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Strict Parents Against Interracial Marriage

DEC 2009 - I have been with my caucasian boyfriend for the past 5 years and we broke up a few years ago thanks to the pressure my parents put on me, saying that he had no future, no money, he's going to cheat on me, etc. But despite everything, we got back together again. I'm turning 24 next year, he'll be 25 and we're planning on getting married within 6 months to a year from now, but when I told my parents that he proposed to me, they were furious!

First of all, they know I've been together with this guy for a long time but I thought they might get softer throughout all these years but boy was I wrong. They live in a different country along with the rest of the family and relatives so I'm the only one here in the US. I understand why they would get mad and not trust my fiancee since my mom only met him once, plus he's in the Navy so it's a little hard for us to go across the globe to get together. My parents originally said that it's OK for me to want to marry him as long as we wait 3 years. We were only willing to wait as long as a year and a half so when I talked to my parents again, they changed their opinion that they are now completely against me marrying a white guy and since he's in the Navy, they said they are 100% sure he's going to cheat on me. They wanted me to come back into their house, picked a guy for me and have me marry him even though I don't have any feelings for him. They said feelings can grow later. I mean how messed up is that?! And then they forced me to choose between my fiancee and the whole family (we were talking via phone all the time) and it literally broke my heart. I couldn't answer that because I didn't want to break their hearts so I told them that it was such a childish, selfish and foolish question. They totally degrade my fiancee's job in the Navy and basically said that we will be poor for the rest of our lives. My dad even threatened to disown me and will have me kicked out of his own funeral one day.

All this ruckus is only because he's white. They know how good he is inside and how polite he is to them but they still couldn't get past the fact that he's caucasian. They're so sure he's going to mess our lives up, that he's going to cheat on me and will leave me for a prettier girl. As for me, I know he will not because we've been through a lot more than they know. We've broken each other's hearts, we went through separations for months at a time (as long as 6 months) and I finally know that he will stay true to me and will be able to provide everything for me. I also love him with all my heart and it's so painful to hear my siblings wailing on the phone, accusing me on choosing "that white guy" over our family.

DEC 2010 UPDATE - We are now happily married and my parents have accepted that there is nothing they can do to change my mind so they could either be happy for us or be miserable and eventually regret this later on. I have included the updates along our journey in the comments below. If you need any encouragement or any word of advice please message me or add me to your circle, I would be more than happy to talk to you :)

JAN 2012 UPDATE - We are now  finally trying to conceive after being married for almost 2 years. My parents are more than happy with us being together and my immediate family traveled all the way to the US to attend our wedding ceremony and got to know my husband. God has been very good to us and we are excited to be out of the Navy by the end of the month. My husband is going to go back to school for his Master's degree in Physician's Assistant, and so we are embracing yet another adventure life has thrown at us :)

WTBeals WTBeals 26-30, F 64 Responses Dec 14, 2009

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hi asian plzz help me in my love.. i need ur advice ... my parents are agnist my love..

How did you marry him when you parents were against? Did you go for registered marriage?

I am so glad to have read that things turned out well for you both. I am a white american woman with two kids, from different men. I was with my best friend/love of my life, who is Indian. We fell in love and he decided to tell his brothers about us. They were against it, and went behind his back and told his parents. He broke it off with me bc it would hurt too many people and he didn't want to go against his parents. This happened almost 9 months ago. We still saw each other for about 6 months, then his brothers found out and he ended it for good. I am so heart broken, and don't know what to do. I was so sure this was Gods will. My ex I guess thought we were wishful thinking.

Well, my case so similar with you. Even though I am 29 this year. I am a Malaysian Chinese. My Husband is American Latino. We just got married secretly in Las Vegas last Valentine's weekend. It was fun and exciting. We knew each other for like only 6 months. I fly alot to Los Angeles because I am a flight crew. I can't wait to live with him. So need to settle my parents first. And awaiting him to come down to Malaysia on the november. I can't imagine what is my parents' reaction after we tell them we're married. I met his family. Find they are lovely and caring. I just hope my parents able to be like them as well. Long distance relationship is just killing me. My father even can say very nasty words to describe him because he is different race. My father just want me to get married to a person who is same race and same culture with me. I love my parents as well but of cause I love my husband as well. He is very special and important to me. I am ready to live the rest of my life with him. Any idea that allow me to convince my parents. And I cannot wait to move over there very quickly to be with him.

What if your parents say no? Will you go against them?

Hi there thanks for sharing your story. I am Sikh and I am dating a tamil guy. My parents refuse to accept him and kicked me out. We want to get married and sometimes it is so hard knowing that I don't have support from my family. He is such a good guy and I can't imagine my life without him.

hey,

I am indian and dating a white guy. I really like him and cant imagine my life without him. its only been near a year but I am scared about how my parents will react. my sister told to stay clear off as my parents would be made to go through hard times but I want them to be happy for me....my happiness should be theirs right?...I don't want to tell them till in 3 years or so when I am ready to marry...am worried about them disowning me ..... how would I approach it ...

