Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Why Don't I Want It?

I don't want any sex.  When I was young, I thought I would want to to have sex when I grew up, just like most people.  Now, I isolate myself from everyone.  Just like I always did.  I was always ashamed to let anyone know me too well for fear of them knowing this about me.  I've dated a bunch of times and even tried sex a few times.  I hope that "finding that special someone" will be the key for me, because I don't ever want to just do it and end up disappointed again.  Or maybe: How does one who doesn't want sex unlock this great pleasure that sex offers to others?  It's in the mind, somewhere, I'm sure.  I wish I could find it.

God, that sounds so pathetic!!

 

iconax iconax 26-30, M 22 Responses Aug 20, 2007

Your Response

Cancel

I didn't know I was the only one out there, I feel almost exactly the same. I have never had an ****** from sex, while I wish I could experience such a pleasure with someone I fear it may never happen. I also don't think I feel that "attraction" with anyone. It doesn't mean I don't want a relationship or children one day, because I do. I am just saying I have never derived anything meaningful out of sex or felt that deeper attraction to someone.

sometimes it just takes the right person to wake up those feelings it may be due to an imbalance in your body it may be do to something that happened to you as a child a fear

sex is many things

Sex is simply the biological means of reproduction in humans and all mammals. There is nothing desirable or glamorous about sex and nobody should be ashamed to not want it, including you and me (yes, I too am asexual). There's a good side to this, it gives you a free pass to **** people off by rejecting them :D *evil grin*

lmfao.

It\'s my favorite pastime. \"Hey yo girlie wanna get hot tonight? I know you want this capital D.\" Response: \"No thanks, I don\'t sleep with ugly pathetic losers who live in mommy\'s basement blogging on the Interwebz.

Sex is Not the foundation of a caring, loving relationship. Yes it may be nice to include but it is not the basis for a strong loving commitment to another. No matter how good they are in Bed if I can't trust them then there no relationship. Be yourself, yes, it is not easy but persevere you must--its about you and you alone, there is no one who you will ever be more intimate with, get to know yourself and build upon your strengths. Don't worry about the might-be's, this is now and move forward.

People seem to assume that being sexual or not being sexual is a choice. It isnt. For example as a male I cannot have sex because nobody arouses me. Do I function sexually, yes. can i ever begin to explain to anyone that i want a relationship, but not a sexual one? Sure I can explain, but they dont understand. Why should they? So nothing ever gets to a relationship. And the years drift by in absolute loneliness, when you really hate being alone. You hate being alone because it feels un natural, like there is always something missing. Eventually life itself becomes a meaningless existance. Is there a choice? Not if you have read and understood this post

<p>Go to www.asexuality.org. Plenty of asexuals there, but also plenty of disillusioned sexuals, who don't know how they got themselves into a loveless relationship. I say loveless, because "sex" isn't what they want, but the complete and total manifestation of love, which is lovemaking/sexual intercourse. No pun intended, but lovemaking is the climax of a loving relationship, that intimate bond and indescribable closeness. People do change, but only if they want to and decide to themselves. Some decide that a physical relationship no longer holds any attraction for them. It may not have always been that way, but it became that way. Some decide that a physical relationship is worth trying, because it seems to mean so much to the other. Maybe they decide it is a good thing after all. Maybe not. Perhaps it is possible to have a non-sexual relationship and still feel the incredible closeness and bond from a physical, lovemaking relationship. Having experienced it, though, all I know is the deep sense of loss and emptyness from having it taken away from me. Better to have loved and lost it than to have never loved..?</P>

"Lovemaking/sexual intercourse" is the "complete and total manifestation of love" to YOU. To another person, for example an asexual person, the complete and total manifestation of love looks completely different. Please speak for yourself, and don't make assumptions about other people based on your own preferences.

In my post, I was talking specifically about disillusioned sexuals in a loveless relationship, not asexuals. But I take your point. I suspect there are plenty of sexuals who don't care as much about love as they do about sex!

