Went Too Far

I'm 18, 5'7 and a year ago I was up to 136 lbs (62kg) and I panicked. So I got really strict with myself and became a control freak. I went on a crash diet and ate only about 400 calories a day and 4 months later I was down to 45 kg. Now, I weigh 46 kg and I binge eat, throw up, chew & spit, am obsessed with not eating food and I have to take pills everyday to stop my hair from falling out!
I try to convince myself to eat more and be healthy again but every time I make up my mind I eat then change my mind and throw up! I'm going around in circles. Also I have people telling me I'm either skinny and look sick, but then there are the people telling me that I have an ideal body and that I look like a model. Who should I believe?? And I can't trust myself coz the moment I gain just 1 kilo I look in the mirror and think : 'omg I'm already fat!'
I have these long lists of reasons why to stop being anorexic but they aren't really helping much. I tried to get help from a doctor but it was useless.
Now I'm desperate for help so I thought that maybe sharing my story with other people like me, who understand me, could help...
Janeevans Janeevans
18-21, F
5 Responses Jan 16, 2013

hey girly. i am 5'1 and used to weigh 80 pounds, then i realized how crazy starvation made my mind and emotions. so now i feed myself all that i need. Its good to notice how it effects your mind and causes you to suffer, as to gain some momentum to get better! once you start giving yourself what you need to be healthy, you will feel and look so beautiful. You could experiment with letting yourself loose control, like let yourself do as you will do for a day, and not let your thoughts control you. like see if without the influence of thought, if you will eat enough, or eat to little. thus you will gain real control over your life, instead of this fake control you thing you are gaining.

Really, I'm sure you are worrying people who care about you and, ultimately, NO ONE has the right to tell you how you need to look or how much you need to weigh.

It sounds like you really need to seek some advice from a physician because you are underweight and it sounds like you don't have a lot of control over your own health right now.

You should look into some counselling. Counselling really helps, I attend counselling sessions for some different issues on and off and I know when I'm talking to a psychologist, I feel more in control.

Good luck, take care of yourself.

For my penny-worth I would say that 136lbs sounds like a very healthy weight for your height. Don't let anyone persuade you that you should weigh less.

hiya for about 2 years now iv been on 400 calories a day i understand how you feel its really hard im always trying to convince my self to change i say im going to do it and then i eat more i feel so guilty afterwords and lock my self away from others im scared im going to get fat and always asking if i look like iv put eny weight on im here if you need to talk i dont really talk to many people like me and my friends dont understand .

Honestly it is the hardest thing in the world. Ana takes us over. Almost everyday of mine is horrible. Fighting a battle with myself that I feel like I will never win. But what I did find that helps me a lot is I talk to my best friend Michael I tell him everything. He may not understand but he lets me cry on his shoulder in his arms for hours. Sometimes just letting it all out helps. I am here if you ever want to talk. Stay sting beutiful<3

Thanks that's really sweet of you. But once I started dieting I also just wanted to be alone (like all anorexics) and I stopped seeing my friends and now I see friends but they're just not close enough to talk to...and I hide my anorexia pretty well so they have no idea...

Yeah I did the same. He's my one friend and he only knows because well I was hospolized. It's a lonely rode being anorexic long and lonely....

Yes I'm finding that out unfortunately...
Well I'm really happy that you've got someone and I hope I'll be as lucky..