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My Life Is a Train Wreck

I am at the end of my rope also.I have one of those lives that just doesn't feel like it is worth living.I used to cut myself to let some of the pain out but I can't now because I am seen by so many doctors due to my up coming lap-band surgery.The worst part is I can fool every one into thinking I am happy and have a great life.I fooled the psychaitrist that I spoke to for the lap-band surgery.You have to have an evaluation before you get the surgery and if he knew how I really felt he would have called me in as a 302.My husband makes me feel like this and he knows it.No matter how much I try to show him that I am not well he just dosen't care he hates me and wants me dead.He wants me to kill myself.I am tired of living.My life is to painful.

 

gwenb gwenb 26-30, F 1 Response Dec 10, 2008

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i sense a little bit of darkness in your story, i can relate to the fooling everyone, bit i think you, like me, also know how to play a role, i myself used to be a social chameleon, but i ended up devaluing myself for sake of friends that really weren't my friends. <br />
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so i chose a career that would impress everyone i know, and while studying, because those fake friends weren't there i realized i wasn't doing it for me. anyways i got over it by loosing the fake friends and reaching rock bottom - no job, no friends, living with parents, and then i had no-one to blame for my mistakes and i learn't from them because i realized they were my own.<br />
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I think you should leave your husband and get out of the situation that causes you to 'role-play' be somewhere else for a while, but most importantly be authentic, even if it means falling apart. don't be affraid of being yourself. The book "knight in rusty armor - by robert fisher" explains this beautifully i suggest you read it

Sweetheart as you can tell I know where you're coming from. You know as I was sitting in my closet crying and contemplating again and I thought about this in regards to my husband but it applies to you as well. If they are this cruel our death isn't going to change anything, and I don't want my children raised by someone like that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in my situation but I know I'm not checking out by my own hands and you're not either. Your story can help someone else one day maybe. Don't give up. If you're feeling down and have no one to call call me. I'll inbox my number. We're both going to get through this!