Under A Fluffy Cloud Of Nothingness

Apathy has kept me safe and comfortable like a cold blanket my whole life. Sometimes I think that I just don't have the capacity to feel emotions, but in reality it is that I just never learned how. I shut myself down to survive a rough childhood, I never learned a whole set of skills that would have prepared me for the real world. I had an extremely emotional alcoholic mother and an extremely distant drug addicted father, I never had an example of middle ground in my life. Only now am I just starting to learn how to feel, and it usually comes out as frustration. Frustration, anger, and fear I believe are easiest emotions to feel. Empathy and compassion take more work. I'm not a miserable person. In fact, I'm pretty content, and I would not mind finishing off my days as a non feeler. Except that my chronic apathy is getting in the way of my life goals. I don't deserve my fiance, who has shown so much patience and compassion without anything in return. I don't make friends, only acquaintances... it's hard for me to connect with people because we only have trivial things in common. Trying to make friends is a waste of my time and theirs, so I don't try. I am just a brain and a body and don't fit into this world.
EpoxyMonoxide EpoxyMonoxide
26-30, F
3 Responses Nov 15, 2011

My boyfriend sounds very similar to you and I am trying to understand his apathy better. We have a great relationship and he is thoughtful (will bring me surprises, etc), but we're running into issues when I try to communicate to him that I'm having a bad day. If I tell him somebody said something mean to me and hurt my feelings his response will be "oh well" or "you'll have that". He doesn't care when I'm upset. He cares about me, but not my feelings. Have you run into this issue with your fiance?

i understand, those childhood traumas etc etc affect our current and present way of life. If you want, therapy is available. (make sure and get an educated and loving therapist, if you choose to go in that direction...research). Therapy really does work. I chose therapy and worked really hard at it because I just didnt want to feel those bad feelings anymore when I knew that I could replace those bad feelings with truth and health. So anyway, good luck. I am so glad you have your fiance!! Congrats on all your success so far

Given that you recognise your fiancee's patience and compassion and your determination that you don't deserve him and the fact that you even have a fiancee suggests that your emotions are present. It seems unlikely to me that you existed in a relationship with no feelings and consented to marriage without feelings etc. <br />
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It may be that you psychologically partition your feelings. They are there and they motivate you but just aren't prominent in your awareness. Given the emotional excesses of your parents you might be afraid to acknowledge your feeling for fear that you won't be able to control them. <br />
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I don't understand the friend thing either. There are all kinds of folk in the world, you will likely share interests with many of them. In my experience, sharing things like an approximately similar morality and general worldview is more important than the particular interests or hobbies you might share. On the hobbies/interests front too though, there are bound to be some topics or subjects that you find interesting. No matter what your interest, there will be loads of people who share it. Admittedly though, with more esoteric interests they are not always local to you. <br />
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It sounds like you are being overly harsh on yourself. You have as much right to this world as anyone else. There is no correct way of being. There will be people in the world who are just like you. The further you go from the mainstream the harder they are to find but they are there none-the-less.