I'm white! I'm really blond, green eyes, skinny, big cheated, you know the typical all American looking white woman! I was with the love of my life for three years. We lived together and did everything togeather. He had problems with my lifestyle as well as I had problems with his. But our deviating breakup had a lot to do with me wanting to take it to the next level. Marriage, kids ext... But he would never introduce me to his parents. He said they didn't care if I was white and I know that they knew about me because of Facebook. Yet he never took me to meet his family. Even though we're broke up hell still deny that they would have a problem with me but his good friend told me his parents was traditional. They're korean by the way. It's sucks. I still live him but I guess he can never give me what I want and deserve :(

I'm having a similar experience. I'm from a Christian family and am dating a guy from a Muslim family. We've been together for 8 years now and plan to get married, but neither of our families approve. I am getting so tired of having to earn their happiness for us. How do you guys deal with the pain, stress and heartache? I'm close to deciding that I just won't bother earning their approval. They can either be happy for us or not. I really want to make that choice, but since I respect my parents (and his parents), it's tough...

Your situation had more to do with religion than anything else and that is going to make it tough! Values, morals, and tradition is what most parents are concerned with. In your case it's so much more. Religion is what deferentiates everyone. My child could bring home another race and it might would be hard but another religion I would have a hard time accepting myself and I'm open minded. Religion separates us and makes us who we are. As a Christian they are probably more so fear for you. You guys come from two different worlds. If he ever took you to his homeland, he could literally own you. He could do what ever he wants with you. You will have no rights! Even if you go on a vacation to his homeland, if he wanted, he could keep you two there and you would have 0 say in anything. I know you probably say, oh he wouldn't do that... He loves me! There have been so many Anerican wemon that've being held captive in the Middle East right now because they can't leave without their husbands permission. Those men can kill you by Jewdaio law if you so much as even look at another man with desire. There are many books and a couple movies about this and they're not a bunch of bullshit. Watch the movie Not Without My Daughter. It's a very true story and puts things in a good perspective for any American woman that wants to Marty an Arabian Muslim man. Your parents just probably are a little scared and they should be. Muslims don't have a good track record for treating wemon and a equal or a human being for that fact. Just saying, if you Marrie the man, DO NOT LEAVE THIS COUNTRY WITH HIM EEEVVVEEER!!!!!!!! More than likely you will not make it back alive. Atleast a lot of other wemon haven't :/

Add a response...

People ***** about southern parents, but asian parents are such racists

alstephens what a degrading response, its racisim when u degrade another race.. make them your slave because of their color. the writer is discussing the family never having to deal with interracial marriages ... enlighten ur mind.. this blog wasnt to start a race war, u clearly have issues.. and shud work on being a happier person

Sorry pd82, I should have not made a blanket statement. I have just had a couple of bad experiences with fathers disliking me because I was not their preferred race.

Yes they are. Quite ashamed of the asian. I am asian. We new generation has to change that. Cannot blame them, because of education or surrounding cause them become like that.

Remember: If they are white, its racist. If they aren't, it's cultural.

Very very very true!!! I totally agree with you there. If us whites even look at someone sideways it's racist and a big deal comes of it. But others are okay to do it because... Well idk that answer yet my damn self O_o. And I'm not racist and I'm not trying to be ugly but just trying to be truthful about the whole matter. Black people are thee worst!

Hello all

I'm sorry to hear of the problems you are facing, and hope sharing your experiences on here is helping in some way.

If anyone is interested in sharing their experiences on a more pubic platform (anonymously if you wish) then MTV Voices is doing a focus on young couples whose parents won't allow them to be together. MTV Voices is a social responsibility non-profit platform all about getting young people's voices and opinions out there, from all over the world.

Anyone who is interested in sharing their story - please get in touch.

Thanks

Hello...
After going through what you have posted, it has really given me courage, which i really need today. I am a Hindu and I love a guy who's in gospel. We love each other since 5 years and are now planning to get married and since 1 year am convincing my parents but they still oppose. I am 22 yrs and my boyfriend 30 yrs and he is a well settle man. The only reason of rejection is religion and like your parents black mailed you emotionally, they did the same with me and this really pains. Now my boyfriend wants to come home and talk to my parents and i really don't know what to do if they still reject. Please help me to get out of this awful situation,please please...

