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The Disease

I've recently took anorexia to the next level. I'm 14 4'10. I know, I'm a tiny little thing. That means I am suppose to be light since I'm little. I'm 98 lbs and desperately wanting to loose more and more. The sickest part, there's something that wants to be underweight. I can't stand the sight of food because I get scared I'll loose control and eat. I don't purge but I do binge on sweets of something. I wanted to purge but I always get scared and never do it. I workout everyday, pushing myself so far that my body is sore and I can barely move. I was called fat in my old school and I was always scared to eat. I've made my own diet where I do a half hour work out twice a day and I only eat 500 calories. I write down everything I eat, like a diary. I list what the food is and how many calories it is. My friend saw my book once and told me I wasn't fat and that I didn't need to loose weight since I was already skinny but I don't believe her. I'm obsessed with looking at myself in the mirror, always looking at my fat body. In my eyes, my thighs and the top of my arms are to big, my stomach comes out to much, my cheeks have to much fat on them, etc. I'm scared that I won't be satisfied until I see my bones and I don't want that. I can already see the top of my ribs where my collar bone is and that scares me. I have no control, my disease is making me slowly die from the inside out.
dissapearingstorm dissapearingstorm 13-15, F 2 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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Hey,
A lot of us here are in the same boat as you. I was (am) and have been for a long time. I'm medically diagnosed as having anorexia though. I know that there is not much a person can say to make you believe that you are okay but I will tell you that having at least one thing, like writing, reading, listening or playing music, or even venting to a friend can be very helpful.
You are in my prayers. Hope this helps.

Hey darling.
I was diagnosed with severe anorexia 2 years ago. I have no right to tell you to eat, and I have no idea what ur going through. I just really hope ur okay, because it pains me to read stories like yours Xx if there's one thing ill tell u, its this: try and look at the glass like its half full instead of half empty, and stay strong ;* my thoughts go to u,
-C