Strict Parents Against Interracial Marriage

DEC 2009 - I have been with my caucasian boyfriend for the past 5 years and we broke up a few years ago thanks to the pressure my parents put on me, saying that he had no future, no money, he's going to cheat on me, etc. But despite everything, we got back together again. I'm turning 24 next year, he'll be 25 and we're planning on getting married within 6 months to a year from now, but when I told my parents that he proposed to me, they were furious!

First of all, they know I've been together with this guy for a long time but I thought they might get softer throughout all these years but boy was I wrong. They live in a different country along with the rest of the family and relatives so I'm the only one here in the US. I understand why they would get mad and not trust my fiancee since my mom only met him once, plus he's in the Navy so it's a little hard for us to go across the globe to get together. My parents originally said that it's OK for me to want to marry him as long as we wait 3 years. We were only willing to wait as long as a year and a half so when I talked to my parents again, they changed their opinion that they are now completely against me marrying a white guy and since he's in the Navy, they said they are 100% sure he's going to cheat on me. They wanted me to come back into their house, picked a guy for me and have me marry him even though I don't have any feelings for him. They said feelings can grow later. I mean how messed up is that?! And then they forced me to choose between my fiancee and the whole family (we were talking via phone all the time) and it literally broke my heart. I couldn't answer that because I didn't want to break their hearts so I told them that it was such a childish, selfish and foolish question. They totally degrade my fiancee's job in the Navy and basically said that we will be poor for the rest of our lives. My dad even threatened to disown me and will have me kicked out of his own funeral one day.

All this ruckus is only because he's white. They know how good he is inside and how polite he is to them but they still couldn't get past the fact that he's caucasian. They're so sure he's going to mess our lives up, that he's going to cheat on me and will leave me for a prettier girl. As for me, I know he will not because we've been through a lot more than they know. We've broken each other's hearts, we went through separations for months at a time (as long as 6 months) and I finally know that he will stay true to me and will be able to provide everything for me. I also love him with all my heart and it's so painful to hear my siblings wailing on the phone, accusing me on choosing "that white guy" over our family.

DEC 2010 UPDATE - We are now happily married and my parents have accepted that there is nothing they can do to change my mind so they could either be happy for us or be miserable and eventually regret this later on. I have included the updates along our journey in the comments below. If you need any encouragement or any word of advice please message me or add me to your circle, I would be more than happy to talk to you :)

JAN 2012 UPDATE - We are now  finally trying to conceive after being married for almost 2 years. My parents are more than happy with us being together and my immediate family traveled all the way to the US to attend our wedding ceremony and got to know my husband. God has been very good to us and we are excited to be out of the Navy by the end of the month. My husband is going to go back to school for his Master's degree in Physician's Assistant, and so we are embracing yet another adventure life has thrown at us :)

WTBeals WTBeals
31-35, F
75 Responses Dec 14, 2009

I'm Asian-American and my husband is African-American. He has German and Native-American in him but his skin color is black is what matters to "other people". He is one year older than me. We met when I was 17. Despite the world's views on interracial relationships, I love him still until this day. We've been together for 20 years and counting. My mother was super racist and years later her opinion hasn't changed. She didn't come to our wedding. I keep her out of our lives because she's not the one living mine after becoming an independent adult. There are too many things to do on an everyday basis to think about what color someone's skin is. We've stuck through all of life's challenges...right now his major stroke. I just stopped listening to people's opinions and saw where it went. Interracial relationships are not as bad as people make it as long as you're in it together as a couple and don't care what people think and truly understand the meaning of humanity. To think that life won't have challenges because of skin color is ludicrous. It's the character of the person that matters no matter what race.

Its good that ur parents have accepted u aftr marriage but my mom is v mean n strict, she ll never accept me.. i cannot even leave her. wat to do

Hi, I am an Indian and my BF is also an Indian but we both are from different states however our family is setteled abroad and my BF along with his family are in India. we have been into a serious relationship from past 5 years and want to get married, i have met his parents and they have agreed for our marraige but the problem is my parents as they are quite narrow minded and will nevr allow me to get marraied in any oder culture. I did speak to my mom around 7 months back and informed her evrything about our relationship and also about the boy, initially she ws ready to meet but then suddenly she changed saying that its ok to be friends but nothing more than that. I had expected her to tell dad about me but she did not as she says that dad will not agree at all. I myself did not get a proper chance to speak to dad about us, however we have decided that my BF will call up my dad and ask him for my hand in marraige and his blessings but not sure what would be the outcome of that. its been a very difficult situation as I really dont want to break their heart but we can not stay apart from each other.his parents are also now waiting for our marraige but due to distance its not possible for them to formally meet my parents, also it would be insulting if my parents say no and they still approch my parents.

Pls advice me what should we do at this point. I just keep praying for any miracle but nothing just happens and due to this delay there have been ups and downs in our relationship as well but we did realise that we wont be able to breakup at any point.

please help me :(...

<P class=first>Hi, I am an Indian and my BF is also an Indian but we both are from different states however our family is setteled abroad and my BF along with his family are in India. we have been into a serious relationship from past 5 years and want to get married, i have met his parents and they have agreed for our marraige but the problem is my parents as they are quite narrow minded and will nevr allow me to get marraied in any oder culture. I did speak to my mom around 7 months back and informed her evrything about our relationship and also about the boy, initially she ws ready to meet but then suddenly she changed saying that its ok to be friends but nothing more than that. I had expected her to tell dad about me but she did not as she says that dad will not agree at all. I myself did not get a proper chance to speak to dad about us, however we have decided that my BF will call up my dad and ask him for my hand in marraige and his blessings but not sure what would be the outcome of that. its been a very difficult situation as I really dont want to break their heart but we can not stay apart from each other.his parents are also now waiting for our marraige but due to distance its not possible for them to formally meet my parents, also it would be insulting if my parents say no and they still approch my parents.

Pls advice me what should we do at this point. I just keep praying for any miracle but nothing just happens and due to this delay there have been ups and downs in our relationship as well but we did realise that we wont be able to breakup at any point.

please help me :(...</P>

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My name is Jonathan. I'm black and I've been talking to this girl named Wendy. She is white. When we met we clicked right away. She wanted exactly what I wanted. We talked about making a future together and starting a family and everything. Our relationship was goin great before the family. They are racist towards blacks. Her mom is Puerto Rican and her father is Italian and Irish. He is the worst one in the bunch. So he threatened to disown my girl, said he wouldn't put her through college an would take her car away if she ever dated a black guy. So she lost on where to go with our relationship because she doesn't want to leave her family so right now taking a lil break I guess. Do u have any advice on what I should do because I love this girl. I don't wanna lose her. It's my first time bein in this situation so any advice would be appreciated....please. thank u

I am a white man and my sweetheart is a black woman who is from Nigeria and we have a daughter who is almost a year old. My sister abandoned me because I am with loving woman all because she is not a citizen but she has legal status in this country. My sister would let me have nothing from my mother's will being that my mom died 2 years ago, I am being denied my right to see her ashes get spread. My sister ba<x>ses the this nonsense of abandoning me on her husband's job saying that it will affect his security clearance because my sweetheart is not a citizen and told me I should take a DNA test of my daughter. My sweetheart and I have been together for 2 and a half years and we are going very strong and what my sister did made my sweetheart feel like she was the lowest form of life when my sister has never even met her. I have learned this from the movie Something New which had Sanna Lathan and Simon Baker where in the movie Lathan's father told her that "Love is an adventure, it's not a decision you make for other's. It's a decision you make from your own heart." Love knows no color.

Hi, I'm also Chinese and used to live with my family in the Netherlands. I met my fiance in the Netherlands. He is American, in the air force and worked on a base in Germany. From the first time my parents met him, they didn't like him. The reason: He is not Chinese.

After a year he proposed to me. When I told my parents that we are going to get married. Instead of being happy for me, they started talking about: a bride price, why his parents were not coming to the Netherlands to meet them, Chinese wedding rituals, etc. They didn't ask for our opinion at all. My fiance never heard of a bride price and he got mad that he has to pay my parents. He decided not to pay my parents anything, since they never treated him nicely.

We decided to plan our wedding without the involvement of any parent. In the middle of the planning, my fiance got his orders from the air force to move back to the US earlier than expected. We couldn't plan our wedding in the Netherlands anymore and had to apply for a fiancee visa for me, in order to get married in the US.

During the application time, my parents never stopped talking bad about him. They disapprove of me getting married to an American. They believe that he will cheat on me when he is deployed. They think he doesn't make enough money, because he doesn't want to pay a bride price. My parents are furious.

One month ago I moved to the US. We have to get married within 90 days. My parents still complain and tell me that I am a bad daughter. I told them that we will have a very simple wedding in order to get my status immigration status changed. Also, I told them not to come, because witnesses are not needed. They told me that I'm cheap.

They don't listen and don't want to listen to me. It makes me sad and frustrated when I hear them. I get a suffocating feeling. Can anyone tell me how to deal with this?

Both our parents are against our marriage. I don' know what to do. I am a Sikh and he is a Hindu ( Gujarati). We been dating for 11 years.

omg! i am going thur the same thing now! we are planning to get marry next year. and my dad was like " i am not gonna go to US. " ....

How did you get the courage to choose your boyfriend over your family? I'm in the same situation except for my boyfriend is black and Indians are anti blacks my mother is a pain in the butt with my boyfriend and I was told I would be disowned as well. how do I get the courage to let go of my family. I'm really unhappy here I don't want to be here I only want to be with my boyfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. how do I let go? how do I tell my mom I'm choosing him over you? because even though I will choose him over my mom I still have that fear that if it doesn't work out I'm left with nothing I still have that fear of everything training for the worse

hi asian plzz help me in my love.. i need ur advice ... my parents are agnist my love..

How did you marry him when you parents were against? Did you go for registered marriage?

I am so glad to have read that things turned out well for you both. I am a white american woman with two kids, from different men. I was with my best friend/love of my life, who is Indian. We fell in love and he decided to tell his brothers about us. They were against it, and went behind his back and told his parents. He broke it off with me bc it would hurt too many people and he didn't want to go against his parents. This happened almost 9 months ago. We still saw each other for about 6 months, then his brothers found out and he ended it for good. I am so heart broken, and don't know what to do. I was so sure this was Gods will. My ex I guess thought we were wishful thinking.

Well, my case so similar with you. Even though I am 29 this year. I am a Malaysian Chinese. My Husband is American Latino. We just got married secretly in Las Vegas last Valentine's weekend. It was fun and exciting. We knew each other for like only 6 months. I fly alot to Los Angeles because I am a flight crew. I can't wait to live with him. So need to settle my parents first. And awaiting him to come down to Malaysia on the november. I can't imagine what is my parents' reaction after we tell them we're married. I met his family. Find they are lovely and caring. I just hope my parents able to be like them as well. Long distance relationship is just killing me. My father even can say very nasty words to describe him because he is different race. My father just want me to get married to a person who is same race and same culture with me. I love my parents as well but of cause I love my husband as well. He is very special and important to me. I am ready to live the rest of my life with him. Any idea that allow me to convince my parents. And I cannot wait to move over there very quickly to be with him.

What if your parents say no? Will you go against them?

