I Hate This Ashamed Feeling

I just feel ashamed of myself. I remember saying in the 10th grade that I was ashamed to be black. When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I wouldn't be friends with me, if I was someone else. I sometimes wish I was white so that white boys will be more attracted to me. I can't take jokes and I take myself too seriously. I get offended very easily and I wish that I didn't have that emotion. I fear confrontation and telling people how I feel right after an incident happens. I obsess over things instead of letting them go. At one point in my life, I thought I was gay. I have anxiety and I have a phobia of vomit/vomiting/seeing others vomit. When I'm having an anxiety attack, I scratch myself. I'm sick of feeling like this. People always say that I am unapproachable, or I look mad/bitchy when my face is relaxed. I am afraid of people and am not a people person. I let people walk all over me. I'm insecure. I feel like I have improved since high school on these things, but sometimes it just feels like I go 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I don't like this up and down feeling all the time. Why can't I just be happy? I know it's hard, but honestly I can't let people get away with **** anymore. It hurts my dignity and I feel taken advantage of. I'm selfish and I am envious of others. I don't necessarily act on this envy, but I am also very competitive. What the hell is wrong with me? I want to be happy. I feel like I should be happy right now. I have 2 parents that love me, theyre divorced, but they are both still in my life. I have a roof over my head. Were struggling because of the economy, but my mom is working her hardest. I procrastinate studying, projects, and then I go to dance class in the morning tired and grumpy. It's like, I like everything that is bad for me. I am afraid to drive home. I am ashamed when people point out my mistakes. I don't just feel embarassed, I feel ashamed. I am jealous of my two friends friendship and I feel like one of my friends is trying to still my best friend away from me. I am self-centered and sometimes think the world revolves around me. I am rude and don't say hi to people sometimes, but thats also because I am shy. I am scared of boys. I have never even kissed a boy, let alone had a boyfriend. I am 19. I'm actually pretty open to my friends about most of this stuff, but to me that is not satisfying enough. I want to be around someone who will understand where I am coming from. Those are the kinds of friends I want to have. I am a little bit of a control freak. Sometimes when the conversation is not about me, has nothing to do with me, or is not something I'm interested in, I don't want to listen. Does that make me narcissistic? How can people just go about their lives thinking that they are okay just the way they are? While they are actually really lazy, say offensie racial things, selfish, inconsiderate, and nonchalant about everything except anything that affects them directly? I don't understand.

expressTHRUdance expressTHRUdance
18-21
1 Response Feb 23, 2009

You are who your are no one can change that. If you can't respect yourself how can you expect others to respect you. Be yourself and don't let anyone put you down