It's good to read everybody's response and know that I'm not alone here. I'm a mixed (mullato) Canadian man and I'm approaching my 7th year in a committed long-distance relationship with a Korean American woman. traditional thinking of old Korean mom and dad and how they disapprove of our relationship has always been a source of conflict over the years even though we haven't met or even spoke to each other. Every time I go to visit my girlfriend, we go through the routine of her asking me to be completely dead quiet while she talks to her parents on the phone, so they don't suspect that I'm with her. It's not that she feels ashamed to be with me; she's just petrified of how they'd react (although, I'm sure they know better when their daughter unexpectedly decides to go away on a trip for a week!). She loves her parents but she loves me too. They know I've been seeing her for many years but they still believe this is just a "thing" and I will eventually cheat on her or find someone "better". They've also had unpleasant encounters with my "race" as they used to run a convenient store for many years that was burglarized by African Americans a couple of times.Next year. I'm hoping to move our relationship to the next level (marriage) but she wants me to get permission from her parents before I pop the question *gulp*. I believe that if they were able to meet and get to know me, things would go a lot smoother and they would eventually warm up to me. Unfortunately, we currently live in two different countries which makes that difficult and sadly I wouldn't qualify for a work visa to temporarily live in the U.S. My parents know about the relationship and have met my girlfriend on a few occasions (hell, my mother let my gf and I sleep in the same room together!). My mom knows about our weekly online date nights I have with my gf, and the times I go to visit her, and respects our time together. So, for the most part, I'd say my mother approves of the relationship. Last year, my dad met my girlfriend for the first time and it was also a pleasant experience. Seven years is a long time to be someones boyfriend or girlfriend I think. I stayed with her even when she said she was going to attend college for four years. She graduated in January. She just turned 31 this month and I'll be 28 next May, so I think it's getting near time where we both want to settle. I long for the Christmas', Thanksgivings, and Halloweens we'll have together, and the beautiful children we'll create. The biggest challenge right now, is to win over her folks to releasing the hand of their only child. To help me along with this journey, I purchased a copy of Rosetta Stone to learn Korean, so I can have a basic conversation with them. I hope this will impress them and feel a bit more comfortable with me as their future son-in-law.

It makes you want her even more since its such a struggle and hard thing to get! :)

I'm in the same boat I'm white my parents are from Poland and I'm dating a Haitian girl born in the states I'm 26 she's 27 we love each other and want to get married but my parents aren't accepting of my relationship because she is black. We met each other in a church group we are both devout Catholics which I love about her don't know what to do should I ignore my parents and marry her who knows if my parents will attend my wedding or if they will cut contact from me

All this because he is white?

Oh yeah! They're very big on keeping there own with their own!

This is great! I'm an indian muslim guy dating a white christian girl. I am going through the exact same thing. We've broken up a few times due to pressure from mom (dad doesn't even know yet) and we have talked to each other saying we want to get married at 30 (i'm 28 and she's 26). Mom is giving me SUCH a hard time about being disappointing, about how she will find me a girl (she has tried and i've tried respecting her by talking to them but it just feels way too weird). I have 0 idea how to deal with the potential loss of my family (threats to disown me), my own happiness and the guilt I feel about putting them through this. Any words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated!

You are not alone...I hope things are better for you now?

I'm so happy that this isn't as rare as I thought, but at the same time it is sad. I'm from a italian household and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is Vietnamese. His family lives in Oklahoma and whenever we visited them they were always so nice to me and tried to bring me out of my shell. (I was nervous because they do not speak very good english) it was only until the beginning of this summer that things started being a little different when his mother asked if he wanted to marry a girl for money and bring her over. He immediatly said no and that was the end of it. 3 weeka ago she asked again but said that she needed the money to buy a house and that the family would approve of the other girl more. This started a huge fight between us and almost broke us up. We ate visiting them in september and he told me that he is going to tell them that he is going to be with me and if they don't like it to bad. It makes me so happy that he loves me that much but I would feel terrible if they won't talk to him because of me. I hope I have your happy ending were they accept this. Wish me luck!

Hello everyone, I am also in an interracial relationship and have been for the past 2 years and 3 months. We both attend the same college and see eachother daily. We are so good for eachother and have so much love. He is from a traditional African family and they do not approve of our relationship because it is against their religion. My boyfriend does not practice, but I can definitely tell that he feels guilty for disappointing them. We have had a serious discussion about all of this and had come to the decision that we would stay together. Things have gotten way better, but I feel like everything is building up. He has been gone on a trip for a long while and is coming back this month and told me today that he may not be able to come see me right away because it may be suspicious to his family. What does that mean? I respect his family and culture, but I don't like feeling like he is ashamed of me and our relationship. I know he doesn't want to disappoint anyone and really wants to be with me, but is it unfair to expect him to stand up to his family a little? All of your thoughts and comments are truly needed and appreciated, thank you!

