The Realization Of Being Asexual

I remember from when I was about 14 years old, I always felt different from most males, I was never interested in girls as they seemed to be, my mother just said that it was just a phase and that I would like girls some day. At age 16, same thing, my mother said that I was just a late bloomer. This continued until the age of 19, I just knew, it was not some "phase", not some "late blooming". It was the way I am. I was so confused though. "Everyone is interested in sex" I thought, "Why am I not?" It confused me greatly. It was in a psychology class that I learned that there are some who are not interested in a sexual relationship whatsoever, and that these people are known as "asexual". So I asked the instructor after class more about asexuality, and I was directed to AVEN(Asexual Visibility and Education Network). After just about twenty minutes of reviewing posts on the site, I was crying tears of joy because no longer was I some freak of nature, but part of a society.
ThePeanutTerminator ThePeanutTerminator
8 Responses Apr 22, 2012

My husband just admitted to me that he is asexual after 13 years of marriage. For years I questioned him about our intimacy and he always got angry or made excuses. I'm glad I know now. Wish he had told me sooner. He is 43 and told me he only just realized. Could this be possible?

It is very possible. Because asexuality has until just recently been so very unknown of of as an orientation and so many go near throughout their entire life without "finding themself".

Thanks for your story, I think my husband might be an asexual. Do you as an asexual person have ever fallen in love, or how do you define love?

I have fallen in love, in fact, I am in love right now with a woman who is also asexual. We both seek a romantic relationship that is like many others, just without sex. Romance can be defined as a relationship that is an ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people. This doesn't have to involve sex at all, that is why sex is not a part of romance. Sex is a way to seek pleasure,however many share this exclusively with their partner so it has become to be known as "romance".

Just because one is asexual, doesn;t mean that they can't love someone or like to be with someone. Attraction is measured on many levels; aesthetic, romantic, sensual, and sexual. Asexuals just do not experience or experience VERY low sexual attraction, they can still experience high romantic and sensual attraction.

Here are the definitions of each form of attraction. i hope this clears things up for everyone.

Romantic - Romantic attraction is a feeling that causes people to desire a romantic relationship with a specific other person. This relation can be but does not have to be sensual or sexual.

Sexual - Sexual attraction is a feeling that sexual people get that causes them to desire sexual contact with a specific other person. this relation can be romantic but does not have to be.

Sensual - A desire to do sensual (but not sexual) things with certain people especially relating to tactile sensuality such as cuddling.

Aesthetic - An attraction to other people that is not connected to a desire to do anything with them either sensually, sexually, or romantically. One simply appreciates the appearance of another person.

Thanks a million about this response, its helping me get an insight in the thought process of an asexual. I am trying to understand about asexuality,and just coming to terms with the fact that my husband is an asexual. I just couldnt understand it or relate to it. If you know any resources that I could look upto, to help me understand asexuality better please let me know. thanks a lot! is a good place to inquire about anything relating to asexuality. It is known as AVEN or (Asexual Visibility and Education Network.) They have a forum that millions of people including myself are a member of. It is not exclusive to asexuals, however, it is one place where there are just as many asexuals as there are sexuals. You will find many stories of others who are sexual who have been been in a relationship with someone who is sexual.

If I may, I would ask that you do not just assign a label to your husband or anyone if they have not assigned themselves that label. If he is asexual, he himself must discover that and be comfortable to label himself as such. Labels are a means of being able to identify with and identification is something that no one but ourselves can define.

I have a question do people who are asexual **********? I just wonder if they love making love to their self. Everybody has a urge and sex drive right?.

Not everyone has a sex drive. Sexual urges occur very much on a spectrum, like many other aspects of being human. Some people have a very strong sex drive. Some people have little or none. Most people are somewhere in between.

As Noreen has said, sexual drive, just as sexual attraction, occurs on a spectrum. I myself have no libido so there is never any need to "scratch the itch" as some others might. Also, if I might clarify, where you said, "I just wonder if they love making love to their self." Sexual drive is only a need, and no feelings of love are ever connected to this unless there is an attraction to something when doing it. I know many asexuals who feel that, it is just something that needs to be done and so they do it to get it out of the way. Some people who are sexual enjoy it. I myself have never done it or had any need to do it.

I'm the same as you, PeanutTerminator. I have no libido, and it's impossible for me to imagine what having a sexual drive feels like. When I was a schoolgirl, I read "Portnoy's Complaint" (many ************ scenes) and thought, hmm, I seem to be really missing out...that sounds fun. So I tried it and was disappointed and puzzled to find the whole exercise a pointless, boring waste of time. Later in life, I was appalled to find that sex with another person was no more pleasant or rewarding than that one pointless attempt at ************.

The only conclusion I can make, after years of asking doctors to run tests and find out what's wrong with me, is that I'm wired differently from most people, and always have been.

One thing to be glad for. You found out sooner than later. I spent years trying to be "Normal" before I found out I am asexual. And I've made a lot of mistakes. You won't have to go through all of that.

Could being asexual be against a religious faith?... i doubt it but i still want to know :-)

I don't believe it is against any faith/religion. In Christianity not having sex and living a life of celibacy is known as a gift because most people can't do it. I personally consider asexuality as a gift which gives so much more time and freedom to do other things.

No its not wrong to be asexual if God is calling you in a holy order :) its in the Bible but its rare.


Thanks for recommending me here. I also do get the you will grow out of it thing. But you know what you are I am happy you got to put a name to how you felt all along.

Wow! I'm not in this group, however, I'm thinking maybe my "soon to be Ex" might fit this. This could answer alot of questions for me. Thank you!!

This is how I felt when I discovered that I was normal. just a different normal