Strict Parents Against Interracial Marriage
Posted December 14th, 2009 at 12:21AM
DEC 2009 - I have been with my caucasian boyfriend for the past 5 years and we broke up a few years ago thanks to the pressure my parents put on me, saying that he had no future, no money, he's going to cheat on me, etc. But despite everything, we got back together again. I'm turning 24 next year, he'll be 25 and we're planning on getting married within 6 months to a year from now, but when I told my parents that he proposed to me, they were furious!
First of all, they know I've been together with this guy for a long time but I thought they might get softer throughout all these years but boy was I wrong. They live in a different country along with the rest of the family and relatives so I'm the only one here in the US. I understand why they would get mad and not trust my fiancee since my mom only met him once, plus he's in the Navy so it's a little hard for us to go across the globe to get together. My parents originally said that it's OK for me to want to marry him as long as we wait 3 years. We were only willing to wait as long as a year and a half so when I talked to my parents again, they changed their opinion that they are now completely against me marrying a white guy and since he's in the Navy, they said they are 100% sure he's going to cheat on me. They wanted me to come back into their house, picked a guy for me and have me marry him even though I don't have any feelings for him. They said feelings can grow later. I mean how messed up is that?! And then they forced me to choose between my fiancee and the whole family (we were talking via phone all the time) and it literally broke my heart. I couldn't answer that because I didn't want to break their hearts so I told them that it was such a childish, selfish and foolish question. They totally degrade my fiancee's job in the Navy and basically said that we will be poor for the rest of our lives. My dad even threatened to disown me and will have me kicked out of his own funeral one day.
All this ruckus is only because he's white. They know how good he is inside and how polite he is to them but they still couldn't get past the fact that he's caucasian. They're so sure he's going to mess our lives up, that he's going to cheat on me and will leave me for a prettier girl. As for me, I know he will not because we've been through a lot more than they know. We've broken each other's hearts, we went through separations for months at a time (as long as 6 months) and I finally know that he will stay true to me and will be able to provide everything for me. I also love him with all my heart and it's so painful to hear my siblings wailing on the phone, accusing me on choosing "that white guy" over our family.
DEC 2010 UPDATE - We are now happily married and my parents have accepted that there is nothing they can do to change my mind so they could either be happy for us or be miserable and eventually regret this later on. I have included the updates along our journey in the comments below. If you need any encouragement or any word of advice please message me or add me to your circle, I would be more than happy to talk to you :)
JAN 2012 UPDATE - We are now finally trying to conceive after being married for almost 2 years. My parents are more than happy with us being together and my immediate family traveled all the way to the US to attend our wedding ceremony and got to know my husband. God has been very good to us and we are excited to be out of the Navy by the end of the month. My husband is going to go back to school for his Master's degree in Physician's Assistant, and so we are embracing yet another adventure life has thrown at us :)
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I can totally understand you. Cheer up sweetie.
Keeping on your own decision if you are sure how good he is. I think your family can understand your oneday, and I'm sure they just want to make sure that you are happy.
You can make it! -
its your life so tell the family goodbye for now and some day they will accept it. especially when you have chilodren
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UPDATE: Things are looking better. They are still against me marrying my fiance but they're not nearly as mad or broken hearted as before. We talked on the phone the other day and they finally said that they were not going to force me or drag me back to their house since it would be pointless. They said they wouldn't attend the wedding (but I'm still crossing my fingers and will sugar coat them with extra toppings on top up until the last minute, hoping the will change their mind). I have some support from a couple of relatives and my younger brother actually listened to my reasoning.
I told him that marriage is a sacred thing and we have already talked about divorce 3 years ago. Being married is a huge change from being in a relationship and it is something we all should take seriously. It is like building a house, you have to have a strong foundation so that when an earthquake strikes, your house won't be lying in ruins. I also told him that yes, our life isn't going to be nearly as luxurious as the life I would have had if I were to live there and marry that guy they had already prepared for me but I know we're going to be fine and comfortable. We talked for about 2 hours and had a great conversation. Alas, my parents are still against me marrying this white guy but I don't love him because he's white. I love him because he is who he is, my silly sailor who likes to pick on me.
Thanks for all the comments and support, I REALLY appreciate them. I'll keep you updated if you don't mind :) -
Your parents will eventually come around.
