Intimacy Without Sex?

 I am female. I am not biologically asexual, but I am at heart. I liked the way people were when we were little. All my friends were guys, and we had so much fun all the time. We all knew what sex was and so forth, but we all considered it a stupid thing that decent people didn't even talk about. Then we got older and things started to change. The first sign that things were getting screwed up (pun intended) was that I wasn't alowed to have sleepovers with my guy friends anymore. Teen years: guys got weird. Little by little I discovered that we couldn't be friends like we used to be, and it was heart breaking.

The older I got and the more I discovered the way people reguard sex, the more I dissliked it. Damnit all, sex takes the joy out of everything! All my best friends used to be guys, but now if you don't want to screw around then you're useless to them, and even if there is a guy who isn't like that I still can't get close to him because of some kind of damn sexual barriers. When we were little we did everything for the joy of it, for the wonder of it, for the sheer thrill of life. Now everyone thinks sex is the reason for life. It's all very depressing and heartbreaking, which is why I avoid thinking about that kind of thing. Sex is no cause for celebration to me, yet I'm not biologically an asexual. Just at heart. I think I might start telling people I am asexual, since I find that to be a nobler state of mind.

The biggest problem for me is that I'm a really intimate person. I crave to have some kind of intimate relationship, and I love to touch. If it was a guy he wouldn't have to be asexual, but it sure wouldn't hurt. He would just need to be intimate. I love cuddles. And (dear God, please) could he just not be so obsessed with sex?


If it was a girl then it just wouldn't be a sexual relationship. I've had an intimate relationship with a female and I loved it. I could be happy with that, though I'm certain everyone would call us lesbians. I've gotten over that.

I'm not asexual, but I find sex to be petty and degrading (MOST of the time) and certainly not worth living for. Yet I crave intimacy.

World, is there anyone else like me?
Fireclaw Fireclaw
22-25, F
27 Responses Jun 15, 2010

I am like this much of the time.

This is the kind of relationship i want! I'm think the term demi-sexual describes me because i am defiantly sexual but not too keen with sex. At-least not until i get to know someone very well.

I feel the same thing sorta. I consider myself asexual. I am not by any means sexually attracted to anyone. I don't really even understand why so many people see sex as this amazing thing. I am attracted to guys just not sexually. I crave love and affection, and that's it.

me and a guy friend of mine used to be really close! we would sleep and cuddle together all the time without having sex! but one day we let our hormones take over and we ended up screwing around, I still wanted the same friendship we had before but he started feeling awkward around me =( sex ruined our friendship!!!!

I feel so much like you, girlie! I am a hetero-romantic asexual, i think. I love loving people, but i find sex stuff pretty much repulsive. It seems to tear people apart far more than truly bring people together.
Although I thought for a long time that this would mean I would never marry, since learning about asexuality I have read posts from people online who seem to feel the same way (romantically asexual)! I really do believe I may find someone someday :) and you can, too! :D

I don't necessarily have an strong aversion to sex per say, (I can tolerate it with my beloved because he is very caring) but I'd prefer a world without, I agree with the reasons behind what you are expressing. I too, am not necessarily biologically asexual (I have magnetism) but I feel the same as you. Just think, a world without rapists, pedophiles, and the sex trade. Sounds wonderful.

Thanks for your response, I really appreciate and am encouraged by being able to read about other people's lives and perspectives.

I am 100% asexual, but I love intimacy, I love cuddles and kisses and touching and walks on the beach hand in hand.. I just don't get sexually aroused or enjoy sex (actually, I hate sex: I find it boring at best and very painful at worst).
I think that many asexuals feel this way about intimacy and romance. I identify as bi-romantic asexual (capable of romance with men and women, as long as it remains completely sexless), there are also homo-romantic asexuals, hetero-romantic asexuals, and a-romantic asexuals (this means they do not crave any form of romance or intimacy)

I understanding what you are saying! I however have an aversion to holding hands with anyone other than someone that I am 'in love' with. I don't cuddle my mum or my siblings and would never hold hands with sisters or friends (I actually choose not to have 'real life' friends so as to avoid physical contact with others) and my siblings/parents and I don't say 'I love you' or anything like that. so for me 'intimacy' is something I would only do with someone I love - if that person ever comes along!

