No One Gets It!

I am Asexual...and I know I am.  I am 23 years old....never had sex.  I have no desire to.  People around me always talk about how "hot" a person is and I just do get it.  I dont get that of being aroused.  I dont even know what being aroused means really.  I dont think about sex...just think about why others have it.  I almost am disgusted by the thought.  People ask me numerous times why I dont have a boyfriend and are shocked when I say I dont want one.  They always say I am missing something in my life (sex) and that I need it.  I am confused and almost dont get it myself.  I have no desires to have it and feel I am not missing a thing.  I just wish people understood me thats all.
NotUnderstood NotUnderstood
22-25, F
40 Responses Apr 21, 2007

i have never had sex and i dont want to. but i wish i did. i do feel like im missing out but at the same time im afraid and a little disgusted by the thought of it. most people (who believe me) say "good! you dont need it!" but i feel like i cant have a relationship because of it even though i really want a relationship with cuddling and everything just not sex. people have asked about being aroused but im not really sure what it means either

Don't worry about other people understanding you---understand yourself. Not everyone is going to be happy or are able to figure it out. Don't make that your issue, you are who you are. It makes No sense to conform to others veiws while cheating yourself. There are as many different people as there are stars, I veiw myself as a green star, and yet to so many we can't exist, well, we are living proof, we do exist. It is in Their Own Minds that they can not or will not accept. Sex and Dating are always built on expectations and nearly all the time the expectation is not achived---oh yes it it can be "Doctored" up to others but the real truth is in Really what happened. I was Never a great date or even a good one and as for sex well being Ace is all I need to say on that. Be yourself and if others can't accept then their relationship is not worth the hassle. You are who really counts.

I feel the exact same way you do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even human. Nobody really seems to understand people like us. This is why I surround myself with sites like AVEN and this.
You're not alone and there are people who understand. :3

Yeah you're not missing anything! It's overrated. There are straight men that think that people take sex too seriously. So there's that. Anyways don't fall into the trap of feeling like you need to do stuff you're not comfortable with. That was me years ago. I regret not being myself and forcing myself to be straight.

I totally understand you! I HAVE had sex, and trust me, you aren't missing anything. I find sex to be overrated and just don't see what all the fuss is about. Don't worry, the people who are meant to understand you will, and well the ones who don't, their loss. :-)

Yeah - imagine what you're missing: STDs, feelings of guilt, possible crimes against your person, unwanted children. So much.

Even for those of us on the end of the spectrum who do and have had sex, it's still less of a priority than, say, cleaning the dryer's lint trap. And that's okay. You're not hurting anyone.

haha I rather bake or look at lolcats

Funny you should mention baking...Autumn is when I really start to bake. I'm in full kitchen mode right now.

I never considered folks to be asexual before until I realized that one of my friends was. If you don't like sex, that's fine. More for the rest of us. LOL. Do what makes you happy. It's no one else's business.

im asexual too 31 aromantic but i want something more than a normal friendship only platonic but its kind a difficult when you dont have not even aphysical attraction to any one

I am 22 years old (until Oct. 14, 2011), and i am attracted to women *and only women*. But everything you just stated is true of myself as well. this is the first website that i've ever been on that just said... "OMG... maybe there's people on this site that'll atually understand me." I wasn't really holding my breath. I've led a life that just... i'm a freak cause i don't... cause i'm asexual. this was the first thing i read, and it damn near made me cry like.. dude there's... people LIKE me?? thank you... you have given me hope. You don't even know...

I don't have anything against a person that does not want sex, as long as they go into a relationship telling there "mate" just that. What I have a problem with is asexuals that have sex with there partner, for whatever reason, then get married, and turn the sex off. <br />
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If you are married, as one commented earlier, and are struggling, there has to be a compromise, it can't be just the asexual way. If you have or would like to, go over to the sexless marriage blog, and see how bad these people are suffering because of the lack of sex in a relationship. <br />
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As the old saying goes for a sexual person, marriage is only 10 percent of a marriage unless it is not there, then it becomes 90 percent of the marriage. Yep it causes so many other problems, with all the excuses. Denyier is the term for a spouse that is sexless in a marriage wiht a sexual partner.. sad but true. <br />
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If you are in a relationship like this, please tell me that you know how bad you are hurting your partner... <br />
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As I said prior, I have no problem with a person being sexless as long as they do not intentionally hook up with a person that is sexual just to have a partner, unless they are completely upfront on what and how they are.

