Wanderer

I've always been the type of person who other people can talk to and I love that. It makes me feel really good. But I've never been able to talk to people myself.
Ever since I can remember whenever I'd go to the doctor he would always tell me I was overweight and here are some ways to lose weight and you are in this percentile and we need to get you down to this one. Now, I've always known I was fat. and I didn't really need the constant reminder. Two years ago I went to the doctor the last time and he recommended I go to see a dietician to lose weight. I cried for so long. I asked my mom to join weight watchers and i was on it for a summer, counting calories and all that stuff but it didnt work and the year went by.That next summer I went to camp and wasn't hungry and I found that with so many kids, I didn't need to eat because no one would notice. Then during fair for a week I ate and drank nothing but water and it was amazing. I started counting calories more often. Obsessing over them. I hardly ate anything and I weighed myself every day. And only my boyfriend knew because I told him when he started to get really worried. About a year later, this year, I told my parents. I go to three different doctors now and see the therapist every week. Every night I lie in bed and cry because I hate what they make me do. I have to follow a meal plan and it really sucks.
I want to kill myself constantly and when I wake up each day I wonder if its worth it. Usually I don't think so.
This past year at fair I got a knife to open bales of hay. It sits in my room and every day I want to use it but I know if I do then they will put me on pills and I don't want that. I try to be happy but I wish I'd never told my parents because the doctors don't listen to me and they make everything harder and then demand to be trusted and wonder why I resist. I want to die but I can't and I feel as if I will never get out.
allofth3abov3 allofth3abov3
13-15, F
1 Response Jan 23, 2013

You will find a way to escape. I promise. If you can't listen to the doctors listen to a close friend or a support group. Find something someone to rely on other than ana. One of my favorate quotes:

"They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So to kill yourself your mind your soul your happiness is accepting weakness."
-HMK