All races, nationalities, cultures etc. have difficulty adapting to people different then themselves. It's typical human behavior. Your parents just have fears. They need more time and exposure.
I believe it will all work out. -
gosh i understand what u are going through... i'm 22, asian-australian, and my parents give me all that bullshit too. saying that my bf will cheat on me, the relationship will never last... being with him will bring shame to the family, my parents say i'm stubborn, saying that the bf is probably just using me for sex, saying that he is inferior because he is african, and they throw all this racist remarks around... my father has already disowned me. i'm a full-time student, but i'm studying part-time as of the second half of this year so i can work. i'm job-seeking now cos i desperately want to move out of this hell hole.
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Thanks for you all that encouraged me :) AngelMami, don't give up, they will come around! Mine did, kind of lol. They are not paying for anything anymore since the end of last year but me and my husband (hooyah! we just got married) are proving to my parents that he can support me even though I live in a foreign country far away from them.
My suggestion is to be cool headed, persistent, and patient. They are from a different generation and every parents have their own dreams on how they wanted their daughter to live her life but again, it's all up to us to live our lives.
Good luck, sending you warm hugs :) -
I'm in an interracial relationship right now with a Cambodian guy. So far, I've said only a few words to his parents, and they seem to be okay with me at the present time. I know, however, that they expect him to marry a Cambodian girl (it's already been arranged) in the future, so I'm a tad bit nervous.
I'm glad things are starting to work out for you and your husband. If my boyfriend and I last long enough for this to become an issue, your experience will inspire me to not give up hope that his family will come around. :) -
Hello,
I am very touched by your story. I think some people put their parents on a pedestal too high in their lives.
I'm Haitian, and have a Chinese girlfriend. She is a valuable person in my life. Even if I have a degree in Chinese Studies and I speak fluent Mandarin, this is not enough to offset the fact that I am black. It is sad to say this, but it's true. At the beginning of my studies, I was sure it was a cultural thing. I talked to some of my professors and one of her brothers and sisters to really know what the problem was. The media likes to put bad images and stereotypes about blacks and other races, that people of her family fears for her future.
But the thing is ... What to do in this situation? You know you are made for each other and both of you are sure you'll stay together for life. What do you do when your family is against your marriage or relationship?
I do not know if you are religious, but here's what my girlfriend did.
She puts her parents in a high pedestal as if they were gods. And be the shame of the family was not an option for her. So she left me. She did it for her parents. Not for her. Being a Buddhist she went in search of a monk because even if her parents were satisfied with the situation, she felt horrible. She wanted to know why. Guess what the monk said.
You'll get your answer in your religion. Being a Buddhist can you tell me what are the four things that leads to evil?
1. Greed
2. Anger and hatred
3. Ignorance
4. Fear and anxiety
The fact that you put so much importance to your parents not just about doing what you need in your heart, but forget the guide lines that has been done for us in the world.
I must say that it is powerful! I am a Christian and this is very true. The Bible is my guide. I love my mother. But she can not be the center of my life. What will happen when she will die. It's sad to say this, but everyone will die one day. So I have to use what my mother taught me and look at my guide. (Usually your parents are the first to offers these religious guidelines) and if something is not like, ask why.
That's what my girlfriend did with her family. She reminded them who brought Buddhism to her world and thank them because it has reopened her guidelines and had some questions for them. The parents had no choice but to listen. Her mind elevation has surprised them. She called me a few days later telling me that her parents wanted to meet me and this after 4 years. They wanted to learn to know me. I will not lie, but the fact that I speak Chinese certainly made things easier.
Next month is our wedding and everyone will be there (the Haitians and Chinese )!!!!
The moral of my story is to not really worrying about what our parents think of our decisions. Just be sure that we follow the guidelines because these guidelines will always be there not your parents. As long as you do not fail to honor your religious guidelines, you can defend yourself with this.
Courage -
hey girl. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I too am in a similar situation. I've dated my fiancée for five years now and we are in love. In year three, I told my family about him and my mother threw a fit. She cried for months- not just a tear drop here and there, but the hiccup wailing. She said that I was selfish and that she had waited all her life to make asian in-laws that she can communicate with in her native tongue. She felt sorry for herself. I understood her concerns but I love him. He is everything for me. He gave up his job to move closer to me. He cares for me and we cannot image life without each other. So our(mother and mine) relationship went down hill from there. Conversations are brief and she pretended that he was not a part of my life. She say that he's not good enough. I am a doctor from an ivy league school and he does not an advance degree. But it is all false reasonings to get her way.
