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Asian Parents Forbidding Interracial Relationships

 

I am a 16-year-old Asian female living in the US. My parents were born in Vietnam and moved here about 30 years ago.
A month ago, I decided to tell my parents the truth: I have a boyfriend. 
My boyfriend is black and we've been in a strong relationship for 4 months, but we've been close friends for about 3 years. (My parents have met him and talked to him briefly before when we were just friends.) I had hidden my love life from my parents until that confession because I knew they would not accept any boyfriend I had, simply because they don't want me to date until college. When I told them, of course they didn't approve. They refused to accept our relationship and they refused to let me go out anywhere with him. My boyfriend's mom knows about our relationship and is painfully aware that "asian people dislike black people," so she has suggested that my boyfriend move on because it's not morally right to go against my parents' wishes. My boyfriend agrees with his mom, but has promised he won't leave me for this. 
I have had two serious talks with my parents about this relationship. I asked them why they wouldn't let me go out with him. My mom said that I'm too young to be in a relationship and too young to get so emotionally involved with someone. She said a lot about "my pride" as a girl (which basically means don't get pregnant) and how "American boys are wild" and will "do crazy things when they get bored." I told her calmly that I think I am mature and responsible enough at this age to handle a relationship, and that I know that I have to be careful and protect myself......but she stuck to her argument that I am too young and naive and American boys are reckless. Then my dad said that it is impossible to concentrate on both my studies and a relationship at the same time, and that in college, I could either focus on academics or go live with my relationship (threat of disowning me?). I replied that I am still responsible in my studies: I have maintained a perfect GPA for the last 6 years, my SAT scores are very good, and I plan on going to a good college for at least a bachelor's degree. My dad replied that those are empty words and that he knows I won't be able to concentrate on my education if I'm in a relationship. The second talk I had with just my mom. I tried to tell her that this relationship isn't as serious business as she thinks and that all I wanted was to be able to go to a movie or to the park with my boyfriend every once in a while. She refused. She said that going to the movies with only him means that we're more than just friends, and that that is too much involvement for me. Then she said "Also, we'd prefer Asian...Our family, we don't want dark-skinned blood.......Spanish, black, jewish, we won't accept into our family." I asked about my brother's girlfriend, who is Jewish (and they accept her perfectly fine). My mom said "But your brother's older than 21. He can do whatever he wants to do and make his own decisions." ......Is it just me or did that argument make no sense? I asked her if she was worrying because she did not trust my boyfriend. I told her that my boyfriend's mom wants to talk to her and that she should talk to my boyfriend to know that they are good, responsible people too. My mom refused, saying that there's no need to talk to either of them because my relationship isn't serious/real. At some point, she said "You can survive without him, right?" and I said "My face would look like this all the time." My face was streaked with tears. My mom said that that just means I'm already too involved with my boyfriend emotionally and that I should be pulled out immediately. Then my mom went on to talk about how my family loves me and how much my parents do for me. She questioned whether I was happy in this family, and whether I was foolishly looking for happiness and love in a relationship because I didn't get enough at home. I told her I am happy in this family and I realize all that she has done for me. She continued talking about how hard she has worked and started tearing up herself. I decided to stop pushing the argument at that point, but it left me with no hope that my parents would ever change their mind or even compromise with me. 
Since I don't want to make my parents even more upset with me, I doubt I will argue my case again. My mom has always said "No relationships until college" and that "When you're 21 you can be free and make your own decisions." I'll be graduating high school in 5 months and out in college in 8 months, but my parents still claim reign over me since I'll be coming back home during breaks and since they'll be paying for most of my college tuition. This whole situation has left me and my boyfriend stuck between a rock and a hard place. We both love each other and have faith that our relationship could last a long time, but we don't have many options now. The options I'm considering now are to either stay together and tell my parents we're just friends again, or split for now and wait for each other until college. Both options come with a large amount of stress. For the first, it'll be difficult to keep it a secret because my parents are suspicious that I will lie to them, not to mention it's still a moral dilemma. My boyfriend's parents will still know about our relationship, which will make it more likely that my parents will see past the lie. For the second option, we will still see each other every day at school and still know that we love each other; it'd cause quite a bit of heartache to be that close and yet not be together. It'd also take a lot of commitment, hope, and faith from both of us. 
I'm still discussing our options with my boyfriend, but it's all very stressing.
My friends agree that my parents are being ridiculous and that they have very little sympathy for me. 