I agree, but some asexual people, myself included, don't realize at the time that this is the problem. In my situation, it was confusing because I was attracted to the person but eventually wanted nothing to do with them sexually. I later realized that in the beginning I was having sex because I thought it was a required part of being in a relationship. Now I know I was in the wrong kind of relationship. Both parties should be clear of how often they expect sex in a relationship. Do you go into a relationship telling your partner how often you require sex? Same goes for an asexual person who doesn't realize they are asexual. To some of those people they assume their partner has the same sex drive, and it becomes a problem down the road due to lack of communication.

Very good points!! I think most people get married thinking that marriage is going to be different than it actually is.. and at the same time, as I stated before, if you have a partner that is asexual and one that is not, there SHOULD be a compromise, as that is part of being married. One is supposed to be there for the other. In my last marriage, I wanted to compromise to having an intimate sexual encounter only once a MONTH..(I like sex 2-3 times a week) and that was too much for the spouse. I agree communication is the KEY, but one has to understand the others feelings. with that said, I begged, pleaded, etc. but she wanted to stay in the relationship without considering my needs, my feelings. that is not fair. You sate that you were in the wrong relationship, so I assume you are no longer in that relationship as you were not able to provide your partner what they wanted.. I appreciated the comment you have made at least you understood where you were at in your relationship.. :) thanks again and will gladly discuss anything you have to say. A question that just came to mind, what kind of relationship are you in now? Just wondering..

Hi. Thanks for the kind response. Your points are valid as well. It was wrong of your wife to expect you to stay in the relationship without her willingness to compromise. In my relationship, I was willinging to occasionally have sex for his benefit, he too prefers it 2-3 times a week, but the once a month was not enough for him. I had even suggested he find someone else to fill that void, but we could continue to have a relationship. Unfortunately we couldn't come to an agreement suitable for bot our needs, so I ended the relationship. I am currently single and not sure if I want to be in a relationship at this time. I enjoy the freedom that comes with being single, but sometimes want the closeness/emotional connection with another.  Did you find someone more compatible?

WOW, I wish my ex would have let me have someone else to "fill the void" (seems like a pun lol)... I gave her some choices... and one was to open the marriage... she did not like any of the choices so I did seek out another to fill the void. It was really wonderful to have another person in a like situation as we both appreciated the attention and sexual satisfaction.. but alas. the ex found out and then I became the bad guy for having an affair.. imagine that... she was looking for a way out all the time... sucks but true in my view. Did I find someone more compatible.. OH YES I DID.. still not enough sex for me but SO much better and understanding of what is needed in a relationship. I hope you find a person that is compatible with your needs... or not needs.. however you want to say that :) oh, I appreciate that you ended the relationship so he could move on and find someone more compatible with his needs. I wish ALL asexuals would be as understanding and then EP would only have about half as much chatting and stories.. :) take care my new friend.. :)

1 More Response

I think it's just Darwin. The planet is overpopulated as it is and people are finding new ways to survive in defining themselves. What a richness of choice though ! I respect any persons' view on the matter, and enjoy looking at things back to front, so don't forget it was a conception that brought you into this world in the first place. :-) Enjoy what you have with whatever works.

It's okay. I know it can be difficult, but try not to feel pressured with other people's opinions on how you're "supposed" to be. Everyone is different and as long as you're comfortable with your body and your (lack of) desires, then I think it's absolutely alright. You don't need to explain or defend yourself to anyone, and you are definitely not alone.

im 30 and im asexual , i knew about asexuality last year only , i had sex many time only because of community pressure but i never enjoyed it or looked for it , i see beautiful women all the time sometime i would love to kiss them , touch them but never have sex with them , and i dont care what other people think ! this is me accept me as i am or F*** of !

im 30 and im asexual , i knew about asexuality last year only , i had sex many time only because of community pressure but i never enjoyed it or looked for it , i see beautiful women all the time sometime i would love to kiss them , touch them but never have sex with them , and i dont care what other people think ! this is me accept me as i am or F*** of !

