I Almost Get It

Solitude is very enjoyable to me. I prefer to be alone. When I want to enjoy the company of great people, I have longtime chosen friends and family members who don't always understand me but know and love me.

I was once accustomed to, yet afraid of, rejection and loneliness. Eventually, I found myself in a relationship with some one whose actions did not depend on others' feelings or reactions. I repeatedly allowed myself to feel pain as a response to his actions. Whenever I confronted him his response was that I was too weak. This hurt me even more. I thought he was a monster. I still think he is unkind but today I appreciate that experience. He was honest and others in my past didn't respect me enough or didn't know what to say. I now understand that I can't expect anything from others. I now provide my own source of strength and inspiration.

Intellectually, I understand that sometimes people don't mean to hurt you and I don't take it personally even if they do. I understand that I even unknowingly and knowingly cause others pain. I know that no matter what I or anyone else does it is still up to the individual to determine their experience. Understanding this has helped me to create a balance (which I like) that allows me to help or give to others without expecting anything in return, without expecting them to change, and without hurting myself.

The only problem is that there are still times when the pain comes and the only way I know how to deal with it is by becoming angry instead of hurt. The anger isn't logical and I can't explain it. It has gotten to the point where I don't even feel like myself sometimes. I also don't worry about other people too much for the same reasons described earlier. Maybe this is the way I should have always been. Having experienced being both victimizer and victim I don't know which is worse. Oh well. This is life, right? Or am I missing something here?

kindnessnlove kindnessnlove
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 6, 2010

You know what? I get it too, as long as your not staying indoors on ur own all the time, solitude is a good thing<br />
<br />

no you're not missing anything. you're not the only person who feels this way.<br />
actually you just might get over these feelings of antisocial doubt. be not afraid, it's a great feeling. you'll get there someday.