Thank you noreen 10,I couldn't have put it better myself :)

Again, I thought I was clear that I was describing DISILLUSIONED SEXUALS and NOT TALKING ABOUT ASEXUALS. And I thought I gave a clear description of how SEXUALS feel about the lack of a sexual relationship. And I thought I clearly stated that perhaps it is possible to have a non-sexual relationship and still feel the incredible closeness and bond from a physical, lovemaking relationship.

So, noreen 10 and SunnyAotearoa, I guess I must apologize, because I still don't understand how my message left you with the impressions you took away from my post. Unless you never read past the third sentence.

''No pun intended, but &gt;&gt;lovemaking&lt;&lt; is the climax of a &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;loving&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt; relationship, that intimate bond and indescribable closeness''

This particular sentence came across as though you are stating it as a fact, when for many people in a group like this, that is not the fact at all :) :)

It comes across as though you are saying that anyone who doesn't enjoy a close sexual bond is incapable of feeling a deep spiritual bond of indescribable closeness with another human being who they are in love with.

As an asexual person, I can say that for ME, the opposite is true. For me, the ONLY way to feel that 'indescribable closeness' is when you stimulate each others minds and spirits, not each others sexual organs.

Just because asexuals do not enjoy sex, that does not mean that two asexual people in a &gt;&gt;&gt;loving&lt;&lt;&lt; relationship are missing out on that 'indescribable closeness' that sexual people feel during love-making, we just experience it in other ways.


''Perhaps it is possible to have a non-sexual relationship and still feel the incredible closeness and bond from a physical, lovemaking relationship. Having experienced it, though, all I know is the deep sense of loss and emptyness from having it taken away from me. Better to have loved and lost it than to have never loved..?''
It does kind of come across from this paragraph like you are inferring that asexuals only don't know how close that feeling is, because you think we have never experienced it. I know you weren't intending it to sound that way, but that is how it came across for me anyway :)

\"Just because asexuals do not enjoy sex, that does not mean that two asexual people in a &gt;&gt;&gt;loving&lt;&lt;&lt; relationship are missing out on that \'indescribable closeness\' that sexual people feel during love-making, we just experience it in other ways.\"

Your last sentence makes my point precisely - \"we just experience it in other ways\".

3 More Responses

you need to have some blood levels checked if they are fine just go on with life till the right person comes along<br />
it mayhave to do with a bad realtions ship being hurt<br />
<br />
but there is more the sex in this world i am sorry to say<br />
<br />
i loved my wife very much and we made love all the time but sex due to medical condtions was very had

With great respect you've misunderstood.

At its simplest, Asexuals (in the human sense) have no sexual desire but they are still capable of love and being loved. It's nothing to do with "blood levels" (whatever they are - did you mean blood sugar levels or something), nothing to do with the "right" person coming along, and nothing to do with being hurt in the past.

The last may deter someone from forming intimate relationships again, but that's not asexuality either.

Yes there is more than sex in this world - far more - but that is nothing to be sorry about. It would be a dull, empty existence if reproduction were all there is.

Your last sentence caught my eye. Yes, reproduction is not the only thing that life is about. But it can't be denied that without reproduction, there is no life. I am a sexual, not an asexual. I can't comprehend life without an intimate, physical relationship - although it is the life I am now living with my now-asexual wife. I used to think that, without reproduction, the number of asexuals would eventually decline. However, people like my wife somehow end up getting into a relationship with a sexual and have children, then become asexual. Meaning that my children may very well be/become asexual. Which means the possibility of no grandchildren or, frankly, more generations of disfunctional relationships. Had I known all of this before I got married, even though I love my children greatly, I seriously doubt I would have gotten married or had children. Just like if I had found out I had a terrible cancer tha could be passed to my children, I would hate to have them to end up in an empty relationship like mine.

