My Asexual Husband

I have recently after 3.5+ yrs of marriage found out my husband is asexual. He basically ignored all my advances and comeons for our whole relationship and i jusr recently found out he just is not interested in sex. We actually both found out together. Its still almost like a dream like its not real its just his way of not having to be with me cause hes repulsed by me. He says he was never interested even as a teen. How do i believe this? Any thought out there?
halfpint76 halfpint76 36-40, F 3 Responses Jul 4, 2012

Your Response


asexual person can love a lot. It doesnt mean repulsion to you but for sex. repulsion for sex with anyone. It is just that he cant admire sexually. he admires u for something else than flesh and body. it is you who feel repulsed. do not hurt urself like that. think u ve find someone who love u for who you are. for your soul alone and for more that he would like he cannot feel the desire of sexing or the liking for it. think about it. if he would be sadomasochistic till the point of wanting to be tabbed to reach an ****** could you please him? I guest u couldnt because is not ur nature or way of expressing love and that wouldnt mean that u do not love him. the same with him. he just can bear the desire of having sex. Believes he loves u so much. It is up to you if u can live with it or not. U can say if he really love u he could effort in having sex but in the other way he could think if u really love him u could learn new ways of expressing love. I am sorry for ur situation. I know it hurts... :(! But I know his feeling too because I have been in the same position though I am demisexual and not asexual ... He too feel rejected for not being understood... it is frustrating to be wanted to produce something u cant and be taken as wrong when u love and there s nothing wrong with being asexual but the mixture between an sexual and asexual one! If u love each other u could reach a happy medium were u discover new ways to love and where he can find pleasure in just having u sexually pleased. but it will take the effort of u both! And please do not underestimate urself or body or capacity to attract I guess u are gorgeous but it is not about it. Think even he is asexual u have drawn him out in some ocassions. And that alone meant for him a great effort. U too are efforting a lot!

My husband and I hadn't had sex in 45 years. The sex we had was short and quick, maybe 10 minutes.I never had a chance to try and seduce him because he moved him self to the basement for all these years. I've been put aside, unloved, unwanted. I don't really know if I'm sexual or not, I'm not even sure I know what its all about. That was my only time to have sex. I still consider myself a virgin, even though I'm in my 60s. I'll never know about sex and intimacy.

You say you found out together. Possibly he never knew what the problem was until now? That's how it sounds from your story. So you can't resent him for something he just discovered about himself the other day.

The more interesting part of the story, to me, is why you married a man who ignored and resisted all your advances and come-ons for your entire relationship. What did you think would happen? Did you think he'd change into a different kind of person?

Some people are interested in sex, and some aren't. This only becomes a problem when you have a mixed marriage (one sexual, one not). He might love you very much, regardless. Can you live with that, or are you planning to leave him?