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Mind Over Matter

Hi, I'm a 23 year-old woman, a virgin, and I'd say I'm about 95% asexual.

Let me just start by saying, to me, sex is like water-tasteless and pointless, unless you're dying of thirst.
The funny thing is I started out in life being pretty sexual. Even before puberty, I used to enjoy watching erotic films, and even ************. The difference between then and now was that back then, in my childish innocence, I saw nothing wrong with it-it was a natural thing to me, a new way to get pleasure, and that was the extent of it, as far as I saw. There was nothing dark or perverse about sex, the way I saw it..it wasn't until later that I started to figure a few things out..
Anyway, I honestly haven't touched my privates for reasons other than hygene in over 11 years, now..

At first, I think it started when I realized all the negative ways that sex was being used - as a means to dominate, control a person, to objectify a person, I found out about all the rapes, cases of child molestation and what not. And I just decided I didn't want anything to do with something that is the source of so much ugliness and pain in the world.
Another reason was..the whole thing about being dominated. Being a raging feminist since birth, I need to feel free and in control of myself at all times. And if there is one thing I find more insulting than anything else in the world, it's being reduced to "a body". And that's all sex is about. Being reduced to meat.

Some people will say it's all in my head, but I know I am right about the following... Being a virgin is cool. It just is. If you're a woman, especially a pretty young woman, being a virgin is a statement. It's like saying "I have never been dominated", "I'm in control", "I have the upper hand over every man I meet".
I might be nuts, but I really believe sex messes with a woman's mind. It's nature's fault, really.. Women are programmed to be less powerful, physically, so after they have sex, a lot of them become submissive because they think(or are taught to believe) they are defined by their sex more than men are-which, of course, is crap. Men like to brag about how they're "the powerful ones" but forget the minor fact that they don't have a say in it. They can't take credit for their physical abilities, it's nature that takes the credit. Men and women are both pawns on natures' chess board. So, grow up.
Anyway, my point is, I am obsessed with not giving my power away..I'm afraid of losing my "mojo" if I sleep with someone. That's one aspect of it..the emotional undercurrents of asexuality.

I have recently started to really accept being asexual. For years, I have wondered about what is wrong with me, like why can't I get turned on as easily as some of the girls I knew, who were always "hot" for some guy.
I almost never get turned on by seeing naked men.
Also, - and this will definitely sound weird - I have actually been watching **** films for years(not every day, obiously, but a few days per month, at least) - hoping to get turned on, but I never did. And I mean NEVER. If anything, some are downright disgusting to me. I honestly don't see how anyone can enjoy watching ****. It's ridiculous, at best.

Basically I am totally asexual, most of the time-meaning I don't have any sex drive, or get turned on by anyone. I'll get "the urge" maybe once every 2 months, and it comes in short and intense bursts, that don't last for more than a few hours.
So, a few hours of horniness every 2 months(on average, cause it can be longer than that)- that's the extent of my sexuality.
And frankly, getting horny every now and then makes me realize how grateful I should be to be asexual. I think it sucks to feel like you depend on others for gratification.

Also, I am and always have been a very sensitive, emotional person. So a lot of the times, anything physical seems downright brutal to me, not just sex-anything.
I even hate being lightly touched, while fully clothed, because I feel invaded.
I just love to see myself as pure and spiritual, and hope to carry on like this for many years.
If I could find a man who would make me feel accepted for ME, it would be great, but if I can't, I'm not compromising.
MantisReligiosa MantisReligiosa 22-25, F 24 Responses Aug 4, 2012

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**** is always unattractive. It is not your ideal person and it is removed from being with the people involved. Those who like **** have to know what the experiences might feel like and embody people within the experience. At least, that's what I have heard. You do not know for certain that you are asexual and that is rather obvious. You sound more anti-sexual (which is a real thing).