Maybe U are letting people dig into your private life....No one said that when we were born,we got to have sex... It wasn't a compulsion.....People do it and fantasize about it as they like it.....So no one forces a person to have sex and date boys......U have a life and live it to the extreme....Sry i don't know you but felt like commenting as went through same ****......

If it counts for anything, I am not asexual, but I completely respect and understand you, and I believe that you can have a completely happy and fulfilling life without it! There are so many pleasures in life. Some of us enjoy relationships and intimacy, some of us enjoy fine wines and good food, some enjoy various entertainment, outdoor hobbies, art, writing, the source of bliss is endless. Some of us enjoy any assortment of these, but not all of them!<br />
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Sex is a wonderful thing for those of us who enjoy it. But it also destroys lives. It's a high risk indulgent if you will, and for that matter, dare I say sometimes overrated! Suffice to say, the media is obsessed with it, the world is sometimes obsessed with it, but when something becomes so widespread and obsessed over, it loses its very one endearing trait -- the intimacy it accompanies. So I hope you never are made to feel like anything lesser by those people. You are not lesser. Perhaps you even have a gift!<br />
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As for me, I will never ridicule a person who does not enjoy it or the idea of it, I will never tell a person they are missing out. You can't miss out on something that isn't your thing any more than I can miss out on "spicy food" when it burns my mouth and leaves me gasping for air. There is no shame in who and what you are. <br />
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Take care! =)

Sounds like we should all form our own (little?) club...the anti sex society. It is a comfort to know there are others out there who feel the same, don't like sex or haven't experienced it on a highly enjoyable scale... and when we have to constantly put up with it shoved in our faces 24/7 on TV, the media, through Valentine's day, etc etc. making us feel that there is something really wrong with US. As the saying goes, ......whatever it is, it is not for everyone. Does this make sense?

That's fine if you're an ace. I don't care for sex, either. I don't believe in "the right person". People are people. We want what we want and like what we like. That's it.

Don't let anyone tell you who YOU are. But like another poster here said don't build walls between yourself and those who care about you. Sex is a product of intimacy and can be a wonderful thing when both people are completely comfortable with everything, understanding of one another, and willing to listen. Obviously sex is pointless when there is no bond but sex is called lovemaking for a reason.

Sex is over-rated. I for one would not miss it ever. All through my life I was hassled because I wasn't "out playing the field" I was even assaulted once because it was felt that might be Gay. No one could accept me because I didn't fit their ideal---too baby bawlin' bad---I wasn't put on this earth to be played like a pawn. I am me--good and bad-- I don't expect anyone to change for me or meet my own selfish expectations of them nor should they of me.

Hi i think sex is overated. Ive never had any sexual feelings and never felt aroused and have no desire to. Also i got phobia about body fluids and private body parts so would never have sex again. I did out of curiosity but didnt like it. Like you i have never had a proper boyfriend. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety so i find life hard enough to cope without worrying about sex and not having a boyfriend as i have never been treated well by men. I do understand to some extent how you feel though.

I'm the same way, although nearly 10 years younger. I actually have genophobia, and am forced to deal with the conversations of HIGH SCHOOLERS every day, which really isn't fun. :/

You sound like you know exactly who you are. Don't let society confuse you. If you do happen to meet someone you want to share your life with just make sure you are upfront with them. Tell them exactly how you feel about sex and that nothing will ever change that. If you do not like sex now it may not change in the future. Accept yourself for who you are and do not let anyone else tell you anything different. Never feel bad about it. Who is to say what normal is? Everyone in this world is different and no one should have to conform to what society deems "normal". You love yourself for who you are and go on living your life.