You've got it all wrong. Just because you're not sexual and asexual doesn't mean you'll be devoid of the desire to want children. I wanted children once, but I changed my mind. Well, actually, I'm still kind of deciding.

But if you are asexual, isn't sex out of the question? Are you talking about adoption?

Or is it that you hope to marry a sexual, in hopes of having sex only long enough to have children, and then never have sex again? The latter is what I believe explains my wife's position, like I mentioned above.

Yah, the latter. Only sex for children.

Asexual people still want and have children, just as homosexual men and women still want and have children - asexuals are not loveless, emotionless robots.

OK. But please, for the sake of the sexuals in the world, PLEASE make it clear to your future spouse that intercourse is SOLELY for the purpose of having children and NOT FOR SEXUAL PLEASURE and that fact WILL NEVER CHANGE! If you love your spouse and they love you, AND you are on the same page sexually, I wish you all the best.

However, if you are not clear about your intentions up front, and you marry a sexual, you may very well commit your spouse to a life of misery and frustration. All it takes is a look at the "I live in a sexless marriage" thread on EP to see how desparate and forelorn sexless people are in these situations. In spite of both spouses being loving, emotional.

I know that, but still, thanks for telling me. That's why it will be hard for me to find a relationship that suits me, it's also why I might not be in a relationship at all, they're too complicated. lol. I believe in purely platonic relationships, but a lot of people don't believe in that. But I have no problem with being single.

All the best to you then!

6 More Responses

its good to be asexual..less problems

Answering Iconax more directly, none of us can be what we are not. <br />
<br />
I have no idea if "it's all in the mind" or not, but it will be disappointing if you think you should experience whatever this "great pleasure" is. A self-fulfilling prophesy.<br />
<br />
If you don't derive any pleasure from making love, no amount of thinking you should do, will work. If anything it will make things worse because you'll be worrying about that rather than simply relaxing and concentrating on pleasing your partner. <br />
<br />
You would have to be honest. The last thing either of you want is the woman thinking there must be something wrong with her because you are trying to please only her. She would expect a mutual response. Nor do you want her thinking you regard making love as a mere chore or bodily function. It is - but it's hardly a romantic view of it, and may make her think you don't really value her.<br />
<br />
There was a programme on the radio about human asexuality not long ago, and it explained that as with sexuality generally there are no clear-cut distinctions. Surprisingly perhaps many asexuals do have sexual relationships. Some even marry and have families. I imagine the secret is that honesty - being able to please a partner even though she knows that giving pleasure is our own pleasure, not the function itself.<br />
<br />
I do remember one of my girlfriends was rather worried because I didn't seem to enjoy it, and it was hard to explain that my pleasure was in making her satisfied. The greatest danger is that she could think you see it as a chore, for then she might think, "He doesn't really love me", or something like "I can't be attractive enough for him".<br />
<br />
I think we too often worry ourselves by comparison. We don't have to be "just like most people", like the crowd in the "Life of Brian" film when Brian tells them they "are all individuals". Do they all lead glossy-magazine-quality sex-lives? Probably not! <br />
<br />
Whatever happens, don't isolate yourself from others.

I, too, at 59 find myself wanting more of a non-sexual life as well. I was always "Different" but after much research and reading up I believe I have been able to define who I really am---Asexual/Androgyne. Its fine with me and I don't push it but instead when "Inquiring minds Must know" I present it as it is is, this confounds and confuses most but unless they want to understand me as a person and read up, I just let it go and figure they landed in my world by mistake and let it go by. I desire another to share my days with but they must or should reasonate on my frequency in order for our relationship to work(out). I will not be something that I am not in order to have a relationship---Dishonest to both me and and the other person and neither of us needs to live a lie. I am a rare combo. I have not really have linked up with anyone--its understandable. People don't really understand and I try to be gentle with them and as I said its just a very rare combo I have.