I have a lot of sympathy and empathy for your position and the reasons you explained it. You were incredibly eloquent. You are correct that sex is the source of much ugliness and I too hate, despise with a venom when sex is used to either control or take advantage.
I do respect your choice.. it's yours and for that reason it's right for you. But I couldn't leave a comment without saying.. that sex can also be a truly beautiful thing - between two people with love and an abiding connection.. when it's right and mutual then sex can be the highest natural high.. a spiritual experience.

I agree with what you say about sex being just as beautiful as it can be ugly, even though ive never experienced it myself. I know about it, more than a lot of people who do it. I pay attention and learn about it because I don't want it, but I should for every biological reason

Wuuuuuuuut

are you confused by something?

I'm asexual too, but I don't think all sexual relationships are necessarily a bad thing. I do agree that there is a lot of unfairness surrounding it, and I think a lot of that is because of the sexism in our culture. However, I think that in a good relationship, where both people are respectful of each other (maybe in love or whatever, but they don't have to be) both parties are getting something out of it and doesn't have to be about domination. I don't want it for myself, but the idea of sex in general I have no qualms with.

well i find that some how werid

A healthy sexual relationship include just as much taking as giving .
You don't lose yourself by enjoying a sexual relationship , you learn more about yourself .
If you were happy not experiencing anything sexually , it wouldn't be on your mind so much and you wouldn't have bothered writing this ?

Your story makes me think that you are "cutting off your nose, to spite your face ".

Great story. Very interesting. I agree with some of the things you said. :D

But do you really think you are asexual since you have sensations of wanting it? Just wondering. Even if the desire is very little you are still a sexual creature.
I don't think have sex gives away power and some might say you can gain power through sex.
We were created to mate weren't we? So why fight whatever urge you have? What's the point in being close to someone and not being intimate with them? As in a mate? That would just be a friend then, right?
Thanks for your post. Curious really to your answers because Im very sexual.

So you're saying that there is no point in being close with someone if you're both not physically intimate?

No, not at all. But if you feel love for someone would you not want to express that feeling physically? Even if it is through touching...etc.

Well, hugs and some things are fine with me. I don't know about kissing. I've never tried that.

I see. Thanks for responding. : )

You're most welcome.

well, I haven't had any relationship, of any kind. But I hate the fact that most men look for relationships mostly for sex, which is gross. I can understand that they have higher physical needs than women, but I miss the part where that's my problem...I don't take out my nerves on every guys I meet, just because I am suffering from menstrual cramps, so, the way I see it, a guy has no more of a right to demand sex than a woman does. If I ever do get into a relationship, I'd have to be absolutely sure that the guy has some interest in me, as a person, and is not blinded by hormones.

funny enough, I've watched these speeches made by a Rabbi, and he spoke particularly about women and how they are seen according to Judaism, and although I am not Jewish by any extent, what he said made perfect sense to me. I am very much individualistic, and I never bel;ieved a woman's sole purpose in life should be raising kids, cooking and cleaning. A woman who dreamed big and is frustrated in her ambitions cannot ever be a sound mother and wife.
That being said, though, I hate the way modern society expects women to act like men, without any consideration for her nature,which,like it or not, is very different from a man's.
In Judaism, that nature is catered to, and nurtured.For instance, sex is the woman's right, not the man's. The woman has the right to demand sex from her husband, but the man cannot demand it from his wife. Plus they are forbidden to have sex for at least 2 weeks out of a month, around the woman's period, which also seems reasonable, since it would keep the fire burning in the relationship, and not get too routine.
Aside from that, women are accepted as being more sensitive and emotional, and treated with gentleness.
I am 200% feminine, and I'm hypersensitive, to me it's absolutely paramount that a guy acts gentle with me, and makes me feel safe.
I can't stand macho types who expect the women to do what they want. But most men nowadays are exactly like that. They see sex as a measure of their "performance" instead of a bonding act. They don't see anything wrong with taking a woman's virginity and dumping her a feww weeks later. They think they have the right to sleep around, while expecting their women to not even look at other men etc etc.you get my point.