That is not fair to you... IT IS WRONG! I think you need to have a serious talk with him and if he doesn't get it right,,, MOVE ON!

H Everyone

my sistuation is the same yet a lil different. im a indian female 26, and have been dating a white male, 36 for about two years now without my parents knowing about him. i really wanetd to tell them but froze and couldnt becoz i know how close minded they are especially about interracial couples and white men, especiall commments that i get from mum when she sees interacial couples walking together. they think only indian men would do because it eliminates the shame on the family. but i dont understand why is that shameful- if two people love and respect each other and are both mature enough to know what they want why should it bother the world or them. all people are human and have the same on the inside regardless of race.

anyhow, so they found out about him like a week ago and mum and sister went balistic and swore as me and said that he would use me becauase hes white and older ect. its so odd that my sister married an indian man that any indian parent would be more than proud to show off to the world, a docter,nerdy, educated family ect and he turned out tho be the biggest con of them all and hurt my sister terible, they are now getting a divirce. does that not show people that dating people that look good on paper and meet all the ticks on a checklist is not what equals happiness and a good strong relationship. although my guy is white and may not be a doctor ect but makes a good honest living and treats me with so much resopect, is that not more important.

so my dad is more rational than my mum and he wants to meet him next week to get to know him, and my mum doent seem keen becoz she hasnt spoken to me since them, nor hav my sisters. im so nervous and scared....actually terrified that they will find fault with him...either on apperance or something and try to talk me out of it. my mind is made up i really do feel that i met my soulmate. i am however grateful that my dad wants to meet him ect. i will keep you posted on how it goes.

although we are indian, we dont really practice anything religiously and nor do we go to temple so religion is not so much an issue its more the shame of dating outside the race. we do still do some of the cultural indian rituals and ceremonies. my guy knows about this and is open to understanding and learnign about it as much as i am about going to church and learning more about god from that aspect.

sorry for the long response...felt more like a venting session here. :-). anyone have any similiar experience like me. how did it go?

I am in the same situation as everyone else ... I have been with my boyfriend for two years.He is Italian and I am Vietnamese. I am 22 years old and he is 23. His family loves and adores me but my family does not like him. My sisters are so cruel and nasty to him for no reason. My mom was okay with him at first but once my dad found out she changed her mind. Him and I argue about it all the time and he wants me to speak to my parents in hopes they will change their mind but he does not understand that I have tried. My parents won't budge. I know they pretend at times that our relationship doesn't exist. I feel so scared to speak to my dad about it since I do not have a good relationship with him. I am so depressed at times because I know he feels sadden by this. I feel so hopeless at times knowing I can not do anything about it. Sometimes I wish race was not a factor and people could see past it. I hope some day this changes ...

Girly, I know how you feel. My Mexican bf of 5.8 years constantly thinks I can change their mins too. I didn't come out to my parents until end of summer last year. My parents went bazaar! I went to my mom first and I felt like although she didn't accept it, she's was...slightly ok with it until my dad went ballistic changing her mind about it all (I know it's hard for her to stand neutral with her husband and child). The very few times the subject of him and me have came up, there were yelling, tears and no talking for weeks following. All other times, they act like nothing happened and that he doesn't exist, they never acknowledged him as my bf nonetheless even a human being. They don't want to know him or of him. Ever since I moved back home from college, we don't get to see each other as much because I'm not allowed to go out. I'm 23 and not allowed to go out all because they bombard me with questions nailing down who I'm with and why. It wasn't like this till I told them about bf last year. I cry myself to sleep sometimes because the thought of being banned from coming home if i ever marry him. My dad went as far as telling me I'm not allowed to attend his funeral. It's unfortunate and it SUCKS. It's been with him for nearly 6 years but that doesn't matter to my parents and it doesn't make things easier.

Same here omg I am dating a mexican and my parents are so agonist it I am so confused and don't know what to do! This guy is all my heart wants I need advice

I am currently in a serious relationship with a Korean man. We're both in college (he's a senior finishing his last semester) and both American citizens. His family lives here in the US, but does not support him dating a white girl. His aunt has been spreading terrible rumors about me (saying I'm abusive and just using him-she's never met me!!!) and his sister flat out told me that I should "Enjoy it while it lasts. It won't be long." His mother won't as much as look at me, (even when I offer to help her with things/chores) but has told him that I am rude and impolite. It seems really hopeless, but he talks of marriage and forever. I know how much his family means to him, and I just don't think he could chose them over me. I also know that he loves me crazy. Do you have any advice on this? I want to have your happy ending! haha
-Alix

Hey I'm in the same situation, my parents just don't like western culture. I have hidden relationship with my boyfriend, he's an Australian. Once I heard my parents said that they thought western culture is crazy, too much freedom and have no rule; just like a wild animal. I believe that's not true, maybe they saw it from television, which is only 3% of western culture shown in there. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. he's like my best friend, my love and my family. he's actually reminds me a bit of my father and my brother. I love him because all that he is, not because of anything. I love him, even little things that he has. his perfect and imperfection. we're now in long distance relationship. I can still feel he's the same guy.
As long as I'm with him everything looks positive to me.


