I May Be Autistic And That Would Explain A Lot.

Hi guys!
I've just done Autism Spectrum Quotient and I scored 44 (Scores in the 33 - 50 range indicate significant Austistic traits (Autism)) and can so understand what many of you have posted over here. I have myself always felt isolated and for many years been frustrated that no one can understand me. I have always find it extremely difficult to bound with people (including closest family, I have no bond with parents at all whatsoever and I am perfectly cool with it) and keep friendships. Not that I don't get people to somehow like me but I find myself losing interest and attachment after a while. Also communication with others is such a nerve wrecking task! I have been accused countless times of being 'hurtful' (wtf??), bold and merciless in what I am saying and I could never get what's so bad about what I am saying? I've been told once that it's not quite what I am saying but how I am saying it (again: wtf??). For me it was just the way I see things. Full stop. I have slight issue with speech. Not that I can't pronounce or something. It's more to do with stress and the fact that I find it difficult to express myself. I am perfectly aware that people find it difficult to follow the way I think and it stresses me even more. Sometimes words just won't come out. It must look hideous at times. I have that thing about patterns... everything has to foll into some sort of pattern (for a while I thought I may be going bonkers); and numbers - love them for some reason (but aren't they great?). I've always been 'outsider' and always felt perfectly happy in my own company, I get really frustrated when something disturbs or change my plans (I am planing my day at least 24hr ahead; weekends at least 2-3 days ahead) and when I can't I have that 'panic stage' when I feel like my life slips through my fingers. If I find something that interests me and I can't do it (ideally) straight away I am very unhappy and get moody (the whole world sucks and all that) which is not the way I normally am. I consider myself rather mature and stable person (but then again what I think or consider as norm seem to have nothing to do with surrounding me world). The other thing is that even though I am very curious by nature I find it highly distressing when changing environment. Curious enough I have changed country and am about to do it again. I am bit worried because last time I did it I suffered depression for a long time and it took me over 3 years to settle (well, it's a big word, lets say: get use to it). Do I have to mention how stressful social occasions are? I hate nosy places and it's almost torture at work as we have small office and often they all gather around to 'discuss' things. I can never follow the conversation. I just 'blank out' and can't get what they are talking about. I have tried numerous times but it's exhausting and requires all the attention in the world to merely get the point of conversation. It's embarrassing when they pause looking at me ('what do you want' I ask myself) and than somebody ask question trying to get me to contribute to conversation. I hate crowds and meting new people. Not that I am not interested in others but I could never get that whole 'social chit chat' thing I can't hold conversation for long (there where times I would just turn round and run but I've made significant progress). Now imagine that: I am engaged! I am still trying to convince him just to run away an get married abroad (cheap, romantic, no disturbances - anyone has more arguments?). Oh! Do get me distracted and I can't find the plot... And I will get annoyed.Another thing about me is that I seem not to connect names with faces (I am horrible with names, but that's completely different story) and unless I am spending really long time with people I won't recall their faces. That was a nightmare at school as I wouldn't know which of the kids are my classmates (they all look the same to me) . It gets better with age, I try to remember characteristic things to recognize people but even now I find myself desperately trying to remember my finance's top when we go separates ways in a shopping center. Not that I don't know how he looks like but it seem tricky to 'fish out' individuals from the crowd.  I've always felt guilty for not being 'up to social standards', my whole life I've been struggling to fit into something I could never understand (society). Just to feel 'normal', and now a 'shocker'! 27 years of torture to find out that there is nothing wrong with me and there are people out there who go through exactly same thing as me (or similar). Kinda blessing to know it. I remember when my colleagues from school started dating - 'wtf are they doing' I kept asking myself... Wonder how accurate the score is because that would give me a lot of answers. By the way - 44 - love the number so kinda proud of the score :) I have NEVER EVER told ANY of that to anyone and I must admit that it's kinda relief to get it out of my head. 
Arrun Arrun
26-30, F
May 19, 2012