What an unfortunate situation this is....

vivianhkp vivianhkp 16-17 26 Responses Jan 2, 2011

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I wonder where you are now, more than 3 years after you wrote this post, because I am in almost exactly the same situation as you, except I just turned 21. If I could get some advice from someone that has gone through the same thing as me, maybe I would have more hope. Sometimes I feel like the relationship will falter and we won't be able to be together forever. My mother is a single mother too, and anytime I see her hurt I just feel like the guiltiest person on this planet. My boyfriend's family loves me and welcomes me into their home like a daughter, so it kills me even more. Most of the time I just put it aside, because I've been relatively successful at keeping the relationship from my mom. But it's so hard. Those who haven't been through it have NO idea how hard it is, every day, it's at the back of my mind, that even in a free country you can't be with the love of your life. We have also talked about a long-term plan, but sometimes it just gets to hard, whenever I think about it I just don't realize why this has to happen to me. For now, we are going strong, and I am just putting the fact that my mom would rather die than accept our relationship on the back burner, as we both finish up school. Let's just say, it ******* sucks.

I was wondering the exact same thing about the writer. I really wonder if things worked out for her.

As for me, I'm 21 too and having this dilemma with my white boyfriend. As a typical asian girl my age, I'm in an Ivy League and graduating soon. I have hid this secret from my mother for a little over two years pretty well considering I'm in a long distance relationship with him and living at his place for a few months. The more I think about it, yes, the guiltier I am and more impatient about waiting till I grow up and I guess "come out of the closet (?)" (<- asian style!) to her.

I'd like to chat with you and we can talk more about it in a message or something ^^

I know exactly how you feel. I've honestly had to hide my relationships around my parents during high school because I knew they would react like that. I am too, was born in a Vietnamese family. Right now, I'm dating a black man, and I know that race will be an issue if they knew. For now the, they won't know yet, but I do plan on telling them when I'm over 21 and convince that he is a good guy. Even if they reject it, I won't let them break my relationship.

Remember, in the end, your parents might lose the argument. It's you who chooses who you want to love. Not them. As much as your parents say they worked hard to raise you and stuff, they will need to understand that you and them live in completely different culture. They were born to be more close minded, and we are open minded. I completely understand this situation.

Jesus, so much fuss over nothing, in my opinion. You said you have 5 months till you graduate. Just continue your relationship with him and if you guys really love each other, then it will work out on its own. Try to set common plans for college. Have you both decided where you want to enroll? You guys can choose same city and as the college starts, you'll mostly be away from your family. Eventually you will grow in their eyes. Your parents will accept it if you will prove that you both really love each other, and despite everything, managed to be together for such a long time and it is not affecting your studies.

you guys will be fine...you sound very level-headed and mature. Avoid confrontation with your parents, let them know you respect their opinions and leave it at that...dont add any "....buts". If they ask you for your opinion/feelings then just tell them you are happy with your relationship. I get the impression that your parents main concern is not so much race but the possibility of pregnancy interrupting your studies. They were adolescents too at one point and they know that things escalate. The race thing your mom pointed out clearly makes no sense, its a diversion. I bet if you were dating an Asian or white guy she would have a new excuse. But be respectful in discussing this topic, that will help to win them over eventually, rather than confrontation. Make sure your bf is fully aware of the situation and you guys face this together...he should play his part too by being responsible and getting you back home on time etc...

best of luck...

i feel the same way and i'm vietnamese too but my mom is alright with the boyfriend thing but my grandma will get a heart attack... well one day i told my mom i have a boyfriend and my mom was like, no sex and kissing so i just left it alone before she say don't see the boy, cause me and him kissed and my best friend sent me a picture of the time me and my boyfriend . So by the door is my blabber mouth AUNT, i was like excuse me in a formal voice. my aunt took my phone in my room when i left to go to Safeway and showed my grandma a picture of me and my ex-boyfriend kissing and of course... he is black ( not to be racist ) and my grandma lost my trust and that i should never talk to him and never have a phone. So i never really talked to any one after that, i just go straight to my room when i get home and talk to other people... guess who is complaining about quality time?? My grandma and aunt !! so I was like, i am mature to be with a guy and also i don't want to talk to you guys about anything cause i cant trust them anymore. I was amazed that my aunt went to my mom and said " control your child " and left. i was like mom i can explain, i don't want to talk to them and i want to stay in my room as long as i want and i hate quality time. So to this very day i have never talked to my Aunt and Grandma and they are like the gossip group and cause of them... i started cutting myself and said life will get better than now.