The thing that make me stress is that life without him and the fact that I keep secret from my parents. Other thing that keep my stress is that I'm so afraid that if I tell them, we will have bad relationship and people around my family will talk about me. I don't want to let my parent down and I don't want to lose my boyfriend.

I never like it when I go home, unlike other people that got excited when they able to see their family. I'm just unhappy. Everytime I'm home, my life is just not as happy as when I'm alone in another country. Even though everything is there at home, life is just like a bird in a cage. It's the opposite when I got to life on my own in another country. Life is full of struggle of course, but it's a wonderful feeling because I'm free and I'm happier. and besides I met him. my love.

My parents always talk about when I'm come home again. And about helping my dad in my homecountry. They just put pressure to me because I can't say "Dad, I have a boyfriend and he's an Australian. I love him. And I want to live in another country having my own life. I will visit you of course, is not that I don't want to see you again. I love you, mom and my sibling, but life is just not right when I'm there. Please understand me? don't you want me to be happy? I think this is the right thing?"
I don't think good words will come out from his mouth if I ask him like that

What should I do? I think about this all the time. It's haunting me whereever I go; on the train, campus, work or even my own bed. I can't be peace. please help me.


Thanks,

xx
Cam
Sydney

I wish I can tell you everything will be all right, but it's been a year since I told my parents about my interracial almost 6 year relationship (Asian with a Mexican boyfriend). They act like nothing happened... Only when it's brought up again.. it never ends well. I tried the calm and sturdy talk many times. It always ends with tears and yelling. I still don't know what to do. But I can tell you that I personally feel that it's easier since your family is in a different country so they really can DO anything to make you not see him/ be with him. Your situation sounds a little like it could work like the author's. I use to think that keeping the relationship hidden would make a whole difference, it might since it doesn't strain your relationship with your parents. But what's the difference of telling them today or a year from now? Will they really change the way they feel about it? I told my parents almost 5 year into my hidden relationship...and telling them about how long we've been together didn't help a tad. It's still hard dealing with it because my parents do live here in the states as well (and I just moved home from college), I'm a prisoner in my own home. Every time I go out, they make sure it's with someone they know and emphasize that I can't see "that guy." The don't acknowledge him as my bf. I don't want to scare you because of the way my parents act, I just wanted you to get a sense that telling them sooner or later...probably won't change too much. The whole happiness part? I used that explanation too. They don't care. They believe if I love them enough, I would listen as well. It just doesn't work with my parents. I don't think anythings ever going to change until the day I choose him over my parents (marry). I know they won't support me...I know they won't attend my wedding...I know I won't be allowed to visit. But those are all the things they say would happen if I choose to spend my life with my bf. Will I be banned to see my parents forever? I don't know. But if you really want to be with your significant other, eventually you MUST make a choice near sacrifice. I mean, you choose to be with your significant other because you do see a forever with them with/without your parents :/ Sadly that choice is unfortunate... but it has to be made even though it's utterly unfair. Neither bf or parents should give us that kind of ultimatum. I've know friends whos' parents are completely out of their lives for that reason. And I know one or two who's story turned out like the author's.

its great to hear things have changed for the better ;) where would the world be without lovers ? i have been in interracial relationships and I'm almost certain i will end up in an interracial marriage if i ever get married, i just hope that it won't be to riddled with difficulties imposed by the parents (although I'm a tough cookie, so not to worried about external pressures outside of the relationship hehe)

Asians are not the only people white are not the only people against race mixing i am black and proud i do not want to mix either , the truth of the matter is that you not against your daughter marrying white just not black , i am against marrying white and asians i love my kinky hair and brown complexion i do not want Asians or white health problem i do not feel racist that i want my family to stay black and proud you do not have a monopoly on not wanting to mix and i not racist just proud of who my parent was and i know that mixing with you could not give me that.

But that sounds racist and intolerant. I'm sorry you don't see it and are in denial. I hope you will see the light.

That actually sounds very racist. I'm glad you are proud to be black, but you don't stop being black or develop "asian" or "white" problems just by marrying someone of a different race or having children with them. You and your family will always be black, and no other amount of races mixed in will ever change that.

I wish you all the best. My situation didn't go so well. I am white and my husband is Korean. To this day, my side of the family has never spoken to me since they found out I like asian men and don't want to date/marry a white man. After having my daughter, they stopped speaking to me all together. My mother-in-law has said multiple times to her son and to me...that she wishes I was Korean and not white and that she wishes he would of married a Korean girl. She is nice to me and is even asking for more grandchildren, but it still hurts that my skin color and the color of my husband's skin has shaped sadness in my heart.

