All My Schlock...

Okay.  Here I go...

As a very young child I did what so many people do and started substituting food for love.  Whenever I was tired, bored, grumpy or depressed, I ate.  But I was always a very tall and slender child, and I was sneaky, so nobody ever caught on to what I was doing.  By the time I was seven I fully realized that I was a compulsive over eater and closet binge eater.  And I hated it.  I'm a very self-critical and perfectionist person, so I saw myself and my addiction as very weak.

When I was about ten I deemed myself "fat" and I started compulsively exercising and occasionally restricting fat and calories.  I would turn on my CD player and just run and hop around like mad.  But the binging continued.  Shortly after I turned eleven, after a short period of illness, I got the "bright" idea to purge my food via vomiting. 

This went on for years and years.  My weight would creep up to about 135 on my 5'9'' frame (I reached my adult height by the time I was twelve), and then it would plummet back down to about 105.  And so on and so forth.  I veer back and forth between restricting (mostly when I'm manic) and binging/purging (when I'm down and depressed). 

I'm almost twenty years old, so this anorexia and bulimia has been going on for ten years now.  The only people who know about this in person are my counselors and shrinks (who are bound by confidentiality laws) and three of my friends (I lied I told them I was in recovery).  My parents and others are suspicious, sure, but I'm a sneaky little rat. 

I just want support.  I get very lonely living this screwy little life.   

Omiliyan Omiliyan
18-21, F
5 Responses Mar 4, 2010

No problem, definietly not your fault! I'm not very good with portraying sarcasm on the internet. People usualyl think I'm being serious :P Totally have to work on that...

well then I'm very happy fo you:) i don't read sarcasm very well through the internet or texting so sorry about that... and I know what you mean. i have 9 close family members who are or have been addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. four are dead and one is in jail :/

I was being a facetious little birth. I don't do any drugs, not even pot. I've lost a grandpa, an uncle, a cousin, and numerous friends and acquaintances because of drugs and alcohol.<br />
<br />
And it's been months since I've self injured and I consider myself mostly recovered from that addiction.

or- how about no drugs at all? why do you need another thing to be addicted to? as you've said, you're already hooked on food, excercise, and burning, why throw drugs into the mix and make it that much harder? just my opinion.

Why the hell would I smoke pot when I've got cocaine and adderall?