I Am A Heathen, But I'm Very Confused.
I am a 25 year old man that lives in the USA and has a primarily Celtic//Germanic ancestory. I have one ancestor that I know of that is Native American. However, to my knowledge everyone of my other ancestors are Northern European.I was raised Christian. My dad was a preacher when I was growing up. I became Catholic when I was 18. I ended up flip flopping from Christianity to Agnosticism//Atheism for about seven years after my conversion to Catholicism. I finally decided that I could no longer be a Christian anymore. My girlfriend shared her beliefs with me. She is not religious but she believes in fate. She believes everything happens for a reason, and she believes there is some sort of loving higher power. She does not have need specifics to be happy. I took comfort in what she believes, but after a few weeks I felt like something was missing. I started researching neo pagan paths. I found Asatru and I got excited. I felt like I had found the perfect religion for me. I said a prayer in my own words dedicating myself to the gods. I then ended up reading that I could not possibly go to see Odin when i died if I did not die in combat as an honorable warrior. That really bummed me out. I then lost faith (even though I have been told that faith isn't an Asatru concept). I felt like I wanted to find another neo pagan path. I could not find anything, and nothing felt right but Asatru. I prayed again to the gods and apologized and rededicated myself to them. I then ended up remembering that I had read that not only murderers but oathbreakers also went to the special place of punishment in Hel when they died. I thought about how I broke my dedication when I turned away from Asatru the first time. I then was afraid that I am now permanently considered an oathbreaker and that it doesn't matter what I do because when I die i'm going to be doomed and I might as well have never attempted to believe in anything at all. This has been bugging me for a maybe two weeks but it feels like this fear has made the weeks seem longer. I have googled so much trying to find information on what exactly an oathbreaker is in regards to going to the place of punishment in Hel. I do realize that Hel is said to be mostly made up of a peaceful group of people with their ancestors. I can find nothing on google or youtube about what an oathbreaker actually is. I read on one forum where a Heathen had written that if you your word is worthless than you are worthless. That made me have a short period just now tonight where I felt like I hated Asatru and everything that related to it. I now feel guilty for feeling that way. Does anyone know what makes someone an oathbreaker? It seems so strange and foreign to me that someone who breaks an oath (as I understand it) is equated with a murderer who takes innocent life. I have not read hardly any of the Eddas or any of the other lore. I just know that what I love everything I know about Asatru. The only thing that is really stressing me is this new concept of the severity of oathbreaking and how hardly anyone on the internet has written about being confused by this. I hope someone will respond, because I want to continue on my path as a Heathen, but I am distraught. Please help me. I hope someone will comment who can give me some advice. I don't feel like any other path than Asatru is right for me, but i'm not at peace.