Makes Sense

I've honestly never been interested in sex. I learned what ************ was by accident when I was 12, when I went to scratch an itch. I had never had any sexual urges before then, and I still don't. Still, it was an interesting experience, so I tried it for a short while before realizing I didn't actually care and my time could be better spent playing games. So I'll admit that I'm an asexual. Being an artistic person, though, I love romance and the roundness of the female figure. I thought of myself as bisexual because I always found myself attracted to women, even though I knew I should be dating men.

I feel like I should mention that I never felt the need to have a romantic relationship before I was 18. By the time I was 19, I started dipping my feet in to appease my friends, who felt the need to describe their relationships and sex lives (something that is common, but odd to hear nonetheless), and wanted to hear mine.

My first relationship was "safe". He lived far enough away that I was never threatened by physical advances, but could visit him if I felt I was ever ready. I never was, and he became more and more promiscuous in his language that I felt pressured to either sleep with him or leave him. I ended up leaving him. I just wasn't "ready".

My second relationship was a bit more adventurous. My ex had convinced me to embrace my assumed sexuality and not be afraid to date women. So I dated a woman nearby. I shared my first adult kiss with her (I was terrible, but I felt no attraction to her), and she was not very sexual to begin with so I didn't have to worry too much. She was more affectionate than I was expecting. I felt awkward holding her hand and talking about things like cuddling. I tried to treat her very well and play along for her sake, but I eventually ended it because it was starting to get serious. I know that she never would have taen it very far, but I just didn't feel like risking it.

So there you go. At 21 years old, I've dated both genders and, though I understand them better for it, I'm just not attracted to them. I still seek relationships to seem normal, and maybe to eventually have a long-term, non-affectionate, non-sexual relationship one day. I understand that it's very unlikely, so I'm holding onto hope that this is just a "phase", and if I keep trying harder, I'll eventually be ready for a sexual relationship. I know that trying makes me look flakey, but asexuality just isn't as well known as the big four sexualities, and I don't want to loose any friends over it.
bitterbuns bitterbuns
Nov 29, 2012