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A Request From The Other Side



I respect the rights of all asexual people not to have sex as it is not part of their make up and they do not desire it.

But if you are asexual, I would ask you to think VERY carefully about becoming involved in any relationship with a person who IS sexual.   The outcome of these relationships is extremely distressing for one (or both) sides and makes for unhappiness and lack of a satisfactory relationship for both.  It may also impact on any children you may have . . . .

If you are not sure what I'm talking about, I encourage you to read stories and forum posts in "I live in a sexless marriage".   The majority of posters there are sexual people whose partners do not want sex - for a variety of reasons.   You will find it sad reading, but it may help you to understand my request.

I encourage you to be open and honest with prospective partners about your asexuality.  I do realise that, as asexuals are in the minority in the community, that you may find yourself with limited partner options.  But I can assure you that, if you become involved in a relationship with a sexual person, your incompatibilities will eventually destroy your relationship.

I wish everyone a happy, healthy and rewarding life - a life that is lived on your own terms and without compromise.  And relationships that are satisfactory and fulfilling to BOTH partners.
enna30 enna30 56-60, F 40 Responses Jul 6, 2010

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I agree i'm hetero romantic and when I was younger I made the mistake of dating because I liked feeling like someone cared about me. I eventually got over the idea of having a guy who wanted to love me without having sex with me so I stopped dating all together. Breaking up gets old when you know it's going to happen.

I understand completely that it'd be horrible to have a relationship where you don't want sex and the other does.
My options for finding love are very limited. Which is why I've accepted that I may be alone for life. It doesn't mean I won't search for non-sexual romance but it's better that I'm alone rather than making someone I love miserable.

What a wise and compassionate person you are. I hope you can find someone to love who loves you in exactly the way that s right for you.

I am in one of those marriages. We are both 44yo and married 13years. We have been struggling with my desire and his lack of since we were engaged. Since we'd had lots of good sex prior to the engagement we figured it was temporary. Every now and then he would just say "I'm a eunich" or "I'm asexual". I thought it was a psychological issue that could be "worked out"--that by simply being human we are all sexual beings. He has mother issues that I thought may have been part of the "problem". Twenty years ago when he would have been trying to figure this out, this was not identified yet (except as an illness in the DSM) and frankly, as a man, he wasn't really trying to figure it out (especially since he had no problem with it!) A few days ago I found the AVEN website and I am so relieved!! He is normal---just on a different end of the spectrum than I am. Now we don't have to fight it any more. No more blue pills, **** or therapy. This is just who my husband is. Of course back to the issue mentioned in this story. The ultimate issue has not changed. I am miserable for lack of intimacy and he feels so bad about it. Please be sure of who you are before you marry or commit. This is heartache for both of us. Enna is right--we ALL deserve to be happy whatever our sexual orientation (or not).

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. If you have not already done so, I suggest you read the stories on EP in the forum "I live in a sexless marriage". I think it might help you to feel better about your situation - and possibly give you insights into how to go forward.

An issue that needs more attention, and generally gets lost in the crowd.

I see someone bumped this on my feed. Worth another bump even.

People whom are physically or emotionally ill usually may have a slow or non existent sex drive. There a number of reasons for this, past experience, hormonal changes, arthritis issues and the list go on. Be sure of course the one you are with doesn't have any issues then again can develop them as they age too. Somehow we find ourselves rolling with the punches.

I was never asexual until i married Her

huh?

Laf, have you checked out the "I live in a sexless marriage" forum here on EP?

That's very good advice. I would suppose that often people don't consider the effect on others that their actions will have. Of course, you can't begin a friendship by stating availability but it does require discussion. Unfortunately there ar people who assume a sexual motive is the driving force in all interactions between a man and woman.

I think your comment was very kind and spot-on , enna30. Having such differing desire levels can potentially destroy a relationship. In my case, I didn't find out about my husband's "possible" asexuality until only 1-2years ago; after a 19 year marriage. I kept thinking maybe I did something wrong, or that I was crazy for wanting something he did not. It is a lonely place for a sexual person to be with an asexual person, because that ultimate degree of intimacy between partners is absent.
I certainly respect this lifestyle choice, if that is what it is, but it is not my subscription. I, like the previous post, hope that those of whom make this choice inform their prospective partner of this to avoid heartbreak for either person.
I wish everyone well.

dkrn, beautifully said! You describe EXACTLY how it feels to be a "sex person" living with a "non-sex person".

