nearby or inviting a friend round and giving them my dinner saying that I had already eaten mine. I started eating normalish again after quite a while as the bullying stopped and I found friends to hang out with. Then in yr 9 they became obsessed with their figures and weights and would all sit and discuss how much they weighed so I decided to weigh myself and I realised I was heavier than all of them, I broke down in tears I was the fat kid again, I began cutting and got extremely depressed , all the while trying to keep up that fake smile and fool everyone into thinking I was fine.I got into a new relationship and began to feel happier once again we were together for six months over which he gradually became more and more controlling over me I couldn't see friends , couldn't go out without telling him where I was and how long I'd be there for and then he became impatient with other things, I had told him I wasn't ready for sex as I was only fifteen at the time and very self conscious of my body already, he decided that this didn't matter and he raped me but I was too afraid to tell anyone, too ashamed and it happened again I felt dirty and vile and like I had No control in my life and I began restricting severely and exercising every day for countless hours to relieve the anger I felt.
When I got rushed to hospital he decided that he no longer wanted me and ended the relationship leaving me in an even worse bout of depression and loneliness than before.
Last year I slowly began to recover or at least I reached a 'healthy' weight but then christmas came and I relapsed and I'm now back in this cycle and struggling a great deal, disappointing those that I love , those that told me they were so proud I had gotten better when the harsh reality of it all was that it had never really gone away ...
Unlabelled1211 Unlabelled1211
18-21, T
Jan 8, 2013