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Strict Parents Against Interracial Marriage

DEC 2009 - I have been with my caucasian boyfriend for the past 5 years and we broke up a few years ago thanks to the pressure my parents put on me, saying that he had no future, no money, he's going to cheat on me, etc. But despite everything, we got back together again. I'm turning 24 next year, he'll be 25 and we're planning on getting married within 6 months to a year from now, but when I told my parents that he proposed to me, they were furious!

First of all, they know I've been together with this guy for a long time but I thought they might get softer throughout all these years but boy was I wrong. They live in a different country along with the rest of the family and relatives so I'm the only one here in the US. I understand why they would get mad and not trust my fiancee since my mom only met him once, plus he's in the Navy so it's a little hard for us to go across the globe to get together. My parents originally said that it's OK for me to want to marry him as long as we wait 3 years. We were only willing to wait as long as a year and a half so when I talked to my parents again, they changed their opinion that they are now completely against me marrying a white guy and since he's in the Navy, they said they are 100% sure he's going to cheat on me. They wanted me to come back into their house, picked a guy for me and have me marry him even though I don't have any feelings for him. They said feelings can grow later. I mean how messed up is that?! And then they forced me to choose between my fiancee and the whole family (we were talking via phone all the time) and it literally broke my heart. I couldn't answer that because I didn't want to break their hearts so I told them that it was such a childish, selfish and foolish question. They totally degrade my fiancee's job in the Navy and basically said that we will be poor for the rest of our lives. My dad even threatened to disown me and will have me kicked out of his own funeral one day.

All this ruckus is only because he's white. They know how good he is inside and how polite he is to them but they still couldn't get past the fact that he's caucasian. They're so sure he's going to mess our lives up, that he's going to cheat on me and will leave me for a prettier girl. As for me, I know he will not because we've been through a lot more than they know. We've broken each other's hearts, we went through separations for months at a time (as long as 6 months) and I finally know that he will stay true to me and will be able to provide everything for me. I also love him with all my heart and it's so painful to hear my siblings wailing on the phone, accusing me on choosing "that white guy" over our family.

DEC 2010 UPDATE - We are now happily married and my parents have accepted that there is nothing they can do to change my mind so they could either be happy for us or be miserable and eventually regret this later on. I have included the updates along our journey in the comments below. If you need any encouragement or any word of advice please message me or add me to your circle, I would be more than happy to talk to you :)

JAN 2012 UPDATE - We are now  finally trying to conceive after being married for almost 2 years. My parents are more than happy with us being together and my immediate family traveled all the way to the US to attend our wedding ceremony and got to know my husband. God has been very good to us and we are excited to be out of the Navy by the end of the month. My husband is going to go back to school for his Master's degree in Physician's Assistant, and so we are embracing yet another adventure life has thrown at us :)

WTBeals WTBeals 26-30, F 73 Responses Dec 14, 2009

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Hi, I am an Indian and my BF is also an Indian but we both are from different states however our family is setteled abroad and my BF along with his family are in India. we have been into a serious relationship from past 5 years and want to get married, i have met his parents and they have agreed for our marraige but the problem is my parents as they are quite narrow minded and will nevr allow me to get marraied in any oder culture. I did speak to my mom around 7 months back and informed her evrything about our relationship and also about the boy, initially she ws ready to meet but then suddenly she changed saying that its ok to be friends but nothing more than that. I had expected her to tell dad about me but she did not as she says that dad will not agree at all. I myself did not get a proper chance to speak to dad about us, however we have decided that my BF will call up my dad and ask him for my hand in marraige and his blessings but not sure what would be the outcome of that. its been a very difficult situation as I really dont want to break their heart but we can not stay apart from each other.his parents are also now waiting for our marraige but due to distance its not possible for them to formally meet my parents, also it would be insulting if my parents say no and they still approch my parents.

Pls advice me what should we do at this point. I just keep praying for any miracle but nothing just happens and due to this delay there have been ups and downs in our relationship as well but we did realise that we wont be able to breakup at any point.

please help me :(...