Hi there thanks for sharing your story. I am Sikh and I am dating a tamil guy. My parents refuse to accept him and kicked me out. We want to get married and sometimes it is so hard knowing that I don't have support from my family. He is such a good guy and I can't imagine my life without him.


I am indian and dating a white guy. I really like him and cant imagine my life without him. its only been near a year but I am scared about how my parents will react. my sister told to stay clear off as my parents would be made to go through hard times but I want them to be happy for happiness should be theirs right?...I don't want to tell them till in 3 years or so when I am ready to worried about them disowning me ..... how would I approach it ...

I'm white! I'm really blond, green eyes, skinny, big cheated, you know the typical all American looking white woman! I was with the love of my life for three years. We lived together and did everything togeather. He had problems with my lifestyle as well as I had problems with his. But our deviating breakup had a lot to do with me wanting to take it to the next level. Marriage, kids ext... But he would never introduce me to his parents. He said they didn't care if I was white and I know that they knew about me because of Facebook. Yet he never took me to meet his family. Even though we're broke up hell still deny that they would have a problem with me but his good friend told me his parents was traditional. They're korean by the way. It's sucks. I still live him but I guess he can never give me what I want and deserve :(

I'm having a similar experience. I'm from a Christian family and am dating a guy from a Muslim family. We've been together for 8 years now and plan to get married, but neither of our families approve. I am getting so tired of having to earn their happiness for us. How do you guys deal with the pain, stress and heartache? I'm close to deciding that I just won't bother earning their approval. They can either be happy for us or not. I really want to make that choice, but since I respect my parents (and his parents), it's tough...

Your situation had more to do with religion than anything else and that is going to make it tough! Values, morals, and tradition is what most parents are concerned with. In your case it's so much more. Religion is what deferentiates everyone. My child could bring home another race and it might would be hard but another religion I would have a hard time accepting myself and I'm open minded. Religion separates us and makes us who we are. As a Christian they are probably more so fear for you. You guys come from two different worlds. If he ever took you to his homeland, he could literally own you. He could do what ever he wants with you. You will have no rights! Even if you go on a vacation to his homeland, if he wanted, he could keep you two there and you would have 0 say in anything. I know you probably say, oh he wouldn't do that... He loves me! There have been so many Anerican wemon that've being held captive in the Middle East right now because they can't leave without their husbands permission. Those men can kill you by Jewdaio law if you so much as even look at another man with desire. There are many books and a couple movies about this and they're not a bunch of bullshit. Watch the movie Not Without My Daughter. It's a very true story and puts things in a good perspective for any American woman that wants to Marty an Arabian Muslim man. Your parents just probably are a little scared and they should be. Muslims don't have a good track record for treating wemon and a equal or a human being for that fact. Just saying, if you Marrie the man, DO NOT LEAVE THIS COUNTRY WITH HIM EEEVVVEEER!!!!!!!! More than likely you will not make it back alive. Atleast a lot of other wemon haven't :/

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People ***** about southern parents, but asian parents are such racists

alstephens what a degrading response, its racisim when u degrade another race.. make them your slave because of their color. the writer is discussing the family never having to deal with interracial marriages ... enlighten ur mind.. this blog wasnt to start a race war, u clearly have issues.. and shud work on being a happier person

Sorry pd82, I should have not made a blanket statement. I have just had a couple of bad experiences with fathers disliking me because I was not their preferred race.

Yes they are. Quite ashamed of the asian. I am asian. We new generation has to change that. Cannot blame them, because of education or surrounding cause them become like that.

Remember: If they are white, its racist. If they aren't, it's cultural.

Very very very true!!! I totally agree with you there. If us whites even look at someone sideways it's racist and a big deal comes of it. But others are okay to do it because... Well idk that answer yet my damn self O_o. And I'm not racist and I'm not trying to be ugly but just trying to be truthful about the whole matter. Black people are thee worst!

Hello all

I'm sorry to hear of the problems you are facing, and hope sharing your experiences on here is helping in some way.

If anyone is interested in sharing their experiences on a more pubic platform (anonymously if you wish) then MTV Voices is doing a focus on young couples whose parents won't allow them to be together. MTV Voices is a social responsibility non-profit platform all about getting young people's voices and opinions out there, from all over the world.

Anyone who is interested in sharing their story - please get in touch.


After going through what you have posted, it has really given me courage, which i really need today. I am a Hindu and I love a guy who's in gospel. We love each other since 5 years and are now planning to get married and since 1 year am convincing my parents but they still oppose. I am 22 yrs and my boyfriend 30 yrs and he is a well settle man. The only reason of rejection is religion and like your parents black mailed you emotionally, they did the same with me and this really pains. Now my boyfriend wants to come home and talk to my parents and i really don't know what to do if they still reject. Please help me to get out of this awful situation,please please...

It's good to read everybody's response and know that I'm not alone here. I'm a mixed (mullato) Canadian man and I'm approaching my 7th year in a committed long-distance relationship with a Korean American woman. traditional thinking of old Korean mom and dad and how they disapprove of our relationship has always been a source of conflict over the years even though we haven't met or even spoke to each other. Every time I go to visit my girlfriend, we go through the routine of her asking me to be completely dead quiet while she talks to her parents on the phone, so they don't suspect that I'm with her. It's not that she feels ashamed to be with me; she's just petrified of how they'd react (although, I'm sure they know better when their daughter unexpectedly decides to go away on a trip for a week!). She loves her parents but she loves me too. They know I've been seeing her for many years but they still believe this is just a "thing" and I will eventually cheat on her or find someone "better". They've also had unpleasant encounters with my "race" as they used to run a convenient store for many years that was burglarized by African Americans a couple of times.Next year. I'm hoping to move our relationship to the next level (marriage) but she wants me to get permission from her parents before I pop the question *gulp*. I believe that if they were able to meet and get to know me, things would go a lot smoother and they would eventually warm up to me. Unfortunately, we currently live in two different countries which makes that difficult and sadly I wouldn't qualify for a work visa to temporarily live in the U.S. My parents know about the relationship and have met my girlfriend on a few occasions (hell, my mother let my gf and I sleep in the same room together!). My mom knows about our weekly online date nights I have with my gf, and the times I go to visit her, and respects our time together. So, for the most part, I'd say my mother approves of the relationship. Last year, my dad met my girlfriend for the first time and it was also a pleasant experience. Seven years is a long time to be someones boyfriend or girlfriend I think. I stayed with her even when she said she was going to attend college for four years. She graduated in January. She just turned 31 this month and I'll be 28 next May, so I think it's getting near time where we both want to settle. I long for the Christmas', Thanksgivings, and Halloweens we'll have together, and the beautiful children we'll create. The biggest challenge right now, is to win over her folks to releasing the hand of their only child. To help me along with this journey, I purchased a copy of Rosetta Stone to learn Korean, so I can have a basic conversation with them. I hope this will impress them and feel a bit more comfortable with me as their future son-in-law.

It makes you want her even more since its such a struggle and hard thing to get! :)

I'm in the same boat I'm white my parents are from Poland and I'm dating a Haitian girl born in the states I'm 26 she's 27 we love each other and want to get married but my parents aren't accepting of my relationship because she is black. We met each other in a church group we are both devout Catholics which I love about her don't know what to do should I ignore my parents and marry her who knows if my parents will attend my wedding or if they will cut contact from me

All this because he is white?

Oh yeah! They're very big on keeping there own with their own!

This is great! I'm an indian muslim guy dating a white christian girl. I am going through the exact same thing. We've broken up a few times due to pressure from mom (dad doesn't even know yet) and we have talked to each other saying we want to get married at 30 (i'm 28 and she's 26). Mom is giving me SUCH a hard time about being disappointing, about how she will find me a girl (she has tried and i've tried respecting her by talking to them but it just feels way too weird). I have 0 idea how to deal with the potential loss of my family (threats to disown me), my own happiness and the guilt I feel about putting them through this. Any words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated!

You are not alone...I hope things are better for you now?

I'm so happy that this isn't as rare as I thought, but at the same time it is sad. I'm from a italian household and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is Vietnamese. His family lives in Oklahoma and whenever we visited them they were always so nice to me and tried to bring me out of my shell. (I was nervous because they do not speak very good english) it was only until the beginning of this summer that things started being a little different when his mother asked if he wanted to marry a girl for money and bring her over. He immediatly said no and that was the end of it. 3 weeka ago she asked again but said that she needed the money to buy a house and that the family would approve of the other girl more. This started a huge fight between us and almost broke us up. We ate visiting them in september and he told me that he is going to tell them that he is going to be with me and if they don't like it to bad. It makes me so happy that he loves me that much but I would feel terrible if they won't talk to him because of me. I hope I have your happy ending were they accept this. Wish me luck!

Hello everyone, I am also in an interracial relationship and have been for the past 2 years and 3 months. We both attend the same college and see eachother daily. We are so good for eachother and have so much love. He is from a traditional African family and they do not approve of our relationship because it is against their religion. My boyfriend does not practice, but I can definitely tell that he feels guilty for disappointing them. We have had a serious discussion about all of this and had come to the decision that we would stay together. Things have gotten way better, but I feel like everything is building up. He has been gone on a trip for a long while and is coming back this month and told me today that he may not be able to come see me right away because it may be suspicious to his family. What does that mean? I respect his family and culture, but I don't like feeling like he is ashamed of me and our relationship. I know he doesn't want to disappoint anyone and really wants to be with me, but is it unfair to expect him to stand up to his family a little? All of your thoughts and comments are truly needed and appreciated, thank you!

That is not fair to you... IT IS WRONG! I think you need to have a serious talk with him and if he doesn't get it right,,, MOVE ON!

<p>H Everyone</p><p>my sistuation is the same yet a lil different. im a indian female 26, and have been dating a white male, 36 for about two years now without my parents knowing about him. i really wanetd to tell them but froze and couldnt becoz i know how close minded they are especially about interracial couples and white men, especiall commments that i get from mum when she sees interacial couples walking together. they think only indian men would do because it eliminates the shame on the family. but i dont understand why is that shameful- if two people love and respect each other and are both mature enough to know what they want why should it bother the world or them. all people are human and have the same on the inside regardless of race.</p><p>anyhow, so they found out about him like a week ago and mum and sister went balistic and swore as me and said that he would use me becauase hes white and older ect. its so odd that my sister married an indian man that any indian parent would be more than proud to show off to the world, a docter,nerdy, educated family ect and he turned out tho be the biggest con of them all and hurt my sister terible, they are now getting a divirce. does that not show people that dating people that look good on paper and meet all the ticks on a checklist is not what equals happiness and a good strong relationship. although my guy is white and may not be a doctor ect but makes a good honest living and treats me with so much resopect, is that not more important. </p><p>so my dad is more rational than my mum and he wants to meet him next week to get to know him, and my mum doent seem keen becoz she hasnt spoken to me since them, nor hav my sisters. im so nervous and scared....actually terrified that they will find fault with him...either on apperance or something and try to talk me out of it. my mind is made up i really do feel that i met my soulmate. i am however grateful that my dad wants to meet him ect. i will keep you posted on how it goes. </p><p>although we are indian, we dont really practice anything religiously and nor do we go to temple so religion is not so much an issue its more the shame of dating outside the race. we do still do some of the cultural indian rituals and ceremonies. my guy knows about this and is open to understanding and learnign about it as much as i am about going to church and learning more about god from that aspect. </p><p>sorry for the long response...felt more like a venting session here. :-). anyone have any similiar experience like me. how did it go?</p>

I am in the same situation as everyone else ... I have been with my boyfriend for two years.He is Italian and I am Vietnamese. I am 22 years old and he is 23. His family loves and adores me but my family does not like him. My sisters are so cruel and nasty to him for no reason. My mom was okay with him at first but once my dad found out she changed her mind. Him and I argue about it all the time and he wants me to speak to my parents in hopes they will change their mind but he does not understand that I have tried. My parents won't budge. I know they pretend at times that our relationship doesn't exist. I feel so scared to speak to my dad about it since I do not have a good relationship with him. I am so depressed at times because I know he feels sadden by this. I feel so hopeless at times knowing I can not do anything about it. Sometimes I wish race was not a factor and people could see past it. I hope some day this changes ...