It's awful how much my life sounds like this. I'm a senior in around the same time period this was written except my parents are Filipino. My parents say pretty much the exact same things, and it's gotten a little better but they still think I'm going to get pregnant and I'm not allowed to be "serious." I really would like to know what happened after, because I would love advice. There were so many good comments below but then there were some really awful ones that made me angry. Love is love, **** the stereotypes, skin color, and just accept it. People are people, there will always be lazy and terrible people in all races, so stereotyping one is just hypocritical. Don't be a racist. Keep your minds open.

Well I am a white American 40 and my girl friend is full Vietnamese 30. I am the first non Vietnamese she was in a relationship with since she moved to America and got divorced from her x vietnamese husband. Her parents weren't accepting of me at first either and I am fully white. I think that the culture is very hard on thier kids especially females. Fact of the matter is that you are only 16 and if you were my child I don't think I would like you hanging out with a black guy either. You can call me racist but In reality I just have a certain vision of who my daughter ends up with. The difference with me is that I would never under any circumstance threaten to disown my daugher. And if the black guy proves that he loves and adores my daughter then I would have to get over myself. They too may have high expectations for you which even though it may not feel like it at 16, I can tell they care very much for you. At 16 I would not get so hung up on this as you will have more boyfriends before you know it.

I would n't want my daughter dating a stone-age white KKK supremacist like you either.

I totally agree with "Army" and am not racist. Parents are always concerned about their daughters being taken advantage of especially at the age of 16. At that age you have little life experience. Almost all guys will eventually pressure a girl for sex. Statistically, black guys are far more likely to do so as well as get arrested, be unemployed, be murdered, father kids out of wedlock and generally be crappy boyfriends and husbands. Currently 72% of black babies are born out of wedlock. While your boyfriend could be an exception, your parents fears are well founded and based on facts. Why not give Asian guys a chance? In the meantime, take it slow with any guy at age 16. If he proves himself in the long run, then your parents will come around but chances are you will have several more boyfriends before marriage......Or you can ignore what I say and be a baby momma at age 17 with a 1/2 black fatherless child.

Your parents want you to have a good career and enjoy your job everyday you goin to work.This is for your own good, because they knew that they wont be here in the world forever, that once they are gone here. They are happy that you are responsible to your self and finnancially independent. They are happy that your generation has a better future just like what they have done to you.
You should understand that your parents are working hard to give you a better future. for them with out a boyfriend means your attention only focus to your studies and to have more time for family bonding. If you get bored staying at home, go out with your friends.Your parents should be happy to know your friends or ask your parents to go outing , or even find a part time job so you wont get bored and to have some extra money.
Im an asian too. I can relate on some of your your situation. I worked for 3 years to save money for college and to buy a car for daily use. Some says Im lucky that I dont have kids and I dont pay bills because Im living with my parenst, but you are so lucky that your parents are providing all your expenses. I have times that I was attracted to a beautiful girls in school or at work. But since Im not that smart to spent my time on relationship and mystudies together. I never ask a girl to go out with me. I have good friends in schooI to hang out sometimes but I spent more time in studies and once i graduate. Il go find a girlfriend.I believe your parents are not racist they just wanted you to be safe and for you to learn to be become resposible not learnning from a bad exprience.

I can relate to that, not to my parents but to my friend's parents who are very racist and anti west. If I was you I would tell your parents calmly, plain and simple, that if you are making an effort to earn their trust than they should also meet you half way as well. The problem is cultural differences, the way your parents think is the opposite of your logic. Tell them that if you are living in a western society, especially the US, it's more likely or so that you will get involved with a westerner than a native Vietnamese. Also tell them that they should not emphasize someone on their race, instead celebrate the fact that we are all human so it makes no difference on what kind of ethnic person you date. Also just tell them to respect the fact that it was them who chose to come to the US, therefore they should not be judging those who are not Asian, considering they are also a minority group themselves and if they wanted you to date an Asian then they shouldn't have left Vietnam in the first place

You should listen to your parents, they are wise. Many black males carry too much baggage. Education, lack of business, no knowledge of world circumstances. You must look beyond the emotions and look ahead. What about his family, is it a wealthy well to do or have social issues that will embarrass your family. Is there a need for pre-nupes? These are question really both sides should ask, Again don't let emotions get you into something today that will require headaches and money to get you out of tommorrow.

WTF are all you fingers the same on one hand or just "Many" of them.

Lol..do you know how stupid you sound. .ignorance doesn't have a name or a race..lol.i take it your Caucasian"..lol you know African American people are God's chosen people that's why they are the most hated people on this planet..read your bible research it..why do you think African Americans are the most hated ppl by every race..lol you soon will know why..

