To Feel AloneHello, I have just joined here and I just wanted to get myself out here. I am asexual and have always been very sure and often times proud of this. For some reason lately it is beginning to bother me quite a bit. I think it is because I do find myself wanting a relationship and the companionship that comes with it. I do have a sense of asthetics for people and find myself getting crushes on men that are conventionally good looking. I do want a husband one day and I most definitely know I want a child. I do not want sex. I hate the thought of kissing and sex has never been an interest to me nor have I been sexually "turned on". I have never been in a true relationship before and it is because as much as I have really liked the guys I have always known I would not want sex with them and I never wanted to put them through that so I fake disinterest.
It also hurts that no one seems to understand me. I told my mother and her first comment was "are you telling me your gay because I am fine if you are". I should have been touched at her unconditional love but all I could feel was the pain of the misunderstanding. I explained many ways but she still doesn't understand.. so I went back to pretending it was okay and that I may one day find a boyfriend. I told my dad and he cried immediately. He loves me with all his heart but all he has ever wanted for me was to fall in love and know what it is to be loved in return. I bet he knows as much as I do how difficult that will be for me. My friends know (at least my close friends). They were all very supportive but they do not understand... they are clearly baffled by me and I do not blame them since I am baffled at myself.
I am going to cut it off at that for now. I will share more later with different topics. I hope everyone has a good night.
river152 22-25, F 6 Responses 1 Jan 27, 2013