Hello everyone. First of all, thank you for sharing your stories of love and courage. They are truly inspirational. I stumbled upon this website today as I sought out information about interracial relationships.

I truly need some advice. I feel very alone when it comes to this matter. I am a 23yr old Puerto Rican woman and my partner is a 19yr old Chinese American. We have been together for 9 months. He is exceptionally supportive and understanding of who I am and everything I do, despite how difficult it may be. I have Crohn' s Disease, and it is very difficult finding a partner whom you are truly comfortable with physically, emotionally, etc. He doesn't look at me and what I have to endure with this disease, and think, ' Oh, poor you.' He admires my strength.

Despite all this, there is one matter that unsettles me. He refuses to tell his parents about our relationship. He is an only child, therefore I understand how his relationship with them is so important. I would never come in between that. However, I introduced him to my family and friends almost immediately. I understood that there would be some disagreements, but I was willing to endure whatever happened as long as I proved to him that he is also a priority to me. He can't though. He says that he has never spoken to his family about relationships or sex, so it is difficult to bring this up. He doesn't want to disappoint them. He says that they will NEVER accept me, that they will criticize me. That he can' t bear to see what that will do to me. I've told him that I can't make anyone like me, but I wouldn't' t want to be hidden either. It is hurtful. When he is home from breaks, our time together is restricted, because I have an allotted time,so he may have dinner with his parents and spend their days off with them. He can't have dinner at my house, or even by ourselves because he doesn't' t want to disappoint his mom by skipping dinner. I also receive a lot of pressure from my parents (especially my mom) because they can' t understand why he can't introduce me to his family as his partner. My parents think that because I am Latina, his parents believe I am less than them; unworthy. That makes my parents furious. For Latinos, family is utterly important as well. But my family refuses to accept him until he ' stops being a coward.'

Him and I have argued about this so much. He tells me is scared to relay this information to them, and he is just not ready to deal with what might occur. I am willing to give my all, and have, for us, but I feel like there are so many ifs, and or buts from him. He said he would tell them this break, now he has told me that he is not comfortable yet. If made me feel very hurt and alone. However, a friend of mine told me that this isn't' t about me. That this is his situation to deal with, and that I just needed to let it go and allow him to deal with it at his own accord.

Will he ever tell them? Or will I just be hurt even more in the long run because he cannot make the big gesture for me?

I understand what you are going through, I am latina too, and have an indian boyfriend. Although my situation has not yet resolved, I am in a much calmer state than I have been in a long time. All I can tell you is that your situation is only the beginning, that when you say you are willing to give it your all, that is exactly what it's going to take.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years, we are both 25+ years, with well established careers. And like you, we are both very attached to our families. It only took a couple of months to figure out the situation with his parents, that they were not going to accept a non-indian partner for their son. Since our relationship was so new, it was hard to really know if what we felt wasn't really just fuzzy and thoughtless feelings of a new love, so after the first confrontation with his parents (he had also put it off even though I immediately started hassling him to talk to them), we ended up breaking up... for the first time (yes there were several breakups and times apart). However, our strongest connection has always been our friendship, we were friends for an entire year before we even acknowledged our feelings for each other, and I think both us were already truly in love with each other by the time we got together, even when neither of us could understand it at first. We have never been able to do without each other's friendship, even when we have tried to be apart... even when separated by thousands of miles and weeks without talking to each other.

The thing you have to understand, that he loved them first, and that attachment is something that no one will ever be able to diminish. He knows what they feel/seem to understand is completely wrong, yet it is against his very nature to hurt those he loves in any way even though they are wrong. This has nothing to do with you. This has taken me a very long time to understand. I have been through extremely difficult times and even times of depression and confusion. I've questioned his feelings for me until I almost drove both of us crazy. Yet every single time we got to the point of no return, I couldn't come to any other conclusion that he really does love me and that I truly do love him. We resolved to stay together and have him keep trying with his family, basically not to accept having to give either side up. This is a lot easier said than done.

It does hurt so very much to be accepted for something that you can't help. That you know (and probably so does he) that no one in the world will love him the way you do. But one thing must be straight with your bf and yourself, that he needs to face up this battle you must undertake. I can only describe your part of this battle, because it is the side I am part of, but I can tell you after many many months of these depressing and hurt feelings I feel for myself, if he is truly fighting for, you will start understanding how hard all of this is for him. I feel so bad seeing my bf look so stressed, utterly tired, and disappointed he is with this situation with his parents, because in the end, it is him they are hurting, not you.