A difficulty asexuals, or indeed heterosexuals unable to form relationships or who find reproductive anatomy & processes deeply unpleasant, face is the immense pressure from society at large, relatives, friends, Uncle Tom Cobbley & all, to "find someone", or to have a "fulfilling sex life" etc. Whatever the latter is..<br />
<br />
I was never married, but so hurt by a betrayal that I tried to brainwash myself for several years into destroying my libido, and to some extent succeeded though the old instincts returned for <br />
the two final relationships of my life.<br />
<br />
Now I think I am becoming asexual, or at least developing an aversion to the physical acts for which at 59 I am too old anyway. <br />
<br />
Lack of copulation is not important. If people are unhappy over it maybe it's because we're all so much persuaded otherwise by commerce, the entertainments, fertility-trade etc. And by seeing happy friends and family aorund us.<br />
<br />
What does matter is potential loneliness. If we cannot find a partner, for whatever reason, our social lives are immediately cramped considerably, for outside of specialist groups like sports clubs, couples socialise only with couples. Also there is no fun in going to shows, films, gigs, on cruises etc alone.<br />
<br />
What matters in the end should not be our ability at or desire for a mere bodily function, but how we love others, and be loved in return, on a far higher plane than any grubby under-the-satin "exercises"..

Not liking sex doesn't make you defective, or wrong, or less worthy of life and love. But until you realize that you won't be happy with yourself. Maybe it's just a phase that you don't need to push, or maybe it's how you are. We asexuals are here, we may be the minority but if you are indeed asxual you are not alone.

Don't stress over this. Maybe it's the fact you are asexual, maybe it's just a phase, or maybe you just need to be in a fully trusting and loving romantic relationship before you even feel like doing anything like that. Or it could even be a medical problem, which you should talk to your GP about. Only you know, think about your past, think about why you don't want it. But just know it's OK to not want it. Many of us are like you. Don't read too much into pop culture!!!

Rise above your animal nature. There are more things out there that are enjoyable and spritually-moving. You will find what you are looking for. But, it might not be inside of another person. Who knows? Wait and see...

These comments make so much sense....if only there were more people like us.

Theres more to a relationship than sex---really!!-- A good friend, a companion, a trusted soul is so much more valueable than a tumble in bed. If a relationship is ba<x>sed on sex then it isn't much of a relationship, it just fulfilling the needs of the flesh while excluding the heart and the soul. We all get older the sex desire (for most) goes down but the fires of passion of love in the soul and heart can remain until we draw our last breath. Look at some elderly couples they still hold hands and gaze into the others eyes, to me that is worth far more and longer lasting than the greatest night in bed.

If you are not into sex then that is who you are. Do not try to force yourself to like it. If you do meet the special someone then be up front with them. Tell them right away that you are not really into sex so they know what they are getting into. I agree there is more to life than sex but if you are a person who likes sex and the other person in the relationship does not like sex then there are some serious issues. Accept yourself for who you are. You are not a bad person because you do not like sex. Find someone else out there who feels the same way (and there are quite a few of them) and make a good life for yourself. The most important thing is to be yourself. Stop worrying about why you don't like it and experience the rest of life. There is so much out there to enjoy!!

I love all the stuff in between sex. Like after sex the cuddling, the touching, kissing. Sex is just the icing on the cake. Some people don't care for icing. But they love the cake. I just like a little bit of icing and I'm happy for a long time.

iconax -- There is nothing wrong with being asexual. The estimate is that 1% of the population is asexual. It doesn't mean you are defective or missing out on something. It's just the way you are.<br />
<br />
There is much to living a good, fullfilling life. Sex doesn't have to be part of it.

sex is the greatest ex<x>pression of self,<br />
it can be an art,<br />
it can be to fulfill hidden desire,<br />
but most importantly it is the bonding between a male and female, the more sucess and goals you reach in life the better the sex between the two.

Depends on what kind. Though, really, if you aren't getting off on it- it might not be the "special someone" thing. Y' ever tried getting yourself off? might help you figure out what oyu like.