Why Did I Do It

Today I am ashamed and struggling.

I have been seeing my girl friend for 2.5 years, we are both in recovery. She as two boys  aged 10 and 15. I have really really tried my best for them, emotionally financially and spiritually.

 

My girl friend mother has always had a lot of negativity towards me, which I don’t deserve. She has through out the relationship made negative remarks about me behind my back. I have found it extremely difficult to be civil / friendly towards her when she clearly hates me. But I have managed to keep my mouth shut.

 

Me and my GF wanted to have our own baby,,after a year she became pregnant (2 months ago). We waited until she was 2 months pregnant to tell everyone, I told my mother and my nieces and they where delighted. But when my girlfriend told her mother she was pregnant she exploded and was verbally abusive to my girl friend. She made some very negative and hurtful comments about me.

 

When my girlfriend told me what her mother had said I was angry and hurt. I have tried so hard to be good to everyone, her mother included. I knew it was the wrong thing to confront her , but I felt I needed to say some thing , so I rang her up and told her that I was very upset with her and it was wrong the way she spoke to her daughter, she immediately started saying who are you to ring me up and tell me I am wrong, and then screamed down the phone “get a job”.( I don’t work, I was in an accident years ago and have a pension due to injuries.) I was shocked by my girl friends mothers anger.

 

Even though I wanted to say more to my girl friends mother , I didn’t. My girl friend lives in the same town as her mother and the next day I drove there to see my girlfriend. When I arrived at my girl friends house we had a fight , I think we were both angry over her mothers remarks. I stormed out . As was leaving the town I saw my girl friends mother out side her house, before I could stop myself I had stopped my car and had gotten out. I told my girl friends mother that she would regret talking to my girl friend and me like that , a shouting much started , I said some very bad things and I called her the worst thing that could be imagined . (it’s a very bad word and will not repeat it on here).

 

I got into my car and I knew I had done the wrong thing , I knew that I had just become the “bad guy” she always said I was. I pulled in a mile or so outside the town and had my head in my hands. I rang my girlfriend and told her what I had done , she was devastated. I had a counsellor that lived nearby and I decided to ring her , lucky she answered right then and there. I told her that I was in trouble and needed advice , I told her what had happened and what I had said. She told me to ring my girl friends mother and apologise immediately , that was the last thing I wanted to do , but I am in recovery and its says that “when we were wrong we promptly admitted it “ . She also advised me to go back and try and sort out things with my girl friend.

 

I rang the girl friends mother right then and apologised , she said she didn’t accept my apology and that I was never to come near her house again. But I felt I had done the right thing, The phone then rang and it was my girl friends brother, his mother had contacted him telling him what I said , he threatened to kill me, for what I had said , I let him vent his anger ,,in the end he said you better ring up and apologise to my mother and I said to him I already had ,,he wasn’t sure how to reply to that ,,but I got a few more threats and then he hung up.

 

I went back to my girl friends house and apologised to her.

 

I feel I have let my self down so bad ,, if only I hadn’t said any thing. Her mother has switched from screaming down the phone to playing the victim and telling everyone how I abused her. I am unable to sleep and I am obsessing about the whole thing continuously. I feel sick. I cannot eat. I feel I am unable to deal with my girl friends family , I feel like staying away from my girl friend even though she is pregnant . I feel I’m not able deal with it all. I’m disgusted with myself for putting myself in this situation. I’m in a very bad place. I just cant believe that I have done the very thing that I knew I shouldn’t have done.

intothewest intothewest
41-45, M
Feb 22, 2010