To Feel Alone

Hello, I have just joined here and I just wanted to get myself out here. I am asexual and have always been very sure and often times proud of this. For some reason lately it is beginning to bother me quite a bit. I think it is because I do find myself wanting a relationship and the companionship that comes with it. I do have a sense of asthetics for people and find myself getting crushes on men that are conventionally good looking. I do want a husband one day and I most definitely know I want a child. I do not want sex. I hate the thought of kissing and sex has never been an interest to me nor have I been sexually "turned on". I have never been in a true relationship before and it is because as much as I have really liked the guys I have always known I would not want sex with them and I never wanted to put them through that so I fake disinterest.

It also hurts that no one seems to understand me. I told my mother and her first comment was "are you telling me your gay because I am fine if you are". I should have been touched at her unconditional love but all I could feel was the pain of the misunderstanding. I explained many ways but she still doesn't understand.. so I went back to pretending it was okay and that I may one day find a boyfriend. I told my dad and he cried immediately. He loves me with all his heart but all he has ever wanted for me was to fall in love and know what it is to be loved in return. I bet he knows as much as I do how difficult that will be for me. My friends know (at least my close friends). They were all very supportive but they do not understand... they are clearly baffled by me and I do not blame them since I am baffled at myself.

I am going to cut it off at that for now. I will share more later with different topics. I hope everyone has a good night.
river152 river152
22-25, F
5 Responses Jan 27, 2013

Youth is a great time to meet lots of people and make a lot of friends. You can get a lot of companionship from friends. If one of your friends wants to move things to a sexual level, you may feel willing to try or you may continue to feel no desire. The important thing is to be honest with yourself and other people and express how you really feel.

I really liked your comment. The message is great and exactly what I wish most people felt.... at the same time I have done this and it goes badly for me. I make guy friends and we get to be good friends. I have not been honest about being asexual, but I have let them know I am not interested in them (not attackingly or abrupt or anything). Yet at some point they always end up "professing their love" for me and I end up having to let them down... the friendship tends to end there as they are either too embarrassed/awkward to continue being my friend or they were *** holes to start with and don't want to be my friend anymore if there is no possibility of sex (which only really happened twice). I am not a mean person, I'm usually too nice... but now days I avoid friendships with guys altogether as it hurts to lose friends.

Hello! I don't know you and you don't know me. But what I know is that you are very young and still have time to live, see and experiment lots of things. I think the most important for you is to be open mind and open heart. Life is made to be enjoyed in all domains.

Desire is part of life. We all desire something or, in fact, lots of things! In all domains! Including sex. It is possible that you never felt any sexual desire, I believe you. But you are so young! I think you just need to feel love with a man and if you do, desire will come, sooner or later.

I think you should know yourself better and make choices according to your feelings and interests. If you don't have any desire toward sexuality, maybe you don't need to. Everything is possible today, including having a baby without making love and even without having a husband.

You seem to be a very beautiful woman and I'm sure many men would be interested in dating you. Listen to your heart and may you find joy and hapiness. Do not let anybody tell you what to think and do.


Like another commenter I don't have anything to add, but thank you for sharing it. I understand what you are describing. And you have helped me to understand a friend better too. Thank you!

I am glad I can help as you have helped by simply giving your kind words. I really appreciate it!

river152 if you are not interested in sex u must not marry.because according to vedas(perfect knowledge) sex life is the basis of marriage, i also dnt like sex as it is a sign of lust but sex for producing God consciouss children is good and is not considered as lusty for pleasure is illict sex. so you dnt like it may isckon and see there are many people who live without marriage and sex contact them they are the most inteligent people in the world according to me.they will help you i assure you

Thank you for sharing :) I don't really have anything to say, but I hope you'll feel better knowing that we understand. Peace out x

It still means a lot. It is interesting how powerful just saying "we understand" is, thank you.