Anorexic For 4 Years Now. On and Off. Here's the Story:

hm about my story
well- 6th grade, i had surgery on my stomach for 2 hernias that had developed. from there: i started intensive dancing in 6th grade for the first time. girls in the class were very skinny indeed and i felt like i didn't fit in. after surgery, however, i couldn't do as much working out as i had expected to, and gained about 5 pounds. i was around 75-80 pounds throughout 6th grade. i was also short, so i figured that if i looked wide, i would be considered fat. so i started purging, but not bulimic. it was more anorexia triggered. that means that i could eat almost nothing, and then eat dinner, and then puke. i would do this 5 or so times a week, to great results. i quickly lost weight. but, i felt the need to tell someone. at camp that summer, my counselor noticed my awkward eating habits, and i told her about how i had puked a few times in the cabin bathroom. she was in awe, because she said i was "so skinny already". she told my parents, although i requested her not to. my parents had a long talk with me, and i saw the doctor. luckily, my body took well to stress or purging and less eating, so my glands were not swollen, my teeth were in great shape, and my throat was great as well.

from there, i lied to my doctor and told her i'd only purged 2 or 3 times. [haha]. anyways, even after seeing the doctor, i continued to purge about 1 time a week, maybe, at the most. then, i saw the "light" in life, and stopped. but, come 7th and 8th grade, i became a victim of depression. i rubbed on my arm until it was raw and red and hurt like a mother ****** to touch. my teacher noticed, and i had also stopped eating lunch, as a result of this depression. my school guidance counselors both talked to me, at the same time, about eating lunch. i lied and said i was eating fine, just seemed different. they let me go after talking to me a little more about health and dancing.

then, i started purging again. over the summer, i did it about 20 times, maybe. then, during the school year, i started dating a guy who told me i was not good enough for him, pretty much. he only pointed out my flaws, and i was disgusted with myself. i would have episodes where i didn't eat anything at all.

now, though, i am a freshman in high school. i have not seeked help, and i do not care for help. i would rather "suffer" quietly and on my own, with support from those who i do not know. a month ago, i was bulirexic, which means i didn't eat and when i was scared to not eat in front of my parents, i purged during my shower. i went back to eating normally, even overeating, in a stage i call my stupid stage. i then, as of yesterday, became serious about my eating. i stopped eating altogether, and if my parents ask, i ate a full lunch, breakfast, etc. but i really can not tell them. they will take me out of dance if i do.

the reason for all this crazy anorexic behavior, is, i believe: dance... i do ballet, jazz, hiphop, modern, and pointe, and wearing a leotard drives me crazy. my teacher probably has heard about my past eating disorder, but she has no idea how much it affects me when she tells the class to "suck in their gut" etc. i love the teacher, but she hurts me even if she says it to someone else. i've become extremely self conscious and i cannot go and eat like a normal person without guilt.

all my friends say they will rat me out .
i'm hoping they won't notice if i drop maybe 10 more pounds. maybe 15. maybe 20.

i am: 5'1" and 103 pounds. happy weight: 80

i miss myself being thin.

ragingRAM ragingRAM
2 Responses Mar 9, 2009

I was 86 in 6th grade. In all honesty I gained 20 POUNDS between 6-7th, although that's 'healthy' I worked hard and lost 10 between 7th and 8th<br />
<br />
In all honesty id never consider purging, it's better to just exercise. It's healthier, easier to hide, and it keeps the pounds off

i feel your pain here :( including the 'silly stage' i do that inbetween my own little recoveries :( i dont want the help cos then ill be letting them down cos i CANT but if i keep it too myself then i have no1 to dissapoint and so feel less pressured :(<br />
each time u go thru it does it get worse and longer and thinnner ?