Girly, I know how you feel. My Mexican bf of 5.8 years constantly thinks I can change their mins too. I didn't come out to my parents until end of summer last year. My parents went bazaar! I went to my mom first and I felt like although she didn't accept it, she's was...slightly ok with it until my dad went ballistic changing her mind about it all (I know it's hard for her to stand neutral with her husband and child). The very few times the subject of him and me have came up, there were yelling, tears and no talking for weeks following. All other times, they act like nothing happened and that he doesn't exist, they never acknowledged him as my bf nonetheless even a human being. They don't want to know him or of him. Ever since I moved back home from college, we don't get to see each other as much because I'm not allowed to go out. I'm 23 and not allowed to go out all because they bombard me with questions nailing down who I'm with and why. It wasn't like this till I told them about bf last year. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because the thought of being banned from coming home if i ever marry him. My dad went as far as telling me I'm not allowed to attend his funeral. It's unfortunate and it SUCKS. It's been with him for nearly 6 years but that doesn't matter to my parents and it doesn't make things easier.

Same here omg I am dating a mexican and my parents are so agonist it I am so confused and don't know what to do! This guy is all my heart wants I need advice

Hi jojjoo, thanks for sharing your struggles. I felt like I was reading my own biography, though I might be slightly older than you. I'm also an only child, Asian, strict parents, and been with my bf who is Mexican for over 5 years. My parents have yelled, threatened, disowned me and kicked me out, not spoken to me for months...the whole shebang. But they did let me back into their lives after a bit. They haven't met my bf yet (still!) but I am optimistic this year is the year they will, even if I have to be totally rude and just force them. Did your parents ever come around?

I am currently in a serious relationship with a Korean man. We're both in college (he's a senior finishing his last semester) and both American citizens. His family lives here in the US, but does not support him dating a white girl. His aunt has been spreading terrible rumors about me (saying I'm abusive and just using him-she's never met me!!!) and his sister flat out told me that I should "Enjoy it while it lasts. It won't be long." His mother won't as much as look at me, (even when I offer to help her with things/chores) but has told him that I am rude and impolite. It seems really hopeless, but he talks of marriage and forever. I know how much his family means to him, and I just don't think he could chose them over me. I also know that he loves me crazy. Do you have any advice on this? I want to have your happy ending! haha

Hey I'm in the same situation, my parents just don't like western culture. I have hidden relationship with my boyfriend, he's an Australian. Once I heard my parents said that they thought western culture is crazy, too much freedom and have no rule; just like a wild animal. I believe that's not true, maybe they saw it from television, which is only 3% of western culture shown in there. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. he's like my best friend, my love and my family. he's actually reminds me a bit of my father and my brother. I love him because all that he is, not because of anything. I love him, even little things that he has. his perfect and imperfection. we're now in long distance relationship. I can still feel he's the same guy.
As long as I'm with him everything looks positive to me.

The thing that make me stress is that life without him and the fact that I keep secret from my parents. Other thing that keep my stress is that I'm so afraid that if I tell them, we will have bad relationship and people around my family will talk about me. I don't want to let my parent down and I don't want to lose my boyfriend.

I never like it when I go home, unlike other people that got excited when they able to see their family. I'm just unhappy. Everytime I'm home, my life is just not as happy as when I'm alone in another country. Even though everything is there at home, life is just like a bird in a cage. It's the opposite when I got to life on my own in another country. Life is full of struggle of course, but it's a wonderful feeling because I'm free and I'm happier. and besides I met him. my love.

My parents always talk about when I'm come home again. And about helping my dad in my homecountry. They just put pressure to me because I can't say "Dad, I have a boyfriend and he's an Australian. I love him. And I want to live in another country having my own life. I will visit you of course, is not that I don't want to see you again. I love you, mom and my sibling, but life is just not right when I'm there. Please understand me? don't you want me to be happy? I think this is the right thing?"
I don't think good words will come out from his mouth if I ask him like that

What should I do? I think about this all the time. It's haunting me whereever I go; on the train, campus, work or even my own bed. I can't be peace. please help me.



I wish I can tell you everything will be all right, but it's been a year since I told my parents about my interracial almost 6 year relationship (Asian with a Mexican boyfriend). They act like nothing happened... Only when it's brought up again.. it never ends well. I tried the calm and sturdy talk many times. It always ends with tears and yelling. I still don't know what to do. But I can tell you that I personally feel that it's easier since your family is in a different country so they really can DO anything to make you not see him/ be with him. Your situation sounds a little like it could work like the author's. I use to think that keeping the relationship hidden would make a whole difference, it might since it doesn't strain your relationship with your parents. But what's the difference of telling them today or a year from now? Will they really change the way they feel about it? I told my parents almost 5 year into my hidden relationship...and telling them about how long we've been together didn't help a tad. It's still hard dealing with it because my parents do live here in the states as well (and I just moved home from college), I'm a prisoner in my own home. Every time I go out, they make sure it's with someone they know and emphasize that I can't see "that guy." The don't acknowledge him as my bf. I don't want to scare you because of the way my parents act, I just wanted you to get a sense that telling them sooner or later...probably won't change too much. The whole happiness part? I used that explanation too. They don't care. They believe if I love them enough, I would listen as well. It just doesn't work with my parents. I don't think anythings ever going to change until the day I choose him over my parents (marry). I know they won't support me...I know they won't attend my wedding...I know I won't be allowed to visit. But those are all the things they say would happen if I choose to spend my life with my bf. Will I be banned to see my parents forever? I don't know. But if you really want to be with your significant other, eventually you MUST make a choice near sacrifice. I mean, you choose to be with your significant other because you do see a forever with them with/without your parents :/ Sadly that choice is unfortunate... but it has to be made even though it's utterly unfair. Neither bf or parents should give us that kind of ultimatum. I've know friends whos' parents are completely out of their lives for that reason. And I know one or two who's story turned out like the author's.

its great to hear things have changed for the better ;) where would the world be without lovers ? i have been in interracial relationships and I'm almost certain i will end up in an interracial marriage if i ever get married, i just hope that it won't be to riddled with difficulties imposed by the parents (although I'm a tough cookie, so not to worried about external pressures outside of the relationship hehe)

Asians are not the only people white are not the only people against race mixing i am black and proud i do not want to mix either , the truth of the matter is that you not against your daughter marrying white just not black , i am against marrying white and asians i love my kinky hair and brown complexion i do not want Asians or white health problem i do not feel racist that i want my family to stay black and proud you do not have a monopoly on not wanting to mix and i not racist just proud of who my parent was and i know that mixing with you could not give me that.

But that sounds racist and intolerant. I'm sorry you don't see it and are in denial. I hope you will see the light.

That actually sounds very racist. I'm glad you are proud to be black, but you don't stop being black or develop "asian" or "white" problems just by marrying someone of a different race or having children with them. You and your family will always be black, and no other amount of races mixed in will ever change that.

I wish you all the best. My situation didn't go so well. I am white and my husband is Korean. To this day, my side of the family has never spoken to me since they found out I like asian men and don't want to date/marry a white man. After having my daughter, they stopped speaking to me all together. My mother-in-law has said multiple times to her son and to me...that she wishes I was Korean and not white and that she wishes he would of married a Korean girl. She is nice to me and is even asking for more grandchildren, but it still hurts that my skin color and the color of my husband's skin has shaped sadness in my heart.

Hello everyone. First of all, thank you for sharing your stories of love and courage. They are truly inspirational. I stumbled upon this website today as I sought out information about interracial relationships.

I truly need some advice. I feel very alone when it comes to this matter. I am a 23yr old Puerto Rican woman and my partner is a 19yr old Chinese American. We have been together for 9 months. He is exceptionally supportive and understanding of who I am and everything I do, despite how difficult it may be. I have Crohn' s Disease, and it is very difficult finding a partner whom you are truly comfortable with physically, emotionally, etc. He doesn't look at me and what I have to endure with this disease, and think, ' Oh, poor you.' He admires my strength.

Despite all this, there is one matter that unsettles me. He refuses to tell his parents about our relationship. He is an only child, therefore I understand how his relationship with them is so important. I would never come in between that. However, I introduced him to my family and friends almost immediately. I understood that there would be some disagreements, but I was willing to endure whatever happened as long as I proved to him that he is also a priority to me. He can't though. He says that he has never spoken to his family about relationships or sex, so it is difficult to bring this up. He doesn't want to disappoint them. He says that they will NEVER accept me, that they will criticize me. That he can' t bear to see what that will do to me. I've told him that I can't make anyone like me, but I wouldn't' t want to be hidden either. It is hurtful. When he is home from breaks, our time together is restricted, because I have an allotted time,so he may have dinner with his parents and spend their days off with them. He can't have dinner at my house, or even by ourselves because he doesn't' t want to disappoint his mom by skipping dinner. I also receive a lot of pressure from my parents (especially my mom) because they can' t understand why he can't introduce me to his family as his partner. My parents think that because I am Latina, his parents believe I am less than them; unworthy. That makes my parents furious. For Latinos, family is utterly important as well. But my family refuses to accept him until he ' stops being a coward.'

Him and I have argued about this so much. He tells me is scared to relay this information to them, and he is just not ready to deal with what might occur. I am willing to give my all, and have, for us, but I feel like there are so many ifs, and or buts from him. He said he would tell them this break, now he has told me that he is not comfortable yet. If made me feel very hurt and alone. However, a friend of mine told me that this isn't' t about me. That this is his situation to deal with, and that I just needed to let it go and allow him to deal with it at his own accord.

Will he ever tell them? Or will I just be hurt even more in the long run because he cannot make the big gesture for me?

I understand what you are going through, I am latina too, and have an indian boyfriend. Although my situation has not yet resolved, I am in a much calmer state than I have been in a long time. All I can tell you is that your situation is only the beginning, that when you say you are willing to give it your all, that is exactly what it's going to take.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years, we are both 25+ years, with well established careers. And like you, we are both very attached to our families. It only took a couple of months to figure out the situation with his parents, that they were not going to accept a non-indian partner for their son. Since our relationship was so new, it was hard to really know if what we felt wasn't really just fuzzy and thoughtless feelings of a new love, so after the first confrontation with his parents (he had also put it off even though I immediately started hassling him to talk to them), we ended up breaking up... for the first time (yes there were several breakups and times apart). However, our strongest connection has always been our friendship, we were friends for an entire year before we even acknowledged our feelings for each other, and I think both us were already truly in love with each other by the time we got together, even when neither of us could understand it at first. We have never been able to do without each other's friendship, even when we have tried to be apart... even when separated by thousands of miles and weeks without talking to each other.