I don't fully understand, but I don't need sex either in a relationship. I do value kissing veryy much tho. But it's not weird or anything, you just told me you are, so, there we go. Everyone's different. And I can read you're not alone.

Don't worry. I know it's incredibly brutal constantly being told you don't know yourself, but there are people out there who, when you say you're ace, with say, "Oh. Excellent. Well done." I'm not saying they'll know exactly how you feel, nor am I claiming you'll never get a stupid question from them, but there are people who see asexuality as a legitamite thing. You'll be asked the same type of dumb questions straights ask gays, that gays ask straights (or, ahem... that I may have asked to sexuals). It sounds stupid, I think, but when you get the harmless, acceptingly ignorant questons from friends who get it, you'll feel kind of validated. And remember, if you don't feel you're missing something, you're not. I hope this helped!

Thanks for sharing. <br />
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I understand your views and feelings however please do not miss out on intimacy in life with others as I believe that intimate relationships are what makes life so magical.<br />
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Obviously sex can and generally is a meaningless act for many people. I also believe that one day when you develop a deep kindred relationship with someone that intimacy may lead to the act of making love (although not exclusively).<br />
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Don't force or rush anything. Just enjoy living your life but please do not build walls around yourself. You have an inner light and love that will be a joy to share with people who respect you and deserve it.<br />
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Sex without meaning is extremely over rated and pretty pointless in my opinion.

I am the same way. nobody gets me either. I wish I can find a guy that is just like me

(I know this is a really old post, But i just found it). I feel exactly the same way!! And no one understands. nor do i really. I am 20 and have no physical connection to anyone other then to be really close to them, friendly, and i adore cuddling. but I have never felt anything within my body that is pleasurable when experimenting with boys. You are so right the word aroused means nothing to me because i have never experienced it. what do i do?? I want to be intement with someone eventually and feel something anything would be nice!!

OMG! They talk about us needing sex like religious fanatic tell us we need god/religion! Or like a drug dealer pushes drugs!

I completely understand about the sex thing. I just don't want to have it. Never did, and I suspect I never will. I am married to a very sexual man which makes things very difficult but we are trying to make things work. I wish you all the best and I wouldn't worry too much about what others think. What is important is how you feel about yourself.

You're not missing anything! I'm not asexual, but I understand that true intimacy without sex is just as good if not better than with sex.

I agree- I'm not asexual either, but I was reading about it b/c i heard Morrissey from the Smiths is. But I completely agree- I have plenty of bad sex and conversely, really good cuddling. Just out of curiosity- do people w/o sexual desire enjoy cuddling?

yea, cuddling and other affectionate behaviours do it for me.

My dear, you have no idea. Cuddling is literally my favorite thing in the world. I crave that contact, which is one of the big reasons that I hate sex. Can't just innocently/affectionately cuddle a guy can we? Not without giving other things.

I am the same way! Nobody gets me, either! I get ridiculed for that! Even my @$@#$@ roommate makes fun of me!

I understand. Maybe it comes from something that happened in your childhood? Everyone is different. I'm only speaking from experience.

You're not missing anything at all. If you don't feel you need sex, power to you I say :-)

It doesnt matter what other people think sweetie, as long as you are comfortable within yourself. Youre always going to get others telling you what to do, tell them to back off!

since I'm asexual, when I call someone "hot" it's cause I think they're just good looking but I don't feel anything sexual about them.

Do you still feel like guys are attractive? I'm like that, I think some guys are really hot, but it has nothing to do with sex.

I am 28 and I actuly abhor....this thing....I am determined I wil live s a virgin and die a friends /sisters never belve me ...they think I am just too shy..they can never belive tht ther may be a girl who is asexual.....

its ok. I had the same feelings too. especailly the hygiene which becoems the biggest turnoff for me.<br />
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M aybe it was me who had bad experience with both men and women which made me alwasy think before I act and realise that sex is nothing but an animalistic behaviour and us humans should make an effort to do better than that.

I wish I could find a girl just like me.

I understand, but I miss being sexual because I used to be. Now I have no sexual feelings and I feel dull.