Asexual Husband

I am not asexual but I think my husband is. And he thinks he is. I'd like to hear some stories from men who may not have truly realized they are asexual until they were in a marriage. What thoughts and feelings have you gone thru, how do you feel about how your wife feels/felt?
Solonely80 Solonely80
31-35, F
7 Responses Dec 8, 2012

I too expierienced what marriage does to a good healthy relationship. For 14 years i lived with one woman, who i loved very much. Our sex was awesome,i bought a nice place and started a business. But her fked up friends changed her ways of thinking and planted the seed ,"that eventually i would leave her for a younger woman" which would never have happened. She started mentioning getting married and i would ask her why? Why fix something,if its not broken. Then came the reason.Absurb,I told her, but she was convinced,i would leave her for a yonger woman. We had a son,and i would never have left her.She was already 7 yrs younger than me. Within 6 months of marring her, she became a changed person. I was stunned and my unending happiness was drawing to an end? I knew it. My parents divorced and I had sworn to never get married. How I wish I had of stuck to my guns. Now divorced and living alone, Riding my Harley into the blue, I know where i went wrong. The good sex ended, within months of putting a ring on her finger and it became a responsibility,a chore almost,something mechanical? As she began saying, You have commitments,responsibilities. like the Bee-Gees used to sing.........How deep is our love...............Turned out to be very shallow indeed.........Once burned.......A Lesson Learned.

Another member on EP told me of a web site called "AVEN" after reading it some insight has come my way.

Be well.

Yes, thank you, I am aware of this website and orientation. He once said he might be asexual but he refuses to talk to me about it. I have already told him if he is 100% asexual this marriage won't work for me, but from what I've read there are varying 'degrees'(sorry incorrect terminology I'm sure), and asked him to talk with me about how he truly feels about sex. But he won't,


Whether he's gay or asexual, he needs to understand his true self and show that true self to you. Does he ever **********? Does he ever watch ****? If he's not interested in sexual activity at all, then yes, he may have a very low libido by nature. He probably is not being that way to spite you. He is what he is. You need to decide whether you are OK with who he is or if you want to leave him.

But why would someone who is asexual have appeared to have a normal to high sex drive for a full two years before suddenly refusing almost any sexual advance from their partner? Obviously now there is so much wrong in the relationship that I can understand even a sexual having no drive. But back then, we seemed to have a good relationship, I know I was happy, I thought he was happy, and then boom. On the night before our wedding he said he seemed more excited than me, and asked why. I told him I was afraid I was dooming myself to a life with no sex(we had discussed this before, his response was always, I'll work on it) again he said I'll work on it. Why would he not admit to me before marriage that he just didnt want to? Why wait until after?

And he does **********, infrequently(so he tells me, he makes sure I am not around) and I don't believe he watches ****, but he used to.

If he had a "normal to high sex drive for a full two years," then why was it necessary for you to discuss your to worries about a life with no sex and for him to promise to "work on it"? These two statements seem contradictory.

And no I have not changed physically in any significant way since marriage. In fact I am about ten pounds lighter. At 5'9" and about 153lbs I am thin but curvy.

And is it horrible of me to wonder if maybe he's actually gay not asexual? He spends most of his time with his male friends and acts like I don't exist. And as my one friend keeps pointing out, he spends a lot of time at truck stops

Solomely. I've been down the road your on but from the opposite side. My wife of years ago withdrew from a reasonably sexual relationship to a mostly sexless marriage. Funny thing now is that I never did find out why. There was no way I could live in that kind of marriage so when she suggested we separate I was ready. Well after 20 years of divorse and a second marriage that also crashed I will say that the best thing I did was to get away. The self doubt created by continual rejection was the worst thing I ever experienced. Its not you its him! Get out and get what you need before you've found you wasted your life away. If you can't get divorced at least get what you need. Time has a way of flying by don't waste any more of it