Fastforward three years, me approaching thirty, and she's growing to accept the man in my life. She still gives passive aggressive remarks, which I ignore. But this weekend, we are finally doing the two family sit down for a formal introduction. If things go well, we will be married by next fall. I am worried that things may expose which will really dampen things between me and my guy. My mother is known for speaking her mind- loudly. And he does not know that there is this tension. I've shelter him from all this- after all, what good does it make if he knows my parents disapproves of him. right? But the secret pressure is building inside me and I am too stressed out about it because there is no one to share the burden.
The main point to this long winded post is that, yes, things do get better with time. And your parents will realize that if they don't accept, they will lose a child. -
Hi Baby3tangerine, thanks for sharing your story with us! I agree with what you said that either the parents accept our decision and be happy for us, or lose their daughter (or son). My parents are happy for us now that there is nothing they can do. They realized that they had a choice between throwing a temper tantrum once every few days, wailing and threatening me, or accept the situation and be happy for us. Fortunately for me the chose the latter and they are actually looking forward to our wedding reception in July next year. We are married now but we decided to postpone the ceremony and reception in hope that my parents would turn around and be happy for us, which they did :)
I totally understand my parents' feeling of wanting to be able to communicate with their son-in-law in their native language as it would probably make them feel closer to him but what can we do? We chose someone who doesn't speak the native language. My husband is now very interested in learning my native language so that he would be able to talk to my dad as my mom and my siblings can speak English enough to be able to understand each other) he knew from the beginning of our relationship 6 years ago that my parents did not like him and he was very upset with the way my parents called me in the middle of the night to threaten or plead with me to leave him. Now that my parents are happy with us he is excited to meet them for Chinese New Year :)
I am so proud of you to be able to stand up to your parents. I know how miserable it was and I'm glad both of us can stand here now proudly saying that we have chosen the path we want to take. Good luck to the both of you!
P.S: Ohhh the sarcastic -joking- remark about him, I completely understand that too, I still get that every now and then but every time I get that I would return it to them saying well, too late to do anything about it now and they would drop the subject -
Well, after being in a similar situation 35 years ago, let me chime in. My in-laws survived the bombing of Hiroshima, so it's understandable that they were concerned when their daughter told them she was going to marry me. An Americans probably wasn't their first choice for an in-law, an American Marine even less so. Having their youngest daughter a third of the way across the world probably wasn't their wish either. Their first concern was their daughter's happiness, and they were actually less opposed than my wife's brother and sister.
It helped tremendously that my parents were very accepting of my wife, and I only semi-joke that if it came to a choice, they would pick her over me. I wouldn't blame them either, she was and is one very impressive human being. I'm still humbled by the fact that she married me.
Her parents and mine are both gone now, but they were all great people. They loved our kids, and us. They were pretty smart, and very wise. Who would hurt someone they love? -
Hi! I'm a 27yo European and my boyfriend is a 28yo Asian and it is very similar situation that we are in, his parents, mainly grandfather, who is the main authority in their family, completely disapproves of our marriage, though we cannot imagine life without each other. We used to live in one country, but he then had to move back to his homeland because of family business. After that we visited each other on numerous occasions and we want to get married by the end of the year with me moving to his country. His grandfather threatens to disowe him and he says a lot of ridiculous and painful things about me, they say adding white blood to their lineage will mess evrth up, and that I will eventually grow homesick and leave him. This is a mild way of saying things I'm using here, but what they have said about me have hurt me so bad. They seem to not appreciate my graduate school degree or ability to speak several foreign languages - I'm just a shame to their kin in every way. We might end up marrying secretly, but this is such a sad thing when all we want is to bring happiness to everyone around us!
