It Takes Hard Work.So, depression beaten, check
things to do, check.
Im off anti-depressants. It took a long time and a lot of things played a part but I am now a functioning human being. Its hard day by day though. One of the ways I got through it was finding my way to stop the way I talked to myself, I know its all psychomumblebumble but my inner dialog was mean, really mean. I was the only one who was saying this stuff too. There are definate ways that my mom contributed to my state of functioning but what good does it do to blame someone else who isnt going to change. I had to change what I was saying about myself and take my focus off of the problems in my head. Its hard, when your depressed the last thing you feel like doing is well anything. You need to take a break from thinking the thoughts that got you into depression. When I was depressed it was like there was a train of thought I would get on, and it would just go and go and go and then hit a wall, leaving me on the couch feeling like roadkill, please excuse the metaphors, (its almost impossible to talk about depression without them i find). I would look at other people and say, why cant i do that, why isnt my life so impressive and fabulous.
I had to stop comparing myself to others, that was one of the main things that would absolutely derail me. There are other people doing other things some of them louder and seemingly more impressive than others but I learned to tune it out. I am not living their life, I have to figure out how to take my life and the things that I like to do and enjoy them. When you like what you are doing other people who like it too will want to do it with you. I needed to figure out what I needed, what I wanted, and who I am and Im not done yet. The thing Im not wasting my time on is focusing what others people were telling me I should want, or look like, or do. For all the people that say that they are individuals and unique it looks like they are blending seamlessly with the masses.
I have a job, the economy is in the pits right now and the pickings are slim, specially in a small town, but I got something and its not fast food. Although another part time job would help me out some and Im still looking. I got my bills squared away(I never got into debt thankfully), eliminated spending money on things I don't need and am starting to save some cash which helps me to dream into the future, something that was impossible when I was in the black cloud.
Now onto the every day grind. And it is a grind, there are certain things that I have a hard time with that would make my situation even better. Friends. I have people that I work with a people that I chat with daily, but I group of people that I am close with is something I havnt had since high school. People that you care about make the good a little better and the bad not so bad. But trust, availability, and yes still low confidence seem to undermine that. But some of the major hurdles have been overcome and my life is catching a light breeze of new air, and right now I can handle that. The lighter I am the more grounded I feel. The more balanced I am the better people can get to know me. I getting there. Thanks if you read the whole thing. Lol