Oh My, I Have to Be the Epitomy of This Statement . . .

If I'm not I'll eat my hat! Seriously, what do you want to hear about first, the people I've had crushes on who are at least six years older than me, the celebrities, or the straight girls at my school?? I don;t even know where to start, so please, enlighten me on this one particular question . . . WHY???

 

I don't have the time or space to talk about everyone, but I will say right now I have mediumly-serious crushes on three of my friends, and I somewhat fear being around them, incase I slip, or can't help myself or something.

 

Then there's the girl who I've always loved, and she went from thinking I was a nice person to hang out with, to hati9ng me, all because I told her I liked her. Well I sure have learned my lesson. But for three years now, I'll get crushes on other people, but they just won't last, and I keep going back to this girl who probably doesn't even think about me unless I write her and tell her that I still like her, and I'm sorry, and then she is irritated. I mean, I would be too, I don't blame her. She's as straight as I am not, and two and a half years older than me, not to mention a few tons more worldly, whereas everything I learned, I learned from her, and it still amazes me how many things I don't know. So yeah, I don't blame her for it, but at the same time, I wish she would just at least aknowledge me. If she just listened, she'd see what I want more is to just know I can talk to her, or hang out with her. But nothing I say is right. She hates everything I say, and so what the heck am I supposed to say??!

 

I know we will never be together, but that doesn't stop me from daydreaming, and praying, and wishing on every star I see, and every lucky penny I find in the ground. I think, in a way, she is killing me while keeping me alive. She is killing me, killing my heart, I swear I can feel it, but I live for her, and if I can think of no other reason to get up out of bed in the mornings, I think of her.

 

So, I have never, EVER been attracted to someone who has liked me back, or someone I could have. Every day I feel doomed, and wonder if God is testing me, or I'm making a mistake. Maybe I'm cursed, maybe I'm unlikeable, maybe I'm invisible to them. Maybe I don't know and never will and will live out the rest of my pathetic celibate life yearning for my first kiss, and al the ones that are supposed to come after that . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

LonelySoul LonelySoul
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 30, 2007

I know how you feel. I recently came out to a friend of mine that I am bisexual. She is also bisexual and I have had the hugest crush on her going on about a year now. I told her that I liked thinking that I actually had a shot since she was bisexual too. But she just said "oh" and kind of blew it of. I don't know I guess i'm just not her type. I see her flirt with other girls and I get jealous. I've seen her float in and out of relationships girls and guys alike and I get so jealous. She is in love with this guy and they are engaged to be married and I am so jealous! I keep hoping they maybe by some miracle that they'll break up and she'll fall head over heels in love with me. WE're still really good friends. But it's bitter sweet friendship. It makes me happy just being around her. But I hate that I can't be with her, that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. She loves me but only as a friend. She doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about her. It's killing me inside. I daydream about her all the time and us being together. And what's worse she now claims she is no longer interested in women. I am completely and hopelessly in love with someone who shows no romantic interest towards me whatsoever.

*hugs* I can relate to how you feel. Until very recently,I used to be in a similar situation. I was a very late bloomer, had tons of straight girl crushes, felt hopelessly shy and hopelessly idealistic and at times I thought I was a cruel trick of nature and that I would never find love or someone I wanted to be with and who wanted to be with me.. I could relate to how frustrating it was to constantly fall for someone out of reach and watching my friends and peers all have successful love lives or at least love lives at all. I felt hopeless at times too but with time I found out I wasn't. There's hope for you too and it will often happen when you least expect it, so long as you keep your heart open to it. And taking a risk for love is part of the picture. I used to be terrified of this and I was already discouraged by my isolation. It's often a great struggle to hold on to hope and take that risk but in the grand scheme of things it's worth it.

I know how you feel. I've kissed lots of people, but I don't think any of them were sober...I have a friend who gets frustrated with my inability to get over people when I realize I don't have a chance with them, I try to explain to her that being attracted to someone isn't really a choice. It isn't intellectual and so I don't have control over when I get over someone. Apparently it is a choice for her though, because she seems unable to understand that. I'm sure that we will both find someone who likes us back, at least i'm not giving up hope yet...