The thing you have to understand, that he loved them first, and that attachment is something that no one will ever be able to diminish. He knows what they feel/seem to understand is completely wrong, yet it is against his very nature to hurt those he loves in any way even though they are wrong. This has nothing to do with you. This has taken me a very long time to understand. I have been through extremely difficult times and even times of depression and confusion. I've questioned his feelings for me until I almost drove both of us crazy. Yet every single time we got to the point of no return, I couldn't come to any other conclusion that he really does love me and that I truly do love him. We resolved to stay together and have him keep trying with his family, basically not to accept having to give either side up. This is a lot easier said than done.

It does hurt so very much to be accepted for something that you can't help. That you know (and probably so does he) that no one in the world will love him the way you do. But one thing must be straight with your bf and yourself, that he needs to face up this battle you must undertake. I can only describe your part of this battle, because it is the side I am part of, but I can tell you after many many months of these depressing and hurt feelings I feel for myself, if he is truly fighting for, you will start understanding how hard all of this is for him. I feel so bad seeing my bf look so stressed, utterly tired, and disappointed he is with this situation with his parents, because in the end, it is him they are hurting, not you.

So my situation isn't yet resolved, but I feel calm? The fact is that it isn't until now that I can understand both sides more clearly (my side and my boyfriend's side) I can't deny that both of us have tried our absolute hardest to make this work. At this point in time I can truly and calmly ask God to do his will, and if he wills it, we will be together, because we have given it our all. I don't think I could go through and ask him to give up his family (unless that is his choice) because I cannot imagine giving up mine. I also know that there might come a time that I may no longer want to wait for him in order to start my life with a family. This is where I know that I am maturing as a person, and no longer dramatizing everything. This is not the end of the world. You have to be thankful for the life you've had, the family that loves you, the friends you have, and truly know within yourself that you are very much worth everything you hope for for yourself. My family started reacting like yours when they saw my hurt feelings, but as I found myself gain stability (within myself), they no longer make these comments, they kind of just wait until I want to talk about my bf in front of them because they trust I know how to handle my situation.

I love my bf with all my heart, in spite of all the hurt feelings and hard times we have experienced, I know that we really do love each other, and I would wish nothing more than to be able to marry him. However, I know I have to be ok if that does not happen. Everything has to happen as it should, as long as we try our best :)

I can't agree more with mg32. Simply because I'm in her bf's situation. I can promise you this, just because your bf can't resolve things the way you think is easier. Or ways you were raised to do so, it doesn't mean he's not trying. My Hispanic bf broke up with me (Asian) after 3 years over this reason. His mother left her family to be with my bf's dad. Just because his mother did that at 18 years old. Doesn't mean I am capable of losing all connections with my parents. We got back together after several months because I was practically pressured like you girls are/were pressuring your bfs, to come out to my parents. We just passed our 5 year mark of being together. I told my parents this past August... I've been so...SO...depressed and stressed over the situation. I can immediately cry trying to think about how much I love my parents and how much I love my bf. I don't want to lose any of them. There's going to come a day where I will have to gather up the courage to "dishonor" the family (I am only child). There's going to be a day where I have to emotionally prepare myself to never see parents again. If you love your parents, how would you feel if they made you choose a guy you love for several years over people who brought you into this world? How would you feel if they threaten to ban you from their funeral? Refuse to be at your wedding? Refuse to let you visit home? Reassure you the moment you walk about of the door with him, they want nothing to do with you? It's VERY easy to say "If I love them that much, I would." Another to actually go through it and feel obligated to do so when you're just not ready yet.

Hi Jojoo,

I had to reply to you as I am in an identical situation to you in that I\'ve told my parents about my relationship too and they\'re in the same kind of state of denial. I really feel for the people who are the \'hidden\' partner in the ,relationship,but like you say,the pressure is really on when it becomes a choice between parents and partner.

I hid my relationship for about a year before telling my parents and they said exactly the same things as the author of the post: \"he\'ll cheat\" \"he\'s just using you\" \"I don\'t trust him\"\"you\'ll be poor\" \"you\'re not my daughter.\" people who say that they don\'t meanwhat they say don\'t understand how deeply entrenched these fears and feelings are. my parents conceded to meeting my bf, but although they were perfectly pleasant,they had already made their minds up: they wouldn\'t and will never accept him. post meeting we had phenomenal fights over him. my mother verbally abused me and even grabbed me by the neck and tried to throttle me. thisis standard behaviour by my parents when they dislike something. At some point somehow, things calmed down, but now they\'re using a differentt tactic by acting like he doesn\'t exist and talking as if everything is normal and speaking as if I\'m not seeing him and in terms as if I need their validation to do anything e.g. \"we trust you.\" it\'s manipulative and frustrating, but they do it because they live in hope that we\'ve broken up, yet as they are still secretly concerned need to test me by using terms like \"we trust you\" to force me to reveal if I\'m seeing him or not on any given occasion,when I do not need to. it\'s cruel.

Unfortunately, there isn\'t one answer that fits all and as is obvious doing the big reveal to parents doesn\'t almost create a happy outcome. As such,in my view we can only hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. It\'s a horrible situation to be in for the partner as well, but from the perspective of the person doing the revealing it\'sarguably a bigger gamble:one might lose not only one\'s family but also the person one is doing it for as well. It\'s a horribly difficult situation.  

I am Bengali and I am in love with a black man. With the stereo types they have my parents are furious and making me choose. He is such a wonderful guy..we both have a great career in accounting and he is currently getting his masters to get his CPA and so am I. He comes from an amazing family and him or his family does not meet stereotypes given at their race.It's sad because my mom knows how much I love this man but ignores it by looking for a man for me through her friends and tells everyone to look. I love my parents they have done so much for me but I have made them proud and this far did what they liked for me to do...but this time I want to be able to make a decision. It has been making me so sad that I am falling into depression. I can't leave him it will be a big loss in my end. He is amazing and has been supporting me through this. Please pray for us

Girls, I found my sense of belonging over here.
I am a Chinese with an Indian boyfriend for almost a year, I faced dramas and harsh comments of telling what I should do and it is "good for my life". I am very new dealing with this and I broke down many times because of what my family member said.
It is very heart breaking for me and I am looking for a way to solve this. The Chinese culture inherents in me, I love and respect my family. But when they talked abt the issue between me and my bf, they made it sound like I am a very bad daughter.
He helped with my English, guided me for my homework, introduced me to a freer and relax environment. There is something that a Chinese boyfriend cannot give me.
I feel terrible arguing with my family, yet I feel terrible letting him know I suffer like this. Perhaps I am too young to understand their concerns, but what they are doing is just pushing me further away from them, and destroying my image of my nice family members.
Why are they telling me who should I choose for life? If I listened to them and chose a Chinese guy, is that their responsibility when he turned out to be a total jerk and I put the blame on them?

I really need help and find a way to get out of this, I feel helpless.

I am in a similar situation. My family will not accept my boyfriend who is of a different religious background and have told me they will never accept it. It is such a horrible thing to go through. I have also said to my parents if I married a man that is the same religion but he turns out horrible then what would they do?? How are things now for you?

I am in a similar situation too. How are things turning out for you? No update so far..

I can't believe we all have such similar stories...I am chinese with a hispanic boyfriend. We've been together for almost EIGHT years now, and i have been keeping this from my parents. They have always told me they did not want me to marry a colored man. I am 24 and still trying to establish my career. I figure i would tell them once i get into graduate school,which will be within one year because i don't want to hide it any longer. his family keeps telling him he needs to meet my parents. I know my parents will not approve, they have found out about him before and all hell broke loose. I feel so childish hiding this relationship but its all i can do to keep peace at home, i don't want to break my parents heart, i am very close to them....Holidays are the worst because we can't spend them with each other. I'm so torn by this, its breaking my heart and causing me major anxiety....

Girly, I know your pain. I too, am Chinese with hispanic bf. We've been together for 5 yrs. Of all yrs I hid the relationship, I got so fed up with lying behind their backs..I came to my mom about it this August (THINKING she'd be more understanding). My life has been so miserable and confusing at home that I just want to stay at my campus apartment all the time. For weeks my parents went insane throwing out absurd threats (can't attend their funeral the day they die, I can't visit home ever after I marry him/not allowed to come back, they won't attend my wedding, and that I won't be acknowledged anymore). My parents are traditional, so in theory I shouldn't move out on my own unless it means marriage (that's if your job is within driving distance). For the last 2-3 weeks they've been nothing but super nice to me, I knew they didn't change their minds about him, but a part of me liked that they were keeping my life with them separate from my relationship with my bf. Or so I thought. Turns out today, after a phone call, I realize they've been acting this way and buying me things in hopes it was going to buy my heart (changing my mind about my bf). Of course, we got into an argument (we've tried the 'talk in calm manner,' it never worked). And I'm now back to square one. I'm about to graduate. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get ANY freedom moving back home turning 23! Not to mention, I'm an only child... It breaks my heart that I can't have best of both worlds. I love my parents and I love my bf. It's so unfortunate that our parents are so stubborn and closed minded to our generation (I'm not talking about those under 15)...I'm talking about those growing up in the 90's not necc. born in the 90's....we had that transition period where the parents are still have older generation mind set. I used to be like you saying that I rather wait till I graduated/get into grad school to tell them. Then I realize it probably wouldn't wouldn't make a difference in the world. My education, my "good" things aren't going to change his ethnicity, physical attributes, education,job, etc. My parents were going to hate him/ not want to ever meet him BECAUSE of who he is....not what I've done. When I came out about it, exactly that happened. They have always been so forceful with me finishing college and finding a good job. It was just the bare min. line of importance towards the relationship (of course if they ever (I hope they will) overcome his ethnicity and want to meet him) THEN, my education &amp; and his would matter.

It hits me so hard how many of us share these stories...I've long accepted the world is slow to change, but I guess I still hope for the best for me - and I'm 32! :)

I'm Chinese, my boyfriend is 29 and Latino and he's my soulmate. We get along better than we do anyone else we've ever lived with (we've both been in several long-term live-in relationships with those of our same ethnicity).

Even at this age, I still get lectures and racist crap from my mom who's not even in the country anymore. The benefit of our age is that we're adults with jobs so we can just go ahead with our lives.

