Asexuality Terrifies Me

Caution: Rambling story ahead. 

I honestly don't know if I'm asexual, but I'm kind of out of alternatives.

I don't really understand the words "gay" or "straight". I always just assumed everyone else was just subconsciously lying to themselves about being one way or the other, because I've never felt differently about either sex. 

It's only lately that I've started questioning what sexual attraction actually is. I throw around words like "hot" and talk about how much I want someone but I never thought those words actually had meaning. Can others really just know someone, and then literally feel something physically about them?

It's an elusive idea that I can't really credit. It sounds kind of fantastical. 

I've never felt sexual attraction, but I've always had an excuse. 

Of course I didn't like like boys at fourteen. I mean, I didn't even hit puberty till I was fifteen.  And then I was just picky. How could I be expected to like sixteen-year-old guys when they were all so stupid. No one could blame me for being repulsed by the average high school senior. Perfectly normal.

My mother hugged me goodbye at the airport when I was seventeen, secure in the knowledge that she'd packed enough contraceptive pills in my luggage to keep me child free, at least till summer break..  

I'd managed to avoid relationships for this long, but I knew my safety net of "late bloomer" was quickly running out. I fell in "like" with a guy from my cultural studies class. He was twenty-four, loved coffee, and hated university. He seemed like someone my friends would get along with. It was enough.

I'd never felt anything more awkward than his hands on me.

But there were still more excuses.

Because third base may as well be Mars to newbies, right? No one gets it right the first time, or second time, and so on.

He dumped me pretty quick, and I was so relieved I didn't have to have sex with him that I managed to survive the humiliation. 

I went home for the holidays and most of my friends had brought a new partner from their respective universities. Two high school couples had survived the first semester of university, and the few singles had been too drunk or too busy getting rid of their random-hookup-related herpes to find anything permanent. 

I met my first real boyfriend at orientation week. We both went to Market Day, the event where uni clubs proposition vulnerable freshies into wasting their greatest years in Loserdom. I came for the freebies. He came to laugh at the kids with goals. It was enough. 

I lost my virginity to him a week later with the aid of enough bicardi to sink the Titanic. 

At least there was one thing my friends couldn't tease me about anymore. 

And it didn't matter that I despised him within a month or two and  and drove him away within a few more months.

Because everyone hates sex the first couple dozen times, right?

And I've been trying to find something since then. 

I dated a nice girl I met in classical studies. And for almost a week I thought she was what I was looking for. But then I kissed her and it was more nothingness. Still, I tried to make it work. 

Coming home for the holidays with a pretty lesbian had to be better than nothing.  

But that was over even quicker than the one before it. 

For a while I thought I was a masochist. I've always been slightly attracted to BDSM, but it didn't matter, because as soon as I added a real person to the idea there was just more awkwardness and more of me confusing "dread" with "natural nervousness". And the poor boyfriend I coerced into testing out that theory! I may have traumatized him. I briefly considered the idea that I have some sort of weird sexualised narcissism, but I can't look at myself in the mirror without making a face, so that one never really made sense. 

Now I'm twenty two and one of my best friends is getting married next year and I get to be maid of honour. Yay! Pretty dresses! Prettier hair!

But I'm getting worried. Marriage repulses me even more than relationships, and that really is kind of an accomplishment.

I don't want to get left behind in life. I don't want to be that weird, loner friend, crashing couples' events at every opportunity. I don't want to roll my eyes every time a friend mentions their relationship. I want to be able to relate.

But I've never been sexually attracted to another person and I don't want to have another person in my life and I can't understand people who do.  No matter how beautiful I know someone is, the thought of touching them just leaves me empty. I've never even had romantic thoughts about a single person. I like the idea of romance, but then it happens in real life and it just annoys me. 

And I just can't decide whether my need to be alone trumps my need to fit in. 

And if I am truly asexual, do I even have a choice? 

And now I'm confusing myself more. I just have all these questions and no one to ask. *sigh*
kikis2 kikis2
22-25, F
5 Responses May 15, 2012

Someone will eventually come along and knock your socks off ... That's a given ... In the meantime enjoy yourself in what ever pursuits make you happy and allow you to grow .. It's not a race and there is no first prize .. It's about understanding yourself and growing ... I think it was Socrates who said the life left unexamined is the life not worth living .... Just don't forget there is more to life than becoming enamored with ones own navel :)

What is asexual? To me that's having sex by yrself

Just be your self, enjoy life and be happy the sun comes up every day. Always smile !!!<br />
Don't be so hard on your self, and find your own friends.

Well, all I can say is that asexual is not necessarily aromantic. If a relationship without sex is what you want, perhaps you could check out some asexual forums? It is much harder to find them, but there are people similar to you.<br />
In any case, you are not missing out on not having what you don't want. You don't have to conform when it makes you unhappy.

What if you could just be yourself, enjoy life, and not worry about "fitting in"? Life is hard enough without being so hard on yourself. Life is way too short.<br />
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For whatever reason, sexual attraction is just not part of reality for people like us. I was so concerned about being "different," I had full medical workups done to see what was wrong with my hormones. Twice! All my blood chemistry is normal. Asexual is just the way I am and have always been. I find it so sad to see a young person like yourself bashing your head against the wall exactly like I used to do.<br />
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If you're a lovely, engaging person, your friends will be delighted to have you as a friend--a free spirit--someone who's not always moaning to them about relationship problems, breakups, divorces. Someone who has other interests in life to share with her circle.<br />
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One big upside of asexuality is the gift of time. A person who does not experience sexual attraction is not spending heaps of time in her life searching for sex, planning sex, anticipating sex, recalibrating her relationships so she can get more sex, having a secret affair, watching ****, trying to steal someone's bf or spouse, etc. For whatever reason, you are free of the compulsion to have sex--a compulsion that seems to rule most other people's lives. You can use the gift of time to delight yourself and the people around you.<br />
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There's a whole beautiful world out there with so many interesting people and things to do. Don't beat yourself up over something you can't control. Try to enjoy yourself. Life goes by in a flash.

That's sweet, Noreen, and a good way to look at things.

I went in to my doctors a year or so ago and demanded they take my hormone levels lol Didn't help in my case either, but I suppose it's good to know anyway.

And I guess I know my friends wouldn't really care, so I should probably stop projecting my issues on them.

And I like the last part. If there's one thing I enjoy more than anything, it's time to myself! :D