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Ana Is Myself ...

ANA Is Me Myself and My Distorted Reflection ...

Though I know but I still believe in the distorted perception ...
 
over 3 years untill now since she has been apart of me ...

I need no sympathy but understanding ...

I need you to feel me ...

96 lbs with 5'5 feet height ...

I still feel "FAT" even though I know Im not ...

Dear Ana,

  " You are my best friend and worst enemy ...  
  
   But why i cant lose you ...  

   Or I dont want to ...  

   I just dont know ..."


 

DollyDiva DollyDiva 22-25, F 45 Responses Jan 20, 2009

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My family or friends don't know about my anorexia and I don't ever want to tell them.. I Have no one to speak to because my friend doesn't understand xx

I really understand what you're going through.. xx I know how you feel x She will leave when the time is right x Just stay calm and power through ;)

I haven't read that book but I'll check it out ..

This kind of reminds me of a book I have called Skinny.

This kind of reminds me of a book I have called Skinny.

Of course ! You can speak to me .. Im ready to hear you ...

hello i ned to speak to someone im anorexic i need to speak xxxx

@ Livincolor,, I know .. I try to eat healthy like salad or sth like that .. and it seemed to work :)<br />
<br />
@ Amy ,, Thx for feeling me ...

i know u try dolly..

CandyRainsPearls makes a good point. If I eat something really healthy I dont feel as absolutely miserable afterwards. Eating something healthy everyday is a good step to take to try to overcome that feeling of satisfaction when my stomach is entirely empty. Just something to keep in mind. <br />
Stay strong

I totally appreciate your all carings and suggestions as well as understanding .. Im trying .. and getting better since Victoria's Secret doesn't need a skeleton model ...

P/s: DollyDiva, anorexics discover reserves of pure steel in themselves as they try to assert control over their lives and feelings through eating discipline, and I always ask amyMM to do her best to turn this stubborness *against* the anorexia, use it to resist her.<br />
<br />
A person who can say "no" to food even when they are starving -- even when they are hurting the people who love them and are begging them to resist -- has the emotional strength and discipline (somewhere...) to challenge her: "Who are you to say that I deserve to be punished? That I don't deserve to be well? Who are you to say that I should destroy myself and make my body disappear?" <br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Andrew

Sweetie never told anyone here but' i hav same problem..it's gotten better last 10 years..but' i eat enough to keep my weight normal..i can put on extra weight and it shows in my rear..and i cut food out for a few days till i reach my comfortable weight..but' i do many things to keep it under..salmon oil..virgin coconut oil..vitamin d helps a lot..hug and kisses sUgA! maybe I'll write a story soon..i also hav tape measure and constantly measure my body..stay away from mirrors ..that never works tho ..~xox lOv Ya ! UR BBF always! also read bible..and talk to others with our bad friend..i am mostly a vegetarian..but i eat fish..tonight i had spinach fresh and grilled salmon..eat healthy..try too :O)

Hello DollyDiva. You have my understanding... and also my sympathy. Why not? The more I learn about anorexia and eating disorders, the more I really how difficult your battle is.<br />
<br />
*hugs*<br />
<br />
I will never judge you, okay. Remember, anorexia is a liar, she makes people think that controlling their weight is a form of control, when actually it is a total loss of control over healthy needs and desires.<br />
<br />
With all my love --<br />
<br />
Andrew

hugs*

I feel like I can't live without her .. I know I could but I'm not ready to accept that :(

i just saw ur story dolly..maybe with ur story others can understand how is to deal with anorexia

"You are my best friend and worst enemy ... But why i cant lose you ... Or I dont want to ... I just dont know ..."<br />
<br />
^^I feel exactly the same. I dont want to be without my "Ana" but I know I should be.

Dear Sagenth,<BR><BR>Thks a lot for your comments, I really appreciated,, I would like to explain you a bit more about my ED,, Firstly,, Im not suffering with Ana because of the reason that "I want to be attractive",, because I am already and always have been,, thats for me and my satisfaction,, I may not seem attractive to someone but as the way it is,, "beauty is in the eyes of beholder",, Thus, "to be attractive" was not the cause of my ED at all,, In contrast, I am now suffering because of my self-distorted reflection as I had mentioned in the story,, I see myself FAT,, no matter how weight I am,, I dont know how to cope with this as I am mentally ill,, I know and everybody says "you are very thin" but I FEEl fat and that feeling makes me feel so negative with myself,, As a result, "to make myself feel better" was the key,, I starve myself just to be a little bit happier,, but I still eat just to be alive as I dont wanna die,, I dont wanna lose,, I wanna live longly enough as I want,, Its my decision not hers ...

