I Wish I Wasn't This Way

All my past events have made me who I am, but only for the worse.

Bangladeshi's have a reputation of being "poor" and "smelly" in Kuwait as many of them work as labor workers. I am from Bangladesh, and I lived in Kuwait for 11 years. I clearly remember the first day of school. I was 4-5, and all those I was encompassed by distanced themselves because of where I am from. As I started growing up, I made a friend or two. In 7th grade, I still faced racism but comparatively less. I was accepted for who I was, but I had more personality than I ever did. In 8th grade, I made friends from other schools online but I was dishonest about myself. But as a result of those lies, I made more friends than I ever did. But, what's the point of lying if you eventually get caught? I was living in the moment and too stupid to think of the repercussions. I started dating a friend online, and planned on meeting in the flesh one day. Guess what happened? He looked at me but didn't even come close. Later on I found out that he thought I was Indian looking and ugly. I lost him as a boyfriend and a friend, and I lost his friends as well because they thought I was "ugly" as well and possibly half Indian. From them onward, I thought of myself as an ugly person. Later on, I dated another friend online from his school. He disregarded my past and never asked me about it. Unfortunately, we were having our issues and at that time, my father had gotten a job in Saudi Arabia so we had to move out. I lied about where I was heading to all my friends in that school because I thought it sounded cooler. They wondered what I looked like then and if I got any prettier, but what did I do? I showed them a picture of myself. I lied, I lied and I lied. One of my friends from that school got to know and he decided he should "bust" me, so he and my other friend busted me. They questioned me, but I was too much of a coward to admit the truth. As a result, he spread the word and I lost ALL my friends from that school, including my boyfriend. We had a massive fight, and from then on I never talked to him or any of the friends I had in that school again. It kind of hurts when I look back at my experience in Kuwait because none of it was a good one. I will always be that liar...It hurts to think about it because if I handled things differently, I would have had all those friends. I don't like who I am today and I struggle with low-esteem. I'm not bright and don't have enough personality to attract friends. I'm always that girl who says "yes" to everything, get used and pushed over, can't stand up to myself, and never have the confidence to defend myself. I wish I wasn't this way...
fsa123 fsa123
2 Responses May 23, 2012

To me what you are describing is a natural process of growing up and discovering who you are - who you really are and not what you think everybody wants you to be..... take a look at how you may have responded if you had been the other people in this tale. I would say that in all honesty none of them were your "friends" - that you have formed a friendship without a person seeing you and when they did they shunned you because of your race! - how shallow of that person. Take a look in the mirror - who do you see - yourself. That is what you should always be... I bet you are warm and witty and a lovely person - just be yourself because that is the only person you can be!

Honey, it's okay. we all make mistakes, but you can't dwell on them. You have to find people who like you for who you are. I wish you the best of luck, your a wonderful person on the inside and out. Just remember that.