Under A Fluffy Cloud Of Nothingness
Apathy has kept me safe and comfortable like a cold blanket my whole life. Sometimes I think that I just don't have the capacity to feel emotions, but in reality it is that I just never learned how. I shut myself down to survive a rough childhood, I never learned a whole set of skills that would have prepared me for the real world. I had an extremely emotional alcoholic mother and an extremely distant drug addicted father, I never had an example of middle ground in my life. Only now am I just starting to learn how to feel, and it usually comes out as frustration. Frustration, anger, and fear I believe are easiest emotions to feel. Empathy and compassion take more work. I'm not a miserable person. In fact, I'm pretty content, and I would not mind finishing off my days as a non feeler. Except that my chronic apathy is getting in the way of my life goals. I don't deserve my fiance, who has shown so much patience and compassion without anything in return. I don't make friends, only acquaintances... it's hard for me to connect with people because we only have trivial things in common. Trying to make friends is a waste of my time and theirs, so I don't try. I am just a brain and a body and don't fit into this world.