So my situation isn't yet resolved, but I feel calm? The fact is that it isn't until now that I can understand both sides more clearly (my side and my boyfriend's side) I can't deny that both of us have tried our absolute hardest to make this work. At this point in time I can truly and calmly ask God to do his will, and if he wills it, we will be together, because we have given it our all. I don't think I could go through and ask him to give up his family (unless that is his choice) because I cannot imagine giving up mine. I also know that there might come a time that I may no longer want to wait for him in order to start my life with a family. This is where I know that I am maturing as a person, and no longer dramatizing everything. This is not the end of the world. You have to be thankful for the life you've had, the family that loves you, the friends you have, and truly know within yourself that you are very much worth everything you hope for for yourself. My family started reacting like yours when they saw my hurt feelings, but as I found myself gain stability (within myself), they no longer make these comments, they kind of just wait until I want to talk about my bf in front of them because they trust I know how to handle my situation.

I love my bf with all my heart, in spite of all the hurt feelings and hard times we have experienced, I know that we really do love each other, and I would wish nothing more than to be able to marry him. However, I know I have to be ok if that does not happen. Everything has to happen as it should, as long as we try our best :)

I can't agree more with mg32. Simply because I'm in her bf's situation. I can promise you this, just because your bf can't resolve things the way you think is easier. Or ways you were raised to do so, it doesn't mean he's not trying. My Hispanic bf broke up with me (Asian) after 3 years over this reason. His mother left her family to be with my bf's dad. Just because his mother did that at 18 years old. Doesn't mean I am capable of losing all connections with my parents. We got back together after several months because I was practically pressured like you girls are/were pressuring your bfs, to come out to my parents. We just passed our 5 year mark of being together. I told my parents this past August... I've been so...SO...depressed and stressed over the situation. I can immediately cry trying to think about how much I love my parents and how much I love my bf. I don't want to lose any of them. There's going to come a day where I will have to gather up the courage to "dishonor" the family (I am only child). There's going to be a day where I have to emotionally prepare myself to never see parents again. If you love your parents, how would you feel if they made you choose a guy you love for several years over people who brought you into this world? How would you feel if they threaten to ban you from their funeral? Refuse to be at your wedding? Refuse to let you visit home? Reassure you the moment you walk about of the door with him, they want nothing to do with you? It's VERY easy to say "If I love them that much, I would." Another to actually go through it and feel obligated to do so when you're just not ready yet.

Hi Jojoo,

I had to reply to you as I am in an identical situation to you in that I\'ve told my parents about my relationship too and they\'re in the same kind of state of denial. I really feel for the people who are the \'hidden\' partner in the ,relationship,but like you say,the pressure is really on when it becomes a choice between parents and partner.

I hid my relationship for about a year before telling my parents and they said exactly the same things as the author of the post: \"he\'ll cheat\" \"he\'s just using you\" \"I don\'t trust him\"\"you\'ll be poor\" \"you\'re not my daughter.\" people who say that they don\'t meanwhat they say don\'t understand how deeply entrenched these fears and feelings are. my parents conceded to meeting my bf, but although they were perfectly pleasant,they had already made their minds up: they wouldn\'t and will never accept him. post meeting we had phenomenal fights over him. my mother verbally abused me and even grabbed me by the neck and tried to throttle me. thisis standard behaviour by my parents when they dislike something. At some point somehow, things calmed down, but now they\'re using a differentt tactic by acting like he doesn\'t exist and talking as if everything is normal and speaking as if I\'m not seeing him and in terms as if I need their validation to do anything e.g. \"we trust you.\" it\'s manipulative and frustrating, but they do it because they live in hope that we\'ve broken up, yet as they are still secretly concerned need to test me by using terms like \"we trust you\" to force me to reveal if I\'m seeing him or not on any given occasion,when I do not need to. it\'s cruel.

Unfortunately, there isn\'t one answer that fits all and as is obvious doing the big reveal to parents doesn\'t almost create a happy outcome. As such,in my view we can only hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. It\'s a horrible situation to be in for the partner as well, but from the perspective of the person doing the revealing it\'sarguably a bigger gamble:one might lose not only one\'s family but also the person one is doing it for as well. It\'s a horribly difficult situation.  