<P class=first>Hi, I am an Indian and my BF is also an Indian but we both are from different states however our family is setteled abroad and my BF along with his family are in India. we have been into a serious relationship from past 5 years and want to get married, i have met his parents and they have agreed for our marraige but the problem is my parents as they are quite narrow minded and will nevr allow me to get marraied in any oder culture. I did speak to my mom around 7 months back and informed her evrything about our relationship and also about the boy, initially she ws ready to meet but then suddenly she changed saying that its ok to be friends but nothing more than that. I had expected her to tell dad about me but she did not as she says that dad will not agree at all. I myself did not get a proper chance to speak to dad about us, however we have decided that my BF will call up my dad and ask him for my hand in marraige and his blessings but not sure what would be the outcome of that. its been a very difficult situation as I really dont want to break their heart but we can not stay apart from each other.his parents are also now waiting for our marraige but due to distance its not possible for them to formally meet my parents, also it would be insulting if my parents say no and they still approch my parents.

Pls advice me what should we do at this point. I just keep praying for any miracle but nothing just happens and due to this delay there have been ups and downs in our relationship as well but we did realise that we wont be able to breakup at any point.

please help me :(...</P>

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My name is Jonathan. I'm black and I've been talking to this girl named Wendy. She is white. When we met we clicked right away. She wanted exactly what I wanted. We talked about making a future together and starting a family and everything. Our relationship was goin great before the family. They are racist towards blacks. Her mom is Puerto Rican and her father is Italian and Irish. He is the worst one in the bunch. So he threatened to disown my girl, said he wouldn't put her through college an would take her car away if she ever dated a black guy. So she lost on where to go with our relationship because she doesn't want to leave her family so right now taking a lil break I guess. Do u have any advice on what I should do because I love this girl. I don't wanna lose her. It's my first time bein in this situation so any advice would be appreciated....please. thank u

I am a white man and my sweetheart is a black woman who is from Nigeria and we have a daughter who is almost a year old. My sister abandoned me because I am with loving woman all because she is not a citizen but she has legal status in this country. My sister would let me have nothing from my mother's will being that my mom died 2 years ago, I am being denied my right to see her ashes get spread. My sister ba<x>ses the this nonsense of abandoning me on her husband's job saying that it will affect his security clearance because my sweetheart is not a citizen and told me I should take a DNA test of my daughter. My sweetheart and I have been together for 2 and a half years and we are going very strong and what my sister did made my sweetheart feel like she was the lowest form of life when my sister has never even met her. I have learned this from the movie Something New which had Sanna Lathan and Simon Baker where in the movie Lathan's father told her that "Love is an adventure, it's not a decision you make for other's. It's a decision you make from your own heart." Love knows no color.

Hi, I'm also Chinese and used to live with my family in the Netherlands. I met my fiance in the Netherlands. He is American, in the air force and worked on a base in Germany. From the first time my parents met him, they didn't like him. The reason: He is not Chinese.

After a year he proposed to me. When I told my parents that we are going to get married. Instead of being happy for me, they started talking about: a bride price, why his parents were not coming to the Netherlands to meet them, Chinese wedding rituals, etc. They didn't ask for our opinion at all. My fiance never heard of a bride price and he got mad that he has to pay my parents. He decided not to pay my parents anything, since they never treated him nicely.

We decided to plan our wedding without the involvement of any parent. In the middle of the planning, my fiance got his orders from the air force to move back to the US earlier than expected. We couldn't plan our wedding in the Netherlands anymore and had to apply for a fiancee visa for me, in order to get married in the US.

During the application time, my parents never stopped talking bad about him. They disapprove of me getting married to an American. They believe that he will cheat on me when he is deployed. They think he doesn't make enough money, because he doesn't want to pay a bride price. My parents are furious.

One month ago I moved to the US. We have to get married within 90 days. My parents still complain and tell me that I am a bad daughter. I told them that we will have a very simple wedding in order to get my status immigration status changed. Also, I told them not to come, because witnesses are not needed. They told me that I'm cheap.

They don't listen and don't want to listen to me. It makes me sad and frustrated when I hear them. I get a suffocating feeling. Can anyone tell me how to deal with this?

