My Life-long Experience

I am not sure that I am avoidant. I was diagnosed once as avoidant by a psychiatrist, and nothing was done about it since. I have been to therapy for many years now, and my current therapist never mentioned it. However, I have been suffering all of my life from this problem, whatever it may be called.
I am 32 y/o, single, and never had a serious girlfriend. I have a few friends, who used to be close friends, but most of them drifted away lately. They are all married or on their way to be. I am the only bachelor left in the group, and I'm starting to be afraid that I'll end my life alone.

This all stems from one thing: Whenever I am with people, I freeze. I have nothing to say, I feel nothing (except fear and anxiety), and I don't care about anything. That's how I've always been.

When I was a child, I would go to school parties and do nothing. I would never understand what the other kids talk about, and what they do. Sometimes I would find a sofa (even in the middle of the party) and just go to sleep.
I only really feel comfortable when I am hiding; I love feeling invisible. I love hearing other people's conversations or be with them but be completey un-noticable.
I have always felt like everyone around me know some secret rules that I don't, about how to behave socially. I've always felt like an outsider.
Even when I am not around people, my sense of identity is very weak. I work at a job I don't really like, but I don't know what I would like. I have a tough time making decisions; I always feel like I am incapable of making the right decisions.
In a way, I have always felt that I am still 14, and one day I would wake up and realize everything since then has been a dream.

When I was 15 I had a close female friend who I had a crush on. I became her "good friend", listening to her talk about herself, being extremely supportive. One day, she told me that she made out with one of our friends. I was crushed; I didn't know kids my age even did that thing. And that's how I've always felt: behind, incapable, awkward.
Two years ago I went on a 3 week hiking trip with two of my friends. One of them is a guy who just needs to open his mouth and is immediately surrounded by girls. One night we went on a pub crawl, and he had two hot girls drool over him all night, practically cat fighting, until he sealed the deal and started making out with one of them in public. He later went to her hotel and had sex with her.
That was the first time in my life I saw something that I thought only existed in movies. I can't even begin to describe how bad I felt that night. It wasn't even emotional; it was a purely physical feeling, like my whole body was in pain.

I could go on and on about this, but I think this is the gyst of it... if there is anyone out there who can help me - I truly need your help.
rumblefish1978 rumblefish1978
31-35, M
3 Responses Jul 25, 2010

im not sure i can help, but i can understand your situation!!! i know how you feel!!! it sucks big time!!! i never even knew that there was such a thing as avoidant personality disorder until i discovered this group, and i pretty much tick all the boxes!! everything that people are describing in this group just sounds like me down to a tee!!! and i too have had a few women that ive liked throughout my life, end up in the arms of some total *******, and im talking about women that i have a suspicion actually liked me!!! but something just keeps holding me back, as if something inside me just keeps saying "NO, DONT DO IT!!" and as a result, im stuck in a dead end job, single and no motivation to do anything, cos i can never decide what i want out of life, im afraid of being in a relationship, but im also afraid of spending the rest of my life alone!! im in a dead end job that i dont particularly like, but i lack motivation to look for a new one!! i want to learn something new, but i dont know what i want to learn cos i just cant make my mind up!!! i always find it difficult to make decisions!!! i lack confidence, and im quiet and shy and have low self esteem!! i have always felt different from everyone else, and ive always wondered why??? 14 pretty much described me to a tee...i almost cried reading this. I also like a girl thats my age and she did the same thing...with a total **** to...broke my heart

I don't know what to say, but much of my life has been similar to what you describe. I try to force myself into situations where there is no choice but to open up a bit. Success with that is about 50-50. The truth is, after having done the same thing for so long, I will probably never be completely changed, but I try to take baby steps in that direction.