How To Make An Anorexic's Low Self-esteem Plunge.

So pretty much (if you didn't read my other story), i'm anorexic because there is just way too much going on and I need that control. Also, the burning sensation is kind of a... punishment for not living up to anyone's expectations- not my uncle's, not my dad's, not even mine. I know it's stupid and my dad and uncle love me and I'm probably just blowing it out of proportion and blah blah blah... but still.

So today, I was feeling okay. I hung out with some friends in gymnastics after school, ate some chex mix and a banana, and it was all just fine. And then I came home.

My dad just had surgery, so he's kinda tempermental. And when I came home, he told me that before I went on the computer, I had to get my clothes out of the dryer and put them away. I did, and then got on the computer. Five minutes later, he comes out and asks why I didn't change over the laundry in the washer to the dryer. I replied that I didn't think to and I'd do it right now. But no, he has to go off on this rant and start yelling at me that he just got out of f*ing surgery and I still don't do sh*t and blah blah blah. I tell him that I'm sorry and I've just been down lately (little does he know that I'm f*ing anorexic and just don't have the energy or motivation most the time). But he continues to yell and yell and yell about whatever- it's not like I'm listening. And then something catches my attention. Did he just say that I was

a cr*ap daughter?

I was stunned into silence. I couldn't believe that he said that. More importantly, I couldn't believe I was right. All this time I used my dad's masked disappointment that I merely guessed at as another excuse for my low self-esteem. But I was actually right???

Holy sh*t.

So here's my problem: I don't know what to do with myself. I already clawed the back of hands with my fingernails to the piont where I broke the skin (I do that when I'm nervous, angry, or sad- usually without even knowing it) but I need something to do. My stomach isn't burning enough to satisfy and I don't have a gag reflex so I can't purge and.... I'm just at a loss of how to handle this. Period.

I don't know how to destroy myself further. I know that sounds bad, but at times like this, when my mind is in pain, I need something else to be too. I'm already anorexic, I used to cut but I had a freaky dream and I quit the next day (I'm big on dream interpretation), and I refuse to do drugs or alcohol. What the he*l now??

aloneincalifornia aloneincalifornia
18-21, F
5 Responses Mar 5, 2010

hey baby c: it's alright! I know that if I dissappoint my parents I always think of moving out,and believe they hate me and stuff. but no no no. they do love me! if you discussed with him your problem,you would get closer and would take bigger care of each other! you should talk like equal to equal,nothing to hide! ask him straight if he really believes you're a crappy daughter. a good distruction from your problems is probably instagram. people there care a lot and you can discuss your problems there,while uploading pics of yourself so that we tell you what we think about you (I'm sure you're gorgeous). write down 10 things you're grateful at everyday! always helps me! stay strong and take care :) it's almost christmas xx!

emma-<br />
i appreciate the help, but i would just like to tell you that i am not taking out my 'insecurities and delusions' on my dad. he's always yelling at me about something. and then when he's not, he makes fun of me by calling me names and taunting me and just generally lowering my self-esteem. and when i try and ask him to please stop saying that stuff because it hurts my feelings and makes feel like crap, he just laughs and tells me to grow up and stop being such a baby. therefore, i try to stay out of his way because it's just not good for me.<br />
and i tried excercising and i fainted in class because i hadn't had anything to eat in awhile. it was humiliating and i had to make up a TON of excuses and lies and it was just a disaster. so i mostly get my feelings out by writing stories and songs and poems.<br />
<br />
but thanks anyway,<br />
k

okie hunni im gna tell it to ya straight. but u r now takin your own insecurities and delusions out on ur father. Fathers will ALWAYS tell u wat 2 do its ther job, and im not saying they r always right (i no in my life hes mostly wrong) but ur father is looking out 4 u no matter how bizzare or strange his request may be. I feel bad that u have resorted to cutting yourself etc for a way to let go but if u really wanna kill 2 birds with one stone y not exercise??? it will remove the need to do anything negative and also make u thinner in the progress. win win if u ask me. also i think exercise will help release any boxed up or confined energys that ARE bad to ur health. im sure uv heard it b4 but giv it a try i promise it works. best of luck in the furture u deserve it xoxoxoxoxox

A lot of people say things when they get off on rants that they don't really mean. I have heard this from my parents and my brothers numerous times when we are flying at each other and I know I've said a whole lot of bullsh*t that I didn't really mean, and was just saying to get a rise out of people. <br />
<br />
Give your dad time to cool down and recover from his surgery and then talk to him seriously if he still seems upset. <br />
<br />
Hope everything goes well,<br />
<br />
Omiliyan

Thanks for trying to help, but I'm not sure if i want to talk to anybody. True, I don't like feeling this way, but I want- no, NEED the control my 'issues' give me. And my dad? He's not going to change. I haven't lived with him my whole life (just 4th, 5th, this year, and last year) so he doesn't know how to handle a teenager. It's okay I guess. I'll be graduating next year so then I can have my own life without him OR my psychotic uncle. Then he can be with my little sister all he wants without me getting in the way and messing everything up..<br />
<br />
Thanks anyway,<br />
Kendall

wow. this made me tear up, knowing there's someone out there who cares. thank you so much for posting that :)