I do hold my daughters hands and cuddle them and tell them I love them of course, because that is a necessary part of parenthood, but it is for their benefit not mine - to me that is not 'intimacy', that is just good parenting =) =)

you are very lucky to be able to feel this way about your family!! I could never be like that with my siblings or parents :(
however in saying that I actually believe close family relationships are very important which is why I cuddle and kiss my daughters and tell them I love them multiple times every day and encourage them to be friends with each other, rather than enemies as I always was with my siblings.
I carried both girls in a baby wrap against my chest until at least 5 months, rather than putting them down to sleep when I have to do housework, and we all co-sleep together (I have co-slept with both girls since they were newborn).
My girls (1 year and 2.5 years) have advanced motor skills for their ages and my 2.5 year old has the vocabulary of a 4 year old: she tells her baby sister she loves her every day and both girls cuddle and hold hands and give each other kisses - very cute!
I really believe that strong attachment bonding is crucial to childrens development - especially in the very early years - and this has been proven time and time again when everybody else is constantly remarking on how healthy my girls are (no ear infections, no allergies, no flues etc etc), how well they communicate and interact with other children and adults and how well-behaved they both are (as well as having highly developed empathy towards others).
I am a solo-parent who works from home (so no day-care required!) and I have implemented no techniques to control or dictate behavior, only provided a loving, caring, close family environment.
So, even though I would never do that with my mum, hopefully my girls and I can still cuddle on the couch when I am 70 and they are 50!!
I think I was always missing that family bond because when I was younger I always wished that I could have a twin who I could b e as close with as you with your twin =)
Thanks for sharing!

of course this is exactly how i feel

also times we would have 'outercourse' were pretty wonderful too

i was with a woman who was similar Course there were plenty of nights i wished it was more than just snuggling lol but i loved her and it was worth waiting for those occasional nights when shed let me. mostly thoigh, she loved affection and attention, which i happily gave her, just that being in her thighs wasnt sometjing she could have most of the time In a way i feel like it made me even more attemtive to her, knowing id be staying wanting her for long periods :)

I understand how you feel and what you're saying. I am not totally asexual, but about 50% of the time, I feel asexual and don't want anything to do with sex or intimacy. And the other 50% of the time, I want intimacy, but not necessarily sex. I've never had sex before and before that used to bother me, but I have come to terms with it because I haven't found anyone I want to get intimate with. I have dated and met a lot of great guys, but no one I want to do anything with or even kiss. Some of my friends that I am close to and talk to about this don't understand, so it's nice to find people who get where I am coming from.

I agree %1000 I'm soo tired of being hit on by guys or called sexy or hott. It's degrading now. It's not a compliment anymore :( Whats worse... It took me long enough to figure out that I just %100 cant stand sex that I fell for a guy that I know will never be able to give it up... And now it just feels like I'm not good enough to be with unless I'm willing to mess around...

compromise and just make him wait more Let him know it makes it nicer for u both when its a longer time between

I was in relationship like that for 5 years. He would say I didnt love him and thought he was ugly when I pleaded with him not to make me have sex. He would always make me feel like I was the bad guy for not 'compromising' and giving him sex; sadly I didn't realize till after I left the relationship that I had been the only one compromising; giving him sex almost every day and on the days I didn't give it to him he would be angry and depressed. Then he started being angry and depressed because he could tell I wasn't ENJOYING it, even though I was still giving it too him. I wish I had known about asexuality then, if I had I would have left him much earlier but for the entire relationship I just thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a terrible girlfriend - it wasn't till I fell pregnant for a second time, despite precautions, that I knew I had to leave him, which turned out to be the best thing I have ever done in my life!!

Yeah that EXACTLY sums up my thoughts.

I am the same way as you, just a guy.

I can totally relate. I had a friend who was only 4 months older than me. We grew up knowing each other and playing together since we were babies. Later on though, people misunderstood our friendship and thought she was my "girlfriend". She just was my best friend who happened to be a girl. When she was engaged to a guy who I knew was dangerous, I even tried to ask her to marry me instead. It was a really stupid thing to do especially since it wasn't even in that sort of way I loved her, but to me she was like a sister and even to this day I would do anything within my power to help her. I still want the old days back when we were kids and were allowed to be friends.

amazing to see so many people on the same page. and many of theses being recent posts. not some forgotten website from and for the girl who wrote this. the only way i have been able to deal with my asexuality is through complete solitary. you cant date and have boyfriends and girlfriends because they wont understand. i have even stopped having friends because you cant identify with these people. i work and go home. im just gonna sit and watch while these people die off. dont really seeing it ending with their constant breeding rituals....but lets just hope our percent keeps rising.

I can definitely relate to that feeling of sex "ruining" things. For me it ruins stories, morals, innocence, friendships, relationships. For me, the ideal relationship is one without sex, or at least one in which sex has very little importance. I can also relate to how depressing it feels when people bring it up all the time and tout it as the ultimate thing in life, and you feel like grabbing them and showing them that there is so much more to life, to people... Well, I can relate to pretty much this entire story! It feels as if I had written it! I never thought anyone else thought like this! I really wish I had found this story back in 2010 when it was written.

