I Don'T Feel Like I'M AsianI'm a 17 year old boy and I am of Korean descent. But truthfully, I've never felt asian my whole life so far and thats why I'm writing this. I have a lot to say about myself: outcast, leper, loser, etc. But my whole life, the one label I really hate is ASIAN. I can't say its not true, I am asian, but only in name. I don't feel asian one bit. I can't speak my language, nonetheless stand my culture's food or my culture at that. Don't get me wrong, when I say I hate being called asian is when some random douchebag who doesn't know me any better just labels me and assumes I'm just like any other stereotypical asian. I just can't stand it.
Anyways, the point of me writing this is to talk about the root of my problem. I suffer with identity issues (at least thats what the doctor said). I don't know whether to label myself as Korean or American. For some reason I just can't get around the fact I have Korean blood. I personally think my problems start with my father. *Sigh* my dad, where to begin...well it all starts with him. I think he may even be the root of the problem, but thats for another story.
My dad is old school, and I mean REALLY old school. He comes from a very patriarchal generation of Koreans, where the men were lazy pigs and let the women take care of them. My father never worked a day in his life, he always had everything taken care of for him (this thought just disgusts me). My mom on the other hand, is a completely different story. She came to the US from Korea when she was 6, and grew up with her 4 other siblings in Queens for almost her entire life. Growing up that in the US really westernized her I guess. Growing up she went through a similar (and worse) situation of being labeled as asian and all that. It made her tough, lol like classic New York tough if you wanna put it that way. Now back to my story. So by now you probably get that my parents come from 2 completely different spectrums. My old fashioned Korean father and my REALLY Americanized mother. Now that was a serious problem when my mom was fixed in an arranged marriage with my father. They were nothing alike! And pretty much there marriage went to ****. My dad would be out drinking all the time while my mom would work like a dog for slave wages just to support the them. Then a year later, my mom gave birth to me. Its funny, cuz my dad wasn't there at the hospital when I was born. I found out he was out at some bar drinking. Ever since I was young I would always remember my dad being somewhat distant towards me and always yelling at me. Growing up, he was never able to support my family. And as the years progressed, I would resent him more and more and more. Finally when I was 7 my mom finally got the guts to divorce him, something I felt really mixed about. MY whole life I've tried to get along with him, but there was this big cultural barrier between us. Since my dad wasn't around much, my moms the one who pretty much raised me, which is why I don't know much Korean anything. But truthfully, I also kinda abandoned my culture on my own will. I just never could relate to other Koreans. I never made friends with any of them. I was just...different.
Growing up, all the other Korean kids would make fun of me for being different. But I just couldn't help it. I was bullied relentlessly and it was becoming depressed. It got so bad to the point where I had to see a doctor. It was there where I was diagnosed with identity disorder. I was in a struggle with my cultural identity. I also found out the reason I would refuse to accept my Korean culture is the mental image I project of my father. Right from the get-go, my earliest memories of my father were very negative and didn't really reinforce a good image of him. Mentally, I would project all my hate of my father onto my own culture. Its really sad but its true.
So thats my backstory. MY main problem is finding someone who will like me for who I am. I've never really been into asian girls for some reason. I guess its cuz of the whole mental image thing I just mentioned earlier. I guess its like a psychological barrier. But I do find myself really attracted to girls of other ethnicities. But every time I try and start a relationship, I always get turned down. At first I thought it was no big deal, until it was every girl that turned me down. I honestly had no idea what was wrong and regret that I found out. One day during the hall, I overheard some girls gossiping about me how I asked out one of the girls in my class. My heart broke when I found out she turned me down because I was asian, same with the others is what I sadly found out later. I couldn't believe that was really their reason. Its weird because I'm not really that asian in the first place. I honestly don't think I can have a relationship with anyone anymore. If this is really why girls are turning me down, I honestly don't think I can start a relationship...period. I don't wanna sound like a wuss, but I practically cried when I found out. Its really a shame that even today people still judge you for what you look like. Anyways, bottom line is, I just want to be loved as I am now. I don't want to change just for the sake of others. I like the way I am now. And to my Korean community, I'm sorry. I'm sorry but I just can't be with you guys. Maybe someday, I will finally connect with my culture, but only on my own terms, no one elses. Overall, I just wanna be loved without being judged by my physical appearance.