Both our parents are against our marriage. I don' know what to do. I am a Sikh and he is a Hindu ( Gujarati). We been dating for 11 years.

omg! i am going thur the same thing now! we are planning to get marry next year. and my dad was like " i am not gonna go to US. " ....

How did you get the courage to choose your boyfriend over your family? I'm in the same situation except for my boyfriend is black and Indians are anti blacks my mother is a pain in the butt with my boyfriend and I was told I would be disowned as well. how do I get the courage to let go of my family. I'm really unhappy here I don't want to be here I only want to be with my boyfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. how do I let go? how do I tell my mom I'm choosing him over you? because even though I will choose him over my mom I still have that fear that if it doesn't work out I'm left with nothing I still have that fear of everything training for the worse

hi asian plzz help me in my love.. i need ur advice ... my parents are agnist my love..

How did you marry him when you parents were against? Did you go for registered marriage?

I am so glad to have read that things turned out well for you both. I am a white american woman with two kids, from different men. I was with my best friend/love of my life, who is Indian. We fell in love and he decided to tell his brothers about us. They were against it, and went behind his back and told his parents. He broke it off with me bc it would hurt too many people and he didn't want to go against his parents. This happened almost 9 months ago. We still saw each other for about 6 months, then his brothers found out and he ended it for good. I am so heart broken, and don't know what to do. I was so sure this was Gods will. My ex I guess thought we were wishful thinking.

Well, my case so similar with you. Even though I am 29 this year. I am a Malaysian Chinese. My Husband is American Latino. We just got married secretly in Las Vegas last Valentine's weekend. It was fun and exciting. We knew each other for like only 6 months. I fly alot to Los Angeles because I am a flight crew. I can't wait to live with him. So need to settle my parents first. And awaiting him to come down to Malaysia on the november. I can't imagine what is my parents' reaction after we tell them we're married. I met his family. Find they are lovely and caring. I just hope my parents able to be like them as well. Long distance relationship is just killing me. My father even can say very nasty words to describe him because he is different race. My father just want me to get married to a person who is same race and same culture with me. I love my parents as well but of cause I love my husband as well. He is very special and important to me. I am ready to live the rest of my life with him. Any idea that allow me to convince my parents. And I cannot wait to move over there very quickly to be with him.

What if your parents say no? Will you go against them?

Hi there thanks for sharing your story. I am Sikh and I am dating a tamil guy. My parents refuse to accept him and kicked me out. We want to get married and sometimes it is so hard knowing that I don't have support from my family. He is such a good guy and I can't imagine my life without him.

hey,

I am indian and dating a white guy. I really like him and cant imagine my life without him. its only been near a year but I am scared about how my parents will react. my sister told to stay clear off as my parents would be made to go through hard times but I want them to be happy for me....my happiness should be theirs right?...I don't want to tell them till in 3 years or so when I am ready to marry...am worried about them disowning me ..... how would I approach it ...

I'm white! I'm really blond, green eyes, skinny, big cheated, you know the typical all American looking white woman! I was with the love of my life for three years. We lived together and did everything togeather. He had problems with my lifestyle as well as I had problems with his. But our deviating breakup had a lot to do with me wanting to take it to the next level. Marriage, kids ext... But he would never introduce me to his parents. He said they didn't care if I was white and I know that they knew about me because of Facebook. Yet he never took me to meet his family. Even though we're broke up hell still deny that they would have a problem with me but his good friend told me his parents was traditional. They're korean by the way. It's sucks. I still live him but I guess he can never give me what I want and deserve :(

I'm having a similar experience. I'm from a Christian family and am dating a guy from a Muslim family. We've been together for 8 years now and plan to get married, but neither of our families approve. I am getting so tired of having to earn their happiness for us. How do you guys deal with the pain, stress and heartache? I'm close to deciding that I just won't bother earning their approval. They can either be happy for us or not. I really want to make that choice, but since I respect my parents (and his parents), it's tough...

