With The Love Of Everyone Around Me

I was alone, but I didn't know that I was alone.  The other kids in the Preschool I went to after I left the Autistic one in Montana frolicked and played and communicated.  They played house.  I remember wandering around and not really seeing anyone around me.  It was like staring at something displayed on a projector screen, but not really caring that it was there.  My room wasn't neat, but everything was put back in a certain order or else I would have a fit.  I used to sleep with paper until momma and dad took it away from me.  After a while of crying and screaming without the paper, eventually the need for it faded away.  Loud sounds wouldn't bother me, but background noise made me cry.  I burnt my hands and banged my head on the wall, but I didn't really feel the pain, but I needed the small bit of stimulation I got from it.  I didn't realise how alone I was until I hit middle school after years of therapy.  I laugh, I feel, but I still feel anxious around people, because I don't know how to appropriately communicate with them.  Back then, I annoyed the lot of elementary school kids because I didn't realise that I actually annoyed them with my antics.  I could entertain myself with repetitive motions for more than two hours and I would feel anxious to leave whatever I was doing.  

Rocky was one of my best friends--a rock painted purple with googly eyes and pipe cleaners on it's head that I dragged around by a long red piece of yarn.  My elementary school friends would stare at me with contentment as I dragged the rock around in a circle for hours, chanting and yelling "come on rocky!  Choo choo!!"  I would smile and laugh at their faces. I didn't understand what they were feeling.  My friend had told me to let go of her shoulder when we were reading a book in kindergarten.  "Stop it." she said in a curt, but non-threatening voice.  Angered, I hit her and began to scream and cry.  I felt threatened, even though I discovered that she was just being up front and not mean at all.  Another girl used to pick on me and every time I saw her, even though I was fearful, I would smile mockingly and cover my face whenever she passed by me.  She would get angry and terrorize me even more.  Momma stopped her though.  I learned how to properly express my emotions as I got older, being able to convey myself better to people.  

I am now homeschooled because people make me so nervous and I feel so lonely in a crowd at school when I can't muster up the courage to talk to them outside a classroom or even stand in a crowd with them.  I just really like being alone and surrounded by books and music, but even music is an issue for me.  The music has to have a certain beat, and if the drums are being played heavily or there is too much bass in a song (modern-day pop and some types of rock for example), my body will tense up and I'll want to cover my ears.  For that, I can only listen to certain types of music, mainly old rock n' roll and swing.  With the help of my parents and loved ones, I go on to lead a good life with a better understanding of people.  Thank you, momma and dad and all my friends :)  Oh!  and my therapists!  

Even though I still have autistic features, I love them and somehow don't want them to go away.  They are a part of me, and I love them. :)  I am just so happy I have the opportunities that I do in life. :)
Daki22 Daki22
1 Response Sep 24, 2011

I love your story. It is so honest and pure. I wish you more than you wish for yourself!