In the interest of better understanding, two points:

Point one: For a sexual person, sex is the "ultimate degree of intimacy." For an asexual person, it's anything but that. It's a fairly boring bodily function like sneezing or going to the bathroom. That is the crux of the problem. If sex were no more than an uninteresting bodily function to you, with no pleasure reward, how motivated would you be to do it? Not very, I'd warrant.

Point two: Asexuality is not a "lifestyle choice." Who in their right mind would *choose* to live their life that way? Asexuality is a hard-wired orientation that cannot be changed, no matter how much we might wish it. Just as attempts to "convert" homosexual people into heterosexuals have failed, so attempts to change an asexual person into a sexual one, or vice versa, are doomed to failure. (Although I am given to understand there are drugs that can knock out a person's libido. In fact, sexual criminals have won parole for themselves by agreeing to "chemical castration" that squelches their desire to have sex. But that's not exactly the same as a permanent conversion to asexuality.)

While I can understand your distress and wanting to spare other people the pain, I don't think that telling asexual people to not be in relationships with sexual people is entirely correct. I have been with my husband for 4 years and we have never had problems. I am asexual, but I am okay with having sex. <br />
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But sex is only one part of our relationship, and I don't feel that it is fair to say that just because of one thing two people can't be together. Also, I don't think that most people in sexless relationships are in sexless relationships because one partner is asexual, especially since asexual people are a very small minority and the number of virtually sexless marriages seems moderately large.

this person shouldn't have even posted in this group given how they feel about "outsiders" coming into the sexless marriage group. they don't want any advice from those that aren't sexless so they shouldn't offer advice to those that are asexual. hypocrites.

After looking at your profile, Cancergirl, I can see that you are entirely negative about everything. does this not get tiring? Perhaps you could start by looking at just ONE thing each day in a positive way? Maybe you could actuaslly end up HAPPY!! Who knows . . . ?!!

darlin, i am happy so you needn't worry your little head about that. but you know my previous comment is true; you and your sexless cohorts don't appreciate hearing from so called outsiders and tend to get very vicious when you do so it is hypocritical for you to offer advice to people in this group. if you're not asexual you shouldn't be here anymore than you'd want them in the sexless marriage group.

Enna hit the nail right on the head when she pointed out your negativity. It isn't that we wouldn't want you in an exclusive group. You would be welcome in any group that you want to take the time and energy to contribute to, in my opinion. Let's talk!
But the point is not that we wouldn't want you in our sexless marriage group, we just wouldn't want you in our sexless marriage. To many "asexual" partners seemed to be quite sexual when dating. They manage to be very sexual as a means to get something they want. Then they realize they are asexual. Actually, that type of "asexual" is just a crock of sh1t.

Well said, WG! I would add that negative people, sexual or otherwise, make very poor partners.

fr your information, i'm not asexual and i've been in a sexual relationship for years now. call me whatever you like but people like enna do get pretty hostile when so called outsiders invade the sexless marriage group but think it's ok to offer advice, the advice that they don't want from anyone else. hypocrites.

my man is very happy with me as his partner, in every way. how about yours? or do you have one?

You obviously know NOTHING about me. I am not "hostile" to anyone except naysayers who criticise or abuse others without knowledge of the topic.. And if you want to know my story, read about me.

In fact, read widely on the ILIASM forum. It will help to educate you.

i've seen some comments you've made to others in the past, you and other sexless people, and that's all i need to know about you. and since i'm not in a sexless marriage/relationship, i have no interest in that particular forum. my sex life is just fine and always has been.