Trust me honey it's a culture thing I'm fourth generation and my parents still think that way. Here's the ranking chart<br />
Japanese (preffered b/c apparently we're superior to every other race) <br />
other asian (acceptable)<br />
mixed asian+white (ehh)<br />
anything else (hell no)<br />
My mom really wants a go-sei grandchild (5th generation pureblooded Japanese American) Just be your own person my cousins did they're all dating or married to white people. Honestly I prefer asian boys, I like other races too though, but that's my own prefernence not my parents.

wow there is alot going on here. well im a black man and i happen to prefer asian girls and in my opinion i would say go for what you believe is right. i dont understand why so many people accept these crazy stereo types about blacck people. love is love no one can actually tell you not to fall in love. hey if i wasnt so shy i would try to meet a nice asian girl. so good luck with your situation i hope it works for the better and your parents can learn to understand.

You are a good example of what I described above. You can't type or spell. The stats don't lie bro. The stereotypes are usually true. Look at polls and surveys. What are your career plans? How about your grades? Do you come from a stable family? Those are questions to ask any guy before letting them date your daughter.

Are crazy black boys have some sexy hot abs

In the end, you are the one who is living your life. Not your parents, your friends, or anybody else. It's also unfair that there is an obvious double standard when your brother is able to as he pleases because he's older and probably because he's also a guy. As a 2nd generation Japanese American, I'm glad that I have open-minded parents for my interracial relationship with a Black man. It's sad to see that racial bias still exists and breaking down those barriers will still take years. Keep your head up, girl. Live for you.

hi, I am in the exact same situation, the difference is that I'm turning 21. And I can tell you, when I was your age, my mom used the exact same arguement. Wait till im 21 then I can do whatever I want, but now that I'm finally turning 21 (I waited years for this), she turned around and said "No. It doesn't matter if you're 21 or 18. You're still my only daughter and I will forever be in involved in your relationships." She went on and on and about this. and obviously, it killed me.<br />
<br />
I can't provide any wise words, but I can provide a warning, when you turn 21, your parents MAY not let you go slowly. It's hard having Asian parents because they sacrifice SO MUCH for us and wants us to be perfect. But... idk.

I am filipina and live in the USA, I know many filipina and thai girls, and we talk alot about relations with black,white,japanese,asian man1<br />
We all agree that as an husband most black man are not very desireble,unless you don't mind to work 3 jobs the rest of your life in order to provide for the family,because most black man are lazy,somehow think the wife and the government are responsible,and should pay for their food,clothing,housing,drugs and anything else,and all the sociall issues we don't even get into that!<br />
white/asian husbands are generally much more responsible,are willing to work hard to provide for their family,have more business skils,are more family oriented,make much better fathers, (black man generally leave raising their children is grandma,s responsebility, its a the truth,more the 60% of black children in america are rais ed by mom or grandma,dad don't bother! ).<br />
just have fun,date black guys as much you like,( black man are mostly superior sex partners) just don't fall in love,and never,never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! make the disastrous ,foolish mistake marrying a black man! statistics don't lie!<br />
ofcourse I will have to hear that I am a racist (dumb and out dated argument supprisendly still in use ) nonsense,we have many black friends and have very good friendships,ba<x>sed on honesty and being thruthfull,no BS or political correctness, but for those who do,who gives a hood,those few just show their ignorence and inability to face reality,<br />
your asian friends<br />
LITA,LON,EMILY,ROSE,SOLANGE,VALERIA,MONA,PENG

I hate to judge you because I don't know you. But I will judge you based on your comments, which happen to be very ignorant and also show your lack of intelligence and life experience. I am Black, my wife is Japanese, we have been married for 15 years and have two sons. My wife works (one job), because she wants to. I retired from the Navy after spending 23 years there. I now have a job with the Federal Government and I DJ as a part time job on the side. So your ignorant comments about how Black men don't want to work and how White men are so much better are ridiculous. You sound like the type of shallow woman that marries a White person chasing money and ends up living a miserable life. You should consider opening your mind and getting rid of all of your offensive stereotypes of different races, especially about Black men. Your race is notorious for having one of the worst stereotypes of all Asians, I'm sure you've heard of them (******, having 30 people living under one roof), etc., etc. So please open your mind and remember that love doesn't have a skin color.

DJ, the stats don't lie. Black men are a bad bet as husbands. There's that 70% unwed prego rate bro or did someone just make that up? Then there is the jail issues and unemployment issue and the lack of HS and college grad issue. You may be a welcome exception to the stereotype. Why don't you mentor black youth like I do as a teacher?