I don't want to face the situation my childhood friend did - her immediate family disowned her when she married a poor, white, non-college graduate. I was the maid of honor at her wedding and though she had a TON of support from extended family, friends and her husband's family, it's still such a painful situation. I do NOT want to choose between my family and my love. We're both hoping for a miracle one day... :)

Hey Everyone...I'm going through the exact same thing with my Chinese girlfriend. I'm an African-American male, 34 years old, divorced with a 10 year old daughter. My girlfriend is 25 and is in graduate school. We've been in a relationship for the last 6 months and things between us are absolutely great, with the exception of the way her parents dislike me, and their reasons behind it. They say they don't like me because of my 'condition' aka, my prior life situation. They say most of the things said below: I'm going to cheat on her, Americans divorce over anything, I'm too old, I'm black, we are going to be poor, etc. etc. I'm a college graduate, pursuing a more established career in the Security Information Technology field. Planning to go overseas for a few years to take advantage of the great opportunities there. But, although I am very active in her life, her parents still won't even give me the chance to show them how much I love and care for their daughter. I've showed her that the rumors and stereotypes penned on African-Americans and Americans is not true for all. Some, but not all. She is torn between the risk of losing her parents because she wants to follow her heart, and losing me because I'm what she truly wants for her life. I'm actually excited about some of the outcomes mentioned in this post...That they will eventually except me after marriage, or after we have children. So, I'm going to hold on to hope that they will not disown her if she and I decided to marry one day. At this moment, she is keeping our relationship a secret from her parents. When I visit, they don't know I'm there. And, she lies to them by telling them she's at the library, or going to spend the day with a girlfriend of hers. I'm not 100% comfortable with her having to lie to her parents at the age of 25, but I feel humbled by the fact that she would go through great lengths to spend quality time with me. Granted, her parents are only here for 6 months, and are 'supposed' to go back to China in February. But, if they go through the motions to try to gain residency here in the States, I smell trouble for our relationship as they will not let her make her own life decisions. I'm afraid that all my love and effort to make and keep her happy will be in vain, because, if she decides to go against her heart, we will break up, and I've wasted all the time, money and effort that's been put into our relationship. Although I enjoy our time together very much, I don't want to waste her time, or mine. But, I can't gain the reassurance that she and I will be together in the end. She says, just enjoy our time now, and we will see. That feels like that's not enough for me to be secure that our relationship is going to progress to the next level, with or without her parents approval.

Hey guys, it is heartening to see similar stories on this blog post. My tale is along the same lines...Ive been with my boyfriend for the last 5 years. He belongs to a lower caste than mine. I come from India. My parents are famous doctors in the city and I am pursuing medicine too at a reputed institute. The person I love is originally from this city but is presently in New york, working at a company. We have been having problems because my parents aren't accepting us. Reason no. 1 is that he belongs to a lower caste, as i mentioned earlier. Reason no 2 is that he isn't a doctor. I have come to despise my parents because of their resistance to this match. Last year I left my house and stayed in the hospital quarters without keeping contact. Even the threat of losing me hasn't made them change their minds. They want me to get married to some hot shot doctor belonging to the same caste as ours. I have refused to see anyone. They know that I am hung up on my boyfriend and they wish we could breakup quickly. My dad wants me to 'treat this as a nightmare' and move on. <br />
My boyfriend and I have gone through some really tough times mainly because of my parent's attitude. They even went to the police to complain against him. I was surprised that after all the mess, he didnt leave me. We're still together, hoping for a miracle. I am heartbroken that my parents do not love me enough to give me my freedom. I cannot live a life they want me to live, even though they think its the best one for me. Its upto me to decide whats best for me right? I tried breaking up with him several times in the last 8 months because of the massive guilt I felt for breaking my parents' hearts. We havent been able to stay apart for more than a couple of days. <br />
We are drawn to each other everytime, come what may; we end up wanting to talk to each other. I feel like we are connected to each other on some spiritual level. Yet, that isnt important to my parents. What matters is their reputation in the society. 'What will others say? Your so talented, your wasting your time over this person? He;s a nobody!' is what i hear day in and day out. Just 3 days ago when I felt extremely guilty for hurting my parents, felt responsible for my mother's rising blood pressure; I told him that I was calling it off. He reacted badly. So did I. We didnt talk for 3 days and today we made up again. We both are super stressed about this, we end up falling ill all the time. <br />
I want to finally stand up to my parents. My mom got attacks of vertigo yesterday on seeing how stressed out I was and I started feeling guilty again. No parents deserve such a horrible kid as me. To make things worse, Im their only child. Sometimes I wonder why God has been so cruel to me, he gave me so much; yet took away everything. I have to stand up to them before they control my life again. I wonder if I even want to be a doctor, if I have been brainwashed all my life. If anyone has read George Orwell's 1984 will know how i am feeling. I have no control over my life, never did have. This guilt will never go away completely, but I need to do something about it. I do not want to live their vision, be with someone they think is perfect for me and working at a post they think is perfect for me. That is their life and not mine. I dont even know what I like anymore, is what I like something they made me like when I was a child? Its scary. Suicide seems like a viable option. But thats on hold for now. I need control, before I lose it altogether.

maybe if YOU fell ill, they'd finally stop being jerks to you. rebel like an English chick!!!!

I understand your pain. It's sad that being happy is at the bottom of the 'list' for parents ... In my case my siblings as well. I was told the same 'to forget this drama had happened and pick myself up and move on' but I know I never will

Wow, your story was inspiring (: ... But reading everyone's comments is making me scared! I've been with my white boyfriend for 6-7 months now... and sigh when I first told my Korean parents about my white boyfriend .. boy were they not happy at all. My mom, out of anger, said that if I end up marrying him, she will never talk to me again... that was harsh. After hours of talking with them that night, we came to the conclusion that they cannot decide who I fall in love with (but they still expressed that they do not like that he is not Korean). I thought we got over this whole "against interracial dating thing", but anytime I try to even bring up something about my bf, they just seem so disinterested. and bring up stories about how "so and so's daughter" is marrying some nice Korean boy. And this is just breaking my heart because even though I am fresh out of college, and still pretty young (my boyfriend is 29, yes.. a big age difference too), it just sucks that I can't even talk about my relationship with my parents anymore... also, the bigger factor is that I feel like there is something really there between us... a feeling like this may be it. But It just sucks that if that time ever does come,... I have no idea how my parents are going to react..... sigh

Now I finally get why all those Japanese/Chinese/Korean guys at my school, the ones with the beautiful, porcelain doll-like faces, almost always ignored me. I thought it was my acne and lack of makeup. Now I think maybe they were just afraid of their parents. Can't say I blame them...

Girly, at least your parents still acknowledge you have a bf. Mine refuse to believe he exist. They don't want to know of him, hear of him, or anything in the sense that he can even POSSIBLY be in my life. Even though he's been in it for the past 5 years =_= I feel like your relationship just may work out simply because it's only been several months, if you guys stay together long enough for them to see that you're happy and better with him. I think they'll come around to accept it, not be happy about it, but at least accept it.

It's one of the loneliest feelings in the world when your family makes you chose. The anger and hurt and confusion that you feel when your own parents generalise about someone you care about and whom they have never met and won't give an opportunity to meet is even worse. That sense of entrapment is so overwhelming particularly when you can't tell whether all the threats your mother makes, the person who has always sacrificed everything for you and would be the last person to deceive you, is true or she is bluffing and trying to guilt trip you. And no moment is darker when you feel like giving up because it feels impossible that you would betray your whole family for just the one person.

Krykry, although I am still in college, I fully understand your emotional experience through my own limited experiences and conversations with fellow Asians in your situation. To start off, I have to applaud your bravery in opening up and letting some steam off; I'm a 2nd gen. Chinese in a predominantly neighborhood, and I realize that it's hard to find someone to have a heart to heart talk with.

To start off, I can refer to the relationship my relative (let's call her for Z for convenience) had with her nonAsian fiance. When the time came for the traditional meeting with Z's family, her fiance was at first assailed with subtle but extremely harsh commentary from the parents. During dinner, the parents treated the fiance as if he did not exist while they ranted on about "pure blood" grandkids, societal acceptance, and "saving face" (since you're Korean, you prob know that the last one is the single most important factor in Asian culture). Surprisingly, this did nothing to stop the couple from marrying. Fortunately, the parents got over the prejudiced hatred, and they are starting to reconnect with the couple. It's a slow and arduous process, but it is completely plausible.

Now for my own experiences (2):
#1. My parents often rant about their sinocentric views, which I believe many immigrant Asians do. These conversations often lead to the topic of relationships, which is not fun at all. I'm not even dating yet and I've already been given the ultimatum of marry Chinese or get excommunicated on a monthly bases. And if you're wondering, yes they do use the "look at all my hard work immigrating here" argument, which isn't entirely false. Personally, I just pretend to acknowledge this. What's REALLY IMPORTANT is the world you live in now. By the time our generation is in control, interracial relationships will not only be widely accepted, but a normal part of life. You should not feel stigmatized because you are a Korean dating another ethnicity. Also, the "disowning" phrase is 99% of the time a bluff. Asian parents love their children too much to fully banish them. As in my cousin's case, it might take a few years to reconcile, but it is inevitable that your mother will accept it.

#2. I've never talked to anyone about this, but here it goes. During high school, I had a crush on one of my caucasian friends for 3 straight years. Due to respect for my parents, I never asked her out (regretfully), although my mother knew about my feelings. The day before I planned to ask her to prom, my parents asked me why I had so many flowers in my room (whoops). When they heard the news, my dad completely flipped on me. According to him, I shouldn't attend dances as a teenager (he's ultraconservative), and I definitely should never ask a white girl to one. My mother supported him only to prevent another outburst. I didn't raise my voice at all; I tried to reason. Unfortunately, he didn't care and ended up throwing the $30 bouquet into the trash can. I starved during lunch for 3 weeks to save up my lunch money for those flowers. End of story? I didn't go to prom, and my friend went alone heartbroken. And the lesson: do what you want, as long as it's not morally wrong or harmful to others. Our Asian parents live in a western country and thus MUST conform to this society. This may take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, but your mother WILL NOT disown you however much she screams. Just work hard to reconcile after marriage.
I SUPPORT YOUR INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIP. If you ever need to rant, just message me :D

You mentioned that your mother mentioned your father in heaven. Are you Christian? I understand that many Koreans here in the US are. If you are, you can remind her that 'keeping the blood pure' is a kind of ancestor worship, and it is idolatry. If she is truly Christian, she should feel greater cheong for white Christians than pagan Koreans. Matthew 12:47-50, Luke 14:26. If she is truly Christian, then she should see education, money, position, what other people think as false gods. All that should matter to her is that your spouse is a good Christian.

Next time she bothers you, put that on her. Put her on the defensive. "Asian" values are un-Christian. You can't be traditionally Korean and be Christian at the same time. Make her choose. If she claims to be a Christian, then challenge her to accept non-Korean Christians into her family. if she insists on being Korean, then call her a pagan and say you don't want pagan influences on your family's life.

I wonder if some of the good looking Korean guys DID secretly like me after all now...There was one I really liked once, he seemed almost afraid of me and acted like I was really ugly or something. Maybe this is why? I always wondered why I never got school is predominantly Asian and I'm an American who looks like an East Indian. Who knows, maybe someone DID go out of their way to get something nice, hoping to ask me to the dance, only to have this happen...

Your comments are simplistic and show how little you understand Asian culture.