Your situation had more to do with religion than anything else and that is going to make it tough! Values, morals, and tradition is what most parents are concerned with. In your case it's so much more. Religion is what deferentiates everyone. My child could bring home another race and it might would be hard but another religion I would have a hard time accepting myself and I'm open minded. Religion separates us and makes us who we are. As a Christian they are probably more so fear for you. You guys come from two different worlds. If he ever took you to his homeland, he could literally own you. He could do what ever he wants with you. You will have no rights! Even if you go on a vacation to his homeland, if he wanted, he could keep you two there and you would have 0 say in anything. I know you probably say, oh he wouldn't do that... He loves me! There have been so many Anerican wemon that've being held captive in the Middle East right now because they can't leave without their husbands permission. Those men can kill you by Jewdaio law if you so much as even look at another man with desire. There are many books and a couple movies about this and they're not a bunch of bullshit. Watch the movie Not Without My Daughter. It's a very true story and puts things in a good perspective for any American woman that wants to Marty an Arabian Muslim man. Your parents just probably are a little scared and they should be. Muslims don't have a good track record for treating wemon and a equal or a human being for that fact. Just saying, if you Marrie the man, DO NOT LEAVE THIS COUNTRY WITH HIM EEEVVVEEER!!!!!!!! More than likely you will not make it back alive. Atleast a lot of other wemon haven't :/

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People ***** about southern parents, but asian parents are such racists

alstephens what a degrading response, its racisim when u degrade another race.. make them your slave because of their color. the writer is discussing the family never having to deal with interracial marriages ... enlighten ur mind.. this blog wasnt to start a race war, u clearly have issues.. and shud work on being a happier person

Sorry pd82, I should have not made a blanket statement. I have just had a couple of bad experiences with fathers disliking me because I was not their preferred race.

Yes they are. Quite ashamed of the asian. I am asian. We new generation has to change that. Cannot blame them, because of education or surrounding cause them become like that.

Remember: If they are white, its racist. If they aren't, it's cultural.

Very very very true!!! I totally agree with you there. If us whites even look at someone sideways it's racist and a big deal comes of it. But others are okay to do it because... Well idk that answer yet my damn self O_o. And I'm not racist and I'm not trying to be ugly but just trying to be truthful about the whole matter. Black people are thee worst!

Hello all

I'm sorry to hear of the problems you are facing, and hope sharing your experiences on here is helping in some way.

If anyone is interested in sharing their experiences on a more pubic platform (anonymously if you wish) then MTV Voices is doing a focus on young couples whose parents won't allow them to be together. MTV Voices is a social responsibility non-profit platform all about getting young people's voices and opinions out there, from all over the world.

Anyone who is interested in sharing their story - please get in touch.

Thanks

Hello...
After going through what you have posted, it has really given me courage, which i really need today. I am a Hindu and I love a guy who's in gospel. We love each other since 5 years and are now planning to get married and since 1 year am convincing my parents but they still oppose. I am 22 yrs and my boyfriend 30 yrs and he is a well settle man. The only reason of rejection is religion and like your parents black mailed you emotionally, they did the same with me and this really pains. Now my boyfriend wants to come home and talk to my parents and i really don't know what to do if they still reject. Please help me to get out of this awful situation,please please...