I am asexual and I've gotten that comment before from people: that I looked very sexual when we started dating. I don't know what that means. Because I'm not having sexual thoughts and am not seeking sex, I literally don't see the 'signals' that people are always talking about. If not explicitly told, sometimes I will miss flirting entirely. It's not that asexual people are trying to look sexual to lure you (at least not most of us); it's more that we don't know that we're sending 'signals' in the first place. Let me know if this is not clear.

Also, being asexual does not mean a person is "sexless." There are what we call sex-positive asexuals who do not find sex completely aversive. Some of these people will even engage in sex to satisfy their partner. It is something that needs to be discussed by both people in a relationship so that everyone's needs are met.

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I never pretended to be anything other than what I am to any of my former boyfriends, including the boyfriend who ended up being my husband for considerably more than two decades. He knew I didn't care about sex and got no pleasure out of it, other than the pleasure of making him happy. I never thought about sex, and he knew that about me. He was crazy about me and didn't want to think about life away from me. He loved me, I loved him, and so we got married and eventually had two beautiful children. At some point he became resentful that I had no sex drive, even though I would have sex whenever he asked me. In other words, it was he who changed his sexual ex<x>pression without any prior warning, not me.<br />
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I really resent the implication that I would ever let someone MARRY me without his being crystal clear about my sexual nature, or rather my lack of a sexual nature. I believed my future husband when he said he could never be happy with any woman except me, exactly as I was. Also, we were happy together for quite a long time. Then he got this idea that he wanted me to WANT to have sex on my own behalf, not just have sex to please him. I thought, wtf? Did I not explain from the beginning that I have no sex drive, and that all the doctors I've seen about this issue say that having no libido is perfectly normal and far more common than people suppose?<br />
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A person with no sex drive can certainly have sex, and I did that regularly out of love. But can I manufacture a sex drive that doesn't exist? No. In other words, i can change my behavior to work with someone's sexual needs, but I can't change the way I feel...I can't change who I am.

Absolutely spot on, Laiva!!

"I really resent the implication that I would ever let someone MARRY me without his being crystal clear about my sexual nature, or rather my lack of a sexual nature."

First rule of internet forums - DO NOT personalise the information UNLESS it is specifically directed at you! If you were very clear to your husband about what he might expect then you are NOT in the category discussed in this story.

This is sort of how things are between my Wife and I. She does, indeed, have a desire and need for physical intimacy but mine seems so much stronger. She is THE most beautiful and sensual woman when she is "in the mood" but many other times I get rejected. Thanks because your words remind me that we are different people. We are very much in love after 16 years of Marriage but we are individuals

Sea, you make some very good points. I just want to add that I came from the "I live in a sexless marriage" forum, where I (and almost all other contributors) ar or were living with spouses who were either asexual or low libido.<br />
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The issue in these marriages is that the asexual or low libido spouse did NOT tell the other person - there was no communication. And for this reason, the spouse with sexual desires discovered him/herself cut off from sexual ex<x>pression without any prior warning. IMO, that constitutes fraud. Marriage as an institution has at its ba<x>se, "legalised sex". <br />
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If a person recognises that she/he is asexual, it is not right to become involved with a sexual person without making a full and fair disclosure. As you say, communication is vital.<br />
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as for your parents, please tell them. They are no doubt wondering already about your situation. They may have no idea that you are asexual, but (as a parent) I can assure you that they will be concerned about your apparent lack of sexual involvement.

The thing with us is...I am the first-long-term relationship my wife had. She didn't know that she's close to entirely asexual, and neither did I. I seemed to be making her happy sexually at first, too, if she'd turned me down I would have figured we were not compatible and moved on.

