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I Don'T Feel Like I'M Asian

I'm a 17 year old boy and I am of Korean descent. But truthfully, I've never felt asian my whole life so far and thats why I'm writing this. I have a lot to say about myself: outcast, leper, loser, etc. But my whole life, the one label I really hate is ASIAN. I can't say its not true, I am asian, but only in name. I don't feel asian one bit. I can't speak my language, nonetheless stand my culture's food or my culture at that. Don't get me wrong, when I say I hate being called asian is when some random douchebag who doesn't know me any better just labels me and assumes I'm just like any other stereotypical asian. I just can't stand it.

Anyways, the point of me writing this is to talk about the root of my problem. I suffer with identity issues (at least thats what the doctor said). I don't know whether to label myself as Korean or American. For some reason I just can't get around the fact I have Korean blood. I personally think my problems start with my father. *Sigh* my dad, where to begin...well it all starts with him. I think he may even be the root of the problem, but thats for another story.

My dad is old school, and I mean REALLY old school. He comes from a very patriarchal generation of Koreans, where the men were lazy pigs and let the women take care of them. My father never worked a day in his life, he always had everything taken care of for him (this thought just disgusts me). My mom on the other hand, is a completely different story. She came to the US from Korea when she was 6, and grew up with her 4 other siblings in Queens for almost her entire life. Growing up that in the US really westernized her I guess. Growing up she went through a similar (and worse) situation of being labeled as asian and all that. It made her tough, lol like classic New York tough if you wanna put it that way. Now back to my story. So by now you probably get that my parents come from 2 completely different spectrums. My old fashioned Korean father and my REALLY Americanized mother. Now that was a serious problem when my mom was fixed in an arranged marriage with my father. They were nothing alike! And pretty much there marriage went to ****. My dad would be out drinking all the time while my mom would work like a dog for slave wages just to support the them. Then a year later, my mom gave birth to me. Its funny, cuz my dad wasn't there at the hospital when I was born. I found out he was out at some bar drinking. Ever since I was young I would always remember my dad being somewhat distant towards me and always yelling at me. Growing up, he was never able to support my family. And as the years progressed, I would resent him more and more and more. Finally when I was 7 my mom finally got the guts to divorce him, something I felt really mixed about. MY whole life I've tried to get along with him, but there was this big cultural barrier between us. Since my dad wasn't around much, my moms the one who pretty much raised me, which is why I don't know much Korean anything. But truthfully, I also kinda abandoned my culture on my own will. I just never could relate to other Koreans. I never made friends with any of them. I was just...different.

Growing up, all the other Korean kids would make fun of me for being different. But I just couldn't help it. I was bullied relentlessly and it was becoming depressed. It got so bad to the point where I had to see a doctor. It was there where I was diagnosed with identity disorder. I was in a struggle with my cultural identity. I also found out the reason I would refuse to accept my Korean culture is the mental image I project of my father. Right from the get-go, my earliest memories of my father were very negative and didn't really reinforce a good image of him. Mentally, I would project all my hate of my father onto my own culture. Its really sad but its true.

So thats my backstory. MY main problem is finding someone who will like me for who I am. I've never really been into asian girls for some reason. I guess its cuz of the whole mental image thing I just mentioned earlier. I guess its like a psychological barrier. But I do find myself really attracted to girls of other ethnicities. But every time I try and start a relationship, I always get turned down. At first I thought it was no big deal, until it was every girl that turned me down. I honestly had no idea what was wrong and regret that I found out. One day during the hall, I overheard some girls gossiping about me how I asked out one of the girls in my class. My heart broke when I found out she turned me down because I was asian, same with the others is what I sadly found out later. I couldn't believe that was really their reason. Its weird because I'm not really that asian in the first place. I honestly don't think I can have a relationship with anyone anymore. If this is really why girls are turning me down, I honestly don't think I can start a relationship...period. I don't wanna sound like a wuss, but I practically cried when I found out. Its really a shame that even today people still judge you for what you look like. Anyways, bottom line is, I just want to be loved as I am now. I don't want to change just for the sake of others. I like the way I am now. And to my Korean community, I'm sorry. I'm sorry but I just can't be with you guys. Maybe someday, I will finally connect with my culture, but only on my own terms, no one elses. Overall, I just wanna be loved without being judged by my physical appearance.
dyoo17 dyoo17 18-21, M 11 Responses Feb 17, 2013

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I understand how you feel, when I was younger I often got turned down when I asked boys out, the sole reason being I was black, It made me hate my black side and go running to my tsalagi side, just hang in there, we'll find someone someday

Me too

You're a great writer!
You should take a screen writing course when you go to uni and move out here to LA when you finish up.
I'd definitely help you produce this as a film (if not star in it ;). Or both~!).