It's good to read everybody's response and know that I'm not alone here. I'm a mixed (mullato) Canadian man and I'm approaching my 7th year in a committed long-distance relationship with a Korean American woman. traditional thinking of old Korean mom and dad and how they disapprove of our relationship has always been a source of conflict over the years even though we haven't met or even spoke to each other. Every time I go to visit my girlfriend, we go through the routine of her asking me to be completely dead quiet while she talks to her parents on the phone, so they don't suspect that I'm with her. It's not that she feels ashamed to be with me; she's just petrified of how they'd react (although, I'm sure they know better when their daughter unexpectedly decides to go away on a trip for a week!). She loves her parents but she loves me too. They know I've been seeing her for many years but they still believe this is just a "thing" and I will eventually cheat on her or find someone "better". They've also had unpleasant encounters with my "race" as they used to run a convenient store for many years that was burglarized by African Americans a couple of times.Next year. I'm hoping to move our relationship to the next level (marriage) but she wants me to get permission from her parents before I pop the question *gulp*. I believe that if they were able to meet and get to know me, things would go a lot smoother and they would eventually warm up to me. Unfortunately, we currently live in two different countries which makes that difficult and sadly I wouldn't qualify for a work visa to temporarily live in the U.S. My parents know about the relationship and have met my girlfriend on a few occasions (hell, my mother let my gf and I sleep in the same room together!). My mom knows about our weekly online date nights I have with my gf, and the times I go to visit her, and respects our time together. So, for the most part, I'd say my mother approves of the relationship. Last year, my dad met my girlfriend for the first time and it was also a pleasant experience. Seven years is a long time to be someones boyfriend or girlfriend I think. I stayed with her even when she said she was going to attend college for four years. She graduated in January. She just turned 31 this month and I'll be 28 next May, so I think it's getting near time where we both want to settle. I long for the Christmas', Thanksgivings, and Halloweens we'll have together, and the beautiful children we'll create. The biggest challenge right now, is to win over her folks to releasing the hand of their only child. To help me along with this journey, I purchased a copy of Rosetta Stone to learn Korean, so I can have a basic conversation with them. I hope this will impress them and feel a bit more comfortable with me as their future son-in-law.

It makes you want her even more since its such a struggle and hard thing to get! :)

I'm in the same boat I'm white my parents are from Poland and I'm dating a Haitian girl born in the states I'm 26 she's 27 we love each other and want to get married but my parents aren't accepting of my relationship because she is black. We met each other in a church group we are both devout Catholics which I love about her don't know what to do should I ignore my parents and marry her who knows if my parents will attend my wedding or if they will cut contact from me

All this because he is white?

Oh yeah! They're very big on keeping there own with their own!

This is great! I'm an indian muslim guy dating a white christian girl. I am going through the exact same thing. We've broken up a few times due to pressure from mom (dad doesn't even know yet) and we have talked to each other saying we want to get married at 30 (i'm 28 and she's 26). Mom is giving me SUCH a hard time about being disappointing, about how she will find me a girl (she has tried and i've tried respecting her by talking to them but it just feels way too weird). I have 0 idea how to deal with the potential loss of my family (threats to disown me), my own happiness and the guilt I feel about putting them through this. Any words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated!

You are not alone...I hope things are better for you now?

I'm so happy that this isn't as rare as I thought, but at the same time it is sad. I'm from a italian household and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is Vietnamese. His family lives in Oklahoma and whenever we visited them they were always so nice to me and tried to bring me out of my shell. (I was nervous because they do not speak very good english) it was only until the beginning of this summer that things started being a little different when his mother asked if he wanted to marry a girl for money and bring her over. He immediatly said no and that was the end of it. 3 weeka ago she asked again but said that she needed the money to buy a house and that the family would approve of the other girl more. This started a huge fight between us and almost broke us up. We ate visiting them in september and he told me that he is going to tell them that he is going to be with me and if they don't like it to bad. It makes me so happy that he loves me that much but I would feel terrible if they won't talk to him because of me. I hope I have your happy ending were they accept this. Wish me luck!

Hello everyone, I am also in an interracial relationship and have been for the past 2 years and 3 months. We both attend the same college and see eachother daily. We are so good for eachother and have so much love. He is from a traditional African family and they do not approve of our relationship because it is against their religion. My boyfriend does not practice, but I can definitely tell that he feels guilty for disappointing them. We have had a serious discussion about all of this and had come to the decision that we would stay together. Things have gotten way better, but I feel like everything is building up. He has been gone on a trip for a long while and is coming back this month and told me today that he may not be able to come see me right away because it may be suspicious to his family. What does that mean? I respect his family and culture, but I don't like feeling like he is ashamed of me and our relationship. I know he doesn't want to disappoint anyone and really wants to be with me, but is it unfair to expect him to stand up to his family a little? All of your thoughts and comments are truly needed and appreciated, thank you!

That is not fair to you... IT IS WRONG! I think you need to have a serious talk with him and if he doesn't get it right,,, MOVE ON!