I find the non-asexual side of a sexless relationship interesting, however I found it very heard to keep reading. I myself am an asexual. I just started telling my friends about it, but I haven't told my parents because I'm not sure if that is information that is needed to be shared with my parents. Anyways, reading how sexually active people are having trouble with a sexless relationship has REALLY started to annoy me. Everyone does have a voice and I understand that if you are in a sexless relationship that it hurts people. But does no one stop and think how hard the asexuals struggle with relationships? It's difficult on both parts. No one should pretend to be something they are not, that is just unhealthy. I think that personally if you are sexually active and are fully aware that your partner is asexual, then you and your asexual partner should either come to a compromise where you both can find happiness in the relationship, or maybe you shouldn't be together. It's so much easier for you to get out of that relationship and find a partner who is sexual. For us asexuals, it's not that easy. I don't know if you've noticed, but asexuality isn't THAT common. I feel as though I have two options in life. Either I have sex with my future partner even though I really don't want that, or I can bare the chances of probably ending up alone. I'm not trying to say that the sexual side is easy, because I have read your stories and I really wish that all of you find what you are looking for. But all I'm trying to say is, talk to your partner about your feelings and about what you want. Asexual or not, it isn't easy dating someone of even being married to someone who wants different things then you. Take it from someone who has been there.

wow now i understand what happend in my marriage i couldnt understand why my wife never wanted sex and was so cold never made no advances 14 years i was very unhappy we are apart but not divoiced . is it ok to divoice.will god forgive me..?

I like intimacy.<br />
I NEED intimacy.<br />
Sex is good (sometimes a whole lot of other things too but ... :) ) But I don't really walk around thinking about sex. I think about intimacy though. For me intimacy leads to sex.<br />
Can people be intimate but still asexual? I guess so because there are all kinds of people but at what point does intimact turn into sex? Or foreplay for that matter? <br />
When people say that they LIASM I get that they are not getting sex but if we start from the beginning is it mostly an intimacy issue?

Thank you enna!

So true. I just had to tell my partner of 11 months - I tried, I really tried to get into things, but it just doesn't happen. He is utterly devastated. I have to be 100% honest and unashamed about this from this moment on. x

I agree Enna. I don't bother getting in a relationship, I avoid it!! :)

I think I may be in a similar situation to Enna30, and would be grateful for any opinions on whether my husband may be asexual. (Apologies - I appreciate that there is a significant crossover with the "I live in a sexless marriage" group.) Anyway, here goes...<br />
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When we first got together, there was what I consider to be a "normal" level of intimacy, much of which he would instigate. However this feels like a distant memory now. So much so that we have separated.<br />
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In the last few years, he has just completely lost interest in being intimate with me. However he must still have some desires, as he waits till I go out to pleasure himself while looking at internet sites.<br />
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He has given me an array of reasons for not wanting to be intimate. One of his more recent ones was that he just didn't have any interest in it - he had simply "run out" of desire. He has also given me the following reasons:<br />
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I was too fat (UK size 10 at the time, dropped to a 6 but made no difference)<br />
I didn't dress well (started to wear the clothes he wanted but made no difference)<br />
He thought I might have an STI (I went for a check and it turned out I didn't)<br />
He had stuff on his mind<br />
His job wasn't going well<br />
I was working too many hours (I reduced them - it made no difference)<br />
I was unattractive, both in appearance and behaviour (for "behaviour" read "crying when upset" - in my mind a normal human reaction)<br />
He doesn't like the way I eat<br />
He's too full<br />
It's "dirty"<br />
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He insists that he loves me, and we have tried counselling but it has not worked. Has he evolved into an asexual person? He says that when he was younger he was very active that way, but now there is nothing. I have now accepted that we are incompatible, and that I must also walk away from this unhappy marriage. However it would be good just to get some answers, and if he is asexual then at least I could finally satisfy myself that this isn't all down to what a repulsive individual I must be.

Don't assume that people who have stopped having sex are asexual. Some people simply lose their desire for it. My friend was a sex crazed maniac before he got married but now he tells me that he couldn't possibly care less about sex and doesn't really want it. He says he still does it only to make his wife happy.