I am Bengali and I am in love with a black man. With the stereo types they have my parents are furious and making me choose. He is such a wonderful guy..we both have a great career in accounting and he is currently getting his masters to get his CPA and so am I. He comes from an amazing family and him or his family does not meet stereotypes given at their race.It's sad because my mom knows how much I love this man but ignores it by looking for a man for me through her friends and tells everyone to look. I love my parents they have done so much for me but I have made them proud and this far did what they liked for me to do...but this time I want to be able to make a decision. It has been making me so sad that I am falling into depression. I can't leave him it will be a big loss in my end. He is amazing and has been supporting me through this. Please pray for us

Girls, I found my sense of belonging over here.
I am a Chinese with an Indian boyfriend for almost a year, I faced dramas and harsh comments of telling what I should do and it is "good for my life". I am very new dealing with this and I broke down many times because of what my family member said.
It is very heart breaking for me and I am looking for a way to solve this. The Chinese culture inherents in me, I love and respect my family. But when they talked abt the issue between me and my bf, they made it sound like I am a very bad daughter.
He helped with my English, guided me for my homework, introduced me to a freer and relax environment. There is something that a Chinese boyfriend cannot give me.
I feel terrible arguing with my family, yet I feel terrible letting him know I suffer like this. Perhaps I am too young to understand their concerns, but what they are doing is just pushing me further away from them, and destroying my image of my nice family members.
Why are they telling me who should I choose for life? If I listened to them and chose a Chinese guy, is that their responsibility when he turned out to be a total jerk and I put the blame on them?

I really need help and find a way to get out of this, I feel helpless.

I am in a similar situation. My family will not accept my boyfriend who is of a different religious background and have told me they will never accept it. It is such a horrible thing to go through. I have also said to my parents if I married a man that is the same religion but he turns out horrible then what would they do?? How are things now for you?

I can't believe we all have such similar stories...I am chinese with a hispanic boyfriend. We've been together for almost EIGHT years now, and i have been keeping this from my parents. They have always told me they did not want me to marry a colored man. I am 24 and still trying to establish my career. I figure i would tell them once i get into graduate school,which will be within one year because i don't want to hide it any longer. his family keeps telling him he needs to meet my parents. I know my parents will not approve, they have found out about him before and all hell broke loose. I feel so childish hiding this relationship but its all i can do to keep peace at home, i don't want to break my parents heart, i am very close to them....Holidays are the worst because we can't spend them with each other. I'm so torn by this, its breaking my heart and causing me major anxiety....

Girly, I know your pain. I too, am Chinese with hispanic bf. We've been together for 5 yrs. Of all yrs I hid the relationship, I got so fed up with lying behind their backs..I came to my mom about it this August (THINKING she'd be more understanding). My life has been so miserable and confusing at home that I just want to stay at my campus apartment all the time. For weeks my parents went insane throwing out absurd threats (can't attend their funeral the day they die, I can't visit home ever after I marry him/not allowed to come back, they won't attend my wedding, and that I won't be acknowledged anymore). My parents are traditional, so in theory I shouldn't move out on my own unless it means marriage (that's if your job is within driving distance). For the last 2-3 weeks they've been nothing but super nice to me, I knew they didn't change their minds about him, but a part of me liked that they were keeping my life with them separate from my relationship with my bf. Or so I thought. Turns out today, after a phone call, I realize they've been acting this way and buying me things in hopes it was going to buy my heart (changing my mind about my bf). Of course, we got into an argument (we've tried the 'talk in calm manner,' it never worked). And I'm now back to square one. I'm about to graduate. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get ANY freedom moving back home turning 23! Not to mention, I'm an only child... It breaks my heart that I can't have best of both worlds. I love my parents and I love my bf. It's so unfortunate that our parents are so stubborn and closed minded to our generation (I'm not talking about those under 15)...I'm talking about those growing up in the 90's not necc. born in the 90's....we had that transition period where the parents are still have older generation mind set. I used to be like you saying that I rather wait till I graduated/get into grad school to tell them. Then I realize it probably wouldn't wouldn't make a difference in the world. My education, my "good" things aren't going to change his ethnicity, physical attributes, education,job, etc. My parents were going to hate him/ not want to ever meet him BECAUSE of who he is....not what I've done. When I came out about it, exactly that happened. They have always been so forceful with me finishing college and finding a good job. It was just the bare min. line of importance towards the relationship (of course if they ever (I hope they will) overcome his ethnicity and want to meet him) THEN, my education & and his would matter.

It hits me so hard how many of us share these stories...I've long accepted the world is slow to change, but I guess I still hope for the best for me - and I'm 32! :)

I'm Chinese, my boyfriend is 29 and Latino and he's my soulmate. We get along better than we do anyone else we've ever lived with (we've both been in several long-term live-in relationships with those of our same ethnicity).

Even at this age, I still get lectures and racist crap from my mom who's not even in the country anymore. The benefit of our age is that we're adults with jobs so we can just go ahead with our lives.

I don't want to face the situation my childhood friend did - her immediate family disowned her when she married a poor, white, non-college graduate. I was the maid of honor at her wedding and though she had a TON of support from extended family, friends and her husband's family, it's still such a painful situation. I do NOT want to choose between my family and my love. We're both hoping for a miracle one day... :)