12 Years And Counting...

I have been struggling with Anorexia/Bulimia since I was 15 and in high school. For as long as I can remember I have always felt not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. It wasn't until I was in high school and someone said that I was small and curvy did I realize that I wasn't skinny enough either. I grew up in a household controlled by an over bearing mother and no father during my formative years. I began by restricting my food and then decided that I would try binge/purge. I enjoyed the sense of control that I had and for the next 4 years I would restrict food for several days and then jam as many calories into my body, looking forward to the relief the purge brought. It was also at this time that I moved away from my mother and felt happy and free. It didn't last long because I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. I was immediately put on meds that caused me to gain weight as well as eating tremendous amounts of food. The meds made me so numb, that I didn't even care if I was getting fat. I gained 50 lbs and then realized what my body looked like. I stopped taking the meds and then moved back into my mother's house. Immediately I went right back into my old habits. I lost a majority of the weight rather quickly, but struggled with the last bit I felt I needed to lose. I moved out again and started dating a woman that was 5'5 and 95 lbs, who had been in treatment multiple times. That was the only difference between her and I, she went to treatment and my family looked the other way. We were a dangerous match for each other and I learned tricks from her on how to restrict myself much more than I had been able to do before. It was at this point that I spiraled out of control, causing damage to my throat resulting in ulcers and lacerations. With the help of a friend I was able to distance myself from my girlfriend and seek outpatient treatment. I went to a few group sessions, but I didn't really want to stop. I was living on my own and had become very successful very quickly, I felt happy. I met a great woman, I got married, and then we lost everything but each other. We both have been unemployed and have had to move 6 times in only 7 months. I can't completely blame my relapse on my circumstances, because I know better than that. I think the symptoms started 14 months ago, but have dramatically increased into the worst relapse I have ever had. I restrict myself to under 1000 calories a day most of the time and exercise as often as I can. I can't stand sitting still and I want to burn off every calorie I consume. I fainted recently because after an hour of cardio and strength training my body was too weak, having not had any food all day. I try to restrict my meals to only twice a day, lunch at 1:00 and dinner at 7:00. I exercise before I eat my first meal, after my first meal, and before bed. I know that my bones are sticking out, but all I see is the jiggling left over fat and skin from when I was so heavy. I have been back on my meds for 3 weeks now and they do cause a slight weight gain. Knowing this I have dropped my calories even further to ensure I don't gain. I was seeing a therapist, but she wanted me to see a specialist and transferred my care. I haven't heard anything from them yet. I wish I could say that my wife understands, but she doesn't. She trys to be supportive the best that she can, but I know that it is just too much for her. I don't want to burden her or any of my friends and I don't have the support of my family either. I'm not sure it matters, I will never be skinny enough and they will never understand.  

NotSkinnyEnough NotSkinnyEnough
26-30, F
Feb 19, 2010