Labels, Experience, Incongruity

I stumbled on this eye-opening line of inquiry after reading a story about a sexually frustrated asexual couple. The wife remained disinterested, the husband increasing depressed because of a new found interest in physical intimacy.

That lead to some targeted Google searching and revealed the realm of “gray A”.

I saw myself. Decades of myself in the descriptions and experiences of the “demi-sexual”.

I knew from my early 20’s that I was different. That sex held no real intrigue or appeal to me, unless the heart was activated, then look out! But society does not play like that and I tried to fit in. I playacted the role of a “normal” woman as best I could (and that was quite poorly, I may add). I experimented. I had therapy. I even got married (which did not last very long).

Over the years, I had a lot of lousy sex because that is what people do. Have sex. They sometimes have “relationships” but without sex? Hardly.

As I got older and stopped accepting so much external influence, I realized 2 things:
1 That sex in and of itself pretty much disgusts me.
2. I am absolutely not interested in sex with any man I do not care deeply about and feel connected to on an intellectual and emotional level.

That makes me a social outcast, by the way.

I have been told that I am frigid, too strict, that my “standards are too high”, that the problem is that I need to sleep with women, that I am dysfunctional, and a host of other unwelcome things just because I have no desire whatsoever to sleep with strangers (or anyone I currently know) at all. No affairs, no “booty calls”, no adult encounters, none of the things “normal” single women my age do.

I have not had sex (with another person) for the better part of the past decade and it has been great. No more uncomfortable, unsatisfying, or painful sex because the other person needs it – what a freaking relief. No more “dating” (trying to meet people with mutual interests) when all they want is sex.

What is the big deal with sex anyway? So incredibly overrated.

Do I hate sex? Absolutely not.
(Although I was assaulted and that has left a few psychological scars.) I just wish I did not live in a society that seems to worship it.

Will I even have sex again? Doubtful.
I am now over 50 and that pretty much makes me invisible to men anyway, plus I have no interest in “getting laid” – and that is what society demand “normal” men do. And really at this stage in my life, it is not important or something I feel any need for anyway.

So here I am. This is the tip of the iceberg of my story.

Would it be nice to have asexual friends? Oh hell yes.
There are so many other interesting things to do, explore, debate, and experience that it would be extremely refreshing to interact with people who live like that. It is a very fortunately thing in deed that I have a lot of hobbies and am good on my own because there sure aren’t any folks like me in my area.

In the meantime, I go on in my sex-free closet and dodge questions about my lack of a “boyfriend” and whether I am gay or not. My standard answer is that my morals are incompatible with current norms of society. (Which is true, I am a real monogamist. I have no choice. Kind of funny how demi-sexuality includes that side effect.)
topazsky topazsky
51-55, F
2 Responses Jan 1, 2013

This is incredibly interesting and it's odd that some of the feelings you wrote abt were some of the feelings tht I am currently experiencing. I am 20yrs old, and I can't imagine having sex with someone tht you don't know ESPECIALLY someone tht you don't have an emotional connection with. I have began to think abt sex in a different way and to be completely honest, I have been having sex mostly for my partner and not for me, I don't always enjoy it and sometimes it is painful because emotionally I am not happy. This has really opened my eyes to a new part of myself. Thnks for sharing your story!

Haha, great to see another demi! (: I always thought I was asexual until I met the one, and he really is the only one I feel anything like that for. Otherwise, it's all completely disgusting and unappealing to me. I think he likes it, because he knows there really isn't a dishonest bone in my body when it comes to sex! Lol. If you look on the asexualty/AVEN website on the forums, they have meetups for all areas where you might be able to make some more like minded friends.