You've put exactly how I feel into words

2 More Responses

The problem with today's society is that we emphasis or care too much about our ethnicity, skin colour, gender or even looks. You wonder why racism still exists.. It's because we emphasis on race too much. Already stating "interracial" couple is emphasizing the difference too much, why not we just say couple? I mean big deal you two look different on the outside, but if we all shed our skins we are all genetically and scientifically built the same way. The problem is people make too much of a bid deal over people being with someone who is not the same ethnicity, to me that's dumb because we're all human the only thing that should keep people heads turning is if a person is dating an animal. For me I don't care what race someone is, or how much money is in their bank account. I believe that true love is where you just genuinely love the person for no reason, not because you only fell in love with them because of their looks, wealth, ethnicity ( a fetish is not a sign for love). If that's the case you should just be happy :) and be gone haters

I just thought it'd b nice to share my story of my interracial relationship. I'm probably a lot younger than all of you. I just finished high school and am going into college to study literature. I'm Hispanic and my boyfriend is Chinese, he's a year younger than me so he still has one more year in high school. I know that we are young and only after three days of getting to know each other we started to dating. It's been 7 months with us together and already we've been through a LOT of stuff together. He's been absolutely wonderful to me, my family loves having him around, they are always asking for him. I love him so much cause he really isn't like anyone I've ever met. Both of us has never really been in a serious relationship and we were both virgins too. We truly love each other so much and we decided that after college and when we have a good job and able to support each other financially he wants us to marry and I really would love to marry him too. I've considered our age a lot and the fact that its been only 7 months but we really spend every single second we can together. Here is the tricky part, he has a brother only two years old than him and a half sister who is 9. His real father passed away when his mother was still pregnant with him. After he was born and until he was 14, his mother has pretty much abused him and his brother and blamed him for his father dying. It was just a horrible thing to hear knowing how much he has gone through. I know that even through all that his mom probably still love him and his brother a lot. She's paying for their college and she owns two houses and is going to buy a third and give one of the houses to him and his brother. (His brother and him are extremely close)<br />
His family was born in China and had moved hear to New York. So my boyfriend and his brother are very Americanized. Neither one of them ever wants to date an Asian girl. His brother is a womanizer, he has like three girlfriends. I know my boyfriend is faithful though because we spend so much time together literally. The thing is I'm not sure what I should do with the fact that his mom does not like me. She thinks cause i'm not Asian that I'm going to cheat on him, that we will get divorced if we are married, and she thinks that if I live with him in the house she is giving him that I'm going to take it away and who know what else she's said about me that I know my boyfriend has been cutting out. I've never actually met her before and I'm kinda scared to. My boyfriend says it doesn't matter if his family doesn't approve of us because he wants to marry me anyways. I still want to be able to somehow meet his family and for them to like me because I want him to still be able to spend time with them, family is important to me too and I want him to still have a relationship with him. I'm scared of him being disowned or something. What should I do? I've been considering learning his language and learning about his culture and stuff. Help please?

I am so glad I found this! I am a 24 year old Indian born in America in graduate school in Michigan and my boyfriend is a 24 year old white male in graduate school in South Carolina. We are in a long distance relationship for two years now and before that we were together for a year as undergrads. I was born very conservative and never thought I would be with anyone out of my culture and religion because they are so important to me and I want to teach my kids my Indian culture. But, when I met my boyfriend, there was something different about him. We were best friends for a while before we dated in undergrads. I look up to him and he shares the same moral values and interests as me. I really am inspired by him. He also knows how important my culture is to me and he is learning and adapting to my language, culture, diet, and religion. We both understand that there will be compromises on both sides and it's a two way street. <br />
However, my parents seem to deny and think that he is just my friend. My mom will not get to know him and my dad likes him but they will not accept the fact that we are dating and serious. My mom said that she will try get to know him (as a friend) if I still look for other guys. They will do anything for me to date an Indian guy, even if he knows nothing about the culture and is pretty much all American. It is just about what society thinks. We are serious but still have a while before marriage because we are both in school. But, I have to really give my boyfriend credit for putting up with all of the insults and stereotypes. My parents think they can just control every aspect of my life and won't allow me to visit him (even if they live in Florida). I mean we don't see each other often because of school, but at least 4-5 times a year. They keep saying it is for my happiness and I respect them and love them very much. I understand their concern and I take it seriously. I mean I didn't choose for this to happen. I know it will be difficult and we are still seeing if the different cultures will somehow find harmony. Their suggestions are true because I do want to teach and raise my kids with Indian culture. But, I still think I can ( and with a good father as a role model) and they would see that if they got to know him. I feel like they are trying to stop me because of what they will look like in society and not because of anything else. They are very helpful and social in our community and organize many events for young indian kids to try to learn about their culture in America. My parents know that everyone will pounce on them now and say look at your kids first. They keep telling me that many kids look up to me and that this is not acceptable and not a good example for them. <br />
I want to continue to persist with them and I wouldn't do this much work for anyone else. I love my boyfriend very much and we both want to resolve this very maturely and calm. I respect my parents and I want to somehow make them change their minds. I want everyone to be happy. My boyfriend believes in family values but why would he want to know my family? I am lucky to not have to go through hiding anything ( I can call him and he can visit my house) or having my parents take away things like I am a child. I just don't want to lie about him visiting, but if I tell them, they will flip out. They are very understanding and if they just get to know him, I am sure they will see why I am going through all of this. If not, I will listen to them more, because they are basing it off of something besides pure color of skin.

waos! suddenly i got so many people like me... those who can trust me and who are making me realize that i am not fool or mad etc. if i am in relation with a guy from last 8 years against my parents wish and can't leave him. in my particular case, the guy is from Dalit community or say ex-untouchable caste in India while i am from so called upper caste. My parents say that society will ostracize them if i will marry this guy. i love my parents but i can't leave my bf even. i had though my parents will cow down with time but they did not. they never listen to me. they believe m fool. i am 28 and my bf is elder sister is a divorcee and i was waiting for her to settle down with some guy before i could elope with my choice. but time is running short for me now as the guy's father is seriously ill and want to marry off his son during his life. time has come for my eloping with him now. its sad but inevitable.

btw if you're still trying to conceive, I've heard many success stories happen for people who had acupuncture. no kidding. just find a good one.

Thank you all for replying and sharing your stories, it's crazy how all of us share similar dilemmas. <br />
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For you who's been struggling on telling your parents about your relationship, I really suggest you prepare yourselves and your significant others to just come out and get it over with. I know it's hard and how much it will hurt your parents, but the fact that they cannot control your life stays the same. It is either to please your parents, or live your life. In time they will come to an understanding (especially if you are able to show them how wrong they were about your significant other, and that he/she treasures you just as much as a Korean/Asian guy would, or maybe even more!)<br />
<br />
All of my family members came to our wedding celebration in June 2011 (we got married in March 2010 but no wedding party. Just family members from my husband's side of the fam) and I have to say that we are very blessed. My parents gave us their blessings and we went on a family trip together with my husband. I know we are lucky as well because some of my aunts and uncles encouraged us and talked to my parents (especially my dad who is a VERY stubborn person) and finally made him understand that he either can be happy for us or keep on "cursing" us by telling me that he would do something bad to me in the end.<br />
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We all have done our share of dating behind our parents backs, but believe me, it's better to ease your way out of it. Your parents won't be able to accept the fact that you are MARRYING someone from a different race right away but give them some time to accept the fact and to think about it. Start by telling them that you are dating this person, yes he is white, no he is not a horrible person. Yes, the neighbors/other family members would talk and bad mouth you but doesn't it mean that they are putting their "face" and pride over your happiness and decision? It might take months or even years for them to understand why you are choosing to date/marry someone from a different ethnicity.<br />
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Anyways, thanks again for all of you who shared your stories. I hope everything goes well!

Iwent through the same thing I stay in michigan iam a black male I broke my hindi girlfriends virginty her sistas knew we were together but the parents didn't know at all weloved each other but its hard we went every accept to her parent but she would tell me how they felt about blacks but uknow lot of indians have stores in saginaw michigan and u know what funn they down other races but the indian married men want black woman white woman and there own aindian guy married wanted my exgirl heena to work at his gas station and hitting on her at the same time iknow a indian married man paying the hell out of this black woman but ijust don't like all that racism and stereotype it sux bad ilove indian woman just hard as me being black to meet one its rare but iwill one day again have a good night and iam glad everything worked out for the most of u all


I am so glad to know that there are other people in my situation (but bad because people have to be in this type of situation to begin with). I am 25 y/o Korean from Korea, been dating this white guy for 3 years. He is a wonderful guy and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I've been dating him behind my parents back for the same old reasons the other ladies seem to have with their parents. Initially I told my parents, yes I hang out with this white guy a lot, and they were not happy about it at all, so I just didn't bother anymore. Plus before I left Korea for the US, my dad told me if I ever date an American man, he'd stop paying for my college. Luckily, I am financially independent now. Anyhow, I am visiting my family next week, and I wanted to tell them about my bf, because I want to move things along. But I am chickening out after I talked to my mom today. I asked her how she'd feel about me marrying an American guy, and she was NOT happy. She was all like if you wanna marry an American, why don't you look for a Korean American guy, preferably a doctor? She said that people would badmouth our family if I marry a white guy. I think there's more than my bf being white. I sympathize with babl3tangerine and the lady that was marrying a guy with 2 kids. I went to a prestigious college (and my dad paid... which makes me feel extremely guilty that I'd disappoint him), and am doing PhD in a ivy school. I don't think this type of education makes me a better person or anything. I don't give a rat's ***, I just do it because I want to do it and not to fish out some doctor dude strolling around the school. My bf is a cop with high school diploma. I am sure this is making things extra terrible. He's trying to go back to school to finish his college degree by the time he's 30. I don't know whether he will finish or not, sure him not having a degree sometimes makes me feel nervous but hey the cop job doesn't really require an advanced degree and they have a steady income. I don't know how much my parents want me to make, but sometimes I get annoyed by Asian parents in general b/c it seems like all they care about is money money money. I am really sick of it. I studied hard and worked hard so I can be an independent woman but at the same time, I must go find a rich man? I know where they are coming from, of course I want my precious daughter to not have to worry about finance. But I am frustrated, and am sick of hearing all this looking for a rich Korean doctor shenanigans at a Korean church. I see my friends beginning to tie the knot under the blessing of their parents (and even live together before they get married), and I feel sad because I feel like if it wasn't for my parents my bf and I would have started to plan our lives together. But I don't want to blame them at the same time because I love them, and I know they want the best for me... Also I feel extremely guilty about dating my bf behind my parents back. Also I just moved to a different state after dating for 2 yrs and we've been doing long distance for a yr now traveling back and forth...(1 h flight) I hate traveling without telling my parents. He tried to get a job here, but didn't work out and I'd love to go back to my older state so I am trying to finish up my PhD ASAP (yeah right!) So I have multiple things going on :/

OMG. I can relate. Hopefully I will have a happy ending like you.<br />
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-- Geninefils