May I suggest Confused that you read a lot of the stories in "I Live in a Sexless Marriage". Sadly, very VERY few people who are not interested in sex ever develop an interest . . . . <br />
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I suspect the kindest thing you can do for BOTH of you is to end your marriage. That sounds harsh, but in fact it is the ONLY way to avoid a world of hurt - for him AND for yourself. {{{Hugs}}}

Traveller Thinker,<br />
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Your right, he is under no obligation at all and he shouldn't have to beg.<br />
I understand that completely. But as a Married person I do think he is "Obligated" to at least hear me and try to understand where Im coming from.<br />
I didnt say that I was an "ASEXUAL" I said that I think that I may be and that I am looking for any help or understanding from this site to help me better understand and gather info for my research into this.<br />
As stated in one of my previous comments, I am going through therapy and since that last comment I am discussing this with my therapist.<br />
I have also asked my husband to be open to the thought that I may be "ASEXUAL".<br />
He wont even look up what it means and still thinks that "I have a problem" He is not willing to even try to understand.<br />
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On the other hand, I have done everything possible that I can think of and that he has asked me to do to figure out if I really do have a problem or if this is just "NORMAL" for me.<br />
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I am trying to hold onto my marriage..

Thank you for your comments on this issue. " sendittome" -thank you for your insight from the other side "so to speak". You sound frustrated and much like my husband. I am sorry for that. I guess its difficult for a sexual person to see from an ASEXUAL point of view and also difficult from my point of view as well.<br />
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"enna30"- Thank you also for that insight. I am in the middle of Therapy for my marriage (not for the sexual issues though) I will have to seek out and researce more before I try that avenue.<br />
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My husband is very frustrated and I do feel for him and what he is going through. I know that he doesnt understand how I feel. He has tried everything he can to impress me. Dinners out, jewellery, gifts, massages,etc,etc... Every time he attempts something I put my wall up higher because I dont know how to deal with rejecting him again.<br />
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I know that he wont be able to last much longer without it. I just dont see how I can do this without feeling like Im doing something against my will and have him understand how I am feeling...<br />
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confused...

Confused, I advise you to sek counselliung with a counsellor (preferably a psychiatrist) who is experienced in dealing with sexual issues. There is nothing "wrong" with you - but it IS important that you understand that your husband cannot live the same way you do. It is very sad when this situation happens, and that is why I wrote this story. <br />
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I was the wife of a man I loved very much, but he never wanted sex either. After 22 years together, I finally left because I could no longer live without sexuality in my life.<br />
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I wish you success in finding out about yourself - and I hope you can resolve your problems.

Hi there,<br />
I am married 10 yrs and I think I may be ASEXUAL. My hubby is very very sexual and cant get enough of it.<br />
On the other hand I don't want to have any sex at all. He thinks I'm crazy and there's something wrong with me. I have been to doctors, checked my sex drive etc.. with no answers.<br />
He becomes very frustrated when I turn him down and our marriage has been horrible for the past 6 yrs or more. We have a 9 yr old together also.<br />
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I don't dislike sex, it feels good but I have no desire to have it or initiate it.. EVER... Were on the verge of a divorce and I don't know what to do or say to him. I don't think he would understand if I told him that I thought that I may be ASEXUAL.<br />
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I have had many sexual relationships but they were all the same and there was always a lack of interest in sex after the honeymoon period was over..<br />
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How do I know if I am and how do I approach my husband about this ??<br />
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Confused in CANADA....

thank you enna,

Stacey, I suggest you write the above post as a story in the forum. That will attrract more attention than it will here. I hope someone can help you with your dilemma.

please guys i need your help, ive just turned 21 and have been with my boyfriend for the past 8 months but over the past 2 or 3 months i have found that although i love him their is no sexual atttraction or sexual desire ithought maybe i had just fallen out of love with him until i let my eyes wander but even then looking at other males i used to find attractive does nothing for me either. <br />
the same goes for females i am soo confused and depressed as i dont know where i belong and dont understand how i have come from a young lady that was enjoying sexual activity to where i am now. ive only just told my partner how ive been feeling and obviously he is distraught i dont know who to turn to and am in what i feel is such a mess but until now i never knew anything about asexuality, please can some1 help me would from the passage i have wrote any1 say that i fall under the asexual group of people ? thank you

I think I am asexual because it has been sooooo long since I have met a man who is both available and sexually attractive to me. And no, I not attracted to other women. I fear I will not have sex the rest of my life!

I think I am asexual because it has been sooooo long since I have met a man who is both available and sexually attractive to me. And no, I not attracted to other women. I fear I will not have sex the rest of my life!