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@mrskimtob- It is a difficult situation that you are in and I can understand your frustrations. From my experience, I've learned that time can make things better. As mentioned above (Baby3tangerine), I am asian and my fiancée is white american. After five years of being together, my parents gave in. I know that my mother is not happy, but she's dealing with it. As will your new in-laws. With time they will witness the love of you and your husband. And with time they will appreciate you. Make sure that you are ready to move to a new country, experience new culture, and the ridiculous expectation for materialistic/appearance that comes with our culture =P . It is sad, but in many part of the whole, especially asia, when a women marries, she is expected to give up her family and live for her husband. The daughter is law is the bottom of the food chain and the pressure can suck. Make sure you guys get your own place =P
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Hi I am half greek/english and my gf is viet and is 25. She has a curfew, is not allowed to talk to me on the phn, take my calls, I can't visit her, she has to sneak short visits so we can be togethr. I have a average clerk trpe job in finance, I make my way. She is a pharmacist. Her parents really put a strain on us, I could count the times she has slept over. We been 2gthr for 2.5 years. I got trust issues too, which makes it harder. And I live alone. Her parents are ruinin both our lives.
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so sad. if your parents could see our boys (eurasian) maybe they change their minds - such handsome, smart, athletic, popular boys. we are truly blessed that neither of our parents ob
jected to our marriage -
I am Armenian and my girlfriend is half black and half white. The day I met her I knew this was someone I could grow with and soon fell in love with her. Our first date was planned to be an hour long, but we ended up spending 7 hours together. I have never met anyone as supportive, loving, kind and caring as her, but my parents are both against it...My family was celebrating my 20th birthday yesterday and the first thing my dad said in his toast was: "we won't have any blacks in the family", which pissed me off and we ended up getting in a huge fight. Then we got into a long discussion/ fight this morning and he told me that he would never see her or be in the same room with her and that he can't love mixed grandchildren...My mom was on his side, but is also more supportive of me saying: "I don't agree with it, but if you love this girl I can't stop you". I feel like I'm betraying my parents by dating her...we've been together for 9 months...but on the other hand I love her very much and can't imagine anyone better....I don't know what to do....they complain to me everyday...
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i feel all of everybody's comments. I have a little bit of everything that most ppl went thru. I'm an Asian chick dating a divorced Latino man who has 4 kids from previous marriage and is 13 yrs older than me. That definitely is a no-no for my family. To them, this is a big shock and they will not accept him or the fact that we are madly in love and that we want to be together. They threaten to disown me, or to even bring me back to my home country. They took my car keys and my cell phone and everything else that would prevent me from keeping in touch with my boyfrd. And guess how old i am?? I am 28 yrs old and they treated me like they would to a 13 yr old.
They use religion to make me change my mind. I love my family and I wish i can salvage my relationship with them but as long as I am with my boyfrd, there is no way they will ever come around. I wish they could see what a great person my boyfrd is and how much he loves me. All i ask is for them to give him a chance to get to know him and to see how we are as a couple. I have never been happier and never been so sure of somebody in my life. It's a shame that my family thinks otherwise. -
Hey. I couldn't but help relate to your story. My situation is similar to yours. He is 13yrs older than me, divorced has a grown kid. This realtionship is going on for eight years. Of course there was the initial shock and then they took it to a whole another level. They called my aunt back in Korea to ask the fortune teller about my life (don't know if you are Korean but they like to do this kind of **** for literally everything. Let's just say that they don't even go on vacation together before checking up on the **** to make sure that they won't have a tragic accidents) so of course they tell me that my life is. It going to be same if I go with this guy that I'll end up divorcing him and then go into another marriage after that and after that and then end up becoming a monk or a shaman. I know this whole thing sounds absurd and I don't believe it but knowing them they whole heartdly believe this nonsense. They throw all kinds of guilt trips at me. Saying how can you do this to our family. I didn't come to this country to let you get married to a guy like that, ill die early if you go this way, the whole nine yards. And guess what I'm 31. If I didn't care about them I would've just pushed on but I think I'm going to try to live my life and hope that they can somewhat see that I'm happy. If not then I'm just going to have to go my way and they will have to disown me. It's pretty tough. I'm just glad that during hard times like this there are other people who can understand whatim going thru and relate to me,vice versa. I'm going to hangin there. It's another bump I the road. You hang in there too.