@yummiefruits, I can completely and 100% relate your situation to what i am going through right now...I am Korean and my fiance is caucasian American. I am 26 years old and hes 35. Theres a bit of age gap btw us and he has two kids. I have been engaged for about two years now, and three years total since we have been together. My situation is a bit different than yours because my family finally approved us and told us to plan on a wedding until i finally decided to tell my mom the truth about him having two kids. I knew telling my mom the truth would lead to my family's disapproval of him and us getting married. Thats why I have not been able to let my mom about this but at the same time i couldnt go through the wedding hiding about the kids and puting my fiance go through that. Plus she would have eventually found out about the kids. I am relieved now at least i finally told my mom but now shes threatening me and trying so hard to change my mind. She said there is no way she will ever accept nor approve of him and us together. She wants us to split. She said marriage is different from dating. Esp being with a man with kids would make our marriage even more difficult. I understand where she is coming from and i know she is just really concerned about my happiness and what she thinks is right thing to do but She doesnt know i thought this through over and over again and i know i am making the right decision for myself. I just wish my mom would just let me make my own decision on whom i want to marry instead of trying to make me choose btw my mom or my fiance. My mom's window and what she can see is very limitted bc of what she seen or hear around her, and mostly bc of our culture. She only thinks and sees everything from her perspective. She even told me if i choose him over him she will disown me and never talk to me again. Its just breaking my heart so much bc my mom has been through alot bc of my dad whom she has devorced more than 10 years ago. She raised me including my brother and sister all by herself since my dad left. Theres just so much i can say about what a great mother i have. I have never talked back to my mom once nor went against my mom before I respect her so much but i really love this guy and cant imagine my life without him nor without my mom. I am about to tell my mom i am going to marry him no matter what but I am just so scared to lose my mom for good. I am just really hoping she would turn around and be happy for me at the end but I cant help but to expect the worst case scenerio. I love my mom so much i would die for her but I dont think i should give this up just because my mom thinks is the right thing to do. I also speak Korean but I can't communicate with my mom my true feelings in it of itself because of my language barrier. Its extremely hard for me to communicate with them the deep level of communication and often or almost always i forget the words. Also has to do with me being nervous to talk with my mom bc she is extremely stubborn and have a strong voice of her opinions she wouldnt even let me talk. Bottom line, I just want my mom would be okay after what i am about to tell her. I am just really worried sick, i am so miserable and so devastated i cant function right now. :(

Hi there, I'm sorry I can't offer any real insight but I know exactly what you're going through. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine, down to the relationship we have with our mothers. I wish the best for's a hard place to be in, and it's so sad that there are still people out there who can't see beyond who someone appears to be on the outside, or the color of their skin :/

I too am going through similar things all of you have, and are going through. I'm a 27yr korean female, my (ex?)boyfriend is a 26 white male... We met in college back about 6 years ago. Getting to the point.. we lived together for about 2 years after college behind my parents back while his parents knew from the begining. To this day I deny we ever lived together if my parents ask. My parents are traditional, christian, korean parents and I am the oldest in the family with 2 other sisters. My parents voiced their opinion loud and clear from the time they found out we were dating. They didn't want anything to do with him, they didn't know to know anything about him, they didn't care, all they want is for us to break up. <br />
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Their main excuse is that he isn't a christian "he's catholic and isn't like us, they liked to party and believe differently" and the other excuse is that he's white and wouldn't understand our culture, the communication/language barrier with him and his parents. I understand their reasoning and feel that too sometimes, but our love for each other is continuing to grow... My (ex?)boyfriend knows how my parents feel and know all of what they have/had to say but he continues to keep positive and continues to think of ideas to 'change' my parents' mind. He has been writing a letter that he will be getting translated into korean from a coworker at work that he will eventually give to my parents, this letter will communicate and reach out to my parents his feelings, thoughts, about our relationship and his hopes for my parents to support and get on board. The question isn't how will my parents take that... the question is will my parents even give it a second thought... or better yet, will they even take their time to read it. I'm crossing my fingers they will read it, but I really hope and pray they will see and consider being "okay" with us being together. <br />
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Those of you reading this post might question why I mention him as a questionable ex, is because we "broke up" about a month ago. I needed time on my own, time to think about what I wanted for the future, if all this is worth the stress and sadness it's making me go through everyday. The closest people in my life are against the idea of us together, telling me I could do better... I don't have people around me supporting this relationship, so the easiest thing, and what seemed the most obvious thing for me to do was to end things. My guy was against us breaking up, telling me I had to think for myself and not allow other's reasoning influence my feelings of us. The thing about me is I want to please everyone... I've been torn left and right and I'm at the point where I just want to go away... I don't care if i'm unhappy, as long as others around me are happy i'll just do what i need to. My sisters and parents don't see it. they don't understand why I want to be with him, they don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.. they know we "broke up" and get mad or question why we still talk on the phone. I hate when they start talking about him.. I get angry and upset, mad and annoyed when they try to bring him up in a conversation because I know where they are going with it. they bash him any way they could and succeed because i can't come back with anything to back me up. i can't communicate with them my true feelings in it of itself because of MY language barrier. Yea I speak korean, but its hard for me to communicate with them the deep level of communication I need to explain to them, my level of fluency is basic, and theirs is too but of english, to make matters worse, my younger sister, 23 is dating in 'my parents eyes' the perfect 28 yr old korean christian guy. they've been dating a year now and talking about getting engaged. i'm happy for her because shes my sister and hes a good guy, but it breaks my heart over and over hearing my parents rave about him and wanting to know everything about him, inviting him to dinner, etc. and there I am crying inside... i don't want to sound like a *****, but don't they realize what they are doing to me?? hurting me and making me swallow my pain and my emotions... <br />
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There are times when I just want to give up, just do what my parents want me to do because it'll be easier that way... but is that the right thing to do? I've asked God to guide me and lead me to his path, what he wants me to do... I've told my guy just to move on, etc. but he is determined to fight for our love. Don't get me wrong, i don't deserve him at all... i've done my share in hurting him, as he did to me. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't have given me a second chance or a third chance, yet a fourth or fifth chance, but he sees something in me, in us that he wants to keep and grow in and i love him for that. There were times when i was mean, just plain out nasty to him so that he would leave me... but he stayed, reassuring me everything will work out and worth the fight. I love him and i want to fight along side of him, but i'm scared of losing my parents and not gaining their approval that i'm willing to lose it all...

i want to share sum delima has come 2 a stand still :( need 2 talk!

i want to share sum delima has come 2 a stand still :( need 2 talk!

Are you okay? Sorry I didn't see this earlier. I am still here if you need someone to talk to

unfortunately i have been keeping my hatian GF a secret for 5 months and my mom found out and made me break up if i wanted to live in the house. so i did and then we went out 2 weeks later. but the guilt is still the same and I dont know how to tell my family, their indian. My mom thinks shes inferior and lesser then us and shes not on our "level" because shes black,. any tips on how to break it to her? i think I should wait until I can live on my own. Because I know she will disown me and its difficult choose between my family and GF but I would choose my GF because I know she is good and my family is not rejecting her for good reason.

i feel all of everybody's comments. I have a little bit of everything that most ppl went thru. I'm an Asian chick dating a divorced Latino man who has 4 kids from previous marriage and is 13 yrs older than me. That definitely is a no-no for my family. To them, this is a big shock and they will not accept him or the fact that we are madly in love and that we want to be together. They threaten to disown me, or to even bring me back to my home country. They took my car keys and my cell phone and everything else that would prevent me from keeping in touch with my boyfrd. And guess how old i am?? I am 28 yrs old and they treated me like they would to a 13 yr old. <br />
They use religion to make me change my mind. I love my family and I wish i can salvage my relationship with them but as long as I am with my boyfrd, there is no way they will ever come around. I wish they could see what a great person my boyfrd is and how much he loves me. All i ask is for them to give him a chance to get to know him and to see how we are as a couple. I have never been happier and never been so sure of somebody in my life. It's a shame that my family thinks otherwise.

Hey. I couldn't but help relate to your story. My situation is similar to yours. He is 13yrs older than me, divorced has a grown kid. This realtionship is going on for eight years. Of course there was the initial shock and then they took it to a whole another level. They called my aunt back in Korea to ask the fortune teller about my life (don't know if you are Korean but they like to do this kind of **** for literally everything. Let's just say that they don't even go on vacation together before checking up on the **** to make sure that they won't have a tragic accidents) so of course they tell me that my life is. It going to be same if I go with this guy that I'll end up divorcing him and then go into another marriage after that and after that and then end up becoming a monk or a shaman. I know this whole thing sounds absurd and I don't believe it but knowing them they whole heartdly believe this nonsense. They throw all kinds of guilt trips at me. Saying how can you do this to our family. I didn't come to this country to let you get married to a guy like that, ill die early if you go this way, the whole nine yards. And guess what I'm 31. If I didn't care about them I would've just pushed on but I think I'm going to try to live my life and hope that they can somewhat see that I'm happy. If not then I'm just going to have to go my way and they will have to disown me. It's pretty tough. I'm just glad that during hard times like this there are other people who can understand whatim going thru and relate to me,vice versa. I'm going to hangin there. It's another bump I the road. You hang in there too.

Can I say I can relate to this as well...I am Chinese and my boyfriend is a divorced Puerto Rican with one young son, 15 years older. We've been together 7 months, currently in a committed relationship but no rush to get married for another few years. My mom is completely against it, saying the same things, that I was going to shame my entire family, make her lose face in front of everyone, that he was going to cheat on me, that he was going to dump me if I got pregnant by him, that he was just going to leave me later on because according to her, "that's how all Hispanics are". She also said, 'how can I ever show my face around our family and friends if my daughter is dating/married to a Hispanic guy, especially one who is divorced??' She also went to a fortune teller who supposedly said that our relationship wasn't going to last. It doesn't matter to her that he is responsible, comes from a great family, has a very stable job, is a good father to his son, and is a wonderful boyfriend who has been nothing but friendly and good to my family and friends. I'm 27, by the way. She even said she never wants to see him again. She's only met him once (and only at my uncle's wedding because he invited both of us), and didn't even bother trying to get to know him. She also guilt trips me nonstop, and is furious if I choose to spend time with my boyfriend instead of her, even though I make the effort to see her twice a week. She even went so far as to say that if I ever married this guy and had kids with him, that means she would have failed as a mother and she doesn't want any "stupid half Puerto Rican grandkids" running around. The rest of my family is fine and brother said he doesn't agree with the relationship, but that it's my decision and he won't try to stop me. Unfortunately my mom has been incredibly stubborn all her life, so I hope that one day she will come around, even if it takes years. Until then, if that day ever comes, we have to hang in there and stay strong. After all, whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

I am Armenian and my girlfriend is half black and half white. The day I met her I knew this was someone I could grow with and soon fell in love with her. Our first date was planned to be an hour long, but we ended up spending 7 hours together. I have never met anyone as supportive, loving, kind and caring as her, but my parents are both against it...My family was celebrating my 20th birthday yesterday and the first thing my dad said in his toast was: "we won't have any blacks in the family", which pissed me off and we ended up getting in a huge fight. Then we got into a long discussion/ fight this morning and he told me that he would never see her or be in the same room with her and that he can't love mixed grandchildren...My mom was on his side, but is also more supportive of me saying: "I don't agree with it, but if you love this girl I can't stop you". I feel like I'm betraying my parents by dating her...we've been together for 9 months...but on the other hand I love her very much and can't imagine anyone better....I don't know what to do....they complain to me everyday...

so sad. if your parents could see our boys (eurasian) maybe they change their minds - such handsome, smart, athletic, popular boys. we are truly blessed that neither of our parents ob<x>jected to our marriage

Hi I am half greek/english and my gf is viet and is 25. She has a curfew, is not allowed to talk to me on the phn, take my calls, I can't visit her, she has to sneak short visits so we can be togethr. I have a average clerk trpe job in finance, I make my way. She is a pharmacist. Her parents really put a strain on us, I could count the times she has slept over. We been 2gthr for 2.5 years. I got trust issues too, which makes it harder. And I live alone. Her parents are ruinin both our lives.