Gee...and all this time, I thought Asians were smart. the comments by Lita , Lon, Emily, Rose , Solange , Valeria ,Mona , and Peng serve to remind me how stultifyingly stupid some Asian women are !...this gives me great comfort in knowing that Blacks have nothing to fear or envy from Asians. I have a friend (Black) who was married to a Filipina....a nurse( Of course...what Else do Filipinas do ???), His beef was that her family was over his house ALL the time...mooching off of him...they came over to his house, ate his food, broke his stuff (and didn't want to pay for them) and just generally hung out at his place all the time. If you want to talk about stereotypes....there's NO ONE lazier than Filipino men...they have this sense of "entitlement"....I know this because I've been to the Philippines many times, and I'm familiar with the culture....All they want is for you to bring them over from the Philippines, then bring their families over here, and have you finance their lifestyles forever...besides Filipina women aren't particularly good lovers either... they're pretty much lazy in bed....so before you go generalizing, and stereotyping....perhaps you'd better take a closer look at your own people and culture !!!

I was also in your situation with stubborn parents regarding interracial relationships. I'm also a parent myself now, so I know both sides of the coin. I won't offer any advice, other than to be careful in all your relationships and demand respect at all times. You'll be fine.

Just do what your heart tells you and parents aren't always right. I'm glad<br />
to see more black and Asian couples, infact I wish I had a Asian girl. But <br />
just do what feels right. You'll never regret it.

I'm sorry..

I'm just wondering..would your parents consider Indians from Asia Asian?

Aren't Indians from Asia Asian ? Don't you consider yourself Asian? :) hmmm interesting..

tats south east asian lol

My sister is in a similar position! She got engaged with someone who is dark skin and my parents were torn to pieces. The guy is very nice! The first time I met, I must admit, I thought he was gay. Some reason the way he dressed and his politeness struck me of that type of person. Anyways, to relieve me parents, she told them that she broke off the engagement for their sake, which was a lie. Several months later, she is happily married to him. She never told my parents...lol. In the end, she will let them find out their own way, at their own time. Most of the younger generation (ie. my cousins) know that she is married and her friends. <br />
<br />
I understand full well of the disapproval by asian parents, even though it disgusts me. I blame it on the media and old tradition to make these types of relationships seem unacceptable.

I am black and I am dating a Korean girl in college. We have been together for two years. When we first started going out she told her parents, and they did not want her going out with me. They talked to her about babies, racing mixing can lead to behavioral problems, and other stupid ignorant comments. We had been going out only a few months and her mom told my girlfriend that it was puppy love and we were not serious like her mom and dad. My gf stuck with me and told her parents that I was a good guy. I met all of her asian friends and they tell all her parents/parents friends that I am a real nice guy. It also helps that I am going to medical school, but the thing you need to do most of all is stick it out. I love my girlfriend and will stay by her forever, but tell your bf to try to ignore these things, because if he becomes something after college, your mom will realize that he (your boyfriend) is going to be the one who takes care of her baby (you). Eventually she will come to love him.It is vital though that whenever you have a chance to talk to your parents, try to get them to open their mind and see from different a perspective and be sure to show them that you are maturing. My gf told her parents she was going to be staying with me in a hotel for a week for spring break recently. While they were kind of worried about their daughter, they realized she was old enough to make responsible decisions even though it took them about two years to see her development in college. I know it may seem bleak in highschool, but college will force every ones perspective open, including your parents if you condition them properly. I have yet to meet her parents though, but for the day I do I plan to know somewhat about the culture, and be decent in the language. Good luck, and tell your black bf to make something of himself, and **** the sterotype :)

Beefcake, you have said some great things. I believe in interracial relationships and know they can work too. As in your relatonship with your girl, you are being strong and patient and concentrating on making your best lives work. Parents will have to eventually see the strong two individuals you are and respect that. I give you love for being mature and respectful too of their views but being strong enough to work hard in your own lives and on your relationship as well. You too will be just fine and i'm happy you have maintained your strong love. That's beautiful :)

thats so sad im dating a black guy too i started tearing up

exciting. black guys with asian girls is a real turn-on. i am trying to talk my sexy asian wife into having sex with black men

who do u think u are? there is nothing wrong with interacial dating AND the is NOTHING wrong with BLACK AND ASIANS:(

you will get older and see things different

Aww...I feel for you girl. I hope you two get through! Love has no color....