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Can I say I can relate to this as well...I am Chinese and my boyfriend is a divorced Puerto Rican with one young son, 15 years older. We've been together 7 months, currently in a committed relationship but no rush to get married for another few years. My mom is completely against it, saying the same things, that I was going to shame my entire family, make her lose face in front of everyone, that he was going to cheat on me, that he was going to dump me if I got pregnant by him, that he was just going to leave me later on because according to her, "that's how all Hispanics are". She also said, 'how can I ever show my face around our family and friends if my daughter is dating/married to a Hispanic guy, especially one who is divorced??' She also went to a fortune teller who supposedly said that our relationship wasn't going to last. It doesn't matter to her that he is responsible, comes from a great family, has a very stable job, is a good father to his son, and is a wonderful boyfriend who has been nothing but friendly and good to my family and friends. I'm 27, by the way. She even said she never wants to see him again. She's only met him once (and only at my uncle's wedding because he invited both of us), and didn't even bother trying to get to know him. She also guilt trips me nonstop, and is furious if I choose to spend time with my boyfriend instead of her, even though I make the effort to see her twice a week. She even went so far as to say that if I ever married this guy and had kids with him, that means she would have failed as a mother and she doesn't want any "stupid half Puerto Rican grandkids" running around. The rest of my family is fine and supportive...my brother said he doesn't agree with the relationship, but that it's my decision and he won't try to stop me. Unfortunately my mom has been incredibly stubborn all her life, so I hope that one day she will come around, even if it takes years. Until then, if that day ever comes, we have to hang in there and stay strong. After all, whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?
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unfortunately i have been keeping my hatian GF a secret for 5 months and my mom found out and made me break up if i wanted to live in the house. so i did and then we went out 2 weeks later. but the guilt is still the same and I dont know how to tell my family, their indian. My mom thinks shes inferior and lesser then us and shes not on our "level" because shes black,. any tips on how to break it to her? i think I should wait until I can live on my own. Because I know she will disown me and its difficult choose between my family and GF but I would choose my GF because I know she is good and my family is not rejecting her for good reason.
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i want to share sum delima 2...life has come 2 a stand still :( need 2 talk!
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Are you okay? Sorry I didn't see this earlier. I am still here if you need someone to talk to
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i want to share sum delima 2...life has come 2 a stand still :( need 2 talk!
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I too am going through similar things all of you have, and are going through. I'm a 27yr korean female, my (ex?)boyfriend is a 26 white male... We met in college back about 6 years ago. Getting to the point.. we lived together for about 2 years after college behind my parents back while his parents knew from the begining. To this day I deny we ever lived together if my parents ask. My parents are traditional, christian, korean parents and I am the oldest in the family with 2 other sisters. My parents voiced their opinion loud and clear from the time they found out we were dating. They didn't want anything to do with him, they didn't know to know anything about him, they didn't care, all they want is for us to break up.
Their main excuse is that he isn't a christian "he's catholic and isn't like us, they liked to party and believe differently" and the other excuse is that he's white and wouldn't understand our culture, the communication/language barrier with him and his parents. I understand their reasoning and feel that too sometimes, but our love for each other is continuing to grow... My (ex?)boyfriend knows how my parents feel and know all of what they have/had to say but he continues to keep positive and continues to think of ideas to 'change' my parents' mind. He has been writing a letter that he will be getting translated into korean from a coworker at work that he will eventually give to my parents, this letter will communicate and reach out to my parents his feelings, thoughts, about our relationship and his hopes for my parents to support and get on board. The question isn't how will my parents take that... the question is will my parents even give it a second thought... or better yet, will they even take their time to read it. I'm crossing my fingers they will read it, but I really hope and pray they will see and consider being "okay" with us being together.
Those of you reading this post might question why I mention him as a questionable ex, is because we "broke up" about a month ago. I needed time on my own, time to think about what I wanted for the future, if all this is worth the stress and sadness it's making me go through everyday. The closest people in my life are against the idea of us together, telling me I could do better... I don't have people around me supporting this relationship, so the easiest thing, and what seemed the most obvious thing for me to do was to end things. My guy was against us breaking up, telling me I had to think for myself and not allow other's reasoning influence my feelings of us. The thing about me is I want to please everyone... I've been torn left and right and I'm at the point where I just want to go away... I don't care if i'm unhappy, as long as others around me are happy i'll just do what i need to. My sisters and parents don't see it. they don't understand why I want to be with him, they don't know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.. they know we "broke up" and get mad or question why we still talk on the phone. I hate when they start talking about him.. I get angry and upset, mad and annoyed when they try to bring him up in a conversation because I know where they are going with it. they bash him any way they could and succeed because i can't come back with anything to back me up. i can't communicate with them my true feelings in it of itself because of MY language barrier. Yea I speak korean, but its hard for me to communicate with them the deep level of communication I need to explain to them, my level of fluency is basic, and theirs is too but of english, to make matters worse, my younger sister, 23 is dating in 'my parents eyes' the perfect 28 yr old korean christian guy. they've been dating a year now and talking about getting engaged. i'm happy for her because shes my sister and hes a good guy, but it breaks my heart over and over hearing my parents rave about him and wanting to know everything about him, inviting him to dinner, etc. and there I am crying inside... i don't want to sound like a *****, but don't they realize what they are doing to me?? hurting me and making me swallow my pain and my emotions...