I like your thoughts. I too am 'fully functional' yet I Never fantasize about intercourse, as there are plenty of other sex-y desires to think about, yet i still crave an intimate partner.<br />
<br />
I feel that it is quite Hot Not to have penetration when both are turned-on & in close contact with each other. I certainly dont mind the ache that I / males get from lack of ***********, as i view this as a souvenir of previous arousal with partner. The longer time of being left horny is worth more to me than the terminating ******. I wonder how much of this is due to being un-willingly c'cised - which greatly reduces sensitivity to the point where '******' is really only *********** with a short escapism 'seizure' !?, and that penetration is too smooth to feel. Erogenous areas are minimised by c'cision, so when solo, i have to use the mind to compensate for nerve-loss with non-intercourse ideas & desires. i think that i'd like an intimate partner that was comfortable with skipping intercource, as there would be no need pretending that ****** is all that it is cracked-up to be. Are there any females in <br />
Sydney AU ?

The term "platonic friendship" is popular, but I'm not sure if people understand it. When he talked about friendship, Plato did not (necessarily) mean friends were not sexually attracted. But he did think they shouldn't engage in sex. Plato knew people could have deep emotions for each other and desire for union. He thought sex was one way of acting out these emotions and the longing for union. However, he believed it was nobler to find intellectual union of souls. (And that same-sex friends should certainly never have sexual acts"Only touch him as you would your son.") Platonic friendship is strong emotion with no sexual acts. Opposite of "Firends with benefits" where there's sexual acts but no love. Basically Plato thought, even if there were strong emotions of love, the friends are better off with a spiritual than a physical union.

I know exactly what you mean. The friend who did more for me than anyone else, is a guy. My guy friend said one of his friends told him "to take advantage of you." <br />
He never would do anything like that to me.<br />
Other people misunderstood our relationship. He never wanted me to be hurt, but he ended up being hurt. He is one of the worlds most extraordinary people.

Hey there, your comment made me happy. :) It's always good to find that rare jewel who shares an understanding. If only people like us could find each other offline. Best of luck to you, friend.

@myshiba I know exactly where you're coming from, except my sexual needs cannot be fulfilled any other way. Only temporarily - then I start going slightly mad. <br />
@Fireclaw I know you are not alone in what you feel, but I must say that sex becomes more intimate with time and practise. You learn to feel what the other is feeling, respond with exactly what you know they will want, especially if that is to slow down or stop. The desire is overpowering for most of us males of the species, but there are plenty of girls out there feeling this way, as @eugenius hints at, before they've orgasmed. That may sound slightly degrading/nasty/disgusting, but I'm honestly telling the truth. Learn to breathe, and take the plunge would be my advice to you :-)<br />
<br />
BW's<br />

Haha, I appreciate the sentement, but no amount of pleasure that people recieve from the act could ever make me want to do it. That is really quite far from the point.

Have you ever had an actual ******?

I agree with you so much...there's nothing much I can add really, apart from "yes! I know!"<br />
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Especially this part: <br />
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When we were little we did everything for the joy of it, for the wonder of it, for the sheer thrill of life. Now everyone thinks sex is the reason for life. It's all very depressing and heartbreaking, which is why I avoid thinking about that kind of thing. Sex is no cause for celebration to me, yet I'm not biologically an asexual. Just at heart. I think I might start telling people I am asexual, since I find that to be a nobler state of mind.<br />
<br />
I crave an intimate relationship, without the undertones of sex. Reading things like this make me want to be a kid again, where things weren't so complicated.

anybody? can have sex. True intimacy is rare indeed but probably difficult for most if it doesn't envolve sex at some point. But as a lonely single guy....I really miss the intimacy....all the rest except the sex. I guess needed sexual release can come in different ways....and it would be nice to be "intimate" without sexual.......better quit while I'm ahead....gets complex.......I suffer more from lack of touch than lack of sex.

Wow! I definitely agree that I would love to meet a girl like you that loves to be physically affectionate. There is a book that is called "The Five Love Languages" by Florence Littauer. And in that book, it describes how everyone is different in what they need intimately. For some, it is words of affirmation. For others, it is physical touch and so on.<br />
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I am one of those people who need and crave physical hug, cuddle, touch, hold each other...I long for that so badly. You have a different attitude than any other girls I've met, and I agree to a point. I do think that sex has been twisted around and that it is nearly impossible to be intimate in that way without being romantically/sexually involved with each other.<br />
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You may not like this, but I want to find someone like you that also really desires to have the sexual part, too. It can be a beautiful thing, and I very much want to share that with a woman. I want to be desired and longed for romantically, as well as the non-sexual aspects, too. <br />
I hope you are able to find what you're looking for :)

Jonofamber: Good to hear a bit from someone with some years on them. I appreciate your encouragement. I will gladly tell you if I find the answer to these questions, but until then I'll continue trying so hard to figure out a way.

Jicragg: I appreciate the comments. By not "biologically asexual" I mean that physically I'm what people would call "normal". It's only my heart (or my thoughts, opinions, and ideals) that are different.