4 More Responses

I can relate to this so much! Thank you for writing it. I sometimes forget that we people have the right to choose over our own sexuality, as a woman this is easy to forget in this society. Untill recent years I always assumed I was either straight or bisexual, but if choice, freedom and feminism may play a part in my orientation: I find myself increasingly asexual.
Sometimes it's hard to talk about this, because I don't want to defy the "you're born with your orientation" theory. Maybe a better theory would be: "you're born with a preference, what you do with that preference is all up to you, not society, but you and only you". :-)

There's a difference between f*cking and sex. I've always agreed with you in the aspect that sex is a pretty filthy act. But I've come to willingly bear the discomfort,and even come to disregard it entirely, when the motives behind the sex are pre, and the sacredness is preserved for a genuine love. Im celibate, and I've been wondering if i were asexual because my sexual desires have pretty much disappeared. But i guess I've realized that, under the right circumstances, sex can be a truly beautiful thing. I don't want to see it as nothing more than filth, when I've personally felt it mean so much more to me than just a physical act. The reason Im celibate is because I lost the girl I loved. And sex just doesn't feel right without her. She wasn't just a piece of meat, or a body to ****. Because, without her, sex has left my life.

I just wanted to pose a different perspective and see what kind of response it'd get. maybe I'll learn something about my situation.

Not sure what you mean about learning something about your situation. You feel how you feel and nobody can deny that.
I'm sure if you meet someone you have a deeper connection to, it can be nice, but that hasn't happened for me, so I'mma stick to my hymen. lol

I'm a 23 year old female who's asexual. But I still get aroused, and I am able to have sex. I just don't find anyone attractive, and had my first.. big O recently haha, was kinda scary, but I can still... get off... Just don't feel like it. Mostly with someone else, as I can still ********** without being uncomfortable... too much.. I understand the concept of Sex, I understand what it means to the majority. I only recently discovered why I was "different".

I don't want to have sex really but it's not a problem for me to have it anyway. I was abused. Sexually and for many years I thought that was why I wasn't interested in sexual activities. Or why I don't like to be touched. (But that could still be the reason, I can't know for sure.)

I just wanted to say I find this offensive personally. You say you are about 95% asexual, but you're more asexual than I am. You've never slept with anyone so how can you really know so much about it. What sex is, what it does to a person. You don't even know what it does to you. You have your own imagination and it kinda disturbs me you see sex as a bad thing. It's the most natural thing in the world. That you can't argue with. It's how you make babies. So, really. It's mostly about what makes you uncomfortable and what does not.

I have issues with bodily fluids. I find the body very disgusting. Because of saliva, I can't french kiss anyone because of it. LOL yeah. But I'm just not... Interested and it disgusts me.

I'd say I was curious and read your story. But mostly it just sounded depressing and angry. I was angry and sad when I learned about my sexuality. Never thinking anyone would want to be with someone who's... not interested in making love or have sex. But as a Libra. I'm a passionate person. Emotional and loving. Just show it in a different way. There's other ways than sex to show you love someone. That's really what we all want, isn't it? To be loved as much as you love them.

Everyone loves differently.

You're not a bad person for not having sex. Or anything of the sorts. But it doesn't make you a better person either. We're all just different people. With different opinions and thoughts.

Sex, with the right person, isn't "sex". Its a communication. An experience... a interlocking of body and soul... where you bring pleasure and sometimes just laugh during it and then roll your eyes back in pleasure, or feel connected embraced in the arms of your lover. Sex is procreation. And sex... is making love. Sex is a beautiful dance between two bodies in which eyes can speak volumes and bodies are beautifully pleased. You are denying yourself something lovely, but to each their own. Just please do not ever get married. EVER. Unless its to a person who cannot physically have sex or something like that, they want a permanent roommate and no sex. Its the most unfair thing to "fall in love" and then deny the other person that.

exactly... its amazing when that happens. That is when it is what its truly supposed to be in my opinion. A little bit of heaven.