There are times when I just want to give up, just do what my parents want me to do because it'll be easier that way... but is that the right thing to do? I've asked God to guide me and lead me to his path, what he wants me to do... I've told my guy just to move on, etc. but he is determined to fight for our love. Don't get me wrong, i don't deserve him at all... i've done my share in hurting him, as he did to me. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't have given me a second chance or a third chance, yet a fourth or fifth chance, but he sees something in me, in us that he wants to keep and grow in and i love him for that. There were times when i was mean, just plain out nasty to him so that he would leave me... but he stayed, reassuring me everything will work out and worth the fight. I love him and i want to fight along side of him, but i'm scared of losing my parents and not gaining their approval that i'm willing to lose it all... -
@yummiefruits, I can completely and 100% relate your situation to what i am going through right now...I am Korean and my fiance is caucasian American. I am 26 years old and hes 35. Theres a bit of age gap btw us and he has two kids. I have been engaged for about two years now, and three years total since we have been together. My situation is a bit different than yours because my family finally approved us and told us to plan on a wedding until i finally decided to tell my mom the truth about him having two kids. I knew telling my mom the truth would lead to my family's disapproval of him and us getting married. Thats why I have not been able to let my mom about this but at the same time i couldnt go through the wedding hiding about the kids and puting my fiance go through that. Plus she would have eventually found out about the kids. I am relieved now at least i finally told my mom but now shes threatening me and trying so hard to change my mind. She said there is no way she will ever accept nor approve of him and us together. She wants us to split. She said marriage is different from dating. Esp being with a man with kids would make our marriage even more difficult. I understand where she is coming from and i know she is just really concerned about my happiness and what she thinks is right thing to do but She doesnt know i thought this through over and over again and i know i am making the right decision for myself. I just wish my mom would just let me make my own decision on whom i want to marry instead of trying to make me choose btw my mom or my fiance. My mom's window and what she can see is very limitted bc of what she seen or hear around her, and mostly bc of our culture. She only thinks and sees everything from her perspective. She even told me if i choose him over him she will disown me and never talk to me again. Its just breaking my heart so much bc my mom has been through alot bc of my dad whom she has devorced more than 10 years ago. She raised me including my brother and sister all by herself since my dad left. Theres just so much i can say about what a great mother i have. I have never talked back to my mom once nor went against my mom before I respect her so much but i really love this guy and cant imagine my life without him nor without my mom. I am about to tell my mom i am going to marry him no matter what but I am just so scared to lose my mom for good. I am just really hoping she would turn around and be happy for me at the end but I cant help but to expect the worst case scenerio. I love my mom so much i would die for her but I dont think i should give this up just because my mom thinks is the right thing to do. I also speak Korean but I can't communicate with my mom my true feelings in it of itself because of my language barrier. Its extremely hard for me to communicate with them the deep level of communication and often or almost always i forget the words. Also has to do with me being nervous to talk with my mom bc she is extremely stubborn and have a strong voice of her opinions she wouldnt even let me talk. Bottom line, I just want my mom would be okay after what i am about to tell her. I am just really worried sick, i am so miserable and so devastated i cant function right now. :(
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Hi there, I'm sorry I can't offer any real insight but I know exactly what you're going through. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine, down to the relationship we have with our mothers. I wish the best for you...it's a hard place to be in, and it's so sad that there are still people out there who can't see beyond who someone appears to be on the outside, or the color of their skin :/
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OMG. I can relate. Hopefully I will have a happy ending like you.
