Dear experience project,

Hello, I hope you all are doing well.
This is a little bit long, but I needed somewhere to vent.
It all started at the ballet class at school, when I was told by my teacher that I need to lose weight to be a ballerina. So it really offended me and I've been having bad body images ever since.
I was only seven years old and I remember throwing away the homemade chocolate biscuits and cookies my mom packed for lunch at the trash or giving them to the janitors, teachers or my classmates. I remember that when I celebrated my birthday I asked my parents to not bring me cake and sweets but healthy snacks instead.
I wanted to show them that I am capable of being a ballet dancer and that I can be as skinny and confident as the other girls in my class. As I noticed the numbers on the scale going down, I felt so much happier. I was accepted in the ballet class, I had much more friends and everyone was whispering about how thin I've became. I told myself that I could always lose some more weight.
Unfortunately, I couldn't exercise because of severe asthma and ballet is the only exercise that didn't trigger it, so I found myself restricting my calorie intake more and more. Few months ago, I started only eating 5-10 small bites everyday. My parents were very worried but I got away by saying that I already ate a big breakfast (which I didn't), was feeling sick or I'm so tired and I need to go to bed. I would tell my mom that I will eat at a friend's house then go and tell my friend that I already ate at home.
Finally, my mom noticed that I was feeling cold when no one else is, that my hair fell off, my skin became dry and that my nails were broken and brittle. So I went to the doctor and found out that I lost even more weight, being 95 lbs. Secretly, I felt so much happy and alive but pretended not to know how I lost it. Despite the doctor asking me questions and my answers that were fake and normal, she knew that I was anorexic. I saw my mother cry because she was afraid that I'd starve, and they've been forcing me to eat but I got away by giving my food to the dog, chewing and spitting, secretly putting the food back into the container or giving it to my brothers.
I'm constantly thinking about food. Cooking for others, collecting recipes, reading food magazines, and making meal plans while eating very little.
I'm unable to focus, my vision became blurry, my memory became very weak, my period didn't come for 6 months and I've always dreamt of having kids and starting a family, i have low blood pressure and I lack potassium, sodium and calcium. My bones are very weak and they break quickly.. I scarified my health and happiness for my friend, Ana.
How can I make myself and my family happy and start living normally again? How can I escape this hell of horrible fear of gaining weight and constant guilt?

Sorry if this was too long. This is my story with anorexia.
Forgottencorpse Forgottencorpse
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 30, 2014

It's okay. I've been there. My period stopped too from anorexia.
When my mum descovered I was anorexic she told her sisters who probably would have shoveled food down my mouth if I gave them half the chance.
With recovery, take it gradually. Step by step. Change your scenery when you eat and focus on the things around you instead of the food. It's hard. It takes time, years to get healthy again.
Just think if you want children then you need your period back.
My mum gave me some tough love by telling me all the side effects that come with it (all that I already knew) and showing pictures of when my aunty had ana. Seeing her so ill made me worry for her. She would never have had my cousins if she hadn't recovered.
Upon recovery, my depression lifted. I was scared of relapsing but I kept strong and focused on the now. Not the past, and not for whatever is to come. I became happier and more confident. My grades improved and my friendships and family relationships got better.
Your mum is here to help you. Don't forget that. She'll always be there for you. Just don't expect to recover in an instant. It takes time. Just remember; it will get better.

Stay Strong Beautiful! I know its really hard to recover. I've struggled with anorexia since the age of twelve I'm 16 now and a good way to recover is a least having a small apple a day It's what I've been doing then I would try and have 1/2 an apple gradually I just add an 1/2 each day. It can be any food that you find might be possible for you to eat. I've been going to hospital back and forth and trust me you don't want to go down that road. You can beat ana gorgeous xxxx I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to about it :)

Thank you very much for your support. I'm going to follow your plan and see what happens. You're very kind. Stay strong.