With The Love Of Everyone Around MeI was alone, but I didn't know that I was alone. The other kids in the Preschool I went to after I left the Autistic one in Montana frolicked and played and communicated. They played house. I remember wandering around and not really seeing anyone around me. It was like staring at something displayed on a projector screen, but not really caring that it was there. My room wasn't neat, but everything was put back in a certain order or else I would have a fit. I used to sleep with paper until momma and dad took it away from me. After a while of crying and screaming without the paper, eventually the need for it faded away. Loud sounds wouldn't bother me, but background noise made me cry. I burnt my hands and banged my head on the wall, but I didn't really feel the pain, but I needed the small bit of stimulation I got from it. I didn't realise how alone I was until I hit middle school after years of therapy. I laugh, I feel, but I still feel anxious around people, because I don't know how to appropriately communicate with them. Back then, I annoyed the lot of elementary school kids because I didn't realise that I actually annoyed them with my antics. I could entertain myself with repetitive motions for more than two hours and I would feel anxious to leave whatever I was doing.
Rocky was one of my best friends--a rock painted purple with googly eyes and pipe cleaners on it's head that I dragged around by a long red piece of yarn. My elementary school friends would stare at me with contentment as I dragged the rock around in a circle for hours, chanting and yelling "come on rocky! Choo choo!!" I would smile and laugh at their faces. I didn't understand what they were feeling. My friend had told me to let go of her shoulder when we were reading a book in kindergarten. "Stop it." she said in a curt, but non-threatening voice. Angered, I hit her and began to scream and cry. I felt threatened, even though I discovered that she was just being up front and not mean at all. Another girl used to pick on me and every time I saw her, even though I was fearful, I would smile mockingly and cover my face whenever she passed by me. She would get angry and terrorize me even more. Momma stopped her though. I learned how to properly express my emotions as I got older, being able to convey myself better to people.
I am now homeschooled because people make me so nervous and I feel so lonely in a crowd at school when I can't muster up the courage to talk to them outside a classroom or even stand in a crowd with them. I just really like being alone and surrounded by books and music, but even music is an issue for me. The music has to have a certain beat, and if the drums are being played heavily or there is too much bass in a song (modern-day pop and some types of rock for example), my body will tense up and I'll want to cover my ears. For that, I can only listen to certain types of music, mainly old rock n' roll and swing. With the help of my parents and loved ones, I go on to lead a good life with a better understanding of people. Thank you, momma and dad and all my friends :) Oh! and my therapists!
Even though I still have autistic features, I love them and somehow don't want them to go away. They are a part of me, and I love them. :) I am just so happy I have the opportunities that I do in life. :)