-- Geninefils -
I am so glad to know that there are other people in my situation (but bad because people have to be in this type of situation to begin with). I am 25 y/o Korean from Korea, been dating this white guy for 3 years. He is a wonderful guy and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I've been dating him behind my parents back for the same old reasons the other ladies seem to have with their parents. Initially I told my parents, yes I hang out with this white guy a lot, and they were not happy about it at all, so I just didn't bother anymore. Plus before I left Korea for the US, my dad told me if I ever date an American man, he'd stop paying for my college. Luckily, I am financially independent now. Anyhow, I am visiting my family next week, and I wanted to tell them about my bf, because I want to move things along. But I am chickening out after I talked to my mom today. I asked her how she'd feel about me marrying an American guy, and she was NOT happy. She was all like if you wanna marry an American, why don't you look for a Korean American guy, preferably a doctor? She said that people would badmouth our family if I marry a white guy. I think there's more than my bf being white. I sympathize with babl3tangerine and the lady that was marrying a guy with 2 kids. I went to a prestigious college (and my dad paid... which makes me feel extremely guilty that I'd disappoint him), and am doing PhD in a ivy school. I don't think this type of education makes me a better person or anything. I don't give a rat's ***, I just do it because I want to do it and not to fish out some doctor dude strolling around the school. My bf is a cop with high school diploma. I am sure this is making things extra terrible. He's trying to go back to school to finish his college degree by the time he's 30. I don't know whether he will finish or not, sure him not having a degree sometimes makes me feel nervous but hey the cop job doesn't really require an advanced degree and they have a steady income. I don't know how much my parents want me to make, but sometimes I get annoyed by Asian parents in general b/c it seems like all they care about is money money money. I am really sick of it. I studied hard and worked hard so I can be an independent woman but at the same time, I must go find a rich man? I know where they are coming from, of course I want my precious daughter to not have to worry about finance. But I am frustrated, and am sick of hearing all this looking for a rich Korean doctor shenanigans at a Korean church. I see my friends beginning to tie the knot under the blessing of their parents (and even live together before they get married), and I feel sad because I feel like if it wasn't for my parents my bf and I would have started to plan our lives together. But I don't want to blame them at the same time because I love them, and I know they want the best for me... Also I feel extremely guilty about dating my bf behind my parents back. Also I just moved to a different state after dating for 2 yrs and we've been doing long distance for a yr now traveling back and forth...(1 h flight) I hate traveling without telling my parents. He tried to get a job here, but didn't work out and I'd love to go back to my older state so I am trying to finish up my PhD ASAP (yeah right!) So I have multiple things going on :/
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Sorry
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Thank you all for replying and sharing your stories, it's crazy how all of us share similar dilemmas.
For you who's been struggling on telling your parents about your relationship, I really suggest you prepare yourselves and your significant others to just come out and get it over with. I know it's hard and how much it will hurt your parents, but the fact that they cannot control your life stays the same. It is either to please your parents, or live your life. In time they will come to an understanding (especially if you are able to show them how wrong they were about your significant other, and that he/she treasures you just as much as a Korean/Asian guy would, or maybe even more!)
All of my family members came to our wedding celebration in June 2011 (we got married in March 2010 but no wedding party. Just family members from my husband's side of the fam) and I have to say that we are very blessed. My parents gave us their blessings and we went on a family trip together with my husband. I know we are lucky as well because some of my aunts and uncles encouraged us and talked to my parents (especially my dad who is a VERY stubborn person) and finally made him understand that he either can be happy for us or keep on "cursing" us by telling me that he would do something bad to me in the end.
We all have done our share of dating behind our parents backs, but believe me, it's better to ease your way out of it. Your parents won't be able to accept the fact that you are MARRYING someone from a different race right away but give them some time to accept the fact and to think about it. Start by telling them that you are dating this person, yes he is white, no he is not a horrible person. Yes, the neighbors/other family members would talk and bad mouth you but doesn't it mean that they are putting their "face" and pride over your happiness and decision? It might take months or even years for them to understand why you are choosing to date/marry someone from a different ethnicity.
Anyways, thanks again for all of you who shared your stories. I hope everything goes well! -
btw if you're still trying to conceive, I've heard many success stories happen for people who had acupuncture. no kidding. just find a good one.
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