I Feel Like Nothing I Used To Be.

My life is just this constant roller coaster. Things were great until I was about 9, then the disease hit. Statistically, around 50-80 per 100,000 people in terms of new cases per year. It gave me right then and there contact with an underlying cause of my probable mortality, which was 30% higher now. Every single dream was lost, especially the one closest to me; I had already been studying and training in concepts since the age of 5. I'd never be able to make my dad proud. That was all I wanted. The ability to leave the earth behind for just an instant, or at least some part of that.

Then the lying and deceit to my parents, their near-split, constantly getting caught in the middle, becoming a *********** addict since my confidence was stunted pretty hard or maybe I was just... ugly. Broken heart after broken heart; why the hell did so many girls want to get to know me, then never talk to me after seeing me in person? I look in the mirror every day and make sure I don't look like I'd hurt anyone but apparently it isn't the case. I did everything to try and fit in but let's face it. I'm a second class citizen, regardless of my level of societal contribution. It would be nice to not face racism but dealing with so many years of it leaves one exhausted. Moving from "school where I have friends who would have my back in a fight" to "school where rich white kids will constantly ridicule you" wasn't a nice transition either. Hope that bump in pay with a shorter commute was worth the seizures coming back. And it wasn't money we needed, you greedy *****. Blame everything on dad coming to America, you're ******* ridiculous.

****, why did I opt to go to that high school, could have made a much better decision... Anyway these years didn't matter, besides the lack of actual friends, zero confidence, bullying, a consistently worsening neurodegenerative disorder, my family learning "I wasn't perfect" and overreacting to the point that I felt worthless, their goddamned excuses for friends, and the fact that it was incredibly obvious they were only together because my father was basically obligated to take care of his ****** up kid, and my mom wasn't going to do it alone. You might say "oh so what, you can't blame everything on your parents". Well, sometimes you can when they almost literally facilitate you being alone or constantly feeling judged, and culturally speaking you can't do a thing about it. Friends come and go, as they say here. It's a little harder when you're a different race and family is 8000 miles away-- the only people who would never judge you no matter what.

So working on the BS degree. Broken heart after broken heart and I don't know why. Music was my only solace and it was how people began to know and recognize me as more "normal", whatever that is. Best years of my life though. These I wouldn't trade for the world. Like before it would have been nice to have found some treatment but nothing was working, and some days things just got really bad. Just bursting into tears while trying to study for finals. I still do this so ******* much and I hate it. It feels like years of my life where I could be happy just melt away.

Then I decide to take the path of a true scientist and learn some amazing things. Knowing I did something worthwhile in my field made me feel amazing but God I hated that place. Such great friends but some of the worst people I will ever know. My own neighbor and his friends robbed me during the lowest point of my research. I was having seizures in my sleep from the pure paranoia, anger, fear... I was seeing a therapist at the time but felt more like dying after each session. My girlfriend who I finally met during my undergraduate was cheating on me too. She wanted a provider, and it wasn't me, but I guess it's me now. Lying ******* *****, that I've never loved more than anyone in my life, even though you make me feel ******* awful sometimes.

Guess what world? No one wants an epileptic. Ever. Especially a minority. Is it any wonder after all this ******* **** I now have a benzodiazepine addiction since that's the only thing that stops the attacks, I'm smoking constantly, I'm drinking liquor at every chance imaginable, and I'm dating an ex-prostitute while maintaining my *********** addiction? For ****'s sake I have publications in high impact research journals and a MS degree. But it doesn't seem to have gotten me a job.

You know what I really wanted to do? Go to my local high school. Maintain my friends and build so much confidence. Take the hardest classes possible. Get into the same school with the same conditions. Stick to engineering. Talk to girls and put myself out there. Take a break to work in industry, build connections, and start doing research. Don't ever get emotionally attached; learn to have emotionless sex for the sake of building a sense of male pride in knowing I can win the girl of my dreams one day, instead of this girl who I both love and despise, who can easily break my heart because I STILL don't have the confidence. I'd never trade the music even for a second but I'd try hard to be a lot closer to my own race and peers. Most were really nice but I could never give myself a chance because I hated everything I was. I just always felt like a burden. Which is why I feel constantly undeserving and unwanted. It's why I'm out of confidence and energy to move forward. It's why I'm succumbing to addiction and vices. It's why I got fired at an old job, for stealing. But that answered a question I'd been asking for 17 years. Got out of that one lucky but my integrity just dissolved.

Even worse, I belittle others' problems because they aren't affected by mortality. It's my way of saying "hey, things could be worse", to be honest. But my brain is inside my head, responsible for every good thing I have done or could do for humanity, and also plotting to kill me with every new synaptic connection that is made; every new experience, every new piece of knowledge, it all just makes it worse. Death is inevitable but goddammit I'd rather be happy in my final years. And I'm in my mid 20s. It just feels stupid to say half of what I do, or break down like I do sometimes. But I'm essentially just a human being trying to make the world a little better for the child I'll adopt, assuming I live long enough for it, or don't off myself in the meantime. In the meantime-- I can't fathom why stupidity begets confidence but I'll make sure that kid has a better life and outlook on it than I did. Adoption because there's no way I'm passing on my genes. I'm ******* defective, return to manufacturer.

For now I just want a stable job, and to have friends again... I can't deal with this...
nvs1030 nvs1030
Dec 4, 2012