He knows it best ! This was the cause that makes him very worry about me, I explained him clearly what I have gone through, we discussed this topic so many times and finally, I found out my answer, I neither want to die nor live fat, but I want to live happily and skinny.<br />
<br />
At least I know what I want ... and that's good enough for me ! :)

It will. But it will take time, and self control. To see something you want, and hold yourself firm against it. To tell yourself you will be better to yourself and deny what it is that makes you feel dirty or impure. Also, tell someone close to you about what it is you are fighting against. They might help you, give you some advice, or just tell you that they are here for you, whether good or bad.

Almost impossible to achieve ,..<br />
Ana is "Lust" as she is emotions ...<br />
Human being are always controled by self emotions ..<br />
I'm completely one of them,<br />
Thus, to conquer "lust" is not easy to do,<br />
It takes lots of time and patience, <br />
I'm now practicing the way to conquer lust ..<br />
"Meditation" = Mind Control ...<br />
I wish it would work

What you have to understand is that you and Ana are one, completely connected, but YOU are the one who has control over both. Ana is just a series of emotions and thoughts that you yourself created when you were younger to help combat an environment that you felt hostile. YOU have the power, you just need to believe that and then learn how to control it.

Yes, I absolutely agreed with you. What weired is I am in contrast of myself ... Sometimes, I love the way I look, but some I hate it a lot, I love to be popular, but I dont like when people treat me like a superstar and also I hate being talked and gossiped by public community who has no idea what's real or unreal ;O !<br />
<br />
Bact to Ana, I hate her to make me feel uncomfortable with my body image but I love her to make me able to control my hunger and lusts ...

We all have our own demons within ourselves we must face. That alternate face we keep away from most people and suffer in silence with, that makes us feel ugly and grotesque and unwanted. And it is hard, one of the hardest things to do in life is face them and not be afraid of what we see or feel. But we can overcome them; all we must do is look at ourselves for one moment the way others see us. We must hear their words for what they truly are; words of honesty and truth about what they see when they look at us.

aww you are so kind & good-hearted kitty :(<br />
I'm very happy to know you ;)<br />
Thks for cheer up! I'm gonna be ok ! :)

i'm so sorry for you honey....your very very beautiful,and i know how hard is to fight anorexia,but you will be fine,*hugs

Thks Kaye !<br />
<br />
That means a lot to me > < ~

haha yeh the plan sounds simple...until you try it :P<br />
<br />
me too! ur never alone cos im always here :)<br />
<br />
hugs! xxxxx

hehe Kaye,<br />
<br />
If it's a plan, it's the most weired, difficult, complicated, and interesting plan > < ~<br />
<br />
Let's survive !<br />
<br />
Ps, I'm very happy to meet someone like you and many fabulous people here ^ ^ <br />
It's quite hard for others to understand us, thus I feel like i'm not a lone anymore and you neither !<br />
<br />
Lovesss, :)

hehe im up for a bit of maintaining....as long as i can keep it up without settin new goals :P<br />
<br />
heyy cherrrie lets do are best not to die ok ? :L that sounds like quite a plan<br />
<br />
xxxxxx love!

Yayyy ! Kaye ~<br />
<br />
dont die, dont live fat ! <br />
<br />
Be happy with our own distorted body hah !<br />
<br />
I really cant gain weight, the best I can do is not ever lose more but not gain neither ! NEVER ~<br />
<br />
Huggggs :)

i just struggle to draw the line. if im cutting back everyday soon there isnt anything to cut back on and i just get more confused but i see your point and thats what im trying to do<br />
<br />
hugs! xxxx

Dear Kaye,<br />
<br />
I understand that point! But Better not to die and not to live fat! :), We just need to eat for survive! the way we are happy is different from others, So sometimes, they dont understand but compassionate instead...<br />
<br />
I dont want you to die, I dont wanna see anyone of us has to suffer neither but I want us to live happily in our own way, If you feel happy, Just do it! but try to avoid the "death line", We should live to enjoy our life and self-control! :)<br />
<br />
Thks,

Your words made me feel like i wanted to get better and i REALLY hope that i will but ive tried. Ive tried SOO many times and this time im startin to realise that i dont care if i die, i dont care if i dont look as pretty as others because i wanna be happy with me and i feel the only way i can be happy with me is by living my life this way<br />
<br />
ive struggle for two years and now all i know is that id rather die thin than live fat...

