I'd Rather Watch

I am an observer by nature. I'm very introverted, though if the mood or situation is right, it could appear quite the opposite. I was raised by parents who didn't really bother to ask how I was, or any specifics in my life. It was the only way I knew. To add to this, my best friend for the first 11 years of my school life was very talkative, self-centered, and I'm not sure she realized how much I had withdrawn into myself because of it. When put into a new class, it would appear that I am super shy, and would rather go the entire year without talking to any of my new classmates. But to be honest, I would rather watch, and observe, before I make any move at all. So, for the first couple weeks, I don't do a thing. Sure, if someone comes up to me, I'll be polite, but if I don't like them right away, I usually give them the cold shoulder after a while.

When it comes to 'going out', I'd rather not. Whether it's to the movies, or to a restaurant, or where ever, if I can stay home, or at a familiar house [friends'], then I'd rather do that. But I also tend to want to make other people happy, and to not be a burden, so I end up going out anywho.

Heck, I don't even go anywhere special with my boyfriend. The occasional movie, and that one time at a pizza place. In fact, when we first started dating, it was him who did all of the talking. He was the first one to ask me out [which is normal, I suppose], and the second one... I said no to both, because of the weird timing in our lives. However, there was a day that I told him that I would go through with it, and he said to tell my parents first. That was harder than talking to him! When we first started talking, like, getting to know each other, it was over AIM. To be honest, it would have felt awkward to talk to him like that face to face. It took another three months for me to feel comfortable enough for a first kiss, and I'm still not ok with great amounts of PDA. But he understands all of that. Thank goodness!

My friend noticed recently that I don't even like ordering at a fast food place, or anywhere. I know it's the person's job to listen to you, and do whatever it is that you want, but it still is odd to me. I like being able to sit back, and observe a situation, a lot, before I do anything. And in most cases, I only ever do anything, because I have to. As for online, I am fine with talking to new people. I am good [in my opinion] at judging people by their choice of words, or how they use them, and being online gives me a chance to look over everything, think, then jump in.

If I get to know you well enough, then my antisocial-ness isn't a problem. But for new people, it seems like I am very shy.
Kagit Kagit
18-21, F
4 Responses Jul 25, 2007

Your story seems similar to mine. Growing up with 2 other siblings, I was the outcast because I thought differently, more artistically, where the other too had that military "this way is the only way" to think mode. so I spent a lot of time home alone....my family would go out to dinner or a movie and would leave me home to watch the dog or something, it hurt at first to be left back, but then i started loving being in the house absolutely alone, especially at night and thats how i naturally became a night owl....staying up in my room at night when everyone was asleep, i enjoyed the silence and the dark closeness.<br />
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I also get very antsy when ordering something as you do, I feel weird that since im ordering, attention is on me, and im not use to people paying that attention, even if its to listen for a food order! <br />
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People over the years compliment my eyes or my looks or if someone touches by skin they tell me how soft it is, or just boyfriends iI've had saying simple compliments to me, I get such a weird feeling when I get complimented...its just so surreal to me, I accept it verbally and politely say thank you, but inside it makes me almost confused, as if I am unable to deal with it. <br />
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oh well, thank you for your story, you highlighted on some things that I thought only I went through but now I know I'm not alone.

you'd be surprised what ppl remember----ppl i knew who hated me in school and made my life hell----still recognize me over twenty yrs later and give me a cold look. there was no need for that tho---my blood had already run cold when i saw them. did we talk? nope, i never will. i HATE those talk shows that feature ppl at odds in school years 'making up.' HAAAATE that concept with a passion!

Personally, you don't seem half as antisocial online as you seem to think you are in reality, maybe you just need to try and express yourself more in real life as much as you do online. I as well am very antisocial, but only because I stutter, so it makes it very...difficult in a way. Your parents raising you in that way must have influenced you a lot, but it's also up to you to conquer the fears that were influenced through childhood experiences, it's simply part of being human. Overall, you should just express yourself more, and if you ever feel shy remember, in about 60 years no one will care whether you sounded like a dork talking to them or something, they'll be dead! So speak up! :D

i can totally identify with what you've said here, i am the same way, i can "play social" pretty good now.. but i really don't like to and avoid it whenever possible.. .i don't like being in crowds i'd much rather be one on one with people, or at least with a small group that i'm comfortable with...