My Story

I met James* when I was 24. He was a new bartender at a restaurant I worked at. He was attracted to me, and was very direct in letting me know. I was living 1000 miles away from home, in a small town where I was helping my sister who was stationed there. I wasn't initially attracted to James, but I gave him a chance since I was somewhat lonely. Unfortunately, he had a girlfriend. But for some reason, I was hooked. We started hanging out a lot, and he loved to drink. I liked going out too, but wasn't as big of a fan of drinking as him. But I started to really like him, so I drank with him. All he wanted to do was go to bars and drink. So I did it with him. We drank before work, after work. All night sometimes. I hated it, I felt awful, I looked awful. But I was hooked on him, I don't know why. I would stay out all night drinking with him at friends houses, till 5am. I didn't even want to be doing these things, but I did it because I liked him.
He was living with his girlfriend and her parents, and when they went out of town he had me and a bunch of friends over. I stayed almost every night with him at their house, and we were sexually inolved. One night I became upset because he had a girlfriend, and I liked him, and started crying. He said we should talk about it, but instead he had some friends over, drank all night, and also did a bunch of cocaine.
After a month of binge drinking, he and his girlfriend broke up. This is where the real drama began. He told me couldn't be with me, and he needed to be single. I cried, but continued seeing him. I wanted him to be my boyfriend so bad. He was just so funny and charming, I couldn't get enough of him. So as the months went on, we continued drinking, he lied to me a lot, hung out with his ex girlfriend behind my back, hung out with other girls after blowing off plans he made with me, and was overall emotionally distant. All this did was hook me more.
Flash forward 4 months. James was drunk, and said we should move in together, and start becoming more serious. I was thrilled. Next day he never mentioned this conversation. A couple more times, he was drunk and said we should move in together. So guess what? We did. After knowing each other 4 months, I moved in with this man. I was 24, he was 30, and I was completely oblivious to the fact that he was an alcoholic.
Now that we were officially together, living together, and committed, I dropped the bomb on him.. "guess what, i don't really like drinking like this. and neither should you" it was rough, but he slowed down the drinking. Kinda.
Well, he stopped doing cocaine, mostly. He drank every day. Beer mostly, and grand marnier. I never really trusted him. He made a lot of money bartending, and I became financially dependent on him. I fell in love with him, hard. I met his family, we all grew close. We flew to my hometown together, several times, my family fell in love with him. Like most alcoholics, he was a wonderfully charming man. Really, had a kind kind soul. We got two dogs together. We made future plans together. AND THEN...
We moved to my hometown together, so I could start grad school. He found a job bartending down town. I was worried. I live very close to Miami, and knowing his past with drinking and drugs, I was concerned. But he assured me, it would be fine. We were in love, were going to get married. I have to admit, I was really happy with him. We were together for 3 years.
So, he started stayying out,  drinking until 10am. Was drunk constantly. Pretty sure he was doing drugs. I don't really know. I was in grad school full time, and working overnight shifts at a hospital on the psych ward. I would get home at 9am after my shift, and he would still be up, drinking. Heineken. at 9am. Awful. Beer bottles everywhere. Some days, I'd have to leave work and go pick him up down town, where he was wasted. And I was working the overnight, this would be at 9am!!! I contemplated breaking up with him constantly. Every minute I was planning my escape, but I never got the courage.
One night,  We got into a huge fight, broke up. I threatened to kill myself, because he kept leaving me, week after week. Going on benders, nowhere to be found. So I put a bottle of pills in my mouth, and he called the cops on me.I spit the pills out, what the hell was I doing?  I was acting desperately, using a pretend suicide to manipulate him into staying. Why would I want this man to stay with me? Because I loved him. I was addicted to the addict. Cops came, saw he was hammered. I told them I didn't want to commit suicide, it was stupid, and just an empty threat. The cops must've seen something about the situation that I didn't, because they hauled him out of there.

I am a good person. I help others for a living. I am in graduate school, getting my master's in psychology. I love animals, my friends, my family. I want to be a therapist. I want to help others for a living. I am pretty,  I am smart. I love to read. I was such a wonderful person before I met this man. He turned me into a psychotic controlling mad woman. The things that I did and said while I was with him, well I am ashamed. Especially the empty suicide threat. A clear manipulation on my part. That's not who I am, or was. I am  honest, caring, and loving. What did he do to me?? What did I let myself become??
 I am taking steps to regain my life, and my sanity. But you know what? I miss him. terribly. It's been two months since we broke up, and I can't get over him. Phew.
bailey917 bailey917
May 13, 2012