<p>H Everyone</p><p>my sistuation is the same yet a lil different. im a indian female 26, and have been dating a white male, 36 for about two years now without my parents knowing about him. i really wanetd to tell them but froze and couldnt becoz i know how close minded they are especially about interracial couples and white men, especiall commments that i get from mum when she sees interacial couples walking together. they think only indian men would do because it eliminates the shame on the family. but i dont understand why is that shameful- if two people love and respect each other and are both mature enough to know what they want why should it bother the world or them. all people are human and have the same on the inside regardless of race.</p><p>anyhow, so they found out about him like a week ago and mum and sister went balistic and swore as me and said that he would use me becauase hes white and older ect. its so odd that my sister married an indian man that any indian parent would be more than proud to show off to the world, a docter,nerdy, educated family ect and he turned out tho be the biggest con of them all and hurt my sister terible, they are now getting a divirce. does that not show people that dating people that look good on paper and meet all the ticks on a checklist is not what equals happiness and a good strong relationship. although my guy is white and may not be a doctor ect but makes a good honest living and treats me with so much resopect, is that not more important. </p><p>so my dad is more rational than my mum and he wants to meet him next week to get to know him, and my mum doent seem keen becoz she hasnt spoken to me since them, nor hav my sisters. im so nervous and scared....actually terrified that they will find fault with him...either on apperance or something and try to talk me out of it. my mind is made up i really do feel that i met my soulmate. i am however grateful that my dad wants to meet him ect. i will keep you posted on how it goes. </p><p>although we are indian, we dont really practice anything religiously and nor do we go to temple so religion is not so much an issue its more the shame of dating outside the race. we do still do some of the cultural indian rituals and ceremonies. my guy knows about this and is open to understanding and learnign about it as much as i am about going to church and learning more about god from that aspect. </p><p>sorry for the long response...felt more like a venting session here. :-). anyone have any similiar experience like me. how did it go?</p>

I am in the same situation as everyone else ... I have been with my boyfriend for two years.He is Italian and I am Vietnamese. I am 22 years old and he is 23. His family loves and adores me but my family does not like him. My sisters are so cruel and nasty to him for no reason. My mom was okay with him at first but once my dad found out she changed her mind. Him and I argue about it all the time and he wants me to speak to my parents in hopes they will change their mind but he does not understand that I have tried. My parents won't budge. I know they pretend at times that our relationship doesn't exist. I feel so scared to speak to my dad about it since I do not have a good relationship with him. I am so depressed at times because I know he feels sadden by this. I feel so hopeless at times knowing I can not do anything about it. Sometimes I wish race was not a factor and people could see past it. I hope some day this changes ...

Girly, I know how you feel. My Mexican bf of 5.8 years constantly thinks I can change their mins too. I didn't come out to my parents until end of summer last year. My parents went bazaar! I went to my mom first and I felt like although she didn't accept it, she's was...slightly ok with it until my dad went ballistic changing her mind about it all (I know it's hard for her to stand neutral with her husband and child). The very few times the subject of him and me have came up, there were yelling, tears and no talking for weeks following. All other times, they act like nothing happened and that he doesn't exist, they never acknowledged him as my bf nonetheless even a human being. They don't want to know him or of him. Ever since I moved back home from college, we don't get to see each other as much because I'm not allowed to go out. I'm 23 and not allowed to go out all because they bombard me with questions nailing down who I'm with and why. It wasn't like this till I told them about bf last year. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because the thought of being banned from coming home if i ever marry him. My dad went as far as telling me I'm not allowed to attend his funeral. It's unfortunate and it SUCKS. It's been with him for nearly 6 years but that doesn't matter to my parents and it doesn't make things easier.

Same here omg I am dating a mexican and my parents are so agonist it I am so confused and don't know what to do! This guy is all my heart wants I need advice

Hi jojjoo, thanks for sharing your struggles. I felt like I was reading my own biography, though I might be slightly older than you. I'm also an only child, Asian, strict parents, and been with my bf who is Mexican for over 5 years. My parents have yelled, threatened, disowned me and kicked me out, not spoken to me for months...the whole shebang. But they did let me back into their lives after a bit. They haven't met my bf yet (still!) but I am optimistic this year is the year they will, even if I have to be totally rude and just force them. Did your parents ever come around?