This sounds similiar to my situation. I am vietnamese and my boyfriend is white. He has trust issues as well and my parents have an issue with our relationship. Were you ever able to get past these trust issues?

@mrskimtob- It is a difficult situation that you are in and I can understand your frustrations. From my experience, I've learned that time can make things better. As mentioned above (Baby3tangerine), I am asian and my fiancée is white american. After five years of being together, my parents gave in. I know that my mother is not happy, but she's dealing with it. As will your new in-laws. With time they will witness the love of you and your husband. And with time they will appreciate you. Make sure that you are ready to move to a new country, experience new culture, and the ridiculous expectation for materialistic/appearance that comes with our culture =P . It is sad, but in many part of the whole, especially asia, when a women marries, she is expected to give up her family and live for her husband. The daughter is law is the bottom of the food chain and the pressure can suck. Make sure you guys get your own place =P

Hi! I'm a 27yo European and my boyfriend is a 28yo Asian and it is very similar situation that we are in, his parents, mainly grandfather, who is the main authority in their family, completely disapproves of our marriage, though we cannot imagine life without each other. We used to live in one country, but he then had to move back to his homeland because of family business. After that we visited each other on numerous occasions and we want to get married by the end of the year with me moving to his country. His grandfather threatens to disowe him and he says a lot of ridiculous and painful things about me, they say adding white blood to their lineage will mess evrth up, and that I will eventually grow homesick and leave him. This is a mild way of saying things I'm using here, but what they have said about me have hurt me so bad. They seem to not appreciate my graduate school degree or ability to speak several foreign languages - I'm just a shame to their kin in every way. We might end up marrying secretly, but this is such a sad thing when all we want is to bring happiness to everyone around us! 

Well, after being in a similar situation 35 years ago, let me chime in. My in-laws survived the bombing of Hiroshima, so it's understandable that they were concerned when their daughter told them she was going to marry me. An Americans probably wasn't their first choice for an in-law, an American Marine even less so. Having their youngest daughter a third of the way across the world probably wasn't their wish either. Their first concern was their daughter's happiness, and they were actually less opposed than my wife's brother and sister. <br />
<br />
It helped tremendously that my parents were very accepting of my wife, and I only semi-joke that if it came to a choice, they would pick her over me. I wouldn't blame them either, she was and is one very impressive human being. I'm still humbled by the fact that she married me. <br />
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Her parents and mine are both gone now, but they were all great people. They loved our kids, and us. They were pretty smart, and very wise. Who would hurt someone they love?

Hi Baby3tangerine, thanks for sharing your story with us! I agree with what you said that either the parents accept our decision and be happy for us, or lose their daughter (or son). My parents are happy for us now that there is nothing they can do. They realized that they had a choice between throwing a temper tantrum once every few days, wailing and threatening me, or accept the situation and be happy for us. Fortunately for me the chose the latter and they are actually looking forward to our wedding reception in July next year. We are married now but we decided to postpone the ceremony and reception in hope that my parents would turn around and be happy for us, which they did :)<br />
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I totally understand my parents' feeling of wanting to be able to communicate with their son-in-law in their native language as it would probably make them feel closer to him but what can we do? We chose someone who doesn't speak the native language. My husband is now very interested in learning my native language so that he would be able to talk to my dad as my mom and my siblings can speak English enough to be able to understand each other) he knew from the beginning of our relationship 6 years ago that my parents did not like him and he was very upset with the way my parents called me in the middle of the night to threaten or plead with me to leave him. Now that my parents are happy with us he is excited to meet them for Chinese New Year :)<br />
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I am so proud of you to be able to stand up to your parents. I know how miserable it was and I'm glad both of us can stand here now proudly saying that we have chosen the path we want to take. Good luck to the both of you!<br />
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P.S: Ohhh the sarcastic -joking- remark about him, I completely understand that too, I still get that every now and then but every time I get that I would return it to them saying well, too late to do anything about it now and they would drop the subject

hey girl. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I too am in a similar situation. I've dated my fiancée for five years now and we are in love. In year three, I told my family about him and my mother threw a fit. She cried for months- not just a tear drop here and there, but the hiccup wailing. She said that I was selfish and that she had waited all her life to make asian in-laws that she can communicate with in her native tongue. She felt sorry for herself. I understood her concerns but I love him. He is everything for me. He gave up his job to move closer to me. He cares for me and we cannot image life without each other. So our(mother and mine) relationship went down hill from there. Conversations are brief and she pretended that he was not a part of my life. She say that he's not good enough. I am a doctor from an ivy league school and he does not an advance degree. But it is all false reasonings to get her way.<br />
Fastforward three years, me approaching thirty, and she's growing to accept the man in my life. She still gives passive aggressive remarks, which I ignore. But this weekend, we are finally doing the two family sit down for a formal introduction. If things go well, we will be married by next fall. I am worried that things may expose which will really dampen things between me and my guy. My mother is known for speaking her mind- loudly. And he does not know that there is this tension. I've shelter him from all this- after all, what good does it make if he knows my parents disapproves of him. right? But the secret pressure is building inside me and I am too stressed out about it because there is no one to share the burden.<br />
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The main point to this long winded post is that, yes, things do get better with time. And your parents will realize that if they don't accept, they will lose a child.

Hello,<br />
<br />
I am very touched by your story. I think some people put their parents on a pedestal too high in their lives.<br />
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I'm Haitian, and have a Chinese girlfriend. She is a valuable person in my life. Even if I have a degree in Chinese Studies and I speak fluent Mandarin, this is not enough to offset the fact that I am black. It is sad to say this, but it's true. At the beginning of my studies, I was sure it was a cultural thing. I talked to some of my professors and one of her brothers and sisters to really know what the problem was. The media likes to put bad images and stereotypes about blacks and other races, that people of her family fears for her future.<br />
<br />
But the thing is ... What to do in this situation? You know you are made for each other and both of you are sure you'll stay together for life. What do you do when your family is against your marriage or relationship?<br />
<br />
I do not know if you are religious, but here's what my girlfriend did.<br />
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She puts her parents in a high pedestal as if they were gods. And be the shame of the family was not an option for her. So she left me. She did it for her parents. Not for her. Being a Buddhist she went in search of a monk because even if her parents were satisfied with the situation, she felt horrible. She wanted to know why. Guess what the monk said.<br />
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You'll get your answer in your religion. Being a Buddhist can you tell me what are the four things that leads to evil?<br />
1. Greed<br />
2. Anger and hatred<br />
3. Ignorance<br />
4. Fear and anxiety<br />
<br />
The fact that you put so much importance to your parents not just about doing what you need in your heart, but forget the guide lines that has been done for us in the world.<br />
<br />
I must say that it is powerful! I am a Christian and this is very true. The Bible is my guide. I love my mother. But she can not be the center of my life. What will happen when she will die. It's sad to say this, but everyone will die one day. So I have to use what my mother taught me and look at my guide. (Usually your parents are the first to offers these religious guidelines) and if something is not like, ask why.<br />
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That's what my girlfriend did with her family. She reminded them who brought Buddhism to her world and thank them because it has reopened her guidelines and had some questions for them. The parents had no choice but to listen. Her mind elevation has surprised them. She called me a few days later telling me that her parents wanted to meet me and this after 4 years. They wanted to learn to know me. I will not lie, but the fact that I speak Chinese certainly made things easier.<br />
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Next month is our wedding and everyone will be there (the Haitians and Chinese )!!!!<br />
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The moral of my story is to not really worrying about what our parents think of our decisions. Just be sure that we follow the guidelines because these guidelines will always be there not your parents. As long as you do not fail to honor your religious guidelines, you can defend yourself with this.<br />
<br />

I'm in an interracial relationship right now with a Cambodian guy. So far, I've said only a few words to his parents, and they seem to be okay with me at the present time. I know, however, that they expect him to marry a Cambodian girl (it's already been arranged) in the future, so I'm a tad bit nervous.<br />
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I'm glad things are starting to work out for you and your husband. If my boyfriend and I last long enough for this to become an issue, your experience will inspire me to not give up hope that his family will come around. :)

Thanks for you all that encouraged me :) AngelMami, don't give up, they will come around! Mine did, kind of lol. They are not paying for anything anymore since the end of last year but me and my husband (hooyah! we just got married) are proving to my parents that he can support me even though I live in a foreign country far away from them. <br />
My suggestion is to be cool headed, persistent, and patient. They are from a different generation and every parents have their own dreams on how they wanted their daughter to live her life but again, it's all up to us to live our lives.<br />
Good luck, sending you warm hugs :)

gosh i understand what u are going through... i'm 22, asian-australian, and my parents give me all that bullshit too. saying that my bf will cheat on me, the relationship will never last... being with him will bring shame to the family, my parents say i'm stubborn, saying that the bf is probably just using me for sex, saying that he is inferior because he is african, and they throw all this racist remarks around... my father has already disowned me. i'm a full-time student, but i'm studying part-time as of the second half of this year so i can work. i'm job-seeking now cos i desperately want to move out of this hell hole.

Your parents will eventually come around.<br />
All races, nationalities, cultures etc. have difficulty adapting to people different then themselves. It's typical human behavior. Your parents just have fears. They need more time and exposure. <br />
I believe it will all work out.

UPDATE: Things are looking better. They are still against me marrying my fiance but they're not nearly as mad or broken hearted as before. We talked on the phone the other day and they finally said that they were not going to force me or drag me back to their house since it would be pointless. They said they wouldn't attend the wedding (but I'm still crossing my fingers and will sugar coat them with extra toppings on top up until the last minute, hoping the will change their mind). I have some support from a couple of relatives and my younger brother actually listened to my reasoning.<br />
I told him that marriage is a sacred thing and we have already talked about divorce 3 years ago. Being married is a huge change from being in a relationship and it is something we all should take seriously. It is like building a house, you have to have a strong foundation so that when an earthquake strikes, your house won't be lying in ruins. I also told him that yes, our life isn't going to be nearly as luxurious as the life I would have had if I were to live there and marry that guy they had already prepared for me but I know we're going to be fine and comfortable. We talked for about 2 hours and had a great conversation. Alas, my parents are still against me marrying this white guy but I don't love him because he's white. I love him because he is who he is, my silly sailor who likes to pick on me. <br />
Thanks for all the comments and support, I REALLY appreciate them. I'll keep you updated if you don't mind :)

I can totally understand you. Cheer up sweetie.<br />
Keeping on your own decision if you are sure how good he is. I think your family can understand your oneday, and I'm sure they just want to make sure that you are happy.<br />
You can make it!