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I Am Ashamed Of My Behavior

I mistreated a person horribly for several years, and now this person is gone, and there is nothing I can do. I would give anything to turn back the time and go back and do everything differently. I have been suffering from depression my whole life and hated myself for nothing, and now I realize that I have an actual solid reason to hate myself, and there is absolutely no hope left. I cannot believe I have been so blind with anger all this time. I am not religious, but I hope that this person is looking down at me right now and sees how sorry I am. It is unbearable, but I do not deserve forgiveness.
sheldont sheldont 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 16, 2010

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The mere fact that you have demonstrated remorse and shame for your actions back then demonstrates how much you have grown as a person. I am ashamed of my own behavior for certain things and have no right to cast any judgment, be it good or bad. But within you, I see a light of goodness underneath the guilt. Though you may never forgive yourself for what you did, I want to tell you that I believe in your heart and its goodness. I know how unbearable the pain of shame is. Other than forgiveness or redemption, there's nothing that can heal the hole it rips in your heart. But you are being redeemed as we speak, by condemning your previous behavior and looking to atone. Unfortunately, you can't change what you've done in the past. But you are taking the right steps by learning from your previous mistakes. Continue growing. Use this experience to better your behavior and to also not judge others who will inevitably commit similar mistakes and feel their own need for forgiveness later. And if you do that, if you strive to be a better person, I promise that you will find forgiveness. I will try to do the same for myself, though it's a very lonely and very hard road. My heart feels like it could give out at anytime. But I'll try to be stronger if you do. Be well my friend. I'm here to hold your hand...if you want.