Wow, DancingFire. I have a lifetime of experience with sex, yet never have I experienced anything like what you describe. For me, and for some other asexual people, sex is a tedious bodily function that doesn't bring any particular pleasure. It offers no"communication" or connection to the other person. It's simply something we do because somebody else really wants us to.

Please understand that sexual people might experience sex the way you do, but there are a few of us out there (an estimated 1% of the population) who have a completely different experience.

If sex were "lovely" and pleasurable for us, don't you think we'd want to participate? If sex were a boring activity for you, with no pleasure or meaning attached, how much would you actually want to have sex, honestly? Probably not much.

I understand. That is how it is with my husband. HORRIBLE. You have to find the right person, which is hard if we've gotten married... and also because you simply can't "shop around" sexually. I do understand what you are saying. Sex with my husband makes my skin crawl.

Perhaps you just need a very "she comes first" kind of guy. Not a wuss or anything, just one who respects your right as a woman, to have more of the say so and be kind of in control. A guy who's gratification comes just from YOURS and who willingly goes without when u need him to, but can still be mentally and emotionally intimate. :-)

The historical definition of "virgin" is "Beholden to no man." I do hope you find someone who appreciates your obvious intelligence though. But if you don't, I doubt you will miss out on anything :) peace out x

yeah, about the not missing out on anything..I've spoken to several girls I used to hang out with when I was a kid, and they all told me they don't like sex at all but do it "for their boyfriends", which I find totally appalling. It's just the way women are raised. That they're supposed to do whatever just to keep a guy interested in them. It's seriously messed up. I guess it makes me grateful to be born in a day and age when I can make my own money and not depend on a man.

Woo!
You go, girl!
I can relate completely!

A fair number of the women I knew in college talked like you, except that no single woman in those days would admit to looking at anything raunchy.Some people have serious difficulty enjoying physical intimacy, and you are one of them."Men and women are both pawns on natures' chess board."I you know some evolutionary biology and psychology, you will have the haunting feeling that that sentence is true."I am obsessed with not giving my power away..I'm afraid of losing my "mojo" if I sleep with someone."You are far from alone in feeling that way. Even I, a male, felt that way in my teens and 20s. I was 37 when I surrendered my virginity to the woman I am married to. I was very very attracted to all sorts of women. They were almost never attracted to me. I feared that if I got sexual with them, I would lose control of my emotions and common sense. That I would make a fool of myself. That they would find something silly to get angry about and take me to the cleaners.<br />
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A detail. I have always enjoyed being touched by women.

You are very young still! I am 52 and could not care less about physical contact with men OR women. It has been that way all my life. However, as I get older, I am beginning to worry about the future, and being alone, friendless. It seems very bleak, indeed.

To me the mind is more important than the body. Personality for me has a tendency to get projected onto the body for me. Sex to me is just the mixing of bodily fluids. Nothing special about it anymore considering society's obsession with it.

beauty is not sex.There are innumerable things to appreciate and enjoy .It may be on the mental level or physical glamour with beautiful assets god has given

i appreciate your individuality,.The beauty of the flower is when it blooms and spreads its fragrance.This memory is always green always even though it fades.I always wish to record such things

I too can't handle being touched. Be it friends or family I can't stand it. That being said, I like you from what I've read, and I truly hope you can find that man. You deserve to be happy. We all do.

I like young,beauty,and wish to record to recollect and enjoy

so be a domimatrix and take control of the man your with alot of men like that your strong to still be a virgin thats a hard tasksex has so many temptations.

You're an incredible person to think that way and stick to it. There's so much pressure on women to have sex, but in the end, it's just an ideal pushed on us by men.<br />
Trust me, you're not missing out on much. <br />
<br />
Stay strong, sweetie xoxoxoxoxo

ignore small accidents.Remember beauty and feel happy

I had the same thing when I was in high-school and the peer-pressure encouraged the whole sex-thing. I can understand how u must have felt and I'm happy that u have taken a stand :)

Think only present .next day is again present for tomorrow. Remembering it always brings joy to our minds

from one extreme to another....EP is such a crazy place

Beauty has no beginning or end