Always

it doesn't really matter what the situation is...of course it's always different. but for one reason or another...every time...i can't have him. he doesn't want to be with me, or is with someone else that he loves very much, or just whatever. but i'm so frustrated right now. it's not even any one thing that's frustrating me. or any one person. it's just....all men. over and over and over. i'll find someone and really love someone and it always ends in nothingness. there's no point in even trying anymore because it always ends in nothingness. no point in even beginning if it's always ending. inevitable. unavoidable. ending.

but i love to fall in love. not that i fall in love with anyone or everyone. it's actually a little difficult for me to fall in love with someone. but who doesn't love the feeling, right?? it's such a high. and i start to get that high, but i, being the realist that i am and trying to keep my feet on the ground, have this internal conflict, because i don't really want my feet on the ground. you know what i mean??? like...i do and don't want to be swept off in this big current of someone's affection. i crave it, and get it in small doses, but i want so much more. i want the real thing. the whole thing. and i feel like i will never have it.