Loosening My GripAll my life I’ve been the perfect people pleaser and so when I reached adulthood and had only myself to think about I was unnerved by how little I knew myself. For the longest time I couldn’t even discern whether or not I was asexual or simply afraid to “put myself out there” as my family would say.
I’ve always bent over backwards trying to be normal, trying to be perfect. Growing up, I rarely disobeyed and never did so on purpose. It was easy to just avoid the subject of my sexuality because as a young girl my family didn’t want to hear of or talk about such things. I made friends who weren’t obsessed with sex or virginity, we simply enjoyed being young and were in no hurry to grow up. I was well known by everyone as the person you went to if you needed help. Generous and open minded were the words usually used to describe me. But after a while another word was added: weird.
The reason? In spite of being nineteen years old when asked ‘why don’t you have a boyfriend’ I automatically responded ‘ew, no’. Let me tell you, while that is endearing to hear from your average five year old, few parents want to hear that from their college aged daughter.
It felt like it was overnight that suddenly I was no longer the golden child. I’ve always been very supportive of the LGBT community so inevitable conclusions were drawn. My extended family is not the most open-minded lot so I started getting static from them. The hardest night of my life was when my mother begged me ‘just tell me, I’ll love you, just tell me’ but I had no words for her.
I wish I could’ve said yes, I’m enamored with the human form. I love drawing it and writing about it. I love being close to people, giving hugs, being a shoulder to cry on and falling asleep next to someone. I just have no interest in sex. But I just couldn’t say that. I couldn’t even say it to myself. I won’t lie, I felt like a freak, like sexual desire was some magical, life affirming thing that had passed me over.
Now I’m twenty-two years old, fairly content. I’m a good daughter and a good friend. I’m an okay student but a better procrastinator ;) . I’m a Christian and an Ally because I don’t believe the two are mutually exclusive. And I am asexual.
I still don’t know if I can tell my family because I don’t know how to truly explain it to them. Every time the subject comes up I just can’t say it. It feels like I’m holding onto a rope and I can’t look down. Telling them is like letting go of the rope… I may be two feet up or a hundred, and the uncertainty scares me. I know I’m not ready to let go, but this is me loosening my grip. And amazingly I’m feeling better already.
I hope this isn’t too terribly long. :)