Sacred,<br />
<br />
After I've read your words over & over again, I was stunned & stuck at this page for a while, and realized how I really feel ..<br />
<br />
I can not accept that I want to ged rid of her..<br />
though I know she is guiding me to the wrong way .. <br />
I've followed like a fool ,<br />
<br />
But, I dont want to do that any longer ..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I dont want to go back nor beyond <br />
<br />
I am satisfy standing right here <br />
<br />
Is it possible ? <br />
<br />
<br />
Thks,

kaye and cherrie I never thought there was hope at the end of the tunnel. I have lived with this for 16 years. I stayed in hospitals and residential treatment centers for 3 years without ever leaving because if I left I was going to die. I had to learn how to form sentences again because I starved my brain. I could not let go. even when my organs failed, even when i was on ventilators I couldn't let her go I loved her. But my heart stopped they almost let me go and I came back. It was then I knew her only wish was to kill me. I was disgusting looking. I wasn't pretty. I didn't care about that though. I knew then she only wanted me dead not happy, not loved, not anything but dead. I know cherrie and i know I want her alive more than dead and I am sad when she is sad and ana doesn't care about cherrie at all or if she is happy she wants her sad she wants to take everything from her and i hate ana for that. and I know ana does the same to you. she wants the same from all of us. there is so much more I promise I promise with all my heart but it takes time it takes years for some people (me included) but I promise everything is so much prettier with out her in the picture.<br />
<br />
message me anytime

Dear Kaye,<BR><BR>I obviously understand how you feel .. I really can not.. To be honest, I'm so tired and weak right now but I cant stop .. I cant let her go.. I dont wanna regret of what've done.. She has become my dark side since the first minuit I wanted to lose weight..<BR>I was 115 lbs at the beginning and I just dont know, as more I can lose , as more I'm content ... Until 4th months, I was so depressed as everyday other girls in college kept asking the same question about "my weight", They talked behind me that I was sick of mental disease .. they called "bonize disease" refers to Ana .. I was away from college many classes after that as I couldn't take the depression from all around me..<BR><BR>Some really cared about me but some just curious to know the truth .. Some tried to take photos of me .. I hate this stupid reaction.. Long before, when I heard about Anorexia, I thought It was ridiculous, how could you see yourself so distorted .. ! I never believe until now.. When she's become me .. my thought.. & my perception..<BR><BR>Thks a lot Kaye,<BR>im with you ,

Cherriebomb<br />
<br />
im with you i try and live my life without 'her' but i cant!! it's all i can think about! in every second of everyday and i hate myself so much more for trying to get rid of her it makes me feel worse when i get such a high from knowing that that day i onyl had an apple and that the next day i will only have half! i lack purpose now i dont see the point in life

I understand completely. However, it is possible to let her go. I lived with her for 12 years without a vacation so to speak and have spent 4 years separating myself from her entirely. Even though I do struggle. But recovery is a choice like I said and really either you hit rock bottom, you die, or you realize you are ready. For me it was all three. I died and was on monitors, I hit rock bottom, and I realized I needed to be an adult and I couldn't fit her in myself anymore I needed to let her go or I was going to be 6 feet under the dirt for good. I'm here for you whether you recover or not hunn. :) But I won't encourage it but i'll for sure listen :) I hope you had a good day love.

I've read your story and really understand yr feeling..<br />
I cant beat her as she is in my mental part.. It's deeper than body part.. i dont know how to explain but it's very difficult to fight against your mental conceptual..

Cherrie,<br />
<br />
I have overcome a lot in my life besides my eating disorder and when you say it is hard know that it does not fall on deaf ears. The part that gets me is she will always be with you like any addiction or battle wounds will be but in time the harder you fight the quieter she becomes. <br />
<br />
Right now she is a loud roaring fire that is deafening but in time she will become small embers only reminding you of the fire your overcame. Im not going to tell you it's easier because it's not, and i'm not going to tell you it wasn't scary because well it was. I don't know but from your writing and pictures I can tell you are a vibrant woman and please don't let her steal you from the world. Don't let her make you make less of yourself for this world. I'm not really sure how this site works I'm still figuring it out but you can message me anytime :). I'll put my "story" up to but a really short version... lets not put a novel on the internet. I'm always willing to help if the other person wants it. :)

Dear sacredvision,<br />
<br />
I've tried to fight Ana along the time.. But I just dont know.. I feel like as long as she's with me.. She's harder to resist...

I am sorry about your friend and getting better is a beautiful thing. I have had an eating disorder for 16 years now and have been recovering for four years. I have spent most of my childhood and teenage years in hospitals and residential centers... please get help while you still can while its still in you to fight. you are strong and you can do anything all it takes is a decision.

She's still with me..<BR>I was a liar after have tried to against her many times..<BR><BR>i lost again...<br />
<br />
I've lost my best friend bcz of her.. I blamed her of being beauty concious.. But today i came to know it's not being beauty concious.. but ... beyond that...