Anyway, you're in highschool, brother! Keep your head up! When you get to college, it'll be a LOT more fun and a LOT easier to meet hot girls.

(Preferably, move away for uni. There are waaaaay too many Koreans in your area that close to Fort Lee, and all ...)

If you can't connect with your father, don't sweat it. I don't talk with mine either. But I've still met more than enough wise men to guide me along my path with useful fatherly advice, as will you.

And regarding your Asian-ness, again, don't sweat it. grow a sense of humor about it and people will accept you instantly. I promise.

Wow that's quite long story...I did not read everything :) , but I understand how you feel. My parents were totally strict asian parents -.-' ... I was born in the netherlands....I did not have asian friends when I was younger. I feel dutch, but I am not and I feel less asian even though I know I am and look that way. And sometimes I do feel people don't like me because I am asian. But you know as you get older you realize those people are stupid. Asians are cool. I used to want to be white all the time, but the older I get the more I appreciate asian culture and I find a lot of asians to be very attractive. That girl turning you down because you were asian sounds pathetic anyways, so I wouldn't worry :)

Hello again, I just remembered something, there's this movie called together. It's very moving. It's sad at times and there's many life lessons to take from it, I thought. It's a Chinese movie. I hope you watch it. It's subtitle in English. I think everyone should see it no matter what color they are. This movie is about humanity, love, friendship, and family. I think it reminds me that my asian culture matters and it's great too.

Hi. I read your story. Thank you for sharing. I just want to say I understand how you feel. I was ashamed of who I am. I wanted to fit in when I was growing up. It was hard to. It was difficult for me. It still is. I just want to say, everyone has issues...whether they are purple, green or blue. No nationality is better than another. We all want the same basic things in life. I hope that some day being who you are will be will clearer to you and me. Dating outside of your nationality is very difficult. It's never is easy. It's harsh...everything that comes with it...it is hard to deal with. I think you just gotta find the right girl, just make sure you are dating her for the right reasons and not because she is not asian. Best wishes.

dood i want your life. I am Mongolian, but would die to be Korean. Plus I do not look Asian at all and people think I am not. I am Puerto RIcan and Hungarian too though.

Hi,
It seems that you have grown up in a region where most of the populations are white. (am I right?) I am a first generation korean guy studying in Wisconsin (duh) and I can see some identity crisis in second generation asians living here. (e.g. they avoid eye contact with me etc...) Why don't you have a trip to more diverse area where there are lots of second generation asian americans, like california and see how you feel there. Hope this helps.

actually the exact opposite really. the town i grew up in was definitely mostly asian, korean to be more specific and i always thought something was wrong with me until i moved out and made friends with people of other races. It sounds weird but if you meet me in person, you'll see what i mean. I'm not one of those asian guys who try to be black or those asians that try and be white, I'm just myself and thats who I want to be

Ohhhhhkay;Lets' turn that around Shall we---I'm white and have always like "ASIAN" girls/women----but would they date me ?? NOOOOOO;why you might ask ? Well this is my therory---I think your all brianwashed by your parents to marry some "collage" guy who will be very successful(and rich)!! I've been a mailman(letter carrier) fot the past 35yrs and loved the contact i had with my customers--but when i would try and date a "Asian" girl/woman and told her what my job was--it was like telling her i was a rapist or worse. So you see there are two sides to every story!! John

Hi. I don't think it has anything to do with your occupation. I think it might have something to do your age difference. They might not want their young adult children to live a little before getting into serious relationships.

You know, I completely identify with you. I grew up in Cambodia until I was 6 and then was adopted by a white family. My father is American and my mother is French and they're Mormons so obviously I grew up in a family with no ties to Asian culture. My siblings would tease me about looking different and even though they weren't trying to be mean it always hurt my feelings. For a long time I shunned my heritage and tried to blend in and be "white" and was resentful of being Cambodia. I lived in a very tiny town in New Hampshire and I was the only Asian person at my school. To make it worse, I don't look Korean/Chinese/Japanese so I remember one girl saying to me "you aren't even the pretty type of Asian". It was so hurtful! But as I became an adult I've grown to appreciate my heritage a lot more and I hope the same for you. Until you accept who you are, Korean and American, I don't know how at peace you will feel!

Hi :) I read your story, sounds like you've been through a lot :( Life can be very unfair sometimes it seems (I think it's unfair a lot, lol). I understand what you mean about wanting to be loved for who you are. I'm kind of in the same boat in that I always get rejected for stupid reasons that never make any sense to me :( Always something wrong with me in their opinion. Anyway, if you'd ever like to chat, send